Im on blogger vacation....

Well, I havent been very active on this blog for quite some time now. There's several reasons for this. Work has been tougher with the restructuring we go through at the moment. I also try to decide on what to do and how to plan my vacation as well as trying to decide on my future. I will probably go to London this summer and basically get the feel of the city and see if I can get some input and/or insight into what might be the best action for me in regards to jobs and places to live. I will combine that with visiting a few friends of course. And will I sell the place I live in now or rent it out to someone etc? Theres just alot going through my mind and I havent felt inspired to write alot on here.

On top of all this Im trying to complete my studies in the science of religion which I hope I can manage before the summer starts for real.

Busy, busy, busy.....

This and that.

You might wonder why I write all these posts all of a sudden. Well, this is my third day being sick. I feel like I have a fever but the thermometer says otherwise. These days I only get this sick about once a year so I hope this is it and that I keep fresh the rest of 2009.

It has dawned on me how boring it is to be home with nothing to do. I did manage to read some a couple of days ago but in general I avent been able to. What I have done is watching loads of football (the kind of football where the participants actually use their feet to kick the ball). I went to a game some days ago with friends and I got into it. I never really cared alot even though I do have a favorite team and all. However the game I went to combined with me having loads of time being home and sick made me watch it more. Been watching about 5 matches. 4 champions league and 1 från the swedish league and Im getting into it. I will attend a game on Monday as well. I hope Im well enough to enjoy it by then.

I answered an add that a band had put on the internet about possibly becoming a bass player for them. When they found out I played in another band they said that they wanted someone who would focus whole heartedly on their band. Ah come on... Just because I play in two bands doesnt mean time has to be taken from either of them. Sounds kind of like when James Hetfield didnt want Jason Newstedt to do anything outside of Metallica. I guess thats their loss...

I got myself google analytics to gain stats from this page. So far it seem like my left hand path posts gather most internet traffic. And here I am writing diary like posts. We'll see if I can manage to throw something new together on the LHP topic soon.

I had a dream.

I havent been here for a long time now - well long in the internet time frame at least. I fell asleep on the couch yesterday afternoon after a run and decided to go straight to bed when I woke up around 09:00 PM. So I woke up around midnight and felt awake but realized I had to go back to sleep. I then decided to get out of bed at 04.00 AM when I woke up the next time. At that point in time I had a a strange dream.

I dreamt that I was back in my parents house and that I was still back in regular school. My mother tried to help me with mathematical problem but started shouting when I didnt understand what she said and claimed it was my fault. My father sided with me but as the dream progressed he also turned on me and claimed I would loose my own place because I didnt have the ability to sort my bills. Or maybe he said I didnt have them sorted and that I would loose all I had.

Now I have no problem with either of my parents but I think it symbolized my fears at this moment in time. I picked up school again to try to finish my candidate exam. Im doing alright and Im probably doing better than I think I am. The goal is however to keep on studying abroad. When I was last in school they offered us to apply for a school in manchester I believe it was. If that is still something I can do I would love it. So my dream might connect these two, one being worry about school and the other worry about leaving my home. A home which I did spend the past 1.5 years to look good. And I like it so its not that I just need to get away. At least Im counting on getting my money back and then some when I sell it. Or maybe I will rent it out. That would work out nicely if I could trust the person getting it. And maybe there is a third aspect to it being to move away from my family. I live very close to all of them and get along with them just fine. Im sure there wouldnt be a big problem or anthing if I did move (for me or for them) but its one of those stupid things I worry about beforehand.

Yes, life aint easy right now. Well it hasnt been for a long time but now its put up or shut up time for me which might be why I havent given the blog so much thought.

To be right and to move on.

