Queen of Night

Today I attended a musical called footloose. A friend invited me and I thought it ould be nice. I usually dont do these kind of things so I gave it a shot. On the way home we discussed doing thing we dont usually do. I remembered having attended the opera as a child and when I got home I decided to look up some opera. I havent been able to get into alot of classical music before but I remembered having a VHS-tape of "the magic flute". This was when I was really young and I remember liking it and watching it alot. So in my search I came across this clip. This is Diana Damrau as Queen of Night from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozarts "The Magic Flute". Im quite stunned to be honest. I may not be hugely into this kind of music but this performance really touches me. The aria itself is a masterpiece and Dianas voice is superb. Listen and enjoy:

What preserves the species.

This is a quote from Friedrich Nietzsches "The Gay Science" (Book 1:4) which I recently started to read:

The strongest and most evil spirits have so far done the most to advance humanity: again and again they relumed the passions that were going to sleep- all ordered society puts the passions to sleep- and they reawakened again and again the the sense of comparison, of contradiction, of the pleasure in what is new, daring, untried; they compelled men to pit opinion against opinion, model against model. Usually by force of arms, by toppling boundary markers, by violating pieties- but also by means of new religions and moralities. In every teacher and preacher of what is new we encounter the same "wickedness" that makes conquerors notorious, even if its expression is subtler and it does not immediately set the muscles in motion, and therefore also does not make one that notorious. What is new, however, is always evil, being that which wants to conquer and overthrow the old boundary markers and the old pieties; and only what is old is good. The good men are in all ages those who dig the old thoughts, digging deep and getting them to bear fruit- the farmers of the spirit. But eventually all land is exploited, and the ploughshare of evil must come again and again.

Riot in Everyone!

While at work I decided to listen to Crash Diets debut album. Im not a huge fan of them even if I do enjoy a little bit of sleaze at times. We used to rehearse in the same building as they did and they were nice guys. However I realized that what has shaped me more than anything else when it comes to my outlook on life are crtain kinds of lyrics. Sure, Crash Diet wasnt around when I was younger (they probably grew up around the same time as I did) but this song really represents the kind of lyrics that I always loved. Back then it was alot of Manowar for me. Despite what anyone says I still admire the ideals put forth in their lyrics from time to time (hold true to and fight for your beliefs, stand strong and alone but also recognize the ones that are like you etc). This however is "riot in everyone" by Crash Diet:

They think they can hold us down forever
But no one can beat us out of phase
We live hard, creatin' all the terror
The government is shaded by our craze

We take shit from no one
Breakin' free, never stop
Livin' rabid in the everland

Oooo we're the kids of the underground
There's a riot in everyone
We're the kids of the underground
And we're loud as we tear 'em down
Oooo we're the kids of the underground
There's a feelin' you can't deny
There's a feeling you can't deny
Coz there's a riot in everyone

They say you should live as you are told to
I say you gotta be strong and make up your own mind
Be yourself not a puppet in their freak show
Coz that's the way you'll end up when they beat you blind

Won't take shit from anyone (NO ONE)
Never played by the rules
Coz we're the kids of the underground

Our time, our ways, we're the wasted generation
Our life, we pay, with our nasty reputation
We will always be living free
Always on top of our misery
To live hard is a luxury
And to die of our prophecy

R.I.P. Dave Lepard

Nightmares...

I woke up yesterday morning before my alarm clock had sounded and realized I had a bad dream. Now there is nothing extraordinary aout that, or there shouldnt be at least. However I almost never have bad dreams nowadays, and even less ones that cause me to wake up. Whatever tough times I have been though night is the one time I have never had any problems whatsoever.

Now Im not surprised. Things went pretty godd throughout my two week vacation but from this past weekend and then through monday and tuesday my mind hasnt been in the right place at all. Many thoughts have passed through, most of which I would rather not have at all. Its like if going back to work triggered it for whatever reason.

Just bring me peace of mind....

New poll and some thoughts on friendship.

I'd like to start with a small note. I changed the poll. The was never satisfied with the political one since I honestly never have cared much for politics. I replaced it with a poll on which kind of music you most enjoy. Multiple answers are allowed of course.


Furthermore I have been thinking about something lately. Its basically loneliness but loneliness by choice. I have often considered myself to be a lone wolf. I have always had friends but usually just a few select ones. Right now that number is maybe 5 persons. Then I have some people I used to hang out with that I hope to regain some contact with and thats another 5 people maybe. Then there is the band but I pretty much only play music with them. And then there's friends friends that I can enjoy being around but arent that close to.

Anyways, this is what Im comfortable with. I have however realized something. I have never ever really relied on a friend until 5 years ago. That was when I met my ex girlfriend. yes the one I have a hard time getting over. I think I know why now. That was something that turned into a, for me, extraordinary friendship. I told her everything and we were in contact every day. It became a habit to tell her everything and anything that was on my mind. I never had that with anyone before. Not friends, not teachers in school and not my parents.

One of the hard parts with the break up was that now I had no one to talk to about these thing (no one that wouldnt get bored with listening to it anyway). That has been a huge thing for me. Unfortunately materializing in a negative way. The break up did cause me to get alot closer to two of my friends however which is good.

I never felt suffocated in my relationship but I can now feel it when contact with my friends get more intense. I mean I love them to death but Im just not the person who gives someone a ring and comes over for a cup of tea. I can feel restricted if things become to intense (and to intense to me probably aint nothing compared to what others think). If we go into town just to walk around and look through stores I can find myself being annoyed because things dont move along as fast as I'd like them to. Or maybe we go to a shop I dont have any interest in and I become restless and annoyed. I shut up about it of course, I can work in a team, but its just something I have become increasingly aware of.

Furthermore I start to notice small thing that annoys me about my friends if I spend to much time with them. One of my friends really wants to meet a new girl (he was dumped some months ago). And I hate it when he drinks and totally goes for it. Its so predictable and his attitude is "everyone should have a great time" but in reality he's closed in his own bubble and just care about pleasing himself and the girl or girls in question. If something non-comercial is being played on the stereo he's there changing it and saying "we should have music that suits everyone" not even thinking that the majority of people in the room probably prefer something a little more rock n' roll rather than some comercial pop stuff.

Now I dont want to create any bad feelings. I doubt any of them reads the blog but I have to say that I like em all. This is just something I have been thinking about lately. I guess its just as much a reflection of my short comings as it is of theirs. So no hard feeling if you read this alright? ;)

The Cube

I re-watched The Cube today. A relatively unknown movie, at least in my circles, that has become a favorite of mine. Its the archetype for the kind of movie I like. Deep, philosophical and concentrating on the story and being minimalist with no huge need for special effects. It absolutely has its flaws but in general a really good movie. I have copied a review of it below. Im not sure however if I would recomend a person who hasnt seen the movie to read the review first. I had no idea what kind of movie this was when I first saw it and it took me by storm so remember that you have been warned ;)

Compelling idea - poorly executed
Seven strangers are trapped in a deadly maze and must work together to escape. Each of the seven prisoners has a unique personality, background, and skill set; can they work together to solve the riddle of the cube and escape? I thought this was a very interesting idea for a film and is largely driven by character development among and interaction between the prisoners. In the end though, the characters are so unrealistic and uncompelling that there is little to hold your attention. The maze, or Cube, consists of a series of interconnected rooms. Each room contains six doors, one on each wall, one on the floor, and one on the ceiling. Some of the rooms contain deadly traps that the group must figure out how to avoid. They must also figure out how to exit the maze. The six persons trapped in the maze include a college math student, an autistic man, a policeman, a doctor, a fugitive from prison, and an architect. Initially the story is very compelling: why are they in the maze? who selected these individuals? who built the maze? how do they get out? A tense, claustrophobic atmosphere is created as we learn some initial details about the maze and about the prisoners. As the story develops though, the characters start arguing amongst themselves, ultimately fighting each other. The nature of the arguments is silly, and in the end I couldn't wait for the film to be over. Once they figure out how to escape, the film turns into more of an escape/evasion type of story as some try to leave the other(s) behind. The writers and producer took this film into a pit from which it couldn't recover. Some of the most enthusiastic reviews claim that this film is a microcosm of society or other such nonsense. Balderdash. The most enthusiastic reviews grossly overstate the quality of this film. This is strictly a watch once as a rental type of film, not bad, but could have been much better.

