Balads

Ever since you left me I just can't go on
No I can't even read the news today
'Cause everything reminds me of yesterday

Contradicting my self.

Now read the post just under this one and then come back and read this.

Done? Ok, I just wanted to say that this past night wasn't good at all. Every night since I started feeling bad has actually been ok. During the actual night when I have been asleep I have truly been asleep. Deep and good sleep (which may be why I never wanted to wake up in the mornings). However the night to today was very different. While I dont want to call it a nightmare it sure wasnt a nice dream. Actually I dont really remember what happened but it was one of those dreams where someone acted in a way and didnt understand that it really hurt me. Kind of doing stuff that made me feel really bad without them realizing they did it. Now I have had these kind of dreams with different people in them in the apst as well (we're talking years and years ago) but obviously it was different this time around in regards to my situation.

I truly hope that I wont be dreaming alot of non-good stuff in the future. I do not wish to wake up like I did today.


On another note, I was actually at a local hockey game last night. It was a big thing since it was free to attend and the sponsors gave the local team money for every person in the arena. It was full with over 2000 people there. Quite the turn out I would say. Im not a big sports fan and the two first periods were so so but the third actually picked up some pace and it was pretty exciting. It was an importan match and my team won with 5 to 4 in the end. Christoffer was there with me and overall I had a nice time. Its good to do things one doesnt usually do.

On the future of the blog.

I have been thinking and I think this blog has become a little bit to predictable. I seem to say the same things over and over lately. Its because I constantly think of these things and quite frankly I have a hard time breaking free from certain negative thought patterns. But I can only write about how bad I feel every morning before its not just boring to eventual readers but also serves no purpose for me. At first it was a great output but I feel like I dont need it at this moment. Im sure that I will write about certain things again but I will try to cut down on it because it no longer serves a purpose. And if I feel that I need to write to release certain emotions then I can always do so even if it contradics this post ;)

Anyway, I thought all my (imaginary) readers should know that.

Meshuggah

Lately I have been listening to Meshuggah alot. I dont know why but I think their music in combination with my mood is a great match. Its hard and heavy but also pretty meditative. I always appreciated their slowest stuff the most, like Catch 33. However I have been listening to Nothing as well as the more crazy stuff like Chaosphere. I have also been trying their new album ObZen and sometimes I like it and sometimes its just there doing nothing for me (positive or negative). I'll keep giving it a few chances to see what my final verdict will be.

The face

Its Monday and its morning again. That face is back in my head, mocking, making fun of me. Monday mornings are the worst. While I work Im usually so caught up in it that it feels safe and Im worrying about the weekend. While Im off work and have a good weekend (like this one that just passed) I hate going back to work. Even more so of course when my "morning illness" is back. While it isnt full force anymore it still sucks.

On a forum someone asked what one wuld ask for if you knew you would get to know the truth. Alot of people of course had big questions which regarded the secrets of the universe, the existance of God etc. My question would be the most important though. "How will I find happiness?" Remember kids one can live without alot of things but if you dont have happiness you dont really have a life worth living.

Synthesis of imagery.

A chaotic view on the current situation.

However, if you want a one-line definition with which most Chaoists would probably not disagree, then I offer the following. Chaoists usually accept the meta-belief that belief is a tool for achieving effects; it is not an end in itself. (Pete Carroll)

Now I have been increasingly interested in something I would like to call philosophical chaotism. Actually it was something I wrote when I was supposed to describe my religious views on facebook. I just wrote "philosophical chaote" without much thought. It was meant to be mysterious and not obvious. Now Im no magician so to call myself a chaos magician would be wrong but I really like the underlying way of thinking in this movement. Its the results that count and not if the way one goes about to get to them is true or holds a objective truth. They can invoke the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael in a ritual to move towards whatever goal they strive for. Now the actual existence in Raphael has nothing to do with anything. Whats important is if the desired effect of the ritual is gained.