Today I woke up early to make something for lunch later on in the day. Alot transpired yesterday and I feel empty yet quite satisfied. Its weird really how things happen. Someone let me down but I did kind of expect it so it didnt hit that hard. Its a shame though, I dont think she can help herself and in the end she ends up hurting people and then herself (even though she might not see that herself). I cant help to think how much better her life would be if she could be honest because when hanging out she is really nice and easy to talk to. Ah well, I cant do anything about it and my best guess is that she wont reply to my tries to contact her. So I guess this is good riddance and good bye. Im one experience richer and Im happy that me being careful and not get into things to much paid off. It kind of reassured that I wasnt off base. See you in hell miss ;)

Furthermore I have a good idea on my next philosophical post for the blog which will probably be about change. As usual the post will probably be influenced alot by eastern thought as well as western esotericism or left hand path pilosophy in one way or another.

I dont know when or if I have the time though. I decided to pick up my studies a few weeks back and registered. When I spoke to my teacher he immediately asked if I was interested in going for a phd. It gave me lots of ideas. Last time I was studying we got a few alternatives for further studies. One was in England (I believe it was in Manchester) and if they have something similar this time around and if things work out I will probably do something with it. And I know a couple of people in England who I have never met so it would be a good opportunity to start a relation t them in a non-online manner.

I would actually love to get paid to study and then getting away and try smething new is something I really need and I think the experience would be a good one for sure. Besides it would mean that I leave my current job which is close to my home, pay me alright and gives alot of security but is no future really.

I was also getting into alot of the norwegian black metal scene again the last week or so. It contains some really good suff and is actually very diverse and even if the scene often seems close minded its usually only the fans perspective. The bands are often quite experimental and they differ alot individually from eachother. My latest purchases have included Immortals "at the heart of winter", Mayhems "grand decleration of war", Gorgoroths "ad majorem sathanas gloriam" as well as Burzums "hvis lyset tar oss". Quite a far way from my last purchases that included Verdis "aida" and Miles Davis "bitches brew". Hey, diversity in music is a strength... :)

How to cook an egg with a penn!

I have been very bad at updating this blog. I have some ideas for future posts in the "wisdom" category but I dont feel like going to deep into that just now since my ideas for posts arent that positive. And right now I am kind of positive so Im not in the right state of mind to bury myself in deep negative stuff.

After some weirdness and misunderstandings (and me being abit plump) in the planning stages a friend of mine came over for the weekend. This was the first time we met - yeah, Im a computer child I make my friends online ;) - and things turned out very good. Whatever differences we had had online they were all blown away in real life.

I had a very good time actually and will keep alot of good memories of this weekend. It was definately a good thing for me to do and Im glad it worked out.

See you again soon miss G?

16 random things about me.

This is something I wrote for facebook. A friend wrote me 16 random things about her and the rules was to write her back with 16 random things about me as well as send it on to 16 other people. Given my nature I gave this alot of thought instead of just sitting down and writing 16 things off the top of my head. I think it turned out in a way that can be compared to a tattoo only less permamnent. Its a print of where I am just now and what is going through my head. Its pretty short and has no real structure but I thought it would be a good idea to re-publish these on my blog to keep it alive. So here we go:

1. I am often so caught up in my own "thing" that I cant understand how others cant even understand me - even if I dont demand that they have to agree with me.

2. Because of the above Im much of a lone wolf, for good and bad, and very few people really know me (if anyone these days).

3. I almost never read fiction. I tend to be bored with it and not think it has any significant value. I prefer books on philosophy and whatever connects to that.

4. I am an elitist but I cant live up to my ideals because they are too high and Im to lazy.

5. I think ignorance can be a blessing because that often means that youre happy. Knowledge on the other hand tends to be a heavier load and more often leads to unhapiness. Of course I always seek knowledge and tend to not be as carefree and do not take things in a very easy and relaxed manner.

6. I still love pro-wrestling. Its easy and it speaks to the most basic human instincts and it works as an escape from reality for me. Or as a return to an easier reality.

