A pagan dies...

I found this little story on another blog and I thought I would publish it here as well:

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The Pagan asks, “Where am I?”

Peter says, “You’re at the gates of heaven.”

The Pagan says, “But I don’t believe in heaven.”

Peter frowns at him. “You’re one of those Pagans, aren’t you?”

“Yes. I believe I’m in the wrong place; I’m supposed to go to Summerland.”

Peter says, “Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it’s temporarily closed for remodeling.”

“What should I do now?”

Peter says, “Well, since we don’t allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left.”

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. “Hello, I’m Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?”

“Yes, I am. What’s going to happen now?”

Satan says, “Well, the fishing’s pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There’s a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill.”

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, “And what was THAT ???”

Satan rolls his eyes. “Oh, just ignore them. They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Chapter II - Amoralism

Ok so its time for Chapter II on why some of my foundational beliefs clash with those of the religious men and women of the world. This time the article is based on the nation that there does not exist a objectiv morality.

I for one does not believe that morals have no use. I absolutely think that morals and ehics are of great use but I lack a belief in the absolute existence of moral laws.

Religious people often claim that there is a right and a wrong way to conduct oneself. This set of morals derive from a static source, it does not change. This source is God, in their minds perfection itself. Using perfection to describe their God is a way to further claim that God is totally static. Think of it for a second. Nothing that is perfect can become less or else it wouldnt be perfect in staying perfect. If it were to ecome something more than it already is then i wasnt perfect in the first place. Now my basic premise is that all is change and I cant see how one can say that this change is perfect. Maybe perfect imperfection or alike is a better way to say it. It is nothing and it is all but neither by itself.

With this in mind there cant ever be anything static and this is also true of morals. Apart from my disbelief in any personal, anthopomorphic, concious gods or godesses this basic premise of the universe is in great conflict with the notion of static values.

My firm belief is that humans create values for themselves. Some of it is very similar all over the world, other things are area specific and some are even specific in a very small circle like a family. These can appear static but are always in more or less change. We are brought up with certain values some of which we cling to for the rest of our lives and some which we leave at a very early stage.

For Immanuel Kant the importance lies within how one acts and not what the result is. This is because he believed in a static morality and the action itself is regarded to be good or evil even before one can see the results. For me the value does not lie in the action itself, even if the intent can have a great importance too, but one really needs to see what the result is before judging. Christianity, islam and judaism are all filled with static morality that one even gets punished for breaking. Even a system which I think at its core is amoral like taoism does include notions of objective morals, or at the very least alot of readers have made interpretations like that when reading the tao the ching for example. Hinduism is very multi-faced but does include alot of static morality as well, or morality derived from the gods.

Ayn Rand writes:

The clearest symptom by which one can recognize [the amoralist] is his total inability to judge himself, his actions, or his work by any sort of standard. The normal pattern of self-appraisal requires a reference to some abstract value or virtue—e.g., “I am good because I am rational,” “I am good because I am honest,” even the second-hander’s notion of “I am good because people like me.” Regardless of whether the value-standards involved are true or false, these examples imply the recognition of an essential moral principle: that one’s own value has to be earned.

The amoralist’s implicit pattern of self-appraisal (which he seldom identifies or admits) is: “I am good because it’s me.”

Beyond the age of about three to five (i.e., beyond the perceptual level of mental development), this is not an expression of pride or self-esteem, but of the opposite: of a vacuum—of a stagnant, arrested mentality confessing its impotence to achieve any personal value or virtue.

Do not confuse this pattern with psychological subjectivism. A psychological subjectivist is unable fully to identify his values or to prove their objective validity, but he may be profoundly consistent and loyal to them in practice (though with terrible psycho-epistemological difficulty). The amoralist does not hold subjective values; he does not hold any values. The implicit pattern of all his estimates is: “It’s good because I like it”—“It’s right because I did it”—“It’s true because I want it to be true.” What is the “I” in these statements? A physical hulk driven by chronic anxiety.

