Random thoughts on a rought day.

This blog was first meant to be a diary kind of thing but before I would publish anything I decided it would be my religious/philosophical outlet. However as my personal life has become more and more confusing to me I have felt the need to go more personal than before. I guess the blog is really here for me to write whatever I want and right now metaphysics isnt the top priority. Far from it. Right now mental health is the most important thing.

Yesterday I tried to make things right. I was making this one call to tells omeone I wanted her friendship still and that I was sorry our discussions had turned to arguing. One can say it didnt work out at all. I heard immediately that she expected another arguing session from me and while I tried to be as calm as I could we still drifted into the same old pattern again. I dont say it was her faul, it was a combination. I had hoped for a call to make things, if not right then at least ok for the time being. Maybe it was too early to try such a thing?

The past week or so have been very depressing for me. My feelings race like a rollercoaster on speed. I have cried, been angry and have been sad. And in between there has been times when things have been more ok. Mostly when something is distracting me (like a movie or tv series) or when I had dinner with my good friend Jocke. It was supposed to be a talk about my feelings and the whole situation Im currently dealing with but while we did speak of that we also stayed a long time at the resturant and had great talk about so many things. That did wonders for me that night. Thanks again for your support.

Today was rough at work though. I had a great sleep but felt really bad when I woke up. Loads of feelings of regret and pain. So when I came to work and I was placed somewhere I didnt want to I kind of got angry and I know people noticed (I dont shout or say bad things but I show it in other ways). Later on in the day I felt bad and told my boss Im going through a really rough time emotionally. I didnt tell him why but I felt he needed to know so he didnt think it was just a bad attitude or something like that.

That was pretty much what I had to say about today. No progress but less of a rollercoaster ride of feelings. Today everything has been equally sad in my head the whole day. I always long to get home but the loneliness of living alone is also getting at me. And Im not one to call people just to talk. As I said Jocke has been great but I cant call him every day when I feel bad.

Anyway thats it for now.