7. If I had to choose I would rather be mute than deaf or blind.

8. I wish I could start all over again and embrace the things I may not have dared to embrace in the past.

9. I strongly dislike people who claim that they listen to any kind of music. It usually means that they listen to anything that the radio burps out for them to consume. If asked if they like death metal, jazz fusion or opera they either dont know the genre or say they dont like it.

10. I on the other hand have a diverse taste in music but would never say "I like everything" or alike because I dont want to be categorized with those people I described above. The stuff thats been playing the most for me recently has been Rome (neofolk), Giuseppe Verdi (opera), Anthrax (thrash metal), Wardruna (folk), Weather Report (jazz fusion) and Black Sabbath (heavy metal/hard rock).

11. I cant really go out to bars/clubs because if I do after a while the music sounds distorted in my ears and I can never really hear what others are saying even if they are standing right next to me. I think its combination of loud music and so much other sounds. I think my ears have a hard time concentrating when there is to much and to loud sounds.

12. I dwell on things for way to long even if there is no reason for it. I really wish I could move on easier but I cant and I have to accept that.

13. I have a few dreams I'd like to come true but I am at the same time afraid to loose my comfort. The ironic thing is that much of what I want to get away from is the comfort and predictability of my life.

14. My main philosophical foundations for metaphysics tend to lie with Heraclitus work "fragments" and it is added to by concepts from eastern metaphysics (mahakali in vamachara tantra, sunyata in buddhism, tao in taoism), nietzsches worldview and ancient myths of now dead religions (ginnungagap in ancient norse tradition for example).

15. Despite me drawing influence from theistic religions and systems I myself am an atheist who like to describe the world in a theistic language to personalize it. Nietzsche also did it with Apollo and Dionysus.

16. I am to serious to often. Hey, take a look at the points above and tell me otherwise ;)

Nightmares...

I woke up yesterday morning before my alarm clock had sounded and realized I had a bad dream. Now there is nothing extraordinary aout that, or there shouldnt be at least. However I almost never have bad dreams nowadays, and even less ones that cause me to wake up. Whatever tough times I have been though night is the one time I have never had any problems whatsoever.

Now Im not surprised. Things went pretty godd throughout my two week vacation but from this past weekend and then through monday and tuesday my mind hasnt been in the right place at all. Many thoughts have passed through, most of which I would rather not have at all. Its like if going back to work triggered it for whatever reason.

Just bring me peace of mind....

New poll and some thoughts on friendship.

I'd like to start with a small note. I changed the poll. The was never satisfied with the political one since I honestly never have cared much for politics. I replaced it with a poll on which kind of music you most enjoy. Multiple answers are allowed of course.


Furthermore I have been thinking about something lately. Its basically loneliness but loneliness by choice. I have often considered myself to be a lone wolf. I have always had friends but usually just a few select ones. Right now that number is maybe 5 persons. Then I have some people I used to hang out with that I hope to regain some contact with and thats another 5 people maybe. Then there is the band but I pretty much only play music with them. And then there's friends friends that I can enjoy being around but arent that close to.

Anyways, this is what Im comfortable with. I have however realized something. I have never ever really relied on a friend until 5 years ago. That was when I met my ex girlfriend. yes the one I have a hard time getting over. I think I know why now. That was something that turned into a, for me, extraordinary friendship. I told her everything and we were in contact every day. It became a habit to tell her everything and anything that was on my mind. I never had that with anyone before. Not friends, not teachers in school and not my parents.

One of the hard parts with the break up was that now I had no one to talk to about these thing (no one that wouldnt get bored with listening to it anyway). That has been a huge thing for me. Unfortunately materializing in a negative way. The break up did cause me to get alot closer to two of my friends however which is good.

I never felt suffocated in my relationship but I can now feel it when contact with my friends get more intense. I mean I love them to death but Im just not the person who gives someone a ring and comes over for a cup of tea. I can feel restricted if things become to intense (and to intense to me probably aint nothing compared to what others think). If we go into town just to walk around and look through stores I can find myself being annoyed because things dont move along as fast as I'd like them to. Or maybe we go to a shop I dont have any interest in and I become restless and annoyed. I shut up about it of course, I can work in a team, but its just something I have become increasingly aware of.

