An update!

So its been a while since I last wrote here (well compared to how much stuff I put up here the past few weeks anyway). So here's and update on whats going on in my life.

This past Monday my ex came online to talk to me. She started by wanting to discuss the past which I was against because I didnt want any more arguing about it. I was just trying to come to terms with the fact that we had very seperate views on what happened. Right now it doesnt matter, it has happened, it caused me great pain so I didnt want to talk about it. However she did and I kept calm and it went good. Then I proceeded to tell her I was sorry for my behaviour (I still regret acting to much "in the moment" when I first learned about her future plans). However she told me it was her who should appologize ("I am sorry I have hurt you so much without realising"). I accepted the appology and it did feel better.

After this chat I have been feeling a little bit better overall. Before the chat I had a hard time focusing with thoughts just running wild in my head. I could not hold on to anything except for a few days when all I had in my head was one thing. This one day it was the phrase "it should have been me". That has for the most part disappeared.

Now it still hurts but its good to know that I didnt make her my enemy (or even non-friend) in the process of the grief I felt over losing her. The dream I had was often so vivid. I imagined us getting married, getting a house and I cans till see her proud face in my head when I imagine that shes pregnant. Im sure she will be just as proud as I have imagined just not with me as the father. Thats probably what hurts the most. I really wanted to have a family with her.

Now we have put the arguing behind us and have said to eachother that we will be friends. I have no doubt that we wont argue much again but I dont know how much we will actually stay in touch. I guess the future has all the answers to all the questions regarding that aspect of things. I do want to be there for her but she has so many friends alot closer than I am (at the very least in regards to distance) and she now is in a very serious relationship. Ah well...

So just two months into buying my own place I fell into a depression because of this and even though Im feeling better every day now I still think of doing something about my dreams. No I will not hit on my ex but I am thinking of moving. Not right now or even within the coming year but I am searching for info on what to think of and stuff like that. Of course Birmingham wouldnt be very good or maybe even England as a whole. Even though I love that country. It would be weird and probably inappropriate. I have been thinking of the Netherlands though. I dont know why really but it just popped into my head one day. Im not a drug user and I dont pay for sex so that is not the reason ;) I dont even know how serious this is but it does help me getting through a tough time so I guess that so far its been constructive. I have even been thinking of taking a class in dutch this autumn (an after work kind of thing).

I have also lost almost all interest in philosophy and religion at the moment. The very subject this blog was designed to be about. I dont know if I willr egain the interest (probably) but right now all the speculation on the great mysteries seem so irrelevant when I personally aint on the top of the mountain so to speak.

I have been turning more towards music though. Lately quite alot of Meshuggah ("catch 33" and "nothing") for some reason. I have also been listening to quite abit of my own band. We have just been in the process of recording a new album so I've been listening to the first few mixes quite frequently. I havent been playing any instruments though I just prefer having sound around me. I think it makes me feel more safe and it lets me concentrate on the music instead of all the thoughts that fly through my head.

I have also found my way back to wrestling somewhat. I lost alot of interest last eyar and havent really been keeping up with the product this year either (except PPV's). However I have now been more interested than I have in quite a while. Not so much with WWE but I have two shows from AJPW and NOAH to watch and Chikara has also brought me entertainment. I couple of years ago I wouldnt apreciate Chikara. Sloppy wrestling and alot of comedy but its just what I need at the moment. Sure the wrestling could be better, alot better even but the comedy makes up for it and I do enjoy watching the product.

I have also kept myself much more busy than before so I dont have so much free time to just sit around and think. Today I will go to our vocalists place and hear the final mix over a few beers (I guess - I have prepared for that at least) and tomorrow I will get together with my friends and drink alot and watch the eurovision song contest. Yeah I know, its stupid and bad but its an excuse to see my friends and we always have a nice time when we get together so I look forward to that as well. I might go to IKEA tomorrow as well. Got some stuff I need to buy to make my home a little better. I also need to throw some stuff on the dump and I better start doing that tomorrow or it will take at least one more week before I do it.

Now that was a long post to compensate the last few days of silence. This has been turning more and more into my personal (and public!) diary. Im pretty sure no one ever reads it but its nice to ventilate some of my thoughts and feelings like this.