Balads

Ever since you left me I just can't go on
No I can't even read the news today
'Cause everything reminds me of yesterday

Contradicting my self.

Now read the post just under this one and then come back and read this.

Done? Ok, I just wanted to say that this past night wasn't good at all. Every night since I started feeling bad has actually been ok. During the actual night when I have been asleep I have truly been asleep. Deep and good sleep (which may be why I never wanted to wake up in the mornings). However the night to today was very different. While I dont want to call it a nightmare it sure wasnt a nice dream. Actually I dont really remember what happened but it was one of those dreams where someone acted in a way and didnt understand that it really hurt me. Kind of doing stuff that made me feel really bad without them realizing they did it. Now I have had these kind of dreams with different people in them in the apst as well (we're talking years and years ago) but obviously it was different this time around in regards to my situation.

I truly hope that I wont be dreaming alot of non-good stuff in the future. I do not wish to wake up like I did today.


On another note, I was actually at a local hockey game last night. It was a big thing since it was free to attend and the sponsors gave the local team money for every person in the arena. It was full with over 2000 people there. Quite the turn out I would say. Im not a big sports fan and the two first periods were so so but the third actually picked up some pace and it was pretty exciting. It was an importan match and my team won with 5 to 4 in the end. Christoffer was there with me and overall I had a nice time. Its good to do things one doesnt usually do.

On the future of the blog.

I have been thinking and I think this blog has become a little bit to predictable. I seem to say the same things over and over lately. Its because I constantly think of these things and quite frankly I have a hard time breaking free from certain negative thought patterns. But I can only write about how bad I feel every morning before its not just boring to eventual readers but also serves no purpose for me. At first it was a great output but I feel like I dont need it at this moment. Im sure that I will write about certain things again but I will try to cut down on it because it no longer serves a purpose. And if I feel that I need to write to release certain emotions then I can always do so even if it contradics this post ;)

Anyway, I thought all my (imaginary) readers should know that.

Meshuggah

Lately I have been listening to Meshuggah alot. I dont know why but I think their music in combination with my mood is a great match. Its hard and heavy but also pretty meditative. I always appreciated their slowest stuff the most, like Catch 33. However I have been listening to Nothing as well as the more crazy stuff like Chaosphere. I have also been trying their new album ObZen and sometimes I like it and sometimes its just there doing nothing for me (positive or negative). I'll keep giving it a few chances to see what my final verdict will be.

The face

Its Monday and its morning again. That face is back in my head, mocking, making fun of me. Monday mornings are the worst. While I work Im usually so caught up in it that it feels safe and Im worrying about the weekend. While Im off work and have a good weekend (like this one that just passed) I hate going back to work. Even more so of course when my "morning illness" is back. While it isnt full force anymore it still sucks.

On a forum someone asked what one wuld ask for if you knew you would get to know the truth. Alot of people of course had big questions which regarded the secrets of the universe, the existance of God etc. My question would be the most important though. "How will I find happiness?" Remember kids one can live without alot of things but if you dont have happiness you dont really have a life worth living.

Synthesis of imagery.

A chaotic view on the current situation.

However, if you want a one-line definition with which most Chaoists would probably not disagree, then I offer the following. Chaoists usually accept the meta-belief that belief is a tool for achieving effects; it is not an end in itself. (Pete Carroll)

Now I have been increasingly interested in something I would like to call philosophical chaotism. Actually it was something I wrote when I was supposed to describe my religious views on facebook. I just wrote "philosophical chaote" without much thought. It was meant to be mysterious and not obvious. Now Im no magician so to call myself a chaos magician would be wrong but I really like the underlying way of thinking in this movement. Its the results that count and not if the way one goes about to get to them is true or holds a objective truth. They can invoke the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael in a ritual to move towards whatever goal they strive for. Now the actual existence in Raphael has nothing to do with anything. Whats important is if the desired effect of the ritual is gained.

Now these past few days I have been very comfortable in the thought that all things happen for a reason. This is something I turned to a few years ago when I was feeling down as well and somehow, some way it gave me comfort. Its not what I really believe but it doesnt matter. It gives me comfort to believe that for whatever reason there is a purpose to me going through what Im going through right now.

Now Im critical of that kind of deterministic thought - you know if I would speak in public on my beliefs in the universe and how things work. But with the increased pain I felt a few weeks ago my viewpoint changed. It has been mostly about the big picture for such a long time. Now I was feeling bad and suddenly all that mattered was that I wanted to feel better. All the big metaphysical theories was cast down, or left behind. Not that I didnt believe in certain things but that they werent important anymore. To long had I been focusing on transcendent thoughts, dreams and theories. So much so that when I lost one of my "safe pillars" I fell really hard and really fast. I needed to think about me, about relations between humans with differing opinions and just getting through life. Now not everything is based on the way I was thinking about stuff, "real world" situations also helped alot but I discovered, just like I did years before, that a basic view on life that "all things happen for a reason" was helping me mentally getting through certain emotions.

Now everything may have a reason as to why it happens. Im not so much against that as I am againt the general associations with that kind of view on life. The determination of all things through a "higher conciousness" or through cause and effect or any other belief like that. Now I dont believe in free will either so I guess Im not really a proponent of any side here (much unlike many religious people, at least christians, who somehow finds logic to believe in both determinism and free will at the same time). Its as easy as me feeling better in times of crisis with a view on life that there is some reason behind what has caused me pain. I probably somehow make up that reason as I go along the path of life but the belief that its already there is very much comforting. Once I felt better I abandoned that kind of thinking. Maybe I will this time around as well. maybe that will be the "reason" as to why this happened. Now that sentence was full of contradiction but it does make sense. Well it does to me at least. But then again this comes from a guy who believes the all come from none and that the core of all things we can see hear, touch, feel etc really is nothingness.

During a class in philosophy a person once said that he would rather be sad and know how things really were rather than be happy and be blind to the truth. Now its an admireable position to have but having just been through terrible sadness I can say that at this moment I would rather be happy and ignorant towards the truth rather than knowing all truths in the world (if there are indeed a things such as truth) and be miserable. I sometimes see my interest in metaphysics as a curse for just this reason. Because of my knowledge and extended ways to think about stuff that cant be grasped (probably ever) I think I have lost alot of the joy in actually living. One of the things I felt my ex was doing was to just accept life and to live it. Im not saying she never encounter bad things or never feel bad but her basic outlook is very much going with the flow and accepting things as they are. I really miss that part of my life and of course I miss her bringing that view into my life. I always overthink and overanalyze. Heck, just look at this long ass post. Its probably taken me close to an hour to think of how to write and express how I feel in a blog that no one even reads. Isnt that the truth?

The day after...

So as usual Im not really hungover the day after some good drinking. Sundays are usually pretty useless and even more so nowadays with my personal problems but I wont focus on that actually. Yesterday I bought a desk where I now have my computer and its fits inr eally well with my black and white wall. The one negative is that the surface is very easily damaged with skratches and such. I really should to something about it.

I also bought two carpets and they both fits in nicely. One of them will probably go well with the couch which has been ordered and will be delivered at the end of the month. I also bought a hat-rack which I hope to be able to screw up on the wall during the day (depends on my father and the screwdriver).

So things are starting to fall into place in regards to the design of the appartment. All the small stuff is still on the "to do" list but I dont want to do that until my couch arrives so I know how the curtains will go with the color of the couch etc. Im sure it will be good in the end. I am happy with how things have turned out so far.

However the renovation of the kitchen will take its time. I dont think it will be ready until the summer but we'll see. As of right now I dont even have any good ideas for how it should look. Oh well, I guess it'll come to me eventually.

I think today will be the big cleaning day. As things start to fall into place I get more and more annoyed when things are scattered all over the appartment. I pretty much have everything I need to put most things away and to keep things nice and clean. I still have to wait until I can get into my repository though. I dont really like that because it means that I still have some boxes in my appartment which really shouldnt be here.

I may post pics of the appartment when everything is in place (and if Im happy with it). Need to buy a proper camera first though.

Now playing - Machine Head "blood for blood".

Bloging under the influence part III

Yep, the second day in a row but not really any negative feelings this time around. Sure I was probably passed out for an hour or two before I got home but still I almost didnt think of the things that usually trouble my mind. It was really nice for a change. So I agtually doesnt have to much to write about now. I pretty much stay awake to not go to bed to drunk. Surprisingly enough I think my spelling is really damn good for having drunk several beers during the night. Nothings tronger though which may explain some stuff.

Oh well, we'll see when I write next. Hopefully its with good news :)

Bloging under the influence part II

I have nothing much to write this time around except that I felt like half a man when I sat alone on the train to get home from the pre-listening session of my band latest album. While I have almost never had the opportunity to hold someones hand on my way home I sure did miss it tonight. I guess its my mind playing tricks on me when Im drunk. We'll see what happens tomorrow when there will be more drinking going on.

Over and out.

An update!