Furthermore I start to notice small thing that annoys me about my friends if I spend to much time with them. One of my friends really wants to meet a new girl (he was dumped some months ago). And I hate it when he drinks and totally goes for it. Its so predictable and his attitude is "everyone should have a great time" but in reality he's closed in his own bubble and just care about pleasing himself and the girl or girls in question. If something non-comercial is being played on the stereo he's there changing it and saying "we should have music that suits everyone" not even thinking that the majority of people in the room probably prefer something a little more rock n' roll rather than some comercial pop stuff.

Now I dont want to create any bad feelings. I doubt any of them reads the blog but I have to say that I like em all. This is just something I have been thinking about lately. I guess its just as much a reflection of my short comings as it is of theirs. So no hard feeling if you read this alright? ;)

Notting Hill

I have just finished re-watching the film Notting Hill. Now people may smile or think Im just daft but I really like these cheesy love story kind of movies. And they have to have a happy ending of course. Not alot of films manage to make me laugh out loud but this one actually does. BUt it also brings forth a couple of joyful tears.

I really wish I could experience something like what they do in the movie and where things end up on a good note. I dont have a desire for it to be with a celebrity though I just want that great girl who in the end just wants to be with me. Now this may sound kind of corny but really who doesnt want that?

I thought I had it before. Walking down the street with my girlfriend just being so damn proud she was with me and not some other guy. Wanting to be with her and no one else and thinking she was in the same place. I want that feeling again but already having lost it once has made it harder for me to hope. Thats when movies like this comes in handy. They make me smile and feel better and they do manage to give me some hope even though they may be cheesy and in alot of cases unrealistic. You know at least I feel good after having seen them.



And Julia Roberts really is wonderful in this film :)

Unplanned and unscripted.

I usually tend to plan out what I am going to write before I actually log in to publish it on the blog. This time however I havent done so. So if this post seems a little bit random and if different parts of it may not connect with eachother thats why.

I've been in the same place for several months now. Neither is it getting worse nor better. Im still feeling down which is also why I seemingly have no interest in reading up on heavy subjects such as religion and philosophy. What I have been able to read that makes me escape is Terry Funks biography. A good book I started on a year ago or so but never got through. Im almost done with it now and it has helped me to think of other things. While on the subject of wrestling even though I saw NOAH live this year I have not seen a whole lot of their product in 2008. However WWE have really been at it throughout the summer. Im really enoying thir stuff now probably more than I have since I started watching RAW and SD on ar egular basis (mate 2001). Just alot of things happening, new or fresh talent pushed (CM Punk, The Brian Kendrick, Edge and MVP) and old talent pushed just right (Undertaker and Triple H) etc. They are on a roll. Its just to bad William Regal messed up his push. I'd love to see that go somewhere.

I have also been worrying about the future. Of course I still cant let go of the past which really sucks and which makes me not being able to focus on what I want to do now. What I know is that I should look into getting a new job. I've been looking at some stuff in the hotel business. Its a little bit better payed and I think it wont tear as much on the body as my current job does.

I was also out to dinner with a friend a couple of days ago. It was a great storm that day but of course it came when I had already decided to go from the train to the sub-way station where we decided to meet. Sure, I had an umbrella but with the hard and heavy wind and the raining of cats and dogs I was soaked from the waist down when we got there. Not very pleasant. Anyway my friend and I spoke and he thinks I should get my education. I basically have 2 years of religion and one year of philosophy and just some small stuff to get the last remaining points in each course. If I read some more I could probably become a teacher. We will get together tomorrow to study sso we'll see how that works out.

