Depression and suicide

I have been thinking of making this blog more international for a while so this will be my first post all in english (except for earlier quotes and such that were already written in english).

I will start things off on anegative note. Lately I haven't been feeling very good. It's been a rollercoaster ride of different emotions and thoughts. I just learned that the woman I love is engaged. The whole situation is complex and filled with misunderstandings between the two of us but I always thought things would turn out good between us in the end. When I heard about this it came as a shock and it really felt like my heart was ripped out. Since then I have had a hard time controling my feelings. In my head it was supposed to be her and me and since our relationshp was a long distance one I was all set, metally to leave my current life with work, my band and my country to make this relationship work. I was so sure it would happen within the next year or so when we had sorted things out but now things look very different and it feels like I've lost all things I ever worked for. Despite this things has been going well in my life. I bought a appartment which slowley but surely starts to look really good. I got a full-time job and also got the most out of the raise of my monthly sallary just days ago. But this seemed to overshadow it all.

Since this blog thus far has been very religious/philosophical in its approach I think this fits in well with both the blog and of course the contex. Most of my foundation lies within LaVeyan Satanism. I may not be able to call myself a LaVeyan or maybe not even a Satanist anymore but the very core or starting point of my philosophical experimentation lies within Anton LaVeys work. One of the things I really agreed with him upon was the view of life and death. While one should accept death as necessary, and in many ways what gives life its meaning, suicide was looked upon very negatively;

It is a well known fact that many people die simply because they give up and just don't care anymore. This is understandable if the person is very ill, with no apparent chance for recovery. But this often is not the case. Man has become lazy. He has learned to take the easy way out. Even suicide has become less repugnant to many people than any number of other sins. . .

Life is the one great indulgence; death the one great abstinence. To a person who is satisfied with his earthly existence, life is like a party; and no one likes to leave a good party. By the same token, if a person is enjoying himself here on earth he will not so readily give up this life for the promise of an afterlife about which he knows nothing. . .

Self-sacrifice is not encouraged by the Satanic religion. Therefore, unless death comes as an indulgence because of extreme circumstances which make the termination of life a welcome relief from the unendurable earthyl existence, suicide is frowned upon by the Satanic religion. . .

This has always been my belief but its very scary once you realize that when you yourself are really depressed and in the middle of something where you can see no way out from how ones own morals and ethics can be thrown out of the window. This is hard for me to write but I have felt suicidal from time to time after all this happened. I have felt like my whole life has gone down the drain. All this because I have lost my one big love in life. Somehow Im very capable of seeing that not everything in my life is bad. As I said I got a raised sallary, I have a new appartment, Im in the middle of recording a album with my band, I have a family that loves me etc. Somehow all this is thrown out of the window and I cant help but to cry because I have lost the woman I love.

Now I believe most people have had thoughts about suicide but there is a huge difference between having them and realy having them. Im pretty sure, even during my depressions, that I wouldnt be able to take my own life. After all it would inflict huge pain on people who like me and I wouldnt ever be able to see if things will be getting better in the future. I do not believe in an afterlife so if I were to die I wouldnt know the difference so it would truly be a definite way out.

Now, sometimes I have actually been scared because I havent recognized myself in what I have been thinking. Its been like two sides of me in conflict with eachother. I am sure that my "good" side will win, it always does it seems but it still doesnt change the fact that its really scary when the bad side is strong. This is what I mean by it being a huge difference between having thought of suicide and really having thought about suicide. Im guessing the next step is even worse when the bad side really controls you and this is what ultimately leads a person to take his or her own life.

I am a firm believer in that suicide is wrong in almost all cases. Point blank its stupid. But I also know from my own experience how things sometimes seem so negative that it really hurts to be alive. My good side has already made up my mind. I wanna keep my friendship with my ex girlfriend. My reasoning is that if I cut all ties I wont ever see her again. If I keep in contact I ca still have a good time with her and quite frankly she knows me best out of anyone in the world. A friendship like that isnt built in rapid fashion and I want to nurture that relation to her. After all I dos till love her and I want, in some way, still be a part of her life.