1000 Times Goodbye.

MEGADETH
1000 Times Goodbye

[Dave Mustaine]

The tides of change pulled us apart
I feel a familiar pain
It seems like years since we've loved
Or even liked and that's a lonely way to be

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I will never take you back

- You know what? It's over
I just don't feel the same way as I used to
We've been together forever, but it's over

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

It seems nothing good is free
A good thing cost much more than the price
You were good but not that good
Don't kid yourself now it's time to beak up

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I'll never take you back

- Don't call me anymore. It's just not.
I don't feel the same way about you
Its not as good as it used to be

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

- I'll always love you but just not like that
- Like what?
- I want to be honest with you I met someone else
- You did what?
- And I really, I really love him like I used to love you
Remember the time that I told you that
I was going out of town for business?
Well I went to see him
- You know what? You suck!


Goodbye 1000 times
- You'll always have a special place
In my heart you know that
- It's just I can't be with you anymore it's over
Goodbye 1000 times
- Things may not work out with him
Goodbye 1000 times
- And if they don't
Goodbye 1000 times
- Then I'll certainly call you
Goodbye 1000 times
- You mean a lot to me
I still really want to be friends with you
I love you like you're my brother

*hangs up phone*

On different things...

It seems like the month of September has been almost all about music posts on the blog. For some reason music has been more important to me that it has been in a while (its always a huge part though it just more now for whatever reason). There has been quite alot of Megadeth and their underrated record "the world needs a hero", I've been fighting the loudness was since Metallica released "death magnetic" and other stuff I've been into have been much in the same vein with the old classic thrash bands.

I also finally understood jazz (I think). Ive been drawn to the genre for a long time but its just now that Ive come to really understand it when listening to "The Black Box of Jazz". Perfect introduction for me.

And also this is my faorite time of the year. Autumn is so beatiful with all the colours and the fresh air. I really enjoy it. For me its better than any other season. Its a shame its so short though. But maybe that makes me appreciate it more.

There are still lots of thing going through my head and Im trying to find out the positives and negatives of some of my plans and I havent decided yet or spoken to anyone about it (and of course I wont say anything here until I know more on how I feel about it). However the last part of September has been good to me for the most part. I was down the first few weeks and then I slept two weeks away also causing headaches every day. So weird because I havent had any problems with headaches really since school and "högstadiet". I realized something was wrong so I cut back on the sleeping and feel better now.

And Im going to buy new running shoes. I think mine has done their job and wants to retire. Ive been experiencing a small pain in my right leg after running so I stopped a couple of weeks ago. Its kind of reminicant (sp?) of when I ran in bad shoes (but alot less). So new shoes it is.

Oh and my band started rehearsing new material. It was pretty fun but I prefer having heard the stuff before I try to play it. Ah well, at least were getting somewhere and out new cd will be out soon I think (delayed by at least 6 mnths at this point).

Well thats all for now.

Join the loudness wars!

Lately Metallicas latest album "death magnetic" has made alot of people aware of the loudness wars that is going on in music today. It has gone so far that the dynamics of the music as well as overall sound quality is lost. In the Metallica example their retail version of "death magnetic" really is the worst sounding record I have ever heard. Now I like the songs but I am boycotting the album. I wont ever pay for a shitty product and that is what this is. Heres some information on the loudness wars:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loudness_war
http://turnmeup.org/

Now heres a video that compares the retail version of death magnetic and the guitar hero 3 version. The guitar hero version didnt go through the same mix/master (whatever it was that caused the problem) and thus sounds alot better. Remember this is from youtube so the quality is low because of that. However this will give you an idea of whats wrong but I recoment you to download the album and the guitar hero rip and compare on your home stereo or in your mp3-player. The difference is huge and after a while you will find the retail version hard to listen to.



Heres a petition to make Metallica re-issue the album with proper sound:

http://www.gopetition.co.uk/petitions/re-mix-or-remaster-death-magnetic.html

This is of course not only a problem for Metallica or metal but all music. So please join in and show that youre disapointed and want a change because as long as things happen as they do the record companies will keep doing what they are doing. Lets fight for good and dynamic sound!

I can always turn up my volume, but once the music is on the CD, I can't turn up the quality! Give the consumers quality and let us turn up the volume!

The Temple of the Black Light

Now, TotBL has gotten loads of quasi followers ever since Jon Nödtveidt (of Dissection) was released from jail, reformed Dissection and the took his own life. In some way alo of people seem to think this is "the real deal", "real satanism" etc. Not so weird maybe considering the attitudes among alot of black metal fans in regards to music being "true" or "cult" or whatever.

Now I came into contact with Satanism long before I knew about TotBL (or MLO as they were known as) so naturally I have a different perspective. Alot different even. After seeing another blog link to Jason Kings you tube videos I remembered that I myself stumbled across his stuff a month ago or so. He has a video on TotBL which essentially reflects my views on them as well. I wouldnt have expressed myself quite like him but the critique is essentially the same. He however gives no time to their faulty use of Kali for example. TotBL's version of Kali is really only one third of her original meaning in hindu and tantric tradition and its a pretty laughable conclusion TotBL does in regards to her. And if they wanna reinterpret the old myths to something barely recognizable why not just make up new names for the god you wish to revere? The same thing goes for their interpretation of Set.