However I also have a strong urge to move, and when I say move I mean far away. Im thinking London would be cool. However Im not sure I want that because of the right reasons. As you all know my ex is from England (not London though) and I was so set on moving there. If I do now Im scared it might still be because of her even though we do not speak to eachother anymore. A part of me want to do it to be free and come to something all new and start over. Another part of me wants to do it so I can be in the same country as my ex if things dont work out for her so I can easily go to her. I know its fucked up.

Last weekend my band played a show in Norway at the small Mölla festival. It was great and Knut (the man in charge) was great as always. It was intense though and I didnt enjoy much after the gig the same night. Its just people doing stuff that other friends also experimented with a few years ago and Im not really into that kind of stuff (I guess you know what I talk about). I hope they grow away from it eventually. My other friends did. However this being the music scene one never knows :-|

And also Im getting ready for my first run in over a week. I was of course busy the last weekend and then I have had a small pain in my leg the following week. Nothing serious I dont think but I dont wanna make it worse. Man I hate when I havent trained for a while and then start doing it again. Its never fun but maybe it can clear my mind somewhat. At least for the moment.

Im trying to think if there was more stuff I wanted to get of my chest but I cant think of anything. So over and out...

Directionless.

I have been rather unsure of what direction I want to take with my life as of late. Well, more than usual. I wrote on the blog about how I met this girl I had an interest in. I also wrote a post on how happy I was for stepping away from the whole thing in time. And I truly was even if I still enjoyed being friends with her.

However I made things complicated a few days ago and I think looking back at things that we both made some bad moves. In any case it seems like she doesnt want to speak to me anymore which is a shame because I really enjoyed her as a friend. I guess part of that is because of my behaviour of not being able to know what I want.

All of this is of course because of my mental state and Im always looking for things to break the pattern but Im still very much locked inside a bubble I seemingly cant break out of. Like right now for example. It really is to late for me to be up because Im off to work early tomorrow morning but when I went to bed my mind just couldnt relax. I have so much in my head right now and I dont know what to do about it so here I am writing to get my mind to rest. I know that it will work eventually.

They say after rain comes sunshine but its been raining for so long that I have almost forgotten how the sun looks. And everytime I have a good few days or a week I somehow fall back. Its not as bad as it was before but its pretty scary because it seem like its been flattened out. I see no improvement at all. I dont want this to be my "neutral state of mind" so to speak.
Im searching hard to find a way to keep on improving.

Bertrand Russell quotes with comments.

I found more Russel quotes and I thought I'd include them here as well in a updated version of the original post. I will also add commentaries to them and how they apply to my life.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

This is just plainly a good quote and it shows us what the essence in life should be. If you enjoy something it is not wasted or unneccessary. The true meaning of life should be this. Do what you enjoy and enjoy what you do. Happiness is the key.

We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams.

This struck me as very true because today I am so very torn between the two. In many ways I remember and glorify the past but my dreams are still rooted in the past. Everyone who has read this blog for some time know of my situation. I have been miserable losing the girl in my past. I had the dreams of creating a family with her and moving from Sweden to England to be closer to her. It all came crashing down and I have been in a very rough condition for a long time now. However all I can seem to dream about now is that I still want to move. I dont expect to get my ex girlfriend back. That would be stupid considering all things that has went own. However I still want to live in England and for some reason I feel ready to give up my apaprtment (which is very nice) and maybe take a even lower job on the scale of pay and reputation. My mind was so ready for everything that a move would include that when the original reason for the move "went away" my mind was still not attached to the life I live here and now. Its still way off in some foreign country creating a new life for itself over there. Thus my memory and my dream is so much interconnected and in a bad way that I dont feel rooten in where I am today.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.