This is where I disagree. I personally regard myself as amoralist but in the sense that refer to a lacking that the concepts of moral right and wrong have any absolute and objective existence. This does not mean that there are no morals or that I dont have any values. I absolutely have values, morals and goals. I really look up to some of these values and try to shape my lif after what I think would be ideal, but that is what would be ideal for me. Not for everyone else or even for someone else. Morals are ever changing and subjective. To create a society the illusion of static morals are very much a necessity though. Somehow alot of people can seem smart when alone but become idiots in a group. Without any morals there would probably be raging chaos everywhere. But then again I do not believe that man can exist without creating morals and values for him/herself and everyone else. They may not be static but some way there will always be some kind of system to keep people in line.

What happens next?

Right now I am dealing with something I dont now how to handle. I sent my ex a card for her birthday a week ago. My life has been shaping up lately but I got a response today. A nice thank you, explaining why she didnt answer sooner and a line how she hoped I was doing good. There was nothing wrong with it, no surprises or anything of the sort an I just couldnt handle it. I broke down. I have developed a defense mechanism which is running so I immediately went out for a run. It was about twice as long as usual and I believe it did help. I'm just sad now since I realize I hadnt come further in my recovery.

I cant even see her write to me. It all still comes back to me in a bad way. And if a basic response like this makes me react like this what happens when they move in together, when they get married or when she gets pregnant? As it feels right now I really dont want to know. Im not sure I can even stay friends with her even on this level (which is basically not speaking at all unless someone has a birthday).

There has been several things that have helped me the past few months. I met a really nice friend who is a great listener. I have a great old friend who has helped me alot and I met someone to send a recieve cute text messages from. I think I really have to rely on all the good things because I dont want to loose any of them. I think I need them to get over what has happened in my past. I need new goals and new desires to keep me strong. Nietzsche once said that what doesnt kill makes stronger. In every instant of my life this has been true but this is the worst I have probably ever been (in general that is, I was way worse back in february than I am now). I really hope Nietzsche was right in this instant and that I will make it out of this stronger than before but right now I need to deal with everything and I am not sure how. I sure as hell dont wanna loose any of the people that keeps me going because I cling to the past. I hope they can all help me see a brighter future.

I may regret writing this but since the blog from time to time has been serving as a diary of sorts this is how I feel right now at this moment. Lets see what happens next....

Reflections on my life

I went away this past weekend. It was a very welcomed change from all the normal things I usually do. While not everything went as I would have liked it with one guy staying at home last minute things turned out great on the actual trip. Now this guy who decided to not go did so out of laziness and we actually didnt go two weeks ago because he couldnt go wth us that weekend which caused me to cancel a gig this weekend because we planned our trip. It just shows poor character to blow things off like that without regards to what one has said before. Now I wont ever plan things around him anymore because tis is not the first time he changes his mind in the last minute.

Now it was me and a couple of friends who went away. A really nice little house by a great lake. We had lovely weather and had a good time. Both I and one of my friends have had a rough time the past few months (with him being just where I was emotionally a couple of months ago). I think both of us needed to get away and we did end up having a good time. There wasnt alot of people there since summer isnt truly here yet but we didnt need that this time around. We just hung out, had a few beers and relaxed.

Now getting home wasnt the most fun thing but at least I got my storage room today (finally after being occupied by some unknown persons belongings since I moved in just before new years). I have come to a more clear understanding as to what I need to do though. I try to act on everything I want. I really try to be more forward and open to new people. I also have seen a need to try new things which is why I have been thinking of maybe taking up school again and maybe study in another country or another town. At the very least Im thinking of getting a new job. We'll see where things end up. Right now I need to renovate my kitchen (both for my own liking and to raise the value of my apartment) and thats priority number one. Still things are getting easier by the day now and I hope I can keep going at a good pace and be at the very least satisfied for the moment with what I have and what I want to do.

Chapter I - Egoism

Alot of the posts here have been quotes or reflections upon existing, living, breathing religious traditions. And while I find all of them inspiring I can not say that I am religious. There are parts I hold very dear and close to heart but alot of other tings which I can't seem to agree on. From now on my mission is to create a few posts that reflects things that I believe in that does bring me into conflict with alot of religious traditions. Behold chapter one - "egoism".