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For people with an attention spanThis is one of the most intelligent films ever made. It is a metaphor for the prison that is the limitations of the human mind/western society.

The key to understanding the film is illustrated in the open scene when we see a lone guy get turned into dog food: they can't survive alone, they have to cooperate with others.

Unfortunately, the people in the Cube though are just like me and you, they are people who have individual skills but have individual flaws and this prevents them seeing the woods for the trees. They are prisoners of the individually and socially constructed limits of imagination, they are prisoners of society and the cube is just a microcosm of this.

I find it astonishing that so few people actually seem to understand this film.
The clues throughout the film are abundant. Each of the characters' names represents a prison:

Leaven + Worth = Fort Leavenworth Prison.
Holloway = Women's Prison.
Kazan = Prison for the mentally handicapped.
Rennes = Prison that innovated many prison norms and regulations used today (Hence Renne's creativity in dealing with traps).
Quentin = San Quentin, a prison known for it's brutality.
Alderson = A prison that focuses on isolation as a form of punishment.

Each of the characters has a skill that will help the group as a whole to escape but conversely each skill is tied to some character defect. Quentin is the leader (cop) who is also a bully when he doesn't get his way, Worth is, effectively, an insider who knows about the making of the Cube - he knows that there is no master plan or conspiracy but that the Cube is just a product of people like him who just do what they are told, accept a pay-cheque and don't want any trouble. Worth is not really that bothered about telling anyone else in the Cube because he is not really concerned as to whether he or anyone else escapes - he is indifferent, 'worthless'.
Holloway cares for the mentally ill but shows no care or tact towards her peers.
Wren is an escape artist but not interested in helping the others escape.
Leaven is a pretty, young and brilliant Maths student but tends towards apathy.
Kazan is a maths genius...perhaps...but has no ability to socialize (he is autistic).
Alderson is a loner whose faith above reason destroys him very early on.

The set of characters in the cube are bound by culturally constructed laws, rules and letters. There are 26(x26x26) rooms which may represent letters in the American-English alphabet. The rooms are all marked by 3-dimensional Cartesian co-ordinates (representing the limits of human spatial imagination). Traps in the rooms conform to a rule with respect to the particular coordinates and the prime numbers applicable to the 3-digit number.
The Cube and the technological traps within thus represents western society as a product of technico-cultural evolution and the individuals inside are trapped by a) the limits of their imagination as represented by the Cube logic, as well as by b) their inability to cooperate.

These two facets are the simultaneous products of historico-cultural evolution of western thought. The Cartesian perspective of "I think, therefore I am" projects a dualist, separatist view of the world - i am different and separate from that around me. This philosophy is, in itself, a product of the legacy of orthodox Christian theology - Christianity is at heart a religion that preaches separation and ego-centrism, e.g. I am special, if I behave i go to heaven, I have an inner-self which is in some sense separate from the material world.
This perspective conflicts with Eastern philosophical doctrines such as Buddhism that emphasize instead the oneness of beings and the (physical and social) world around them. The inability of the individuals to apprehend the Cube's limitations (and thus be able to escape) is a manifestation of their own inability to throw off the shackles of their own personal and inherited socio-cultural history - they are born free but everywhere they are in chains. They are trapped by their own separatist identities, perceived failings, and ego-centrism.
Furthermore, they are victims of being part of a society that rewards such separation. They are stuck in the "Prisoner's Dilemma" (Axelrod, 1984) - the simple premise is that cooperation can provide greater benefit than self-interested behaviour but only if others are willing to cooperate. If other fail to cooperate, it is better to be self-interested rather than a sucker.
This is a frequency-dependent phenomenon meaning that if a majority decide to cooperate, then cooperation will pay and cheaters may even be punished so as to encourage cooperation - tight-knit Eastern societies such as those in Japan and China work along these principles.

So, ultimately the individuals' skills are tied to their failings as this is all part and parcel of the separatist identity they have developed - an aspect of human nature that necessarily develops from infancy to adulthood in conjunction with basic self-consciousness and identity formation but has been prolonged into adulthood by a socio-cultural western tradition routed in Christian and Cartesian separatism and egocentrism.
The prisoners' inability to recognize that they are just elements in a bigger dynamical system which doesn't render them worthless (a perceptual side-effect of egocentric excess) but rather necessary elements of the macro state, the group, accounts for their failure to escape - the irony being that the one escapee is the one that is indifferent to his fate and not bounded by the rules and regulations of the Cube so representative of the western socially constructed world.

Through the overcoming of egocentrism the individuals have the potential to escape their personal prisons that the Cube represents and that is a manifestation of a symbolic, rule-based world in which they have developed - again a Christian legacy that has affected philosophical and scientific perspectives (e.g. information theory, gene-centrism, cognitivism) and governs western thinking to this day.
From this escape they can unravel possibilities that may take them beyond the constraints of current western intellectual imagination and free them from the hell of a world that is bereft of executive instruction (whether from God, aliens, or human dictators) and is instead a socio-culturally evolved accident.
Where such a liberated path might lead noone knows, but any path out of the inferno can't be bad, can it?

Matter = fluctuations in the quantum vacuum

I found this interesting article from New Scientist magazine on matter confirmed as fluctuations in the quantum vacuum:

Matter is built on flaky foundations. Physicists have now confirmed that the apparently substantial stuff is actually no more than fluctuations in the quantum vacuum. Read more...

Quite interesting albeit not surprising for anyone who has followed the development of physics for a while.

On the left hand path.

(Mahakala and the wheel of life)

The subject of what the left hand path really is is a controversial one. There seems to be at least two, maybe three, main theories and based on some of the books I have read on the subject. I will present them here along with references to the books I have used. I will start with the books that deals with the oldest traditions and work my way towards today.

I'd like to start with the most ancient notes on the term left hand path that we probaly have. It is based in what we today would call hinduism and my first point is being made in the book Encountering Kali by Rachel Fell McDermott and Jeffrey J. Kripal. They write that vamachara (left hand path) tantrism is the strife to realize the nature of the world as pervaded by the one shakti (the female force, in this book specifically symbolized by Kali). This is done through rituals of pancatattva with use of the 5 forbidden things in hinduism. This is an antinomian practice that is done to overcome the apparent duality of this world. It affirms radically the way of the phenomenal world.