And of course this is the continuation of what I wrote before. I want to change the past more thn anything. I used to say that I didnt regret anything because it all made me what I am today. Well thats not how I feel anymore. Maybe I will feel like what Im going through now was necessary if I will be happy in the future but right now there are things in my past I would have liked undone. I wish I could go back 4 years in time or so and know all I know now and reverse a few descicions I made back then. Because I know I cant change the past Im worrying about the future. Im actually pretty scared that if I do something now and take a chance things will get even worse than the are now (mentally that is). Of course they could turn out to get better as well and the one who doesnt try will never know but the fear of things getting worse is unfortunately overwhelming.

On being happy even though things dont go as planned.

The last few days has been a rollercoaster in more ways than one but something good happened. I decided on something and it turned out to be the right thing all along. I've been talking about meeting someone but after we discussed something I wasnt sure. Lets just say there were personality traits that she had that I had a problem with. She was open with it to me and Im thankful for that.

A day after we had our talk she was listed as "in a relationship" with someone else on facebook. Im so glad I detached myself from that. One of her traits was to live double lives and being impulsive and such. This proves that she had something going on at the same time as she was coming on to me. I never let myself get caught up to much in this mostly because of my history but then also because it would probably be a bad fit if we ever got together.

I know she reads the blog from time to time so I wanna say thank you because you did make me happier for a little while (even though I'll never know your real intentions) and Im happy that I made the right judgment about you. So even though Im looking for someone you clearly werent the one and Im glad I got out before you would hurt me. I gotta say I had my doubts about my descicion (as you know) but Im glad it happened. And the good thing is that I've gained a new friend. All is good :)

Now I'll deal with everything else again.

Good riddance!

Vacation

Yeah it's vacation time. I actually have nothing planned - not single thing. There has been some loose talk about a couple of things but right now it's all up to other people to decide what they wanna do. I'm free and I have said I'm up for it.

If nothing happens then I'm in for a pretty boring vacation. I only took 2 weeks in hope to find something more fun to do later on in the year. I've been thinking of going to some other country and catch a few concerts or something and I have loads of days to take to make that happen. A trip down to gothenburg has been talked about as well as a cruise so we'll see what happens.

Right now, Im writing here because Im bored though. I have some stuff to do but its all boring cleaning jobs so Im reluctant about doing it. It always feels good after Ive done it though so maybe I should start :/

Otherwise Ive been watching loads of movies the last few days. I'll give you some short reviews:

300 - This is the ultimate Manowar movie. Pumped up muscular men beating all odds. Lots of game blood (as in x-box or whatever - it disappears in this air) and lots of fighting. Overall I like the "cartoon style" but the movie itself wasnt very good.

American girl - about a white trash family with their father in prison and what happens on the annual picnick day. Not very good or convincing - at least not to me.

Definitely maybe - This one I liked. A man tells his daughter about his history with the girls he dated. Simplle comedy/romance/drama stuff. Probably what one would call a chick flick but I dig that kind of movie.

Hulk - the 2003 version I believe. Lots better than I remembered it as (I didnt even see it all the way through the first time around). Still nothing compared to the good superhero movies (Batman Begins, X-men etc) but alright.

13 - only saw the first 15 minutes or so. Crap to me.

Hitman - pretty much crap. I hate when movies even defy their own logic. Who walk around with swords on their backs anyway when they can just shoot the target with the guns they already hold in their hands? Ah well...


Oh and also I've just discovered how good the recent stuff Samael has released really are. Great industrial metal highly recomended to anyone that likes that style. I will buy a bunch of their albums for sure.

To concentrate.

Just a quick note on something I always notice but have a hard time making go away. I am very restless. I have probably up to 10 books I have started to read without finishing a single one. I started listening to audio books and I have started with two but only have the patience to listen if Im doing something else at the same time (like sitting on a train going somewhere). I never have any real patience when it comes to practice my bass playing either or even watch movies or other things on the tv.

It has become quite a problem since I have a hard time finishing things, anything really. The things is I have nothing better to do and often I find myself bored but Im to restless to actually do and finish something. Any advice on how to overcome this kind of behaviour is welcome.