Now these past few days I have been very comfortable in the thought that all things happen for a reason. This is something I turned to a few years ago when I was feeling down as well and somehow, some way it gave me comfort. Its not what I really believe but it doesnt matter. It gives me comfort to believe that for whatever reason there is a purpose to me going through what Im going through right now.

Now Im critical of that kind of deterministic thought - you know if I would speak in public on my beliefs in the universe and how things work. But with the increased pain I felt a few weeks ago my viewpoint changed. It has been mostly about the big picture for such a long time. Now I was feeling bad and suddenly all that mattered was that I wanted to feel better. All the big metaphysical theories was cast down, or left behind. Not that I didnt believe in certain things but that they werent important anymore. To long had I been focusing on transcendent thoughts, dreams and theories. So much so that when I lost one of my "safe pillars" I fell really hard and really fast. I needed to think about me, about relations between humans with differing opinions and just getting through life. Now not everything is based on the way I was thinking about stuff, "real world" situations also helped alot but I discovered, just like I did years before, that a basic view on life that "all things happen for a reason" was helping me mentally getting through certain emotions.

Now everything may have a reason as to why it happens. Im not so much against that as I am againt the general associations with that kind of view on life. The determination of all things through a "higher conciousness" or through cause and effect or any other belief like that. Now I dont believe in free will either so I guess Im not really a proponent of any side here (much unlike many religious people, at least christians, who somehow finds logic to believe in both determinism and free will at the same time). Its as easy as me feeling better in times of crisis with a view on life that there is some reason behind what has caused me pain. I probably somehow make up that reason as I go along the path of life but the belief that its already there is very much comforting. Once I felt better I abandoned that kind of thinking. Maybe I will this time around as well. maybe that will be the "reason" as to why this happened. Now that sentence was full of contradiction but it does make sense. Well it does to me at least. But then again this comes from a guy who believes the all come from none and that the core of all things we can see hear, touch, feel etc really is nothingness.

During a class in philosophy a person once said that he would rather be sad and know how things really were rather than be happy and be blind to the truth. Now its an admireable position to have but having just been through terrible sadness I can say that at this moment I would rather be happy and ignorant towards the truth rather than knowing all truths in the world (if there are indeed a things such as truth) and be miserable. I sometimes see my interest in metaphysics as a curse for just this reason. Because of my knowledge and extended ways to think about stuff that cant be grasped (probably ever) I think I have lost alot of the joy in actually living. One of the things I felt my ex was doing was to just accept life and to live it. Im not saying she never encounter bad things or never feel bad but her basic outlook is very much going with the flow and accepting things as they are. I really miss that part of my life and of course I miss her bringing that view into my life. I always overthink and overanalyze. Heck, just look at this long ass post. Its probably taken me close to an hour to think of how to write and express how I feel in a blog that no one even reads. Isnt that the truth?

The day after...

So as usual Im not really hungover the day after some good drinking. Sundays are usually pretty useless and even more so nowadays with my personal problems but I wont focus on that actually. Yesterday I bought a desk where I now have my computer and its fits inr eally well with my black and white wall. The one negative is that the surface is very easily damaged with skratches and such. I really should to something about it.

I also bought two carpets and they both fits in nicely. One of them will probably go well with the couch which has been ordered and will be delivered at the end of the month. I also bought a hat-rack which I hope to be able to screw up on the wall during the day (depends on my father and the screwdriver).

So things are starting to fall into place in regards to the design of the appartment. All the small stuff is still on the "to do" list but I dont want to do that until my couch arrives so I know how the curtains will go with the color of the couch etc. Im sure it will be good in the end. I am happy with how things have turned out so far.

However the renovation of the kitchen will take its time. I dont think it will be ready until the summer but we'll see. As of right now I dont even have any good ideas for how it should look. Oh well, I guess it'll come to me eventually.

I think today will be the big cleaning day. As things start to fall into place I get more and more annoyed when things are scattered all over the appartment. I pretty much have everything I need to put most things away and to keep things nice and clean. I still have to wait until I can get into my repository though. I dont really like that because it means that I still have some boxes in my appartment which really shouldnt be here.