So its been a while since I last wrote here (well compared to how much stuff I put up here the past few weeks anyway). So here's and update on whats going on in my life.

This past Monday my ex came online to talk to me. She started by wanting to discuss the past which I was against because I didnt want any more arguing about it. I was just trying to come to terms with the fact that we had very seperate views on what happened. Right now it doesnt matter, it has happened, it caused me great pain so I didnt want to talk about it. However she did and I kept calm and it went good. Then I proceeded to tell her I was sorry for my behaviour (I still regret acting to much "in the moment" when I first learned about her future plans). However she told me it was her who should appologize ("I am sorry I have hurt you so much without realising"). I accepted the appology and it did feel better.

After this chat I have been feeling a little bit better overall. Before the chat I had a hard time focusing with thoughts just running wild in my head. I could not hold on to anything except for a few days when all I had in my head was one thing. This one day it was the phrase "it should have been me". That has for the most part disappeared.

Now it still hurts but its good to know that I didnt make her my enemy (or even non-friend) in the process of the grief I felt over losing her. The dream I had was often so vivid. I imagined us getting married, getting a house and I cans till see her proud face in my head when I imagine that shes pregnant. Im sure she will be just as proud as I have imagined just not with me as the father. Thats probably what hurts the most. I really wanted to have a family with her.

Now we have put the arguing behind us and have said to eachother that we will be friends. I have no doubt that we wont argue much again but I dont know how much we will actually stay in touch. I guess the future has all the answers to all the questions regarding that aspect of things. I do want to be there for her but she has so many friends alot closer than I am (at the very least in regards to distance) and she now is in a very serious relationship. Ah well...

So just two months into buying my own place I fell into a depression because of this and even though Im feeling better every day now I still think of doing something about my dreams. No I will not hit on my ex but I am thinking of moving. Not right now or even within the coming year but I am searching for info on what to think of and stuff like that. Of course Birmingham wouldnt be very good or maybe even England as a whole. Even though I love that country. It would be weird and probably inappropriate. I have been thinking of the Netherlands though. I dont know why really but it just popped into my head one day. Im not a drug user and I dont pay for sex so that is not the reason ;) I dont even know how serious this is but it does help me getting through a tough time so I guess that so far its been constructive. I have even been thinking of taking a class in dutch this autumn (an after work kind of thing).

I have also lost almost all interest in philosophy and religion at the moment. The very subject this blog was designed to be about. I dont know if I willr egain the interest (probably) but right now all the speculation on the great mysteries seem so irrelevant when I personally aint on the top of the mountain so to speak.

I have been turning more towards music though. Lately quite alot of Meshuggah ("catch 33" and "nothing") for some reason. I have also been listening to quite abit of my own band. We have just been in the process of recording a new album so I've been listening to the first few mixes quite frequently. I havent been playing any instruments though I just prefer having sound around me. I think it makes me feel more safe and it lets me concentrate on the music instead of all the thoughts that fly through my head.

I have also found my way back to wrestling somewhat. I lost alot of interest last eyar and havent really been keeping up with the product this year either (except PPV's). However I have now been more interested than I have in quite a while. Not so much with WWE but I have two shows from AJPW and NOAH to watch and Chikara has also brought me entertainment. I couple of years ago I wouldnt apreciate Chikara. Sloppy wrestling and alot of comedy but its just what I need at the moment. Sure the wrestling could be better, alot better even but the comedy makes up for it and I do enjoy watching the product.

I have also kept myself much more busy than before so I dont have so much free time to just sit around and think. Today I will go to our vocalists place and hear the final mix over a few beers (I guess - I have prepared for that at least) and tomorrow I will get together with my friends and drink alot and watch the eurovision song contest. Yeah I know, its stupid and bad but its an excuse to see my friends and we always have a nice time when we get together so I look forward to that as well. I might go to IKEA tomorrow as well. Got some stuff I need to buy to make my home a little better. I also need to throw some stuff on the dump and I better start doing that tomorrow or it will take at least one more week before I do it.

Now that was a long post to compensate the last few days of silence. This has been turning more and more into my personal (and public!) diary. Im pretty sure no one ever reads it but its nice to ventilate some of my thoughts and feelings like this.

The bassics of a good joke.

Now I have been through a rough time lately so I thought it would be nice to include a little joke in the blog. Now not everyone will get this bus most bass players will so here ya go:

Bloging under the influence of alcohol

Yeah. so this may not be the mosthn throught through or best spelled post ever. I dont really give a fuckj. Yeah, Im drunk and I had a nice time with my firends for a few hours today. IT was nice to get my mind off of things. However some of that sadness is coming back as soon as Im left alone in my apartment. Soemtimes I think what started as a great thing for me (living alone) has turned to a curse. I know Im alone and that very fact makes me very sad.

I will never know what mnade things go wrong but I know they went terribly wrong compared to what I dreamed about and compared to what I wanted. What is the reason for all this. Im actually thinking of moving far away just to start a completely new life and that way start one part of the dream I have dreamed for quite a long time. Maybe a totally fresh start is just what I need. It wont happen for at least a year I think but maybe its the right thing to do. I have already looked into a few possibilitties. Well see what happens and how much of this I will regret writing when I wake up tomorrow .

On going to sleep and waking up

This has been one of the problems I havent been able to overcome yet. While I still have my good and bad days I always tend to feel like crap when I am supposed to go to sleep but even more so when I wake up every morning. I just feel really bad. This past week I have been waking up before my alarm clock every day (which is set for 06:00 AM) and today (Saturday) I woke up before 08:00 AM even though I went to bed after midnight after a visit in the studio where we record our new album.

I always feel so lonely in the mornings now so I usually sit down and write something. Right now the people of talkbass have been of great help in this. I can write whenever I want and I now have some PM-contacts that does their best to help me out.

Good thing about today is that I am fully booked. Im doing my laundry for 3 or 4 hours starting at 12 and I need to buy some food and buy some beer. Then its dinner att my mums and then a movie night or similar with a few of my friends. Hopefully the beer will make me sleep for a little bit longer on Sunday so I dont wake up early again.

Oh and also it is now one week since I made that phone call to my ex. A call that was supposed to not be about this situation at all but was thought to be me saying "Im sorry" and then go on and see if we could at least stay friends. Now things did turn into an argument instead of things we cant do anything about now (all the misconceptions of the past). I asked her if she thought we could stay friends aand she said "I dont know". When we said goodbuy she did however say "talk to you soon, Im sure". It may just be a polite phrase (if its one thing the english know about its being polite) but I decided that any contact between us should be on her initiative now. If I take up the contact again and shes not ready to speak to me (about whatever) I think the wounds will open up again and maybe wider that before. Now this doesnt mean I dont want to speak to her. I really do and at least talk and agree that we have to put the arguing behind us. Right now things arent good at all where I not only realize I have lost her as a lover and girl friend but also lost her friendship alltogether (thats how it seems at the moment). I tell you its really taking a big toll on me.

The girl of my dreams

Now I realize this is part of something I have already quoted in this blog but over the past few days it has become increasingly important for my recovery. Now Im still sad at times and I can feel really bad. I still fantasize and daydream about my ex but now I always have this in mind:

Look, what you imagined with your girl is just a DREAM. Based on things you imagine in your head, not based on what's actually there. I've been there, the dream is always beautiful and perfect. But she's not the person in your dream. OR else she'd be with you now.

And you know what its true and its something that I can both understand rationally and emotionally. She really isnt my dream girl if she doesnt want to actually be with me. Believe it or not but it does help me keeping my head up at least a little bit further than I did before. Its still a pain in the ass sometimes, especially in the mornings but this does make things a little bit better. I even added part of the quote just under the blog "headline". Its that important to me at this moment.

Right now I am getting used to the thought of not having this special girl with me in my future (at least not as a girlfriend or wife or anything of the sort). At this moment I cant see how anyone could replce her or the dream I had about how things would eventually turn out. However I have gotten loads of advice over the past few days and they all seem to say that I will come over this and find someone else who I will look upon as better than what I have had thus far with my ex. I just hope they are right.

With a little help from my (talkbass) friends

I made a post on the Talkbass forums about my problems. I wasnt sure if it was the right thing to do or if someone would actually care. But now Im very happy that I did write and ask for help and advice. There were two posts especially that put smiles on my face and really connected with me. I would like to quote them both here.

This post was made by the user called ubado:

First of all, I just like to say... my heart goes out to ya... most cats have been through those "hard to forget" breakups.

I'd gather that the age isn't the problem... if she wants kids, and you want kids... then her ticking baby clock is a moot point. It most likely boils down to the "Long Distance Relationship". They just don't work! For a short time sure... but not for the long run.

The idea that "distance makes that heart grow fonder" is complete BS!

I'm not gonna candy coat this... you will always love her... you will always wonder "what if"... but it doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there that can make you happy.