Next up is the book Aghora - at the Left Hand of God by Robert E. Sveboda. This is the biography of an Aghori and self proclaimed pratitioner of left hand path hinduism. This book explains the left hand path as the perfect symbiosis of right and left. The left hand does however traditionally do the more "inauspicious activities". The left hand path is the faster but more intense and dangerous path towards the goal. And the goal of both the right hand and left hand paths are to realize the universe as atma. This is done, on the left hand path, by the use of traditionally forbidden things in ritual such as corpses, sculls, menstrual blood and the eating of human flesh. The reasoning is that the aghori shouldnt fear anything in samsara because all is atma and we too are atma. To eat ones own feces not as a perversity but as a sign of recognition of the unity that is the all. "Everywhere I see, everything is Me".

Moving along to Buddhism in the book The Tantric Tradition by Agehanda Bharati. The same kind of antinomian nature is described in relation to the practices of buddhistic vamachara tantra. Here however the goal is seen to be the realization of the world as sunya or emptiness and that nothing has a real individual existence at its core.

If we make a huge leap to modern day in Stephen E. Flowers book Lords of the Left Hand Path. This perspective is highly influenced by th deinition of the left hand path as described by Dr. Michael Aquinos Temple of Set. Flowers explains that in his opinion the right hand path is the uniting of the Self with the objective universe, God or nature. The Self is destroyed. The left hand path however would then be the path to free, empower and bring forth a more forceful individual existence of the Self. Often to a level that is seen as divine. Flowers does indeed touch on other perspectives such as the ones described above that the right hand path and the left hand path does lead to the same goal but in general he doesnt deal alot with it and does everything to prove his own point. That to me is one of the major faults in the book because in all my sources that are not not connected to the "satanic scene" it is the traditional view described above (hindu and buddhistic vamachara tantra) that reigns supreme. Im not sure where the idea of the total individuation of the self entered the left hand path in the equation before the modern era. If anyone knows, please contact me.

Furthermore we have the view of the relatively small Swedish magical order Dragon Rouge in Glimpses of the Left Hand Path. Their main symbol, the dragon, symbolizes the union of all opposites. The left hand path is seen as the revival of the contact with nature, with primordial atavistic chaos, that which has been demonized by, among others, the christian religion. The feeling here is that the left hand path is non-dualist and that light and darkness complements eachother (just like it does in taoism or hinduism) while the righ hand path seeks to destroy the darkness and then reign supreme as "the one". This is also explained in Mörk Magi by Tommie Eriksson. It explains how the author sees Chaos and Darkness as the base of our existence and thus the foundation for light. We shoud then embrace all of nature and not just small parts of it and not ty to destroy one part of it which he claims is a trait of right hand path religion.

This is also a philosophy that is described by Jeremy Christner in his Kosmology booklet (not related to Dragon Rouge as far as I know). However this incorporates another element where Chaos is the foundation of all and that light emerges out of necessity but that the Demiurge who appears with the light, and is a creative aspect of light, thinks he is the be all end all of everything that is. The "dark path" would then be to fight the delusional worldview of this demiurge.

Chaos magician Peter J. Carrol writes in his Liber Null & Psychonautthat: "the magician [in the left hand path sense] aims to become a center of creation and destruction himself, a living manifestation of Chaos force within the realm of duality, a complete microcosm, a god" They see Chaos as the ruling force behind the universe and to be as Chaos would then be to act in a left hand path type of way.

Furthermore we have the Temple of the Black Light. This too is a small organisation and they have a view on the left hand path that we cant really find anywhere else. In their world light and darkness is at odds with eachother. This world, the cosmos, is a creation of the light and as such the goal is to ultimately destroy it. This is very different from hinduism and related systems who see the dark force as permeating this cosmos and actually in itself giving rise to this world. The goal is to realize this. The TotBL however has a more dualistic view and seeks to ultimately destroy this world. How they fit this into the use of hindu godess Kali is beyond me as the destruction of the world is but one of her three main qualities. The other two being the one who emanates the universe and then as the one who nurtures it.


This was written as a small overview of the different perspectives that do exist on the term left hand path and how different it can be used by different religions or in some cases different people within the same religion (at least same in regards to the name). This is no claim to any truth even though my personal feeling did shine through a few times. I hope this might create some curiosity with some readers who decide they want to know more.

Bertrand Russells views on the self and the body.

This is an excerpt from Bertrand Russells essay "do we survive death" that can be found in the book "why I am not a christian". The view on the self/soul is one which I would say I have to agree with. I also agree that its highly improbable that we can survive what we know as death. Purely linguistically its of course impossible to survive death because death means that which we do not surivive. However it is so commonly used to mean the same thing as "a life after this" or and "afterlife". It can also mean the survival of the bodys death but then they reason that what we truly are (the soul) doesnt die. This is of course far from my opinions since I am not a dualist. Anyway here's Bertrand Russells thoughts on this:

Before we can profitably discuss whether we shall continue to exist after death, it is well to be clear as to the sense in which a man is the same person as he was yesterday. Philosophers used to think that there were definite substances, the soul and the body, that each lasten on from day to day, that a soul, once created, continued to exist throughout all future time, whereas a body ceased temporarily from death till the resurrection of the body.

The part of this doctrine which concerns the present life is pretty certainly false. The matter of the body is continually changing by processes of nutriment and wastage. Even if it were not, atoms in physics are no longer supposed to have continuous existence; there is no sense in saying: this is the same atom as the one that existed a few minutes ago. The continuity of a human body is a matter of appearance and behavior, not of substance.

The same thing applies to the mind. We think and feel and act, but there is not, in addition to thoughts and feelings and actions, a bare entity, the mind or the soul, which does or suffers these occurrences. The mental continuity of a person is a continuity of habit and memory: there was yesterday one person whose feelings I can remember, and that person I regard as myself of yesterday; but, in fact, myself of yesterday was only certain mental occurrences which are now remembered and are regarded as part of the person who now recollects them. All that constitutes a person is a series of experiences connected by memory and by certain similarities of the sort we call habit.

If, therefore, we are to believe that a person survives death, we must believe that the memories and habits which constitute a person will continue to be exhibited in a new set of occurrences.

No one can prove that this will not happen. But it is easy to see that it is very unlikely. Our memories and habits are bound up with the structure of our brain. in much the same way in which a river is connected with the riverbed. The water in the river is always changing, but it keeps to the same course because previous rains have worn a channel. In like manner, previous events have worn a channel in the brain, and our thoughts flow along this channel. This is the cause of memory and mental habits. But the brain, as a structure, is dissolved at death, and memory therefore may be expected to be also dissolved. This is no more reason to think otherwise than to expect a river to persist in its old course after an earthquake has raised a mountain where a valley used to be.

Congratulations Brock Lesnar!

NEW UFC HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

NEW UFC HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Random thoughts 15 November 2008

The blog has been quiet for some time but now I had the urge to let my feelings be known on a few things.

First off I was speaking to my mother yesterday about the issue of gay marriage. In Sweden we have 4 parties that joined in an alliance to rule the country. These are centrist and right wing parties. The opposition consists of one leftist party (formerly a communist party), one enviromental party as well as the largest single party (the social democrats). Now one party is againt the right for gays to marry. The problem lies with the word "äktenskap" (translation "marriage"). This pary is know as the christ democrats and while they to are way more secularised than they used to be they do have their roots in traditional christian values.

The feeling among these people is that God made man and woman to be with eachother and made marriage an institution between man and woman. Thus they are against gay marriage because they claim marriage as a word is something reflecting a union of man and woman not of man and man or woman and woman.

The other side claims that everyone has the same right to get married and show their love for eachother independent of what sex they are. They say love is love and nothing can stand against that.

