A chaotic view on the current situation.

However, if you want a one-line definition with which most Chaoists would probably not disagree, then I offer the following. Chaoists usually accept the meta-belief that belief is a tool for achieving effects; it is not an end in itself. (Pete Carroll)

Now I have been increasingly interested in something I would like to call philosophical chaotism. Actually it was something I wrote when I was supposed to describe my religious views on facebook. I just wrote "philosophical chaote" without much thought. It was meant to be mysterious and not obvious. Now Im no magician so to call myself a chaos magician would be wrong but I really like the underlying way of thinking in this movement. Its the results that count and not if the way one goes about to get to them is true or holds a objective truth. They can invoke the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael in a ritual to move towards whatever goal they strive for. Now the actual existence in Raphael has nothing to do with anything. Whats important is if the desired effect of the ritual is gained.

Now these past few days I have been very comfortable in the thought that all things happen for a reason. This is something I turned to a few years ago when I was feeling down as well and somehow, some way it gave me comfort. Its not what I really believe but it doesnt matter. It gives me comfort to believe that for whatever reason there is a purpose to me going through what Im going through right now.

Now Im critical of that kind of deterministic thought - you know if I would speak in public on my beliefs in the universe and how things work. But with the increased pain I felt a few weeks ago my viewpoint changed. It has been mostly about the big picture for such a long time. Now I was feeling bad and suddenly all that mattered was that I wanted to feel better. All the big metaphysical theories was cast down, or left behind. Not that I didnt believe in certain things but that they werent important anymore. To long had I been focusing on transcendent thoughts, dreams and theories. So much so that when I lost one of my "safe pillars" I fell really hard and really fast. I needed to think about me, about relations between humans with differing opinions and just getting through life. Now not everything is based on the way I was thinking about stuff, "real world" situations also helped alot but I discovered, just like I did years before, that a basic view on life that "all things happen for a reason" was helping me mentally getting through certain emotions.

Now everything may have a reason as to why it happens. Im not so much against that as I am againt the general associations with that kind of view on life. The determination of all things through a "higher conciousness" or through cause and effect or any other belief like that. Now I dont believe in free will either so I guess Im not really a proponent of any side here (much unlike many religious people, at least christians, who somehow finds logic to believe in both determinism and free will at the same time). Its as easy as me feeling better in times of crisis with a view on life that there is some reason behind what has caused me pain. I probably somehow make up that reason as I go along the path of life but the belief that its already there is very much comforting. Once I felt better I abandoned that kind of thinking. Maybe I will this time around as well. maybe that will be the "reason" as to why this happened. Now that sentence was full of contradiction but it does make sense. Well it does to me at least. But then again this comes from a guy who believes the all come from none and that the core of all things we can see hear, touch, feel etc really is nothingness.

During a class in philosophy a person once said that he would rather be sad and know how things really were rather than be happy and be blind to the truth. Now its an admireable position to have but having just been through terrible sadness I can say that at this moment I would rather be happy and ignorant towards the truth rather than knowing all truths in the world (if there are indeed a things such as truth) and be miserable. I sometimes see my interest in metaphysics as a curse for just this reason. Because of my knowledge and extended ways to think about stuff that cant be grasped (probably ever) I think I have lost alot of the joy in actually living. One of the things I felt my ex was doing was to just accept life and to live it. Im not saying she never encounter bad things or never feel bad but her basic outlook is very much going with the flow and accepting things as they are. I really miss that part of my life and of course I miss her bringing that view into my life. I always overthink and overanalyze. Heck, just look at this long ass post. Its probably taken me close to an hour to think of how to write and express how I feel in a blog that no one even reads. Isnt that the truth?