I may post pics of the appartment when everything is in place (and if Im happy with it). Need to buy a proper camera first though.

Now playing - Machine Head "blood for blood".

Bloging under the influence part III

Yep, the second day in a row but not really any negative feelings this time around. Sure I was probably passed out for an hour or two before I got home but still I almost didnt think of the things that usually trouble my mind. It was really nice for a change. So I agtually doesnt have to much to write about now. I pretty much stay awake to not go to bed to drunk. Surprisingly enough I think my spelling is really damn good for having drunk several beers during the night. Nothings tronger though which may explain some stuff.

Oh well, we'll see when I write next. Hopefully its with good news :)

Bloging under the influence part II

I have nothing much to write this time around except that I felt like half a man when I sat alone on the train to get home from the pre-listening session of my band latest album. While I have almost never had the opportunity to hold someones hand on my way home I sure did miss it tonight. I guess its my mind playing tricks on me when Im drunk. We'll see what happens tomorrow when there will be more drinking going on.

Over and out.

An update!

So its been a while since I last wrote here (well compared to how much stuff I put up here the past few weeks anyway). So here's and update on whats going on in my life.

This past Monday my ex came online to talk to me. She started by wanting to discuss the past which I was against because I didnt want any more arguing about it. I was just trying to come to terms with the fact that we had very seperate views on what happened. Right now it doesnt matter, it has happened, it caused me great pain so I didnt want to talk about it. However she did and I kept calm and it went good. Then I proceeded to tell her I was sorry for my behaviour (I still regret acting to much "in the moment" when I first learned about her future plans). However she told me it was her who should appologize ("I am sorry I have hurt you so much without realising"). I accepted the appology and it did feel better.

After this chat I have been feeling a little bit better overall. Before the chat I had a hard time focusing with thoughts just running wild in my head. I could not hold on to anything except for a few days when all I had in my head was one thing. This one day it was the phrase "it should have been me". That has for the most part disappeared.

Now it still hurts but its good to know that I didnt make her my enemy (or even non-friend) in the process of the grief I felt over losing her. The dream I had was often so vivid. I imagined us getting married, getting a house and I cans till see her proud face in my head when I imagine that shes pregnant. Im sure she will be just as proud as I have imagined just not with me as the father. Thats probably what hurts the most. I really wanted to have a family with her.

Now we have put the arguing behind us and have said to eachother that we will be friends. I have no doubt that we wont argue much again but I dont know how much we will actually stay in touch. I guess the future has all the answers to all the questions regarding that aspect of things. I do want to be there for her but she has so many friends alot closer than I am (at the very least in regards to distance) and she now is in a very serious relationship. Ah well...

So just two months into buying my own place I fell into a depression because of this and even though Im feeling better every day now I still think of doing something about my dreams. No I will not hit on my ex but I am thinking of moving. Not right now or even within the coming year but I am searching for info on what to think of and stuff like that. Of course Birmingham wouldnt be very good or maybe even England as a whole. Even though I love that country. It would be weird and probably inappropriate. I have been thinking of the Netherlands though. I dont know why really but it just popped into my head one day. Im not a drug user and I dont pay for sex so that is not the reason ;) I dont even know how serious this is but it does help me getting through a tough time so I guess that so far its been constructive. I have even been thinking of taking a class in dutch this autumn (an after work kind of thing).

I have also lost almost all interest in philosophy and religion at the moment. The very subject this blog was designed to be about. I dont know if I willr egain the interest (probably) but right now all the speculation on the great mysteries seem so irrelevant when I personally aint on the top of the mountain so to speak.

I have been turning more towards music though. Lately quite alot of Meshuggah ("catch 33" and "nothing") for some reason. I have also been listening to quite abit of my own band. We have just been in the process of recording a new album so I've been listening to the first few mixes quite frequently. I havent been playing any instruments though I just prefer having sound around me. I think it makes me feel more safe and it lets me concentrate on the music instead of all the thoughts that fly through my head.