Now where do I stand in all this? I think it is a non-issue really. Its just linguistics. Its all about one tiny word. I personally dont see the importance for either side to claim this word as their own. Get over it already!

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I was at a dinner with my colegues at work last weekend and some surprising facts were being brought up. I already knew that one of my co-workers used to be in the same class att school as the woman who played the lead role in the most classic swedish cult porno of all time, Fäbojäntan, but now I have yet another connection. A girl I work with told me how her grandmothers place was the actual place for filming this movie. They apparently had no idea what kind of movie this was and they were just happy to own the houses they used for a movie. s the story goes they invited their parents to the premiere (this was when pornos were being shown on the cinemy in Sweden) - apparently still not knowing what kind of movie it was. Sadly the girl I work with didnt know the reaction they had when they saw the actual movie. Still a great story!

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Tnoight is the big match in UFC with Randy Couture defending his heavyweight title against former pro-wrestler Brock Lesnar. While one has learned to never bet aainst Couture ever I really tink Lesnar has a chance here. However Lesnar is very much an untested fighter and we dont really know how much he has in him. He is a freak of nature. Very strong, very fast and heavy (outweighs Couture by 20 pounds I believe).

Now Couture has the routine and always goes in with great gameplans but he cant do what he's usually good at and thats controling his opponent close to his own body. Lesnar will be to strong for that. At the same time Couture has out-stricken a good striker such as Chuck Lidell (well at least he was on top for a long time and really only had the striking going for him).

I think Lesnar has a fair chance of winning but at the same time I wouldnt bet against Couture. I want Lesnar to win but man betting against Couture isnt very smart most of the time. besides somethime his age must show.

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And once again I was dealing with an ignorant person. It was in a thread where I wrote that I did indeed cry at the end of WrestleMania XX when Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero celebrated together. Best friends and bot world champions on their respective brand. Both their stories has now ended, both in tragic fashion but very different from eachother. Guerrero had a hear attack a few years ago and as a result Benoit broke apart. 1,5 years ago or so Benoit hung himself in his gym after having murdered his wife and son. I dont accepts what he did the last few days of his life but he was one of the greats - all time greats even - who's legacy is forever tarnished which is a damn shame.

In any case this person replied to my post with "So you get emotionally involved in something that has been planned from the start o_O?" My reply was:

Yes, just like people cry at the movies or laugh at a play in a theater. Whats so weird about that?

People usually discredit pro-wrestling for all the wrong reasons since they themselves also enjoy scripted shows but they never think of it that way.

I just hate when peple critize me for thing they themselves have no knowledge of. This person never did respond to my comment so I guess he got the point but Im still angry that I I have to make it all the time. Learn to think bastards!

New poll!

So a new poll is up and running. As with the other poll I have accepted multiple answers from one person seeing as one might not entirely be comfortable under just one label. I could not include every political ideology of course so therefore this selection that I've will have to do. If you're something else entirely just vote for "other".

Where do you stand in the political landscape (multiple answers are allowed)?

Anarchist
Communist
Socialist
Social Democratic
Enviromental (green)
Centrist
Liberal
Conservative
Fascist
National Socialist
Other

Poll results.

This is the final result from the poll. While the response havent been overwhelming Im quite happy to see that the few who read this blog are from very different walks of life.

What are you (multiple answers are allowed)?

Atheist 3 (16%)

Agnostic 3 (16%)

Christian 0 (0%)

Jew 1 (5%)

Muslim 0 (0%)

Hindu 2 (11%)

Buddhist 2 (11%)

Taoist 1 (5%)

Satanist 4 (22%)

Pagan 3 (16%)

Other 6 (33%)

Number of votes: 18

The foundations of Satanism... as I would have it.

In a recent comment to my post on the TotBL someone asked me what my views were on the LHP and Satanism. I did give him/her an answer but it also inspired me to make a post. I dont claim to hold this as a true version. I consider it the one that resonates the most with me and the one I think would be closest to the truth. I am however sick to death of the attitude in satanic circles about "True Satanism" and "Pseudo Satanism". This is how I would have it:

1. Non-duality. One of the things I immediately saw as a core with Satanism was the attitude of non-duality. This is hardly explained as deep as in hinduism or buddism and it doesnt even mean the same exact thing but I found it to be a fundumental principle whenever I thought of satanic concepts. Let me explain.

I regard Satanism as something seperate from Christianity but that grew out from it which is why we use the lingo we use today. Much like Christianity grew out of Judaism but really isnt Judaism anymore. Satan was the concept of what opposed the good, the perfect (i.e. God) to the christians. My conclusion was always that as a Satanist one wouldnt just accept the christian worldview but "choose the other side of the coin" so to speak. The real opposition would be to throw away the coin alltogether. That would be truly Satanic in my world.

This means that from opposition of a christian worldviewwe get something totally different. First of all one main tenets of Christianity is that they divide everything into good or bad. We have concepts such as hell, Satan, sin, chaos and material reality that opposes all that the christian views as being good. To me this means that a Satanist is one who doesnt accept the dividing of the world like this. As I have already been writing about I dont view the soul as seperate from the body. It is all one thing (or several things combining - depending on the language/explenation used - think of the difference between Nietzschean hindu "soulview"). They cant exist apart because they depend on eachother and the words sould, spirit and body are just distinctions of different processed within the whole. They cant exist apart from eachother because they are eachother.

The same way I dont believe there is a material and a spiritual world. It is all the same but we categorize the processed differently. One can say that this related to the eastern concept of the physical world as maya - or illusion. This wouldnt mean that this world doesnt exist at all only that its true "core" may be hidden. It isnt what it seems to be alot of the time. This can be strongly related to modern sub-atomic physics as well.

Furthermore Satanism would be a focus on the world we live here. Alot of religions do prepare for the inevitable death of the self and whatever they think happens after that point. Satanism would then be something quite different in that it doesnt necessarily have to deny that something can happen after this life but that the focus should be on this life because its the only one we can ever know of.

Chaos is another thing that is linked to Satan in the bible (from where we often take our words and concepts). Or more correct Leviathan and Behemoth. The christian worldview has it that chaos and darkness did indeed precede God, order and light but the two are at odds with eahother. I think you know where Im going with this by now. I wouldnt accept this at all. I do reognize both chaos and order but much like spiritual and material the two are entwined and essentially the same. Chaos with its full potentiality manifests itself in order which if we look deep enough isnt something apart or seperate but it is also chaos at its core. This too is strongly related to modern sub-atomic physics. And while things may appear as stable and unchanging everything does indeed change at all times. There is no exception. This is very Heraclitean. and this also leads to another opposition of Christianity and how it described God.

In Christianity God is actual perfection. To be perfect means to not change at all. The perfect is the highest state and to change would mean to depart from that. And something that isnt perfect at all times isnt really perfect at all. Satan and chaos would be concepts of change and dynamics that opposes concepts of an unchanging and static "anything".

On a less metaphysical side of things I would consider Satanism not as immoral but amoral. There would be no static moral laws. Morals do exist and they need to exist if we are to lie together and function well. However no rule can always be true in every situation. Some may be more useful at more times and during longer times but there are always exeptions. This would be very un-Kantian and also un-christian since both recognizes eteral laws and morals.

I may elaborate even more on this in the future but this will do for now. Any comments or questions? Feel free to ask.