Egoism

Alot of religious traditions are hostile towards the notion of the ego. It's someting that is seen as a thing to overcome since it hides the reality of the world. Now there is a basic difficulty in regards to what is meant by "ego". The word itself comes from latins "egō" which supposedly means "I". Usual definitions of ego consists of it being the most concious part of our self, the individual as self-aware or, as this dictionary puts it (in regards to psychoanalysis), "that part of the psyche which experiences the external world, or reality, through the senses, organizes the thought processes rationally, and governs action: it mediates between the impulses of the id, the demands of the environment, and the standards of the superego."

Now in hinduism the ego is bad because they say it conceals the truth that what we ultimately are (atman) is in reality a part of brahman (the ultimate reality). The distinction between the two is a created one because the ego interprets things as seperate from eachother while all is, in reality, one. Buddhism has a different approach in that they claim that man does not have a self at all (anatman). This is not to say that people does not exist but they claim that the whole world in reality is change and there is nothing stable. Therefore searching for a self or a core within man (or anything else) is like pealing a onion. We remove layer after layer but when we come to the core there is nothing there (sunyata). This has a strong relation to modern subatomic physics which claim that there is no atom at all (atom in the original meaning of the word as the smallest material building block from the greek word ἄτομος noun use of an adjective ‘indivisible’). It seems like everything is just energy in constant change which makes things appear solid.

Now I definately lean more towards the buddhist view that everything is all changing. The only thing that does not change is change itself. Therefore humans can't have a core self, a stale soul or anything along those lines. However I would like to argue that the use of sematicts such as "anatman", that there is no self at all, is misleading. In all this change of energy things do appear and while they may be maya (illusion) in regards o us not knowing what it really is (if there is no such thing as the smalles material building block) it does indeed exist. I exist, this table exists and you exist. My conciousness exists and is seated somewhere, somehow in this body that I call "myself". Therefore I argue that there is a self but that we need to recognize that it is ever changing, never standing still.

‘Ego’, sayest thou, and art proud of that word. But the greater thing—in which thou are unwilling to believe—is thy body with its big sagacity; it saith not ‘ego,’ but doeth it. (Nietzsche - Thus Spoke Zarathustra).

I prefer to look upon the ego as a part of this self. I have no exact definition but I do like the thought that it is like the tip of the iceberg. That part which interacts and gathers information from all things that is not "I" through the senses. Thst thing which is able to make distinctions. While all things come from the same source, that hidden dark force of change doesnt change the fact that all things can also be seen as seperate and it is indeed a critical need for us to even be able to live. In singularity there is multiplicity and reverse.

Egoism is the "doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action" (merriam webster). Now the word itself is very misinterpreted. Most people seem to equate it with "self interest without any regard for others". This would indeed be pure stupidity. Is it really self-beneficial to disregard everyone else? I think not. If one uses egoism like this that person will most likely fail to achieve his or her goals because they become to involved in their own world and loses the attachment to reality. So while they may think that they act in self-interest they are in reality making things worse for the own self which os course is never the goal of egoism.

One writer puts it in a really nice way which is better than I would be able to describe things:

In brief, egoism in its modern interpretation, is the antithesis, not of altruism, but of idealism. The ordinary man - the idealist - subordinates his interests to the interessts of his ideals, and usually suffers for it. The egoist is fooled by no ideals: he discards them or uses them, as may suit his own interest. If he likes to be altruistic, he will sacrifice himself for others; but only because he likes to do so; he demands no gratitude nor glory in return. (John Beverley Robinson)

Striving for self-preservation is natural and the want for growth for oneself is equally important or maybe even more important. I actually think that absolute altruism in itself is impossible which is also why the strife to destroy the ego never ever appealed to me. One can not ever do things without regard for his or her own self. Its not possible. One can help others, get injured while helping others and putting oneself in great danger because of others but it is never done without regard of ones own self-interest.

What would we be without a ego to interpret the world through? Ethical egoism claims that doing things in ones own self-interest is actually necessary but it say nothing on what one is supposed to do or how. In this way it is very amoral. It will not tell you what is good or bad. That is something that you have to decide or find out for yourself. Everything is relative in regards to oneself. Indeed everything, and I do mean everything, is relative according to my point of view. Well except change itself maybe ;-)

We are like individual waves on a ocean. Part of the big oneness of the massive amounts of water but also distinct from everything else since one can make out the individual waves. I say lets create a great wave for oneself, the wave in reality is change and movement in the water - with the water. Lets be as great as we can be until we roll up unto the shore and with a splash that ends our individual existence!

Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding.

25

There was something formless and perfect
before the universe was born.
It is serene. Empty.
Solitary. Unchanging.
Infinite. Eternally present.
It is the mother of the universe.
For lack of a better name,
I call it the Tao.

It flows through all things,
inside and outside, and returns
to the origin of all things.

The Tao is great.
The universe is great.
Earth is great.
Man is great.
These are the four great powers.

Man follows the earth.
Earth follows the universe.
The universe follows the Tao.
The Tao follows only itself.

Both the quote and the title to this post is from the "Tao The Ching" alledgedly by Lao Tzu.

The only thing that doesnt change is change itself.

She is naked and dark like a threatening rain cloud. She is dark, for she who is herself beyond mind and speach, reduces all things into that worldly "nothingness" which as the Void of all which we now know, is at the same time the All (purna) which is Light and Peace. . . . She stands upon the white corpse-like body of Shiva. He is white because He is illuminating transcendental aspect of Conciousness. He is inert because he is the changelss aspect of the Supreme, and she apparently changing aspect of the same. In truth, she and he are one and the same, being twin aspects of the One who is changelessness in, and exists as, change.

[quote by Sir John Woodroffe in the book "Kali - black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding]

On positives and neofolk.

I feel good today. Yes thats right the first time I have made a post dedicated only to feeling good. Now it doesnt mean it never happens its just that the blog became a way for me to express sadness, anger and other emotions in the same vein. I thought, "what the heck", and decided to go on and write a positive note. I had a few friends over for coffe just after I had been out running. Totally unexpected and very nice. We went ahead and planned a short weekend trip and it was just nice to sit and talk for a little while.

I also started to look into some new music. Folk, neofolk and dark ambient. Weird isnt it? Alot of that music has a melancholy feel to it and I search for it now when I feel really good. I found some good stuff in "Of the wand and the moon", "blood axis" and "omnia" to name a few. I will look deeper into music like this in the future.

The hole of isolation.

Isn't it weird how alone one can feel even though one has people around who are there for you? To experience this daily and also talk to these nice people daily. Being alone is not necessarilly something one is in the objective world but a mind set in the subjective world that one can't get out of and that tears one down.

How can one get out of the hole one digs for oneself? I don't know, but I try to go forward and if I hang in long enough I think I will learn a thing or two on my own self-rescue.

Satanism, Buddhism and Hinduism

Now I make a return to the religious quotations. This time on the connections between three religions that have had an effect on my way of looking at the world. The first quote comes from a message board and it deals with buddhist tantra metaphysics. It speaks about the void/sunyata/emptiness. The second quote is on hinduism and the tradition that looks upon the ultimate source as the mother, in this case Kali. The dynamic darkness that is the foundation of reality. The third quote comes from a organization called the satanic reds. I don't care for their political orientation but their metaphysical side is very interesting indeed. Here they use Satan as the ultimate symbol for, what I consider, to be the same thing as the void in buddhism, and kali in hinduism.

Originally posted as a part of the lashtal forums:
http://www.lashtal.com/nuke/PNphpBB2-viewtopic-t-2355-highlight-empty.phtml

You claim Dharmakaya is 'Wholly Other' but this is not held universally. Many Tantric Buddhists will claim "Nirvana is Samsara. Samsara is Nirvana." The point is the non-dual nature of it, I think. The idea of something being "Wholly Other" while devoid of duality (of "others") boggles my mind. Further, this enlightened consciousness isnt necessarily static. "Bede draws on a quote from a great Zen teacher, Suzuki, in which he said that 'Sunyata [what you claim is True Nature] is not static but dynamic.' ...In the void there is a constant urge to differentiate itself. And the whole creation is the differentiation of the void...At the very moment of the differentiation it returns to itself. It is always coming out and returning." The void flows out in differentiation and simultaneously returns to the void. "That is why the Buddhists say that Nirvana and Samsara are the same," says Fr. Bede. 'Ultimately they are one.'"

