Directionless.

I have been rather unsure of what direction I want to take with my life as of late. Well, more than usual. I wrote on the blog about how I met this girl I had an interest in. I also wrote a post on how happy I was for stepping away from the whole thing in time. And I truly was even if I still enjoyed being friends with her.

However I made things complicated a few days ago and I think looking back at things that we both made some bad moves. In any case it seems like she doesnt want to speak to me anymore which is a shame because I really enjoyed her as a friend. I guess part of that is because of my behaviour of not being able to know what I want.

All of this is of course because of my mental state and Im always looking for things to break the pattern but Im still very much locked inside a bubble I seemingly cant break out of. Like right now for example. It really is to late for me to be up because Im off to work early tomorrow morning but when I went to bed my mind just couldnt relax. I have so much in my head right now and I dont know what to do about it so here I am writing to get my mind to rest. I know that it will work eventually.

They say after rain comes sunshine but its been raining for so long that I have almost forgotten how the sun looks. And everytime I have a good few days or a week I somehow fall back. Its not as bad as it was before but its pretty scary because it seem like its been flattened out. I see no improvement at all. I dont want this to be my "neutral state of mind" so to speak.
Im searching hard to find a way to keep on improving.