Salvador Dali

I was recently out looking for something to put on my walls. They are still pretty empty even though I moved in 9 months ago. I went through two whole stores with alot of pictures and without even knowing the three I really wanted were all Salvador Dali. Im not into art in a way that I know artists and their work well. I have heard of Dali for sure but never really gave much more thought to it. However here are the three paitings I found and liked:

Swans Reflecting Elephants

The Elephants

Metamorphosis of Narcisuss

Paradise Lost

Farewell, happy fields,
Where joy for ever dwells! Hail, horrors! hail,
Infernal world! and thou, profoundest Hell,
Receive thy new possessor—one who brings
A mind not to be changed by place or time.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? Here at least
We shall be free; the Almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence:
Here we may reign secure, and in my choice
to reign is worth ambition though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven.

(Milton, Paradise Lost)

This quote is one of the all time classics. I stumbeled across this again a few days ago but today it really clicked with me. I think its the state of mind I am in as I write this that makes me see how true this statement really is.

Existence

I found this little gem while searching for tests to take online. Im sure this isnt the original source but I found it worth putting on my blog.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

1000 Times Goodbye.

MEGADETH
1000 Times Goodbye

[Dave Mustaine]

The tides of change pulled us apart
I feel a familiar pain
It seems like years since we've loved
Or even liked and that's a lonely way to be

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I will never take you back

- You know what? It's over
I just don't feel the same way as I used to
We've been together forever, but it's over

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

It seems nothing good is free
A good thing cost much more than the price
You were good but not that good
Don't kid yourself now it's time to beak up

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I'll never take you back

- Don't call me anymore. It's just not.
I don't feel the same way about you
Its not as good as it used to be

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

- I'll always love you but just not like that
- Like what?
- I want to be honest with you I met someone else
- You did what?
- And I really, I really love him like I used to love you
Remember the time that I told you that
I was going out of town for business?
Well I went to see him
- You know what? You suck!


Goodbye 1000 times
- You'll always have a special place
In my heart you know that
- It's just I can't be with you anymore it's over
Goodbye 1000 times
- Things may not work out with him
Goodbye 1000 times
- And if they don't
Goodbye 1000 times
- Then I'll certainly call you
Goodbye 1000 times
- You mean a lot to me
I still really want to be friends with you
I love you like you're my brother

*hangs up phone*

On different things...

It seems like the month of September has been almost all about music posts on the blog. For some reason music has been more important to me that it has been in a while (its always a huge part though it just more now for whatever reason). There has been quite alot of Megadeth and their underrated record "the world needs a hero", I've been fighting the loudness was since Metallica released "death magnetic" and other stuff I've been into have been much in the same vein with the old classic thrash bands.

I also finally understood jazz (I think). Ive been drawn to the genre for a long time but its just now that Ive come to really understand it when listening to "The Black Box of Jazz". Perfect introduction for me.

And also this is my faorite time of the year. Autumn is so beatiful with all the colours and the fresh air. I really enjoy it. For me its better than any other season. Its a shame its so short though. But maybe that makes me appreciate it more.

There are still lots of thing going through my head and Im trying to find out the positives and negatives of some of my plans and I havent decided yet or spoken to anyone about it (and of course I wont say anything here until I know more on how I feel about it). However the last part of September has been good to me for the most part. I was down the first few weeks and then I slept two weeks away also causing headaches every day. So weird because I havent had any problems with headaches really since school and "högstadiet". I realized something was wrong so I cut back on the sleeping and feel better now.

And Im going to buy new running shoes. I think mine has done their job and wants to retire. Ive been experiencing a small pain in my right leg after running so I stopped a couple of weeks ago. Its kind of reminicant (sp?) of when I ran in bad shoes (but alot less). So new shoes it is.

Oh and my band started rehearsing new material. It was pretty fun but I prefer having heard the stuff before I try to play it. Ah well, at least were getting somewhere and out new cd will be out soon I think (delayed by at least 6 mnths at this point).

Well thats all for now.

Join the loudness wars!

Lately Metallicas latest album "death magnetic" has made alot of people aware of the loudness wars that is going on in music today. It has gone so far that the dynamics of the music as well as overall sound quality is lost. In the Metallica example their retail version of "death magnetic" really is the worst sounding record I have ever heard. Now I like the songs but I am boycotting the album. I wont ever pay for a shitty product and that is what this is. Heres some information on the loudness wars:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loudness_war
http://turnmeup.org/

Now heres a video that compares the retail version of death magnetic and the guitar hero 3 version. The guitar hero version didnt go through the same mix/master (whatever it was that caused the problem) and thus sounds alot better. Remember this is from youtube so the quality is low because of that. However this will give you an idea of whats wrong but I recoment you to download the album and the guitar hero rip and compare on your home stereo or in your mp3-player. The difference is huge and after a while you will find the retail version hard to listen to.



Heres a petition to make Metallica re-issue the album with proper sound:

http://www.gopetition.co.uk/petitions/re-mix-or-remaster-death-magnetic.html

This is of course not only a problem for Metallica or metal but all music. So please join in and show that youre disapointed and want a change because as long as things happen as they do the record companies will keep doing what they are doing. Lets fight for good and dynamic sound!

I can always turn up my volume, but once the music is on the CD, I can't turn up the quality! Give the consumers quality and let us turn up the volume!

The Temple of the Black Light

Now, TotBL has gotten loads of quasi followers ever since Jon Nödtveidt (of Dissection) was released from jail, reformed Dissection and the took his own life. In some way alo of people seem to think this is "the real deal", "real satanism" etc. Not so weird maybe considering the attitudes among alot of black metal fans in regards to music being "true" or "cult" or whatever.

Now I came into contact with Satanism long before I knew about TotBL (or MLO as they were known as) so naturally I have a different perspective. Alot different even. After seeing another blog link to Jason Kings you tube videos I remembered that I myself stumbled across his stuff a month ago or so. He has a video on TotBL which essentially reflects my views on them as well. I wouldnt have expressed myself quite like him but the critique is essentially the same. He however gives no time to their faulty use of Kali for example. TotBL's version of Kali is really only one third of her original meaning in hindu and tantric tradition and its a pretty laughable conclusion TotBL does in regards to her. And if they wanna reinterpret the old myths to something barely recognizable why not just make up new names for the god you wish to revere? The same thing goes for their interpretation of Set.

In any case here is the Jason King video on TotBL:

Am I unforgiven?

Metallicas new album "death magnetic" was leaked and my interest in this release was pretty high even if my expectations were grounded. I've heard it 3 times and for now I'd say its good enough to buy (I always buy the music I like to support the band and the scene). The Unforgiven III has some really good lyrics and the chorus really connects with me. It's very beautiful and has alot of meaning and it hit me right in the heart when I heard it.

How can I be lost
If I've got nowhere to go
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold
How can I be lost
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive

Guns N' Roses - Patience

This is one of my favorite songs ever and I like to listen to it when I'm not in that happy place I should be in. It brings out alot of sad feeling but it does contain hope as well and it's so good that I automatically feel better hearing it as well. It's a song that brings together two polarities for me and it's just beautiful.