Really, I think contemplating whether a state that transcends dualities is dynamic or static, because it seems the description would transcend the dynamic/static duality as well, no? It is no doubt that if one manifests into the 'differentiated state' of normal consciousness there would at least appear to be a dynamic flow of things (time-space, causality, etc.) It is said, 'Before Satori, chop wood & carry water; after Satori, chop wood & carry water.'

The quote on hinduism comes from the book "KALI - the black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding:

You see her as black because you are far away from her. Go near and you will find her devoid of all color. The water of a lake appears black from a distance. Go near and take the water in your hand, and you will see it has no color at all. Similary, the sky looks blue from a distance. But look at the atmosphere near you; it has no color. The nearer you come to God, the more you will realize that he has neither name or form.

And:

In dense darkness, O Mother, Thy formless beauty sparkles;
Therefore yogis meditate in a dark mountain cave.
In the lap of boundless dark, on Mahanirvana's waves upborne,
Peace flows serene and inexhaustible.
Taking the form of the Void, in the robe of darkness wrapped,
Who art Thou, Mother, seated alone in the shrine of samadhi?
From the Lotus of Thy fear-scattering Feet flash Thy love's lightnings;
Thys Spirit-Face shines forth with laughter terrible and loud.

And now this is from the satanic reds:
http://www.apodion.com/vad/article.php?id=12&aid=145

1. Satan is the "dark force" that permeates all of nature and motivates all things to act according to their inner nature. The Boundless Darkness Itself is SAT. The ACTION of emanating out of, unfolding out of, springing forth, is TAN. The motivator and the act of motivating all things are together: Satan. Satan is that which is the origin of all and the unmoved mover, and it is described by both the unfolding and the thing unfolded: Satan

2. All things have a beginning where all was one.

3.The "big bang" came from a spark within the one Dark Presence and all that results from the "big bang" is permeated by the Dark Force. The universe was emanated by this force going from Chaos-Dark into Cosmos-Light.

4. All things, over time in the cosmos, become separate and change without ceasing to change.

5. All things are constantly motivated to change according to environment, and then they change the environment by being in it, of it: there is a dialectical interaction. If they do not do this they perish and go into dissolution; but this is not destruction; it is only more change.

6. All things are constantly motivated to change by inner urge. This is "Self Becoming" or "Self Evolving." All beings everywhere have it. Most living things have this solely and together with their own species, as if linked. When the individual becomes into, the species becomes into; in fact, large groups of similar living things speciate in this manner and diversify. A thing can not become what it is not already at it's inner core, at it's fundamental essence, nor can it resist becoming "what it is" as that center of itself moves forward in time. The thing "becomes into" what it is. One can have inner truth of what they are and actively increase their potentialities, or one can flow with what one is. If one resists it or tries to become, in the inner sense, what one is not, one will become Nothing - Klippoth.

7. All things have an individual characteristic, a unique identity that defines what they are and become. They are a singularly occurring event in time/space.

8. All things are ultimately connected, even if they appear to be separate, in the great web of life.

9. And all this is the esoteric meaning of "Do as Thou Wilt" for that truly is the whole of the Law, Cosmic Law and SAT-TAN-ic Law. The joyful act of Doing and Becoming-Into is Love. It is experienced as Joy. Being is Joy. Joy radiates Love just as the sun radiates light.

Now my belief is that they all describe the same reality but they all use different words. This of course has to do with traditions, geography and other such things. There are definately parts which are non-compatible between the different views but I think the base is the same. Non-dual, formless into form etc.

Now what differes the most is probably the practice. I for one do not want to be called a buddhist because I dont agree on the morals and the ethics that they subscribe to. The same may be said on the other two religions as well. In regards to hinduism I have a hard time with the very theistic bend. I never liked the word God or what it symbolizes as some conciousness, a being that acts upon his/her own will. Im not a theist and therefore I interpret hinduism symbolically. It does describe a reality that is very real but it is made into myth for people to easier connect with it. Fritjof Capras book "the tao of physics" describes this quite well, how religious myths can be connected to scientific discoveries and "truths".