I myself have "the one that got away" in the back of my mind... but I've been married for almost 10 years and couldn't imagine myself not being married to her for another 10 (after that... I'm gonna trade her in for a newer model... instead of getting a Red Sports Car ). All kidding aside... you will find another. Who knows, maybe she'll be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know mine has.

Just know that many of us have felt the same way about someone... the pain will pass... the memories will remain... but all in all... You'll get through it.

Buck up little camper. There's other fish in the sea... you just gotta do some more fish'n. Maybe you'll snag one you can "mount" up aginst a wall.

This post was made by disenchant:

It's hard being in that situation, I've been there myself.

The hardest realization is that a relationship takes two willing people. If she is not willing--you don't have a relationship! Plus, if she can't see all the wonderful things about you, then it might sound cliché to say, but she doesn't deserve you. And do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?

A good friend of mine was in love with his high school sweetheart and always envisioned them married. He asked her and she turned him down. TWICE! She cheated on him, treated him like dirt and he kept coming back. Finally he "convinced" her to marry him.

He's married to her, just like he dreamed. But it's hardly a dream. He's miserable, she doesn't *really* want to be with him and spends a lot of time with her friends. Who knows if she's cheating on him still? He works long hours, filling up the time she is not home. He was a bassist, and gave up playing because he just couldn't put his heart into things anymore. Sometimes they go on vacation. She doesn't want kids, and he does. But he keeps trying to make the dream happen.

Look, what you imagined with your girl is just a DREAM. Based on things you imagine in your head, not based on what's actually there. I've been there, the dream is always beautiful and perfect. But she's not the person in your dream. OR else she'd be with you now.

I had met a guy that I thought was The One but he turned out to not want a serious relationship. I tried for a year to get back together with him to no avail. Finally I started looking elsewhere and that's when I met the TRUE man of my dreams, who wants the same things I do.

Don't talk to your girl at all. Every time you do it'll open up fresh wounds. Stop imagining her face in your dreams and find out within yourself what about the dream you really want. Chances are it's not HER, but qualities you want in a woman. Then seek out a woman who has those qualities, including the one that respects and loves you for who you are. She's out there, prolly looking for you right now.

I want to thank both of them for the lovely replies. As I said they put a smile on my face and made me want to stay in there a little bit longer. The whole thread can be read here.

Update

I have now transalted most of the blog to the english language. Only long posts in swedish is kept in the original language because of my laziness. I believe there are only 3 entries that still contain swedish. We'll see if I translate them another time.

Random thoughts on a rought day.

This blog was first meant to be a diary kind of thing but before I would publish anything I decided it would be my religious/philosophical outlet. However as my personal life has become more and more confusing to me I have felt the need to go more personal than before. I guess the blog is really here for me to write whatever I want and right now metaphysics isnt the top priority. Far from it. Right now mental health is the most important thing.

Yesterday I tried to make things right. I was making this one call to tells omeone I wanted her friendship still and that I was sorry our discussions had turned to arguing. One can say it didnt work out at all. I heard immediately that she expected another arguing session from me and while I tried to be as calm as I could we still drifted into the same old pattern again. I dont say it was her faul, it was a combination. I had hoped for a call to make things, if not right then at least ok for the time being. Maybe it was too early to try such a thing?

The past week or so have been very depressing for me. My feelings race like a rollercoaster on speed. I have cried, been angry and have been sad. And in between there has been times when things have been more ok. Mostly when something is distracting me (like a movie or tv series) or when I had dinner with my good friend Jocke. It was supposed to be a talk about my feelings and the whole situation Im currently dealing with but while we did speak of that we also stayed a long time at the resturant and had great talk about so many things. That did wonders for me that night. Thanks again for your support.

Today was rough at work though. I had a great sleep but felt really bad when I woke up. Loads of feelings of regret and pain. So when I came to work and I was placed somewhere I didnt want to I kind of got angry and I know people noticed (I dont shout or say bad things but I show it in other ways). Later on in the day I felt bad and told my boss Im going through a really rough time emotionally. I didnt tell him why but I felt he needed to know so he didnt think it was just a bad attitude or something like that.

That was pretty much what I had to say about today. No progress but less of a rollercoaster ride of feelings. Today everything has been equally sad in my head the whole day. I always long to get home but the loneliness of living alone is also getting at me. And Im not one to call people just to talk. As I said Jocke has been great but I cant call him every day when I feel bad.

Anyway thats it for now.

A lot like love

This is your life right now, it wont wait for you to get back to your feet.

Beliefnet Belief-O-Matic -- A personality quiz about your religious and spiritual beliefs

Now this is a test that is supposed to give you an idea of what kind of religious tradition your own throughts fit best into. I have found this test very enjoyable but sometimes its hard for me to pick one answer. I thought I would go through it here and explain why I choose the answers I choose:

1. What is the number and nature of the deity (God, gods, higher power)? Choose one.

Only one God--a corporeal spirit (has a body), supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.
Only one God--an incorporeal (no body) spirit, supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.
Multiple personal gods (or goddesses) regarded as facets of one God, and/or as separate gods.
The supreme force is the impersonal Ultimate Reality (or life force, ultimate truth, cosmic order, absolute bliss, universal soul), which resides within and/or beyond all.
The supreme existence is both the eternal, impersonal, formless Ultimate Reality, and personal God (or gods).
No God or supreme force. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now I have marked two alternatives and my own view is somewhere in between those two. While I agree that there is no God I'm not sure about what one might call a "supreme force". I tend to think that the only thing that is static is that everything is dynamic. All is change. This is the original chaos that minfests itself as order. Nothingness that is all things etc. Could this be called "supreme force"? Maybe, maybe not. I sure as hell dont think its personal or godlike or spiritual so that alternative is very wrong.

2. Are there human incarnation(s) of God (or of gods/goddesses)? Choose one.

God is (or gods/goddesses are) supreme, and no incarnations.
One incarnation.
Many (or countless) incarnations.
No particular incarnations because God is all and all are God (or God is in all).
No incarnations as there is no God. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now this is ultimately connected to the first question. As I see it everything is a manifestation of unchanging change. Therefore the all is one in that regard. So while saying that God is all is something I cannot accept since I really dislike the notion of a god or many gods the throught is appealing but on the concept of nothingness, chaos or change.

3. What are the origins of the physical universe and life on earth? Choose one.

As in the book of Genesis, God created a mature universe and mature life forms from nothing in less than 7 days, less than 10,000 years ago.
As in the book of Genesis, but "day" is not 24 hours, possibly refers to thousands (or even millions) of years, or to creation phases.
God is creating and controlling the phenomena uncovered by scientists. Or there are other spiritual explanations, but not in conflict with scientific discovery.
All matter and life forms are manifestations (or illusions) of the eternal Absolute (Ultimate Truth, Universal Soul or Mind, etc.).
Only natural forces (like evolution) and no Creator or spiritual forces. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now one should be able to see the thought pattern that goes into the answering of this question. I belive its all "natural forces" or something that is closely related to it (if the word nature isnt quite good enough). But all things are indeed manifestations or illusions of change. And remember "illusion" doesnt mean something doesnt exist only that something isnt what it may seem to be at first sight.

4. What happens to humans after death? Choose one.

Souls are judged immediately for a foretaste of heaven or hell. At the final judgment, God (or Christ) will resurrect and judge all for heaven or hell. (Or souls may also be judged for punishment and/or purification before heaven.)
Death results in unconsciousness until, at the final judgment, God (or Christ) will raise the living righteous to heaven; resurrect and destroy the wicked on earth; return the righteous to a paradisal earth for eternity.
Souls don't survive death. God (or Christ) will resurrect the righteous at the final judgment for eternity in heaven or on a paradisal earth; the wicked will remain dead.
The soul's spiritual development continues after death so that all may eventually experience the indescribable joy of closeness to God. Hell is not a place but the tormented state of remoteness from God.
Rebirths occur (continually, or until all life's lessons are learned and one merges with the life force, or until complete enlightenment and eternal bliss are attained).
There is definitely an afterlife, but the specifics cannot be known or are unimportant--most important is one's conduct in life.
No afterlife; no spiritual existence beyond life; no literal heaven and hell. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now this one was really easy. No afterlife at all. Thats a firm belief of mine.

5. Why is there terrible wrongdoing in the world? Choose one.

Humans inherited sinfulness, or a damaged nature, or tendency to yield to Satan's temptations from Adam and Eve, who committed the original sin against God.
Wrongdoing results from God-given free will plus a weak side, or a drive to satisfy personal needs, which sometimes results in wrongful choices (and/or vulnerability to Satan's temptations).
Ignorance of one's true existence as pure spirit and as one with the Universal Truth (or soul, mind, etc.) can lead to wrongdoing.
Not listening to the voice of God, who resides within all, can lead to wrongdoing.
Egoism (self-importance) leads to desire, craving, and attachments, which can lead to unwholesome thoughts and behavior, i.e., greed, hate, and violence.
No supernatural or spiritual reasons. Human nature, psychology, sociology, criminology, etc., explain wrongdoing. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Yeah there isnt a big spiritual reason behind "wrongdoing in the world". What is wrongdoing anyway and according to who. I am a moral relativist and therefore the whole question isnt applicable.