On showing weakness.

For a long time now I have been a person who's been very cautios about not projecting the "wrong" image of myself to people. Its not that I have lied to make myself look better but I might have not told them about certain parts of my life. This is probably something that has grown in my head because of some of my morals and desires not to be like veryone else or not to be like the common image of whatever I have labeled myself. Let me explain.

I have in the past been cautios to reveal to much personal thing because I dont want people to use it against me. I think this stems from debates on the subject of religion where the opponent might use my weakness or inconsitencies against myself. I have been attracted to Satanism alot and its ethics are often elitist. Either one considers oneself the elite as a static thing, like alot of the Church of Satan people, ("we are our own gods") or as a dynamic thing like the Temple of Set that seeks to perfect the self through hard work. In this case Im leaning more towards ToS for sure. I think its supid to have a static view in this case but thats beside the point.

Thus I sometimes have held back the personal me from the debater. Granted it has often worked well but eventually the two also got seperated in real life which is where Im at today. Im trying to find my way back to where the two can be one, at least in my private life. This blog was first created as a diary output but I erased it after just a few posts. Then I decided to make it purely about religion and pilosophy. As time moved on the two became one and today I think its a nice mix of the two and that gives the reader a more complete picture of myself as well.

I have always valued life as it is, the acceptance of what I am here and now. That means both positives and negatives. I used to say that I dont regret anything because Im happy with who I am today. At this moment I cant say the same, Im not totally happy or satisfied with how certain things have turned out but I do have a good acceptance of myself as I am. I dont give a shit anymore if someone would try to win an argument against me because "my philosophy has made me feel like Im not happy with life". Its not like that anymore. Everyone has their problems, and Im sure most have gone through really tough times either mentally or physical or both. These are the times we are shaped the most.

I have had two really hard times in my life that I can remember and both has had an enormous impact on me. The last one is still in progress in the way that Im still trying to find my way back. But the thing is that I am on the way to do that and while Im not happy with everything right now (how one can ever be is beyond me) Im shaping my future and things are way better now than they were before.

So I dont care anymore if I fall into a cliché category. I am me and dammit its my right to be me and to enjoy it.

Thus spoke a long haired, metalheaded, pro-wresting and mma fan who's into the less conventional side of religion and philosophy.

Just stuff...

Just thought I should write to say Im still alive! Well thats no shock but I havent felt very inspired the last few days or even weeks. The fire has been (temporarily?) lost. I have no ideas as to what to write about on the blog so I will give it a rest until I find inspiration again. Im sure its sooner rather than later.

Not much has happened in my day to day life either. Been working as usual and I was out this Sunday with friends. We played some pool and some poker before going to see the championship match between Spain and Germany. However we didnt get into the park where they have the big screen (it was full) so we had to sprint through half of stockholm city to catch the train and get home in time for the second half. Im no big football fan (yes I want to call i football not soccer) so I didnt mind that much. It was fun regardless.

Got a few weeks off work pretty soon as well but still no plans set in stone. I have some ideas but I dont know what (if anything) will happen.

I have also been more serious to finish the university courses that I havent finished and maybe read p on one more subject so I get a degree so I can get myself a better job. I might actually do this during my weeks off work. It would be nice to finish up all the stuff thats been pushed back for so long now. The D level essay in religion is practically finished but I need to start working on a good subject for a B level essay in philosophy as well.

Ah well, thats all for now. Just random thoughts, nothing big, just like my life right now :/

Small update

Yeah, there is no real substance to this post. I felt like I wanted to write something but I dont really have the strength to do so. I have been home sick for a few days now doing nothing but eat, sleep, breathe and shit. Its very rare that I get sick so I hope this is it for another few years. I bet it had to do with me bathing in a lake during the weekend.