The red hibiscus

After getting home from work and my every other day running I had a small breakdown. I decided to sit down and read one of my new books. I wont say which one or what it dealt with but it made me calm and I could loose myself in the book and what it described. The red hibiscus has something to do with this. For those who might know the connection - great. For those who dont - just enjoy the beautiful flower :)

In between sleep

I fell asleep earlier than planned today while waiting for a tv-show. Naturally I woke up and got ready for bed and couldnt go back to sleep. Im now up and I feel pretty good. Maybe Im tired enough for my brain to be relaxed but not as tired so that I can go ack to sleep. Whatever the reason I actually feel fine. Somewhat of a nice calm state of mind. Unfortunately there is work tomorrow and a few other things I need to do but right now that doesnt bother me that much.

I also helped a friend today who is experiencing much of the same stuff I do emotionally but for different reasons. I really recognized what this person said to me and while he reacted with anger and I usually react with sadness I recognized the ultimate source and thought patterns. In a way it was good for me to see someone react like I did. Not that I want my friend to be miserable but I think it was good for me to discuss things with someone who is doing alot of the same things I have been doing the last few months. It gave me some perspective and objectivity which may even become essential in my path towards future happiness. I just need to find that reason to keep on going.

On the future...

So I have been thinking of what the next move would be for this blog. I am somewhat going back to my interest in religion and philosophy after months when I have had other tings to deal with. I ordered two books on the godess Kali and Im looking for a swedish translations of "thus spoke zarathustra" in pocket format.

I've been thinking of doing an article on why this blog is actually called "Ephesos 2.0". I dont know when it will happen but thats been my intention since this blog started. Im actually surprised I havent gotten around doing it yet.

At the same time I havent gotten over what happened this year and all the emotional trouble I have had. Its been less and some things in my life has helped me getting over it. Some other things have, unfortunately, made it probably worse than if I had done something else. Anyway I am on the road to recovery. Yesterday I did the girly thing and went shopping. I was picking up a "anaal nathrakh" shirt however I didnt try it on and now I have to get it back. Gotta need to get it ina smaller size and the printing was misplaced on the one I bought (to my defence it was ordered and I just picked it up at a store, normally I do try on new clothes before I buy them).

I guess one can say that I dont know what the future holds. My ex's birthday is coming up and I dont know if I should send her a card. Last time we spoke we did make peace and said to eachother than we would be friends. However neither of us have said a single thing to the other since then. As I said to one of my new friends that even though I wish to be a good friend and not let my emotions control me to much I am afraid that I may get to hear information that I do not wish to hear if I do contact her. I dont wanna come off as an ass not caring either so at the moment I dont know what to do. I think I need something or someone that can make me look upon the future and wanting to experience it. Right now my outlooks are survival. I have no concrete positive goals other than that. It may sound harsh and maybe I use way to big words to describe it but I have lost my passion and flame. All I want is to regain it.

The positives of all this is that I started training again. I now run every other day and my pant are starting to magically become bigger so I need new ones. I also just started doing som strength stuff. No gymming just basic stuff at home. This makes me think of nothing at all except what Im doing and its really nice to be able to clear my mind. My greatest and worst attribute is that I think alot and in bad times it often becomes a bad thing.

Anyway its nice to write here again. For a while it became to much for me but I now feel alot better about this whole thing. Once again it helps me get things off my chest in a good way.

The rebirth....

After a pretty long break I have been thinking of going back to writing on this blog. I felt that the posts had become to similar and I also felt that the blog had turned into some huge negative thing where I would only complain about stuff. The original thought was for this to be absolutely non-personal. It was supposed to deal with religion and philosophy. Granted it was all _my_ views and _my_ interests but never on a more personal level. After a while and some happenings in real life this somehow turned into a diary of negativity. As of right now I hope I can blend both of these aspects into one whole. I realize that if I am to continue to keep this blog alive I have to include alot of different topics and not just a few selected subjects.

The revival of my bog also comes from the fact that I have realized its not just my personal forum but I now know others have been reading what I write and some, well it should read _one_, has actually commented on how she enjoys reading it.

I am still struggling to find my way again and even if the the lyrics in the post below (that belongs to an awfully bad song I might add) still somehow rings true things are getting alot better. I have some new contacts that has made me happier and a friend has moved back home after living in another country for a few months. I hope this is all signs of help for me to recover. I still slip occasionally but it is getting easier to stand up again. And if this doesnt kill me I damn sure hope it will make me stronger. To rise from the ashes like a phoenix even stronger than before.