6. Satan's presence results in much suffering.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not applicable.

While I am influence by a tradition that likes to view Satan as that dak evolving force in nature. The state of ungchanging change et al I always answer "not applicable" since I know this isnt the Satan the test is refering to.

7. Why is there so much suffering in the world?
Choose ALL that apply.

The original disobedience of Adam and Eve caused all mankind to inherit mortality, which includes bodily imperfection, illness, and decay.
Suffering is part of God's divine will, plan, or design (to discipline, test, challenge, strengthen faith, strengthen character, promote moral growth, or for reasons that we cannot or may not know).
Suffering is a state of mind (or illusion); only our spiritual nature is real.
Spiritual or cosmic imbalance and disharmony may result in suffering.
Unwholesome thoughts and/or deeds (greed, hatred, and violence) in this or prior lives return as suffering (karma).
None of the above; human suffering has nothing to do with the supernatural or karma.

This one is easy as well. Se the above answer.

Respond to the following (Questions 8-12) based on how you believe a person attains salvation, exaltation, eternal reward, spiritual liberation/enlightenment, spiritual harmony, merger with God, etc.

8. Worship:

The Supreme Power, God, or Gods.
God--three persons of one essence.
God the Father, His Son, the Holy Spirit--each a distinct essence.
Not Applicable.

9. Baptism (or initiation) ceremonies:

Required.
Not required.
Not Applicable.




10. Regularly confess or repent:

All sins/wrongs to a cleric.
All sins/wrongs, but not necessarily to a cleric.
Not Applicable.


11. Doing good works (deeds) and acting compassionately is:

Necessary.
Not necessary.
Not Applicable.




12. Choose ALL statements below that represent your beliefs.

Adhere strictly to the rites, practices, precepts, commandments, prohibitions, laws, sacraments, or ordinances of the faith to be rewarded after life.
All, even the wicked, are rewarded after life (e.g., go to heaven, merge with God) as God(s) is infinitely good and forgiving.
Extinguish all cravings, attachments, and ignorance, or rid oneself of all impurities, to become fully enlightened.
Learn all life's lessons through rebirths.
Realize your true nature as purely spirit (or soul) and not body, as one with the Absolute, Universal Soul.
Live very simply; renounce worldly goals and possessions.
Tap the power of the Ultimate (God, or the divine) through intercessory methods such as psychics, channeling, tarot cards, crystals, magic.
Humankind is "saved" through human effort rather than through religious or spiritual means.

One really has to save oneself. There is no redeemer to save you. Only you can save you and other people or animals or whatever may be a help in that process. But then again I dont like the choice of words here. Saved from what exactly?

13. Elective abortion should be accepted (not proclaimed or treated as immoral).

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

Now this isnt fundamental in the way I view the world. However I find this important. It should be ok to abort a pregnancy is one so wishes.

14. Homosexual behavior should be regarded as immoral or out of harmony.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

The same as above.

15. Roles for women and men should be prescribed.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

The same as above.

16. Divorce and/or remarriage should be restricted or punished or condemned.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

The same as above.

17. Social betterment programs (e.g., equality, anti-poverty, education) should be fundamental.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

18. Nonviolence (e.g., pacifism, conscientious objector) should be fundamental.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.


19. Prayer, meditation, or spiritual healing practices should be favored to the exclusion of conventional health treatment (for all serious conditions or certain types of serious conditions).

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

Im not in favor of this. While I believe things of this nature can help a person mentally if he or she really believes it I dont think it has any objective reality or substance and thus cannot really cure anything.

20. Revering nature or the environment should be fundamental.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

I ave always wanted to save nature from being destroyed and exploited. Of course it really isnt a required belief in my own personal philosophy of metaphysics but I find it very important. I have ever since I started to think about it (which I believe was back in 1994).

Depression and suicide

I have been thinking of making this blog more international for a while so this will be my first post all in english (except for earlier quotes and such that were already written in english).

I will start things off on anegative note. Lately I haven't been feeling very good. It's been a rollercoaster ride of different emotions and thoughts. I just learned that the woman I love is engaged. The whole situation is complex and filled with misunderstandings between the two of us but I always thought things would turn out good between us in the end. When I heard about this it came as a shock and it really felt like my heart was ripped out. Since then I have had a hard time controling my feelings. In my head it was supposed to be her and me and since our relationshp was a long distance one I was all set, metally to leave my current life with work, my band and my country to make this relationship work. I was so sure it would happen within the next year or so when we had sorted things out but now things look very different and it feels like I've lost all things I ever worked for. Despite this things has been going well in my life. I bought a appartment which slowley but surely starts to look really good. I got a full-time job and also got the most out of the raise of my monthly sallary just days ago. But this seemed to overshadow it all.

Since this blog thus far has been very religious/philosophical in its approach I think this fits in well with both the blog and of course the contex. Most of my foundation lies within LaVeyan Satanism. I may not be able to call myself a LaVeyan or maybe not even a Satanist anymore but the very core or starting point of my philosophical experimentation lies within Anton LaVeys work. One of the things I really agreed with him upon was the view of life and death. While one should accept death as necessary, and in many ways what gives life its meaning, suicide was looked upon very negatively;

It is a well known fact that many people die simply because they give up and just don't care anymore. This is understandable if the person is very ill, with no apparent chance for recovery. But this often is not the case. Man has become lazy. He has learned to take the easy way out. Even suicide has become less repugnant to many people than any number of other sins. . .

Life is the one great indulgence; death the one great abstinence. To a person who is satisfied with his earthly existence, life is like a party; and no one likes to leave a good party. By the same token, if a person is enjoying himself here on earth he will not so readily give up this life for the promise of an afterlife about which he knows nothing. . .

Self-sacrifice is not encouraged by the Satanic religion. Therefore, unless death comes as an indulgence because of extreme circumstances which make the termination of life a welcome relief from the unendurable earthyl existence, suicide is frowned upon by the Satanic religion. . .

This has always been my belief but its very scary once you realize that when you yourself are really depressed and in the middle of something where you can see no way out from how ones own morals and ethics can be thrown out of the window. This is hard for me to write but I have felt suicidal from time to time after all this happened. I have felt like my whole life has gone down the drain. All this because I have lost my one big love in life. Somehow Im very capable of seeing that not everything in my life is bad. As I said I got a raised sallary, I have a new appartment, Im in the middle of recording a album with my band, I have a family that loves me etc. Somehow all this is thrown out of the window and I cant help but to cry because I have lost the woman I love.

Now I believe most people have had thoughts about suicide but there is a huge difference between having them and realy having them. Im pretty sure, even during my depressions, that I wouldnt be able to take my own life. After all it would inflict huge pain on people who like me and I wouldnt ever be able to see if things will be getting better in the future. I do not believe in an afterlife so if I were to die I wouldnt know the difference so it would truly be a definite way out.

Now, sometimes I have actually been scared because I havent recognized myself in what I have been thinking. Its been like two sides of me in conflict with eachother. I am sure that my "good" side will win, it always does it seems but it still doesnt change the fact that its really scary when the bad side is strong. This is what I mean by it being a huge difference between having thought of suicide and really having thought about suicide. Im guessing the next step is even worse when the bad side really controls you and this is what ultimately leads a person to take his or her own life.

I am a firm believer in that suicide is wrong in almost all cases. Point blank its stupid. But I also know from my own experience how things sometimes seem so negative that it really hurts to be alive. My good side has already made up my mind. I wanna keep my friendship with my ex girlfriend. My reasoning is that if I cut all ties I wont ever see her again. If I keep in contact I ca still have a good time with her and quite frankly she knows me best out of anyone in the world. A friendship like that isnt built in rapid fashion and I want to nurture that relation to her. After all I dos till love her and I want, in some way, still be a part of her life.

All is one

Did you ever say Yes to one joy? O my friends, then you said Yes to all woe as well. All things are chained and entwined together, all things are in love;
if you wanted one moment twice, if you ever said: ‘You please me, happiness, instant, moment!’ then you wanted everything to return!
you wanted everything anew, everything eternal, everything chained, entwined together, everything in love, oh that is how you loved the world,
you everlasting men, loved it eternally and for all time; and you say even to woe: ‘Go, but return!’ For all joy wants—eternity!

Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Satanism and its relation to Christianity

I found an article by a person called Rex Monday. He wrote a article that among other things dealt with the relationship Satanism has with Christianity. I found his thoughts very interesting and they really point to some good information that not everyone might be ready to accept:

Since I have mentioned Christianity in passing, I will now deal with the question of the relationship between Christianity and Satanism. I make no bones of the fact that I was a Christian before I became a Satanist, as were, to varying degrees I suppose, my colleagues. I have seen, time and time again, the charge by modern neo-pagans that Satanists are merely inverted Christians. To some extent, this charge is fell-founded. The relationship between Christianity and Satanism is very much like the relationship between the various schools of Tantrism and orthodox Vedanta. After all, the tantric’s use of meat, wine, and sexual intercourse are only shocking within the context of orthodox belief. In the west, we think nothing of wining and dining as a prelude to sexual intercourse - providing of course that the lady pays! In the same way, Satanism rejects the Christian values of chastity, meekness, denial of pleasure and the flesh, and bending the knee to a God who is all-pervasive. What the neo-pagans miss of course, is that they themselves are as influenced by Christian values as anyone else. It is too easy by far to simply embrace something which seems to be the antithesis of normality, without examining how one is bound by those values which, on the surface, one is seemingly rejecting. Christian values have infected modern Satanic groups in much the same way. This can be seen in the way that modern exponents of Satanism have concerned themselves with ‘becoming strong, and crushing the weak’. This desire to project one’s own values onto other people masks a deep-seated insecurity, and is little more than the Christian desire to ‘save souls’ by another name. The Satanist does not merely ‘invert’ the Christian impulse to interminably bother other people, but overcomes it, so that he is not at all concerned with other people apart from his chosen colleagues. For myself, it is much more ‘satanic’ to have mastered the art of minding my own business, rather than setting myself up to pronounce the fate of other, ‘lesser’ mortals.

LaVey on Satanism.

I am not a LaVeyan Satanist anymore. Heck, it was a long time since I was. Nowadays I may not even want to call myself a Satanist at all. The main principles of his worldview is still something that lies close to my heart even though I have definately put a personal twist on them. Maybe even to the point where people might not recognize the origin. I also really dislike LaVeys organisation which, to a person who isnt a member, seemingly is made upp by pretentious people that likes to dress up and have their head up their own ass. Maybe that was harsh but thats how many of their official spokespeople come off.

This is a quote by LaVey which I happen to like:

My brand of Satanism is the ultimate conscious alternative to herd mentality and institutionalized thought. It is a studied and contrived set of principles and exercises designed to liberate individuals from a contagion of mindlessness that destroys innovation. I have termed my thought “Satanism” because it is most stimulating under that name. Self discipline and motivation are effected more easily under stimulating conditions. Satanism means “the opposition” and epitomizes all symbols of noncomformity. Satanism calls forth the string ability to turn a liability into an advantage, to turn alienation into exclusivity. In other words, the reason it’s called Satanism is because its fun, its acurate, and its productive.

Anton LaVey - the devils notebook (foreword).

The "Ur" rune

I have recently started to look through Thomas Karlsson book "Uthark - nightside of the runes" again. My interest grew as I came to the part where he explains the "ur" rune. Look at this:

Ur (u): The Ur rune denotes the primeval state and the origin. The Ur rune is the Ur (original)-ox or the Ur-cow which in many mths represent the state before creation. In Nordic mythology it is the cow Audhumbla. If we were to turn the Ur rune so that it would look like a normal "u" we can see how it illustrates the horns of the animal. From the udder of Audhumbla four rivers of milk are flowing, feeding the other primeval being Ymer. The rivers of milk are the inherent nourishing force of the original state that spreads out in the cardinal directions of space. From a saltstone clad with white frost Audhumbla licks out the god triad of Voden, Vile and Ve. The saltstone is the crystal shaped form in which gods and runes can be found. This is the potentiality of the original state which is actualized and manifested through the following runes of the Uthark. The crystal returns to the Hagal rune. The Ur rune also illustrated Ginnungagap, the wide-open crack of primeval chaos and the original emptiness. The Ur-rune is the womb from which everything is created and born.

Very interesting isnt it? I find it very inspiring to see its relation to other koncepts in different traditions around the world.

Satanism, djävulsdyrkan och legitimitet att en gren är mer sann än en annan.

Ja nu har jag varit i debatt igen på ett internetforum. Det är så ofta diskussionerna kommer in på Satanism kontra Djävulsdyrkan, likheter, skillnader och vem som har mer rätt till namnet Satanism - teisterna eller ateisterna/agnostikerna. Detta är vad jag skrev om ämnet:

http://www.flashback.info/showthread.php?t=603987&page=2

Ursprungligen postat av Fiant
Tillbaka till skolbänken, unge man. Det går inte att skilja på satanism och sk. djävulsdyrkan. Djävulsdyrkan är dessutom ett felaktigt begrepp och existerar endast pga fördomar och kunskapsbrist när det gäller teistisk satanism. Det du beskriver är pinsamt nog den typiska bilden som CoS har försök övertyga vilsna ungdomar med i ett par årtionden. Faktum är att den "satanism" som CoS och Belial.org/fd. svenska satanistkyrkan företräder inte är mer än ett sämre hopkok av idéplagiat. Det har inget med satan att göra, deras arketyp har inte heller något med det att göra och skulle lika passande kunnat ha kallats för "Tomten".

Även du måste läsa på. Både du och Dangerous_Mind försöker legitimera olika del ar av satanismen som den enda sanna. Så lätt är det givetvis inte. CoS har visst massor att göra med Satan (som jag skrivit om tidigare här se nedan) och det har också teistiska inriktningar. Om man själv är en del av någon gruppering tror man förståss på deras läror och anser dem då för sanna. För alla andra finns det massvis av inriktningar som alla legitimt kan gå under namnet Satanism precis som att alla religioner har flertalet inriktningar och tankeströmningar. Ofta kan de existera samtidigt, använda samma etikett men gå emot varandra totalt när det gäller läror. Detta gäller såväl kristendom och judendom som satanism och andra former av "ockulta religioner".

Satanismen har ingen historisk basis. Dvs det är inte som kristendomen som har en historisk bas och en text som beskriver påstådda händelser i historien. Kristendomen har sin grund, som en egen religion, i att jesus fanns, att han var/är Guds son, att han dog för människans synder osv. Detta är grunden i kristendomen och deras heliga bok beskriver, enligt de kristna själva, historiska händelser. Trots detta förekommer miljontals tolkningar om vad som är rätt och riktigt och hur man ska tolka bibeln.

Om vi går över till Satanismen så har den INGEN historisk bakgrund liknande den kristendomen har. Ordet Satanism har funnits i hundratals år men organiserad satanism verkar vara ovanlig ändå in på 1900-talet. Satanismen utvecklades dock och idag ser vi också hur andra kulturers kulter och liknande har eller fortfarande inspirerar sataniska strömningar. Men dessa kan vi inte med rätta kalla satanism (även om man som jag och andra tror att de kan ha samma källa). Att då uttala sig om vad som är äkta satanism eller ej blir praktiskt taget omöjligt. Om kristna har problem trots en skrift som faktiskt gäller alla kristna vad har då Satanismen? Satanismen har ingen gemensam grund alls och att därför tala om vilken gren som är mer eller mindre äkta ter sig väldigt idiotiskt.

Nu riktar jag kritiken mot dig som påstår att tesitisk satanism skulle vara mer sann eller korrekt gentemot CoS men betänk att jag fört debatt med CoS-anhängare som även de har försökt monopolisera Satanismen som begrepp.

Vidare är LaVeys satanism kraftigt inspirerad av vissa tidigare tänkare. Men helt ärligt, vem är inte det? Kan du säga något som verkligen är orginellt av de filosofier eller religioner som finns idag? Skillnaden är nog att CoS är ganska öppna med att de lånat väldigt mycket av sin filosofi från annat håll medan andra religioner håller tyst om det (så har det dock inte alltid varit angående CoS och deras öppenhet angående plagiat).

Vidare visar du på enorm okunskap när du påstår att "Det har inget med satan att göra, deras arketyp har inte heller något med det att göra och skulle lika passande kunnat ha kallats för "Tomten"". Det visar på en enorm brist på kunskap både vad Satan kan symbolisera och hur CoS använder arketypen Satan. Jag citerar mig själv från en annan tråd där jag skrev ett inlägg riktat till en person som i mångt och mycket verkade ha gått med på CoS's historiebeskrivning:

http://www.flashback.info/showthread.php?t=599262&page=2

Ursprungligen postat av TheInsane:
Jag har studerat Satanism på universitetsnivå och har varit delaktig och figurerat i dessa sammanhang sedan 1997. Jag är väl medveten om vad Satan står för inom LaVeys Satanism. Den har klara paraleller med den kristna Satan. Om du inte själv kan se det rekomenderar jag dig att läsa både bibeln och den sataniska bibeln.

Jag påpekade även förut att Satan inte ses som en entitet av den moderna satanismen men trots detta är deras SYMBOLISKA tolkning av Satan som "en avspegling av de mänskliga" (som du uttrycker det) starkt influerad av den kristna Satan. Varför skulle namnet annars användas?