Chaos magic II

I found this post at the Abrahadbra forums. Its good, easy to understand and connects alot with my personal thoughts:

Chaos magicians do not believe in belief. There is no such thing as truth, so it's no use trying to find that one correct belief that corresponds to external reality. The core maxim of chaos magick is Hassan i-Sabbah's last words:

NOTHING IS TRUE; EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED

Yes, chaos magicians can be quite shallow and puerile (like Peter Carroll and others), but the philosophy of chaos magick, as I understand it and as I practice it, is mystic. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it is the foundation of all mysticism and all magick. Do I have your attention? Let me explain -

How is magick different from science or philosophy? Science and philosophy (analytic philosophy at least) seek to give a true account of the universe. They seek a set of propositions, sentences, mathematical equations and pictures that will give Knowledge. All you need to do is read the book and you know What's What.
Mysticism and magick, on the other hand, argue that reality and concepts are two different things. Reality is not a concept, so it can never be told. You can read The Book of The Law (and the commentaries too), but you haven't gained any insight into Truth. Truth must be experienced ('tasted' as the Sufis say), so we have all these practices to get to that state.
So aren't mystics basically just saying "Nothing is true"? That is to say, no sentence is Truth, no concept is reality. The Tao that can be told is not the true Tao.

It follows quite naturally from this that no moral law is true, therefore everything is permitted. (The teaching "Everything is permitted" is identical with the law of Thelema.)

The name 'chaos magick', in one sense, refers to the belief in Chaos as the being underlying everything. If something is Pure Chaos, then nothing can be said of it. If you can talk about it meaningfully, then it has order; it's not really Chaos. Chaos is the ineffable state from which everything emanates. It is therefore synonymous with Tao. (Compare Roman theogony, where Chaos is the father of all other gods.)

Other readings are "No thing is true", which is the Buddhist teaching of emptiness and impermance. Or "Nothing (i.e. The Void) is true", where "nothing" means something like Japanese Zen's "mu" or the Qabalistic zero.

You can, on the other hand, take the phrase "Nothing is True; everything is permitted" shallowly, to mean that there is neither mystic nor factual truth and that you should therefore follow your egotistical desires and drives like the Satanists do. Many chaos magicians do this and chaos magick has therefore gotten the reputation of being a shallow, materialistic system of sorcery. But that is just the shallowness of people with no insight and no interest in The Great Work. Similarly, I could take "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" shallowly and think it gives licence for violence, greed and pettiness, but I'd just be interpreting it wrongly.

Notting Hill

I have just finished re-watching the film Notting Hill. Now people may smile or think Im just daft but I really like these cheesy love story kind of movies. And they have to have a happy ending of course. Not alot of films manage to make me laugh out loud but this one actually does. BUt it also brings forth a couple of joyful tears.

I really wish I could experience something like what they do in the movie and where things end up on a good note. I dont have a desire for it to be with a celebrity though I just want that great girl who in the end just wants to be with me. Now this may sound kind of corny but really who doesnt want that?

I thought I had it before. Walking down the street with my girlfriend just being so damn proud she was with me and not some other guy. Wanting to be with her and no one else and thinking she was in the same place. I want that feeling again but already having lost it once has made it harder for me to hope. Thats when movies like this comes in handy. They make me smile and feel better and they do manage to give me some hope even though they may be cheesy and in alot of cases unrealistic. You know at least I feel good after having seen them.



And Julia Roberts really is wonderful in this film :)

To vote or not vote.

Just a small note before I go to a friend to study some. Yesterday I was thinking about a conversation I had at work with a woman who I think to a large degree summarizes the general Swedish standard outlook on things. Actually I get mad about her opinions alot of times but the thing this time around was about democracy and voting.

I dont know what other countries say but in Sweden alot of people is taught that if one doesnt vote at all (not even a blank vote) one has no right to complain about the political climate. I think that is totally wrong (and this comes from someone who did vote in the previous election).

Why would anyone take away the feelings of unsatisfaction with the current political climate if one doesnt vote. Sure the individual hasnt done anything to change the climate through voting but who took away his or her right to not me satified because of that?

Back when I was in school I remember what caused the most controversy was the amount of people not voting. Ever since I've seen these tendencies outside of just the school world as well. With less votes in general people worry about more extreme parties may thrive or the established parties finally get their head out of their asses and try to be creative to lure people back into voting for them. To just vote blank almost never gives anything. People just nod their heads and say "ok, so no existing party suited them, thats alrigh" and nothing is ever done about it. I think not voting at all is a bigger statement that one really doesnt believe on what the parties have to say.

And to make a extreme comparison no one ever say that the fans didnt have a right to be disapointed with say the Swedish football team in the world cup this summer. Very few outside of the team has probably had anything to do with their training, getting better and working to eliminate their weaknesses. Regardless people were so disapointed and starte to complain. Thing is even if we arent directly involved in a process I think we have the right complain about it if we see that it isnt any good according to our standards. Why shouldnt we?

Unplanned and unscripted.

I usually tend to plan out what I am going to write before I actually log in to publish it on the blog. This time however I havent done so. So if this post seems a little bit random and if different parts of it may not connect with eachother thats why.

I've been in the same place for several months now. Neither is it getting worse nor better. Im still feeling down which is also why I seemingly have no interest in reading up on heavy subjects such as religion and philosophy. What I have been able to read that makes me escape is Terry Funks biography. A good book I started on a year ago or so but never got through. Im almost done with it now and it has helped me to think of other things. While on the subject of wrestling even though I saw NOAH live this year I have not seen a whole lot of their product in 2008. However WWE have really been at it throughout the summer. Im really enoying thir stuff now probably more than I have since I started watching RAW and SD on ar egular basis (mate 2001). Just alot of things happening, new or fresh talent pushed (CM Punk, The Brian Kendrick, Edge and MVP) and old talent pushed just right (Undertaker and Triple H) etc. They are on a roll. Its just to bad William Regal messed up his push. I'd love to see that go somewhere.

I have also been worrying about the future. Of course I still cant let go of the past which really sucks and which makes me not being able to focus on what I want to do now. What I know is that I should look into getting a new job. I've been looking at some stuff in the hotel business. Its a little bit better payed and I think it wont tear as much on the body as my current job does.

I was also out to dinner with a friend a couple of days ago. It was a great storm that day but of course it came when I had already decided to go from the train to the sub-way station where we decided to meet. Sure, I had an umbrella but with the hard and heavy wind and the raining of cats and dogs I was soaked from the waist down when we got there. Not very pleasant. Anyway my friend and I spoke and he thinks I should get my education. I basically have 2 years of religion and one year of philosophy and just some small stuff to get the last remaining points in each course. If I read some more I could probably become a teacher. We will get together tomorrow to study sso we'll see how that works out.

However I also have a strong urge to move, and when I say move I mean far away. Im thinking London would be cool. However Im not sure I want that because of the right reasons. As you all know my ex is from England (not London though) and I was so set on moving there. If I do now Im scared it might still be because of her even though we do not speak to eachother anymore. A part of me want to do it to be free and come to something all new and start over. Another part of me wants to do it so I can be in the same country as my ex if things dont work out for her so I can easily go to her. I know its fucked up.

Last weekend my band played a show in Norway at the small Mölla festival. It was great and Knut (the man in charge) was great as always. It was intense though and I didnt enjoy much after the gig the same night. Its just people doing stuff that other friends also experimented with a few years ago and Im not really into that kind of stuff (I guess you know what I talk about). I hope they grow away from it eventually. My other friends did. However this being the music scene one never knows :-|

And also Im getting ready for my first run in over a week. I was of course busy the last weekend and then I have had a small pain in my leg the following week. Nothing serious I dont think but I dont wanna make it worse. Man I hate when I havent trained for a while and then start doing it again. Its never fun but maybe it can clear my mind somewhat. At least for the moment.