Anyways things have happened in my life that has made me alot more happy as a person which is a great change from how things have been these past few months. While I dont, at this moment, know what will happen there are things Im definately looking forward to in the future. I met this great girl and I hope something good will come from that and I also have a trip coming up to see NOAH. Me and a couple of friends have also been very active in doing stuff together which has been great. Just this past weekend we went to Falun Mine which was well worth the money. Ive been in the Sala Mine before but it was a long time ago. Truly fascinating stuff.

Otherwise I have nothing else to report other than that Im thinking of what part III will be of my "why Im not religious" article. It ma be something regarding a life after this life or maybe something on theism, atheism and agnosticism (subjects Ive already touched on in this blog). We'll see what happens and when it happens. Right now I'll concentrate on getting healthy.

The part of the mine thats above the ground. Its alot bigger below what you can see in the picture (that I feel doesnt make reality justice).

What happens next?

Right now I am dealing with something I dont now how to handle. I sent my ex a card for her birthday a week ago. My life has been shaping up lately but I got a response today. A nice thank you, explaining why she didnt answer sooner and a line how she hoped I was doing good. There was nothing wrong with it, no surprises or anything of the sort an I just couldnt handle it. I broke down. I have developed a defense mechanism which is running so I immediately went out for a run. It was about twice as long as usual and I believe it did help. I'm just sad now since I realize I hadnt come further in my recovery.

I cant even see her write to me. It all still comes back to me in a bad way. And if a basic response like this makes me react like this what happens when they move in together, when they get married or when she gets pregnant? As it feels right now I really dont want to know. Im not sure I can even stay friends with her even on this level (which is basically not speaking at all unless someone has a birthday).

There has been several things that have helped me the past few months. I met a really nice friend who is a great listener. I have a great old friend who has helped me alot and I met someone to send a recieve cute text messages from. I think I really have to rely on all the good things because I dont want to loose any of them. I think I need them to get over what has happened in my past. I need new goals and new desires to keep me strong. Nietzsche once said that what doesnt kill makes stronger. In every instant of my life this has been true but this is the worst I have probably ever been (in general that is, I was way worse back in february than I am now). I really hope Nietzsche was right in this instant and that I will make it out of this stronger than before but right now I need to deal with everything and I am not sure how. I sure as hell dont wanna loose any of the people that keeps me going because I cling to the past. I hope they can all help me see a brighter future.

I may regret writing this but since the blog from time to time has been serving as a diary of sorts this is how I feel right now at this moment. Lets see what happens next....

Reflections on my life

I went away this past weekend. It was a very welcomed change from all the normal things I usually do. While not everything went as I would have liked it with one guy staying at home last minute things turned out great on the actual trip. Now this guy who decided to not go did so out of laziness and we actually didnt go two weeks ago because he couldnt go wth us that weekend which caused me to cancel a gig this weekend because we planned our trip. It just shows poor character to blow things off like that without regards to what one has said before. Now I wont ever plan things around him anymore because tis is not the first time he changes his mind in the last minute.

Now it was me and a couple of friends who went away. A really nice little house by a great lake. We had lovely weather and had a good time. Both I and one of my friends have had a rough time the past few months (with him being just where I was emotionally a couple of months ago). I think both of us needed to get away and we did end up having a good time. There wasnt alot of people there since summer isnt truly here yet but we didnt need that this time around. We just hung out, had a few beers and relaxed.

Now getting home wasnt the most fun thing but at least I got my storage room today (finally after being occupied by some unknown persons belongings since I moved in just before new years). I have come to a more clear understanding as to what I need to do though. I try to act on everything I want. I really try to be more forward and open to new people. I also have seen a need to try new things which is why I have been thinking of maybe taking up school again and maybe study in another country or another town. At the very least Im thinking of getting a new job. We'll see where things end up. Right now I need to renovate my kitchen (both for my own liking and to raise the value of my apartment) and thats priority number one. Still things are getting easier by the day now and I hope I can keep going at a good pace and be at the very least satisfied for the moment with what I have and what I want to do.