Låt mig förklara närmare så att du kanske förstår. "Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit" för inte detta tankarna till ormen i edens lustgård som bjuder människan på kunskapens frukt? Och ordet satans egentliga betydelse - "motståndare". Satan representerar Guds motståndare i kristendomen och Satan i Satanismen representerar i mångt och mycket motstånd mot det kristna tankesättet. Kristendomen förespråkar att man ska älska sin nästa och vända den andra kinden till. CoS Satanismen anser att man enbart ska älska de som förtjänar ens kärlek och att man ska slå tillbaka om man själv blir slagen. Sedan har vi dualismen där vissa drifter ska arbetas bort enligt kristendomen. Satansimen är dock accepterande av människans natur och förstår nödvändigheten av även destruktivitet (men absolut inte enbart detta). Utan mörker ingen ljus. Min tolkning liksom många andras är att kristen människosyn är dualistisk på flera plan medan Satanismen är icke-dualistisk då den accpterar alla våra driften och kans e värde i dem alla.

Sedan har vi de starka paralellerna att Satan kan tolkas som extremt individualistisk i Bibeln liksom i CoS's Satanism. I Bibeln vill Satan frigöra sig Guds lagar och regler och skapa egna regler för sig själv. Satanismen har samma strävan att göra sig fri från skadlig flockmentalitet och att skapa en egen sfär. Oftast enbart moraliskt och etiskt men inom CoS finns/fanns det också tankar om arificiell intelligens och "custom made enviroments" (se dokumentet "pentagnal revisionism" på CoS's hemsida).

Vidare finns det i Bibeln ett stycke där någon, i äldre tolkningar ofta Lucifer, förklarar att hans mål är att höja sin tron över Guds stjärnor. Även om sektionen i fråga antagligen handlar om kejsare Nero har den under lång tid fått symbolisera Satans och/eller Lucifers mål att själv härska. Detta är precis vad CoS också förespråkar. En ständig strävan efter att höja upp sig själv och bli sin egen Gud. Att höja sig så pass att man blir så autonom som man kan bli - precis som Satan i Bibeln.

Vidare finns en karaktär i bibeln som kopplas samman med Satan, åklagaren, som visserligen agerar å Guds vägnar men vars uppgift är att ifrågasätta människors tro. CoS förespråkar att man ifrågasätter alla ting och LaVey hyllar tvivlet i sin sataniska bibel.

Även tanken om att Satan är "denna världs prins" finns i CoS där Satan står för vital existens här och nu utan tankar på ett möjligt spirituellt liv efter detta.

I vissa något mer progressiva grenar av modern satanism är det också viktigt att Satan står för det rörliga, fria, kreativa, kaotiska etc precis som tt den bibliska kan tolkas Satan stå för det rörliga och dynamiska i kontrast till Gud - den statiska.

Jag hoppas att du förstår mer vad jag menar. Satan för CoS är starkt infuerad av kristendom men precis som du säger är det inte som en entitet. Men symbolen är laddad med kopplingar till den kristna Satan. Annars skulle LaVey aldrig ha valt Satan i första taget. Och om du fortfarande inte är övertygad kan jag gå in ännu djupare på ämnet.

Vamacara Tantra

I dont know if everything in this quote is true but I came across this piece when I was searching for the roots of the term "left hand path".

VAMACARA TANTRA is part of a broad evolutionary process in consciousness, which is moving toward an integration with the Natural World, the physical body and the many sexual expressions of human behavior. All of Nature is then perceived as a sacred manifestation of the Divine, where there is no separation between Spirit and Nature, Mind and Body. So consequently there isn't any great effort to go beyond or transcend Nature. Rather, the effort is to put one's self in accord with Nature and the physical body, and to express one's own creative potential more fully[. . .]

VAMACARA isn't part of the adolescent male's quest for dissolving the body in a ball of light, or seeking to conquer physical mortality. It doesn't seek the spiritual at the expense of the physical, because the two are already recognized as expressions of the same underlying reality. It doesn't seek physical immortality by turning away from death, because it also recognizes that birth and death are the complimentary sides of the same continuum.

I really like this and it reflects my view of the world in many ways. Well see if I have the time and can make the effort to research this more deeply.

Indeed, the hidden and the manifest
Give birth to each other.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short exhibit each other.
High and low set measure to each other.
Back and front follow each other.


Tao Te Ching

Dialectic monism

When I searched for stuff regarding the relationship between Heraclitean philosophy and Taoism I came across this post frm a message board. It deals with dialectic monism. To view the whole thread and its discussion click here.

I: FOUNDATIONS

1. Change is unchanging; the unchanging is change. This is the Logos.

2. Unchanging change is not purely cyclic, for repetition is changeless.

3. Transcending repetition, spontaneity is both random and progressive.

II: PHYSICS

4. Change is first potentiality and later actuality. The transition from potential to actual informs time and space, which are the antecedents of matter.

5. Manifesting spontaneous order and progression, change self-organizes the physical capacity to perceive itself with ever-increasing awareness.

III: EPISTEME

6. Change is understood in terms of distinctions. When perceiving itself, the unity of change becomes the universal dialectic of "this" and "that."

IV: PRAXIS

7. Spiritual practice consists of reconciling our perception of distinctions with the awareness of unity. We learn to see duality, yet experience oneness.

8. A society reflects the spiritual development of its individual members.

V: EXCELSIOR

9. Science reveals the world, art interprets it. Philosophy synthesizes both.

10. Our human destiny, through the arts and sciences, is a common ascent.

The human body is not a thing or substance, given, but a continuous creation... an energy system... which is never a complete structure; never static; is in perpetual inner self-construction and self-destruction; we destroy in order to make it new.

Norman O. Brown

Black Sabbath - N.I.B.

Some people say my love cannot be true
Please believe me, my love, and Ill show you
I will give you those things you thought unreal
The sun, the moon, the stars all bear my seal

Follow me now and you will not regret
Leaving the life you led before we met
You are the first to have this love of mine
Forever with me till the end of time

Your love for me has just got to be real
Before you know the way Im going to feel
Im going to feel
Im going to feel

Now I have you with me, under my power
Our love grows stronger now with every hour
Look into my eyes, you will see who I am
My name is lucifer, please take my hand

Samsara, nirvana and sunyata

Whatever can be conceptualized is therefore relative, and whatever is relative is Sunya, empty. Since absolute inconceivable truth is also Sunya, Sunyata or the void is shared by both Samsara and Nirvana. Ultimately, Nirvana truly realized is Samsara properly understood.

Nagarjuna

Very beautiful. My plans for the future includes to go deeper on the subject of sunyata and what it really means. Both in regards to my personal philosophy and what it means for buddhism. I like buddhistic metaphysics but as with so many things I dislike alot of the moral and ethical stuff that it endorses. Not always the principles per se but also why they are to be used.

Thus spoke Zarathustra. . . again.

I was siting on the train yesterday and read Friedrich Nietzsches "Thus Spoke Zarathustra". Everything just felt right when I had read the chapter "The Home-Coming". I must have read the right thing at the right moment because something connected with me. Below you can see me quote the whole chapter. Its not the same translation I read (which was done by R.J. Hollingdale for penguing classics) but something I found after a quick search on the internet.