Im trying to think if there was more stuff I wanted to get of my chest but I cant think of anything. So over and out...

Votes for "other" in the poll.

I have seen that 5 people have voted "other" in the poll. Why not make a comment to this post and tell me what you consider is the best religious label for you?

Update!

I made a small update with a link list and the possibility to subscribe to the blog. The links do not necesarrily reflect my own thoughts and opinions but for one reason or another I find them worthy of a read. More links will be added as time goes by.

Edit #1: The Temple of Set website is listed because of the two excellent e-books Michael Aquino hs published there. One is his view on The Church of Satan from 1966 to 1975 and the other deals with The Temple of Set but it is a work in progress (i.e. uncomplete).

Two short texts are linked to, Tao Te Ching and Heraclitus Fragments. Both well worth a read but I may not agree with all they have to say. There is also a article on Sunyata and atman, the relationship between hinu and buddhistsic metaphysics. Interesting stuff.

The 600 Club and Abrahadbra websites have nice forums which I like to visit every now and then. At times there are some threads that are well worth a read.

I linked to Cavalcare La Tigre because the author sometimes touches on some really interesting subjects even though I dont agree with him(?) in general. The Stinas blog I found only yesterday and since I've been playing with the though of moving to London I found her story interesting and worth a read.

The extent of magick's power.

These are two posts from the abrahadabra forums. I love the response given to post numer one.

coma_gnosis:

Chaos magick can do many things, it seems. It can bend "laws" of nature, change what is considered unchangeable, and create things and situations that could be considered impossible by others...

I've encountered many people who claim that magick can only affect the mind, some who say magick can have only slight affects on the world, others who say magick can do some things but not others, and other people who believe magick can do pretty much anything. I am of the last group. I think that magick can do things considered impossible by others.

I believe magick can trigger physical effects instantly, I believe it can changes a physical shape into another, I believe it can break any "law" or "rule" that would limit a magician.

I don't believe these things so that I'll feel more in control of my life or so that I'll feel special. I simply don't see any point to not believing you can do something. After all, if you don't believe something will work, it probably isn't going to. But if you believe it can, there's a chance it can work and you can do things experience life in ways that those who doubt cannot.

Have any of you experienced an "impossible" thing because you believed?

Wolfman:

I've experienced 'impossible' things and I don't think it mattered whether I 'believed' in what was happening or not. I think that's the trick: Humans get so caught up in what they 'believe in' or what they don't - when all along the multiverse is doing exactly what it wants to.

Directionless.

I have been rather unsure of what direction I want to take with my life as of late. Well, more than usual. I wrote on the blog about how I met this girl I had an interest in. I also wrote a post on how happy I was for stepping away from the whole thing in time. And I truly was even if I still enjoyed being friends with her.

However I made things complicated a few days ago and I think looking back at things that we both made some bad moves. In any case it seems like she doesnt want to speak to me anymore which is a shame because I really enjoyed her as a friend. I guess part of that is because of my behaviour of not being able to know what I want.

All of this is of course because of my mental state and Im always looking for things to break the pattern but Im still very much locked inside a bubble I seemingly cant break out of. Like right now for example. It really is to late for me to be up because Im off to work early tomorrow morning but when I went to bed my mind just couldnt relax. I have so much in my head right now and I dont know what to do about it so here I am writing to get my mind to rest. I know that it will work eventually.

They say after rain comes sunshine but its been raining for so long that I have almost forgotten how the sun looks. And everytime I have a good few days or a week I somehow fall back. Its not as bad as it was before but its pretty scary because it seem like its been flattened out. I see no improvement at all. I dont want this to be my "neutral state of mind" so to speak.
Im searching hard to find a way to keep on improving.

Human beings?

We are human beings not human doings.

(Norwegian woman on some tv-show)

Bertrand Russell quotes with comments.

I found more Russel quotes and I thought I'd include them here as well in a updated version of the original post. I will also add commentaries to them and how they apply to my life.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

This is just plainly a good quote and it shows us what the essence in life should be. If you enjoy something it is not wasted or unneccessary. The true meaning of life should be this. Do what you enjoy and enjoy what you do. Happiness is the key.

We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams.

This struck me as very true because today I am so very torn between the two. In many ways I remember and glorify the past but my dreams are still rooted in the past. Everyone who has read this blog for some time know of my situation. I have been miserable losing the girl in my past. I had the dreams of creating a family with her and moving from Sweden to England to be closer to her. It all came crashing down and I have been in a very rough condition for a long time now. However all I can seem to dream about now is that I still want to move. I dont expect to get my ex girlfriend back. That would be stupid considering all things that has went own. However I still want to live in England and for some reason I feel ready to give up my apaprtment (which is very nice) and maybe take a even lower job on the scale of pay and reputation. My mind was so ready for everything that a move would include that when the original reason for the move "went away" my mind was still not attached to the life I live here and now. Its still way off in some foreign country creating a new life for itself over there. Thus my memory and my dream is so much interconnected and in a bad way that I dont feel rooten in where I am today.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.

And of course this is the continuation of what I wrote before. I want to change the past more thn anything. I used to say that I didnt regret anything because it all made me what I am today. Well thats not how I feel anymore. Maybe I will feel like what Im going through now was necessary if I will be happy in the future but right now there are things in my past I would have liked undone. I wish I could go back 4 years in time or so and know all I know now and reverse a few descicions I made back then. Because I know I cant change the past Im worrying about the future. Im actually pretty scared that if I do something now and take a chance things will get even worse than the are now (mentally that is). Of course they could turn out to get better as well and the one who doesnt try will never know but the fear of things getting worse is unfortunately overwhelming.

Proof of an intellectual creator god!

Yes, the subject line if misleading. I came across a post on the Flashback forums claiming to have proof that science and religion talks about the same thing and tat science actually agrees with religion that there is a singular, intellectual creator god. As of right now I wont comment on it more than that I will say that the posters reasoning is highly stupid and simplified. If anyone is interested in the relation of science and religion I recomend Fritiof Capras "the tao of physics". He doesnt claim science justifies religion but that they try to describe the same thing. He never claims science accepts the thought of some kind of intelligence that created the universe but point to th similarities between mythics way to describe reality and what we with modern physics have arrived at in terms of knowledge.

Now this is the post from the Flashback forum. Once again this is a way to show the stupidity of some people that actually believes this stupidity. The post is in Swedish and I havent translated it yet. I might do so in the future. We'll see. Anyway here it is, originally posted by the the user srednabr at this location:

Bevis för existensen av en superintellektuell Skapare.

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Forskare är överens om att materia slutligen består består av en kombination av rena krafter (kvarkar) som har sitt ursprung i en Ursprunglig Kraft, en Singularitet. Omvänt hävdat; den Singulariteten är ansvarig för allting fysiskt i universum, all materia och alla lagar som styr materia. Inte heller kan någon intelligent person fly slutsatsen att universum manifesterar, vid varje vridning/vändning [engelska "at every turn"], intelligent design; av en intelligens som långt övergår vår egen. Således så möter vi oundvikligen en superintelligent Singularitet. De mest eminenta vetenskapsmän, inklusive fysiker, tillstår det.

Det är inte logiskt försvarbart att hävda ”det är omöjligt för någon att helt och hållet bevisa att det finns eller inte finns en Skapare.” Som bäst kan du endast hävda att du inte känner till ett sådant bevis. Det existerar faktiskt ett sådant bevis.