I have also found my way back to wrestling somewhat. I lost alot of interest last eyar and havent really been keeping up with the product this year either (except PPV's). However I have now been more interested than I have in quite a while. Not so much with WWE but I have two shows from AJPW and NOAH to watch and Chikara has also brought me entertainment. I couple of years ago I wouldnt apreciate Chikara. Sloppy wrestling and alot of comedy but its just what I need at the moment. Sure the wrestling could be better, alot better even but the comedy makes up for it and I do enjoy watching the product.

I have also kept myself much more busy than before so I dont have so much free time to just sit around and think. Today I will go to our vocalists place and hear the final mix over a few beers (I guess - I have prepared for that at least) and tomorrow I will get together with my friends and drink alot and watch the eurovision song contest. Yeah I know, its stupid and bad but its an excuse to see my friends and we always have a nice time when we get together so I look forward to that as well. I might go to IKEA tomorrow as well. Got some stuff I need to buy to make my home a little better. I also need to throw some stuff on the dump and I better start doing that tomorrow or it will take at least one more week before I do it.

Now that was a long post to compensate the last few days of silence. This has been turning more and more into my personal (and public!) diary. Im pretty sure no one ever reads it but its nice to ventilate some of my thoughts and feelings like this.

The bassics of a good joke.

Now I have been through a rough time lately so I thought it would be nice to include a little joke in the blog. Now not everyone will get this bus most bass players will so here ya go:

Bloging under the influence of alcohol

Yeah. so this may not be the mosthn throught through or best spelled post ever. I dont really give a fuckj. Yeah, Im drunk and I had a nice time with my firends for a few hours today. IT was nice to get my mind off of things. However some of that sadness is coming back as soon as Im left alone in my apartment. Soemtimes I think what started as a great thing for me (living alone) has turned to a curse. I know Im alone and that very fact makes me very sad.

I will never know what mnade things go wrong but I know they went terribly wrong compared to what I dreamed about and compared to what I wanted. What is the reason for all this. Im actually thinking of moving far away just to start a completely new life and that way start one part of the dream I have dreamed for quite a long time. Maybe a totally fresh start is just what I need. It wont happen for at least a year I think but maybe its the right thing to do. I have already looked into a few possibilitties. Well see what happens and how much of this I will regret writing when I wake up tomorrow .

On going to sleep and waking up

This has been one of the problems I havent been able to overcome yet. While I still have my good and bad days I always tend to feel like crap when I am supposed to go to sleep but even more so when I wake up every morning. I just feel really bad. This past week I have been waking up before my alarm clock every day (which is set for 06:00 AM) and today (Saturday) I woke up before 08:00 AM even though I went to bed after midnight after a visit in the studio where we record our new album.

I always feel so lonely in the mornings now so I usually sit down and write something. Right now the people of talkbass have been of great help in this. I can write whenever I want and I now have some PM-contacts that does their best to help me out.

Good thing about today is that I am fully booked. Im doing my laundry for 3 or 4 hours starting at 12 and I need to buy some food and buy some beer. Then its dinner att my mums and then a movie night or similar with a few of my friends. Hopefully the beer will make me sleep for a little bit longer on Sunday so I dont wake up early again.

Oh and also it is now one week since I made that phone call to my ex. A call that was supposed to not be about this situation at all but was thought to be me saying "Im sorry" and then go on and see if we could at least stay friends. Now things did turn into an argument instead of things we cant do anything about now (all the misconceptions of the past). I asked her if she thought we could stay friends aand she said "I dont know". When we said goodbuy she did however say "talk to you soon, Im sure". It may just be a polite phrase (if its one thing the english know about its being polite) but I decided that any contact between us should be on her initiative now. If I take up the contact again and shes not ready to speak to me (about whatever) I think the wounds will open up again and maybe wider that before. Now this doesnt mean I dont want to speak to her. I really do and at least talk and agree that we have to put the arguing behind us. Right now things arent good at all where I not only realize I have lost her as a lover and girl friend but also lost her friendship alltogether (thats how it seems at the moment). I tell you its really taking a big toll on me.