The Return Home

O LONESOMENESS! My home, lonesomeness! Too long have I lived wildly in wild remoteness, to return to thee without tears!
Now threaten me with the finger as mothers threaten; now smile
upon me as mothers smile; now say just: "Who was it that like a whirlwind once rushed away from me?-
-Who when departing called out: 'Too long have I sat with lonesomeness; there have I unlearned silence!' That hast thou learned now- surely?
O Zarathustra, everything do I know; and that thou wert more forsaken amongst the many, thou unique one, than thou ever wert with me!
One thing is forsakenness, another matter is lonesomeness: that hast thou now learned! And that amongst men thou wilt ever be wild and strange:
-Wild and strange even when they love thee: for above all they want to be treated indulgently!
Here, however, art thou at home and house with thyself; here canst thou utter everything, and unbosom all motives; nothing is here ashamed of concealed, congealed feelings.
Here do all things come caressingly to thy talk and flatter thee: for they want to ride upon thy back. On every simile dost thou here ride to every truth.
Uprightly and openly mayest thou here talk to all things: and verily, it soundeth as praise in their ears, for one to talk to all things- directly!
Another matter, however, is forsakenness. For, dost thou remember, O Zarathustra? When thy bird screamed overhead, when thou stoodest in the forest, irresolute, ignorant where to go, beside a corpse:-
-When thou spakest: 'Let mine animals lead me! More dangerous have I found it among men than among animals:'- That was forsakenness!
And dost thou remember, O Zarathustra? When thou sattest in thine isle, a well of wine giving and granting amongst empty buckets, bestowing and distributing amongst the thirsty:
-Until at last thou alone sattest thirsty amongst the drunken ones, and wailedst nightly: 'Is taking not more blessed than giving?
And stealing yet more blessed than taking?'- That was forsakenness!
And dost thou remember, O Zarathustra? When thy stillest hour came and drove thee forth from thyself, when with wicked whispering it said: 'Speak and succumb!'-
-When it disgusted thee with all thy waiting and silence, and discouraged thy humble courage: That was forsakenness!"-
O lonesomeness! My home, lonesomeness! How blessedly and tenderly speaketh thy voice unto me!
We do not question each other, we do not complain to each other; we go together openly through open doors.
For all is open with thee and clear; and even the hours run here on lighter feet. For in the dark, time weigheth heavier upon one than in the light.
Here fly open unto me all beings' words and word-cabinets: here all being wanteth to become words, here all becoming wanteth to learn of me how to talk.
Down there, however- all talking is in vain! There, forgetting and passing-by are the best wisdom: that have I learned now!
He who would understand everything in man must handle everything.
But for that I have too clean hands.
I do not like even to inhale their breath; alas! that I have lived so long among their noise and bad breaths!
O blessed stillness around me! O pure odours around me! How from a deep breast this stillness fetcheth pure breath! How it hearkeneth, this blessed stillness!
But down there- there speaketh everything, there is everything misheard. If one announce one's wisdom with bells, the shopmen in the market-place will out-jingle it with pennies!
Everything among them talketh; no one knoweth any longer how to understand. Everything falleth into the water; nothing falleth any longer into deep wells.
Everything among them talketh, nothing succeedeth any longer and accomplisheth itself. Everything cackleth, but who will still sit quietly on the nest and hatch eggs?
Everything among them talketh, everything is out-talked. And that which yesterday was still too hard for time itself and its tooth, hangeth today, outchamped and outchewed, from the mouths of the men of today.
Everything among them talketh, everything is betrayed. And what was once called the secret and secrecy of profound souls, belongeth to-day to the street-trumpeters and other butterflies.
O human hubbub, thou wonderful thing! Thou noise in dark streets!
Now art thou again behind me:- my greatest danger lieth behind me!
In indulging and pitying lay ever my greatest danger; and all human hubbub wisheth to be indulged and tolerated.
With suppressed truths, with fool's hand and befooled heart, and rich in petty lies of pity:- thus have I ever lived among men.
Disguised did I sit amongst them, ready to misjudge myself that I might endure them, and willingly saying to myself: "Thou fool, thou dost not know men!"
One unlearneth men when one liveth amongst them: there is too much foreground in all men- what can far-seeing, far-longing eyes do there!
And, fool that I was, when they misjudged me, I indulged them on that account more than myself, being habitually hard on myself, and often even taking revenge on myself for the indulgence.
Stung all over by poisonous flies, and hollowed like the stone by many drops of wickedness: thus did I sit among them, and still said to myself: "Innocent is everything petty of its pettiness!"
Especially did I find those who call themselves "the good," the most poisonous flies; they sting in all innocence, they lie in all innocence; how could they- be just towards me!
He who liveth amongst the good- pity teacheth him to lie. Pity maketh stifling air for all free souls. For the stupidity of the good is unfathomable.
To conceal myself and my riches- that did I learn down there: for every one did I still find poor in spirit. It was the lie of my pity, that I knew in every one.
-That I saw and scented in every one, what was enough of spirit for him, and what was too much!
Their stiff wise men: I call them wise, not stiff- thus did I learn to slur over words.
The grave-diggers dig for themselves diseases. Under old rubbish rest bad vapours. One should not stir up the marsh. One should live on mountains.
With blessed nostrils do I again breathe mountain-freedom. Freed at last is my nose from the smell of all human hubbub!
With sharp breezes tickled, as with sparkling wine, sneezeth my soul- sneezeth, and shouteth self-congratulatingly: "Health to thee!"

Void, Chaos, Causality! Whee!

I know there is alot of quotation and re-publishing on the blog right now but to be honest I dont care about that at all. What follows is a post at the Occult Corpus forums made by the user "Rin".Not very deep but well worth thinking about.

[ Taoism ]
Metaphysically, Taoism can be said to assert that everything that appears to exist is one of the "Ten Thousand Things" which arise by the interaction of Yin and Yang. Yin and Yang are sometimes said to be expressions or qualities of Tao (I'm sure there's a better way to word this, so please forgive my linguistic failings). Tao can be described as being beyond "existence" and "non-existence", and that any attempt to assert that it is either/or will fail (but it won't necessarily be utterly false, either). Much like dark matter in astro-physics, the Tao is inferred by its "influences" or "effects" on observable and experiential phenomena. The point I want to make with reference to the Tao in the context of this thread is its infinite potential, that it can be said to contain everything we can possibly imagine and everything we possibly cannot.

[ Buddhist Karmic Causality ]
Karma is slightly different in Buddhism than in Hinduism or Jainism. Though despite the differences it has been, historically, largely moral in nature. In Western nations that have seen a spread of Buddhism, the idea of karma is expanding to include general causality (if you place your hand in a fire, it will burn). Many people in the dialogues between Buddhist philosophy and science have made the connection between karma and Newton's third law of motion ("every action has (an equal and opposite) a reaction").

One of the implications of this is that everything that exists presently does so because it has been caused to exist. That the result of karma, multiplied across vast distances of time, space and other have brought us to where and what we find ourselves today. We're like in a seething ocean of causality where causes and conditions interpenetrate and produce countless holographic-like effects. Some of these are the Earth itself, human beings, star formations, cultures, and even the idea of selfhood. It's said that since everything is causal, nothing is permanent.

[ Chaos ]
Chaos theory tells us that chaos has to inevitably give rise to order or patterns. Although, because those patterns arise from chaos, they must inevitably return to chaos. Chaos is, therefore, like a vast ocean of potentiality where order arises like waves before subsiding back. The appearance of patterns is largely illusory because the order that arises is not wholly separate from the chaos out of which it arose and it is, by extension, connected to other systems of order. We can also observe intra-pattern chaos and order (such as in a nation whose political factions swap out and change altogether, back and forth and in between).

Chaos theory in magic can tie together the idea of the Tao as being infinite potential (you could insert a poor simile here and say that Tao is like a blank canvas) and that of Buddhist Causality (another simile could say that causality is like every possible colour of paint being made available to you, to play endlessly across a canvas). With proper awareness and trans-rational understanding**, one could look deeply into systems of chaos and get some idea of what kind of pattern will emerge and when.

And since we're all part of this vast, beginningless sea of progressive, aprogressive and entropic chaos, we can ourselves effect change in the currents in, around, and that is us. A big key in this is to stop viewing yourself as being separate and distinct from everything that happens around you, and things that appear to happen far away from you (in both time and space). Even quantum science will tell us that time and space are illusory, and that distance is largely meaningless on the quantum level of reality.

Chart of the Great Ultimate (Taiji tu)

The quote is taken from the website of Stanford University. You can find it here.

The relations among the different cosmological configurations that intervene between the Dao and the "ten thousand things" are illustrated in the Chart of the Great Ultimate (Taiji tu), which was discussed at length by both Taoist and Neo-Confucian authors. Texts in the Daozang (Taoist Canon) contain several versions of this chart; the one reproduced below is the best-known version.

On top, the chart depicts the Absolute (wuji) as an empty circle.

Below is another circle that represents the Great Ultimate (taiji) as harboring the Two, or Yin and Yang, shown as two semicircles that mirror each other. Each semicircle is made of black (Yin) and white (Yang) lines that enclose each other, to depict Yin containing True Yang and Yang containing True Yin. The empty circle within these lines corresponds to the empty circle on top, alluding to the notion that Yin and Yang are the "function" or "operation" (yong) of Emptiness, which in turn is their "substance" or "core" (ti).

Following this are the Five Agents (wuxing), which constitute a further stage in the progressive differentiation from Oneness to multiplicity. The lines that connect the Agents to each other show the sequence in which they are generated, namely Wood, Fire, Soil, Metal, and Water. In the configuration of the Five Agents, the Great Ultimate is represented by the central Soil (which is said to have a "male" and a "female" aspect) and reappears as the small empty circle below, which represents the conjunction of Water and Fire ("Great Yin" and "Great Yang") and of Wood and Metal ("Minor Yang" and "Minor Yin").

The circle below the Five Agents represents the joining of Heaven and Earth, or the active and passive principles that respectively give birth to and support the existence of the "ten thousand things." The state of multiplicity is represented by the circle at the base of the diagram.

The darkness was one

The Eternal Parent, wrapped in invisible robes slumbered. Time was not, for it lay asleep in the infinite bosom of duration. Space was not, for there was no place or point. Darkness alone filled the Boundless All. And the Darkness was One.

The Seven Sublime Forms and the Five Truths were not yet, and the universe, the child of Necessity, had not yet been breathed out. Alone, the One Form of Being stretched boundless, infinite, causeless, in dreamless sleep. And life pulsated unconscious, throughout that all-presence. The Great Wheel was not yet. The Dark Formers and the Luminous Forms, were not yet. The Forms that come from No-form rested in the bliss of eternal non-being. And the Darkness was One.