Här kommer följande bevis att det finns en Singularitet-Skapare, det väkl kända reductio ad absurdum-beviset (engelska: proof by disproof; bevis genom motbevis).

-Antagande: Det finns ingen Singularitet (Skapare).

-Således: Det finns ingen materia eller fysiskt universum som fogar sig efter de kända fysiska lagarna.

-Fakta: Det finns materia och ett fysiskt universum som fogar sig efter de kända fysiska lagarna. (Motsättningen bevisar antitesen till antagandet; t.ex. bevis genom motbevis).

-Således: Det finns en Singularitet (Skapare)!

(källa: www.netzarim.co.il)

mvh Anders Branderud
Efterföljare till Ribi Yehoshua – Messias – i ortodox judendom.

On being happy even though things dont go as planned.

The last few days has been a rollercoaster in more ways than one but something good happened. I decided on something and it turned out to be the right thing all along. I've been talking about meeting someone but after we discussed something I wasnt sure. Lets just say there were personality traits that she had that I had a problem with. She was open with it to me and Im thankful for that.

A day after we had our talk she was listed as "in a relationship" with someone else on facebook. Im so glad I detached myself from that. One of her traits was to live double lives and being impulsive and such. This proves that she had something going on at the same time as she was coming on to me. I never let myself get caught up to much in this mostly because of my history but then also because it would probably be a bad fit if we ever got together.

I know she reads the blog from time to time so I wanna say thank you because you did make me happier for a little while (even though I'll never know your real intentions) and Im happy that I made the right judgment about you. So even though Im looking for someone you clearly werent the one and Im glad I got out before you would hurt me. I gotta say I had my doubts about my descicion (as you know) but Im glad it happened. And the good thing is that I've gained a new friend. All is good :)

Now I'll deal with everything else again.

Good riddance!

Vacation

Yeah it's vacation time. I actually have nothing planned - not single thing. There has been some loose talk about a couple of things but right now it's all up to other people to decide what they wanna do. I'm free and I have said I'm up for it.

If nothing happens then I'm in for a pretty boring vacation. I only took 2 weeks in hope to find something more fun to do later on in the year. I've been thinking of going to some other country and catch a few concerts or something and I have loads of days to take to make that happen. A trip down to gothenburg has been talked about as well as a cruise so we'll see what happens.

Right now, Im writing here because Im bored though. I have some stuff to do but its all boring cleaning jobs so Im reluctant about doing it. It always feels good after Ive done it though so maybe I should start :/

Otherwise Ive been watching loads of movies the last few days. I'll give you some short reviews:

300 - This is the ultimate Manowar movie. Pumped up muscular men beating all odds. Lots of game blood (as in x-box or whatever - it disappears in this air) and lots of fighting. Overall I like the "cartoon style" but the movie itself wasnt very good.

American girl - about a white trash family with their father in prison and what happens on the annual picnick day. Not very good or convincing - at least not to me.

Definitely maybe - This one I liked. A man tells his daughter about his history with the girls he dated. Simplle comedy/romance/drama stuff. Probably what one would call a chick flick but I dig that kind of movie.

Hulk - the 2003 version I believe. Lots better than I remembered it as (I didnt even see it all the way through the first time around). Still nothing compared to the good superhero movies (Batman Begins, X-men etc) but alright.

13 - only saw the first 15 minutes or so. Crap to me.

Hitman - pretty much crap. I hate when movies even defy their own logic. Who walk around with swords on their backs anyway when they can just shoot the target with the guns they already hold in their hands? Ah well...


Oh and also I've just discovered how good the recent stuff Samael has released really are. Great industrial metal highly recomended to anyone that likes that style. I will buy a bunch of their albums for sure.

R.I.P George Carlin

George Carlin - Religion is bullshit:



George Carlin - Defrags the 10 Comandments:




There should be just one commandment - "Be excellent to eachother". Something I know Rufus, ehum, George did agree with me on.

How to be an online metal head!

I found this on the Ultimate Metal Forum. Not sure if non-metalheads find it funny but I do. Unfortunately it's true in alot of cases:

1. Every band you don't like sucks. You know the critically acclaimed band that revitalized the genre that you personally never got into? They suck. There's no room for debate; they just utterly blow ass. Make sure you're always ready and willing to point this out on various Internet forums/message boards/communities to fans of the band. In fact, you should take advantage of every opportunity and jump at any mention of the band, no matter how minuscule. Listen, it isn't enough to call an oft-praised band "overrated"; you must bring to light their extreme suckiness. No excuses.

2. Word play is a metalhead's best friend. Since you'll be frequently conversing in various online metal communities, it's important that you utilize the target band's name. A statement like "Band X sucks" is a good start, but if you want to improve your metalhead credibility, you're going to have to get more sophisticated than that. Never pass up the chance to twist and bend a band's name to include some negative word play. Some of the more effectual terms you can inject into a band name include, but are not limited to, "gay," "fag," "sucks," "shit," and my personal favorite, "turd." For examples, consider the following: "Trivicum" (Trivium), "Craptallica" (Metallica), "Blowpeth" (Opeth), "Lamb of Gay" (Lamb of God), "Iron Gayden" (Iron Maiden), "Mastodong" (Mastodon), "Panterrible" (Pantera), etc.

3. Make use of negative labels. Generalizing an entire group or thought process works in politics, so why not music? There's really no limit to what you can stick a label on. Bands, the members of a band, the band's fans – hell, even entire genres are up for a good ridicule by way of labeling. The best part about labels is that they don't even have to hold any significant meaning; they just need to sound unfavorable. "Mallcore," for example, doesn't need to carry a negative denotation, as long as it connotes a feeling of shitty music. Your use of "-core" doesn't end at "mall," so don't let an opportunity to use such gems as "fagcore," "shitcore," and "douchecore" slip by.

4. Adjust to tunnel vision. You may from time to time be tempted to listen to a band you once derided despite never having heard a single song of theirs. Resist the temptation! If you keep yourself in the dark and refuse to listen to any of the band's songs, you can still argue for their suckiness, and you won't be a hypocrite in the eyes of your fellow metalhead. This goes double for any of those fagcore genres; every single band that even so much as resembles that style of metal is shit. There's no two ways about it. If you can't resist the temptation, then make sure you never let anyone know you listen to the band in question, and fervently deny every accusation of hypocrisy.

5. The Internet is no place to be insightful. Make your point, and make it quickly. Rarely will you need more than a single sentence to describe how purely awesome a band is or how ridiculously awful another is. Don't get bogged down trying to think of something clever; leave the intelligent prose to the professional critics who, by the way, are always wrong. Keep your caps lock on, and don't be afraid to use an excessive amount of exclamation points.

6. Points are awarded for obscurity and deducted for popularity. So one of your favorite bands who you've listened to for years has just sold 100,000 copies of its most acclaimed album. This may go without saying, but it's time to drop those fucking sell outs like the greed-mongering posers they really are. Any CDs, posters, t-shirts, and magazines featuring said band must be burned immediately. Delete any trace of the band from your computer. Deny ever having listened to them. Once all this is complete, you can successfully rebound by finding the most obscure metal bands you can. Don't worry about quality – whether they're any good or show any potential isn't important; what's important is that you find that one band that no one has ever heard of. A good find will vary, but extra points go to the enthusiast who finds a band that only produced one song before breaking up indefinitely: a self-released demo only available on their now-defunct website.


That concludes my suggestions for being a metalhead online. Have fun, and remember, Internet anonymity is what keeps metal alive.