A vibration thrills through Darkness, expanding within and without, touching the whole Universe which was now an embryo in Darkness. Then, the Ray flashed out into a web of 7 lights, and the 5 truths molded the whole into LIFE. Yet still, the Darkness was One.

And the Cosmos was born from the web, a woven fabric of many colors and tones. And the cloth was woven perfectly, no color dominated, yet none were the same; no tones were the same, yet all were harmonious; all blended in a variegated ever-changing cloth, whose capacity for infinite change was proof of the miracle of life. And all things living are part of this woven fabric of life. And all they have to do to delight in this gift of life, is BE. Yet through the changing of times and places, through the births and deaths of stars that form the Web of Life, the Wheel Spins relentlessly in the Grand Illusion. Yet still, the Darkness IS One.

Delar av "the darkness was one - a doctrine of cosmogenesis".

Joh 18-19

Detta är Jesus ord från Joh 18-19:

18. Om världen hatar er, kom då ihåg att den har hatat mig före er.

19. Om ni tillhörde världen skulle världen älska er som sina egna. Men nu tillhör ni inte världen, utan jag har kallat er ut ur världen, och därför hatar världen er.

God Of Emptiness

Lies - And you fill their souls
With all oppressions of this world
And all the glory you receive?
So, What makes you supreme?
Lies - Your crown is falling
I offer fantasy
And you, you creator are
Blind with envy

Let the children come to me
Their mother loves me, so shall they
Woman, bleeding, ate my gifts
Man was close behind
Just like a snake I'm slithering
Thru my world divine
And like the cat I'm stalking
I'll take your soul and You'll
Be like me
In emptiness, free

Just bow to me faithfully
Bow to me splendidly

(Morbid Angel - Covenant - God of Emptiness)

Sokrates

If there is a life after death, then I will go to be with people like myself. If there is not a life after death, then I will not know the difference.

(Sokrates)

Flashback

Jag tänkte härmed ciera mig själv under en diskussion på forumet Flashback. Lite ändrat är det men grunden är helt densamma. Det är ett svar på både en första frågeställning samt svar till denna frågeställning.

Utan att vara jättepåläst om religionens inflytande på vår historia så kan jag säga med säkerhet att den har haft både bra och dåligt inflytande och inget av det. Religion har genomsyrat så oerhört mycket i vår historia (i princip allt på någon nivå). TomasTvivlaren [medlem på flashback] lägger fram flera idéer som han tycker är bra som religionen har bidragit till men det faktum att vi inte kan veta hur det hade varit utan religionen gör att argumenten slår löst i luften. Kanske hade allt varit mycket bättre utan religionen. Kanske har den hindrat oss mer gentemot positiv utveckling än den har berett vägen för densamma. Och sedan finns det också den klassiska frågan om vad som är positiv respektive negativ utveckling?

Frågeställaren talar om "religion" vilket i dagens samhälle innefattar hur mycket som helst. Även en fråga som "Vad anser ni om kristendomens påverkan på historien?" är egentligen alldeles för stor för att avhandlas här. Tänkt då om vi ska ta alla religioner i åtanke.

Att de kristna sedan ser det som att religionen är av godo är inte så konstigt. De ser ju gud som en sorts allgod varelse. Det är istället människors fel att allt går åt helvete. _Vi_ utnyttjar religionen på fel sätt. _Vi_ med _vår_ fria vilja ställer till det osv. Det som sannerligen kommer av religionen är då alltid gott för dem och det är allt som inte är inom religionens ramar som gör att vi tar felsteg.

Kort och gott anser den kristne antagligen att religionen står för allt gott i samhället och allt som går emot den är något som drar oss bort från Gud (vilket är synd).
Vi andra kan omöjligt säga att det har varit enbart bra eller enbart dåligt för världen. Det finns såklart två sidor av myntet och antagligen ännu fler.

Thus Spoke Zarathustra

For all things are baptized at the fount of eternity and beyond good and evil; good and evil themselves, however, are only intervening shadows and damp afflictions and passing clouds.

Friedrich Nietzsche - Thus Spoke Zarathustra (before sunrise).

Chaos Magic

What is Chaos Magic:

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word "chaos" is Greek in origin. Its original meaning was: "a vast gulf or chasm; the neither abyss, empty space, infinite darkness, the first state of the universe." In English, this was refined to mean "the formless void of primordial matter, the 'great deep' or 'abyss' out of which the cosmos or structure of the universe was evolved." The popular modern interpretation of the word as being a synonym for "disorder" is a recent and somewhat misleading development. Both order and disorder are themselves manifestations of the Primal Chaos. The original meaning had more in common with what the Eastern mystics call the Tao. I think this is not at all accidental.

Chaos Magic:

One of the most frequently cited tenets of Chaos magic is that "Nothing is True and Everything is Permitted," a quote attributed to Hassan I Sabbah and used by Friedrich Nietzsche in his work Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Like Crowley's "'Do what thou wilt' shall be the whole of the law," this phrase is often mistakenly interpreted in its most literal sense to mean that there is no such thing as objective truth, so people are free to do whatever they choose. However, "Nothing is True and Everything is Permitted" is more widely interpreted to mean "there is no such thing as an objective truth outside of our perception; therefore, all things are true and possible."

Baphomet

Baphomet är en gudom som väcker stor uppmärksamhet. Bilden av Eliphas Levi är antagligen den mest kända (dens er ni här till höger) men också Church of Satan och andra Satanister använder Baphomets sigill som symbol. Mina tankar om denna gudom är givetvis symboliska. Myterna är inte sanna i sig men är ett sätt att förklara teorier om universums uppbyggnad och vad som fanns innan och vad som kommer efteråt. De idéer jag lägger fram nu är tills tor grad baserade på Tani Jantsangs artikel om Baphomet som man kan köpa här.

Geten Pan symboliserar Baphe Metes ("initiation into wisdom measurement") - exoteriskt - och Bahi Mid ("the watery abyss and the ten") - esoteriskt. Den svarta geten sitter på toppen av en halvglob. En symbol för den mörka kraften som kosmokrator. Jag hittade faktiskt något tänkvär på wikipedia (av alla ställen) om detta:

However, “Kosmokrator”—with cosmos (Greek κόσμο) and κράτορας ("kratia"), as in dēmokratikós, or "democratic" does not mean to create but to rule, direct or influence. Koine Greek κοσμοκράτορας, which literally means "world-ruler" and is applied to Satan in Ephesians 6:12, ("against the world-rulers (κοσμοκράτορας/Δείτε επίσης) the darkness of age") would, by this Gnostic interpretation, lead to an indication of the power of Satan and his identity with the Demiurge. This usage would according to some vilify the logos[10] as it was used by Heraclitus, meaning the ruling or guiding principle of the universe.

Benen på geten med sina hovar representerar jorden, fjällen på magen är vattnet, vingarna är luften, huvudet är elden och det över huvudet är den svarta flamman (den mörka kraften inuti kosmos).

Uppe till höger ser vi en ljus måne i mörkret som symboliserar ande i oformat mörker. I nedre högra hörnet ser vi en mörk måne omringad av ljus som symboliserar materia i format ljus. Det formlösa blir format, arupa blir rupa, chaos blir ordning/kosmos etc. PÅ getens högra arm (den som pekar upp) står ordet solve som betyder upplösning (entropi, outvecklat kaos) och på den andra armen står det "coagula" som betyder stelnande, det bundna, det formade kosmos. Det är bron från mörker till ljus, kaos till kosmos, det formlösa till det med form osv.

Detta är inte statiskt dock. Mörker blir ljud som sedan blir mörker igen. Kom ihåg att min syn är cyclisk precis som året med dess årstider. Det finns andra spekter som Tani lyfter fram men som jag inte ska beröra vidare här. Några få ord kan dock sägas om Baphomets sigill. Detta består av 3 olika symboliska värden. Den första kan sägas vara bokstäverna i ringen som stavar till ordet Leviathan på hebreiska. Leviathan är en varelse av kaos och som därför är något som existerade innan kosmos. Den andra är pentagrammet som visar hur kaos blev till kosmos och hur det agerar i kosmos som för oss kan te sig som entropi (vilket gör att hela universum är i ständig omvandling - ej statiskt). Geten är Pan som också betyder alltet. Det är universum här och nu som vi upplever det. Det är det gränslösa mörkret med det bländande ljuset i (void/vajra, Amon Ra i andra traditioner).

Tao Te Ching quote

The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao;
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and earth.
The named is the mother of ten thousand things.
Ever desireless, one can see the mystery.
Ever desiring, one can see the manifestations.
These two spring from the same source but differ in name;
this appears as darkness.
Darkness within darkness.
The gate to all mystery.

To find ones Self?

A reoccuring part of my blog includes publishing quotes. Most often things I agree with or find interesting because of some other reason. This is one such quote:

. . .one does not “find” one’s self. One creates one’s self.

Occultism for the millions (sid. 44)