In any case here is the Jason King video on TotBL:

Am I unforgiven?

Metallicas new album "death magnetic" was leaked and my interest in this release was pretty high even if my expectations were grounded. I've heard it 3 times and for now I'd say its good enough to buy (I always buy the music I like to support the band and the scene). The Unforgiven III has some really good lyrics and the chorus really connects with me. It's very beautiful and has alot of meaning and it hit me right in the heart when I heard it.

How can I be lost
If I've got nowhere to go
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold
How can I be lost
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive

Guns N' Roses - Patience

This is one of my favorite songs ever and I like to listen to it when I'm not in that happy place I should be in. It brings out alot of sad feeling but it does contain hope as well and it's so good that I automatically feel better hearing it as well. It's a song that brings together two polarities for me and it's just beautiful.

Chaos magic II

I found this post at the Abrahadbra forums. Its good, easy to understand and connects alot with my personal thoughts:

Chaos magicians do not believe in belief. There is no such thing as truth, so it's no use trying to find that one correct belief that corresponds to external reality. The core maxim of chaos magick is Hassan i-Sabbah's last words:

NOTHING IS TRUE; EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED

Yes, chaos magicians can be quite shallow and puerile (like Peter Carroll and others), but the philosophy of chaos magick, as I understand it and as I practice it, is mystic. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it is the foundation of all mysticism and all magick. Do I have your attention? Let me explain -

How is magick different from science or philosophy? Science and philosophy (analytic philosophy at least) seek to give a true account of the universe. They seek a set of propositions, sentences, mathematical equations and pictures that will give Knowledge. All you need to do is read the book and you know What's What.
Mysticism and magick, on the other hand, argue that reality and concepts are two different things. Reality is not a concept, so it can never be told. You can read The Book of The Law (and the commentaries too), but you haven't gained any insight into Truth. Truth must be experienced ('tasted' as the Sufis say), so we have all these practices to get to that state.
So aren't mystics basically just saying "Nothing is true"? That is to say, no sentence is Truth, no concept is reality. The Tao that can be told is not the true Tao.

It follows quite naturally from this that no moral law is true, therefore everything is permitted. (The teaching "Everything is permitted" is identical with the law of Thelema.)

The name 'chaos magick', in one sense, refers to the belief in Chaos as the being underlying everything. If something is Pure Chaos, then nothing can be said of it. If you can talk about it meaningfully, then it has order; it's not really Chaos. Chaos is the ineffable state from which everything emanates. It is therefore synonymous with Tao. (Compare Roman theogony, where Chaos is the father of all other gods.)

Other readings are "No thing is true", which is the Buddhist teaching of emptiness and impermance. Or "Nothing (i.e. The Void) is true", where "nothing" means something like Japanese Zen's "mu" or the Qabalistic zero.

You can, on the other hand, take the phrase "Nothing is True; everything is permitted" shallowly, to mean that there is neither mystic nor factual truth and that you should therefore follow your egotistical desires and drives like the Satanists do. Many chaos magicians do this and chaos magick has therefore gotten the reputation of being a shallow, materialistic system of sorcery. But that is just the shallowness of people with no insight and no interest in The Great Work. Similarly, I could take "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" shallowly and think it gives licence for violence, greed and pettiness, but I'd just be interpreting it wrongly.

Notting Hill

I have just finished re-watching the film Notting Hill. Now people may smile or think Im just daft but I really like these cheesy love story kind of movies. And they have to have a happy ending of course. Not alot of films manage to make me laugh out loud but this one actually does. BUt it also brings forth a couple of joyful tears.

I really wish I could experience something like what they do in the movie and where things end up on a good note. I dont have a desire for it to be with a celebrity though I just want that great girl who in the end just wants to be with me. Now this may sound kind of corny but really who doesnt want that?

I thought I had it before. Walking down the street with my girlfriend just being so damn proud she was with me and not some other guy. Wanting to be with her and no one else and thinking she was in the same place. I want that feeling again but already having lost it once has made it harder for me to hope. Thats when movies like this comes in handy. They make me smile and feel better and they do manage to give me some hope even though they may be cheesy and in alot of cases unrealistic. You know at least I feel good after having seen them.



And Julia Roberts really is wonderful in this film :)

To vote or not vote.

Just a small note before I go to a friend to study some. Yesterday I was thinking about a conversation I had at work with a woman who I think to a large degree summarizes the general Swedish standard outlook on things. Actually I get mad about her opinions alot of times but the thing this time around was about democracy and voting.

I dont know what other countries say but in Sweden alot of people is taught that if one doesnt vote at all (not even a blank vote) one has no right to complain about the political climate. I think that is totally wrong (and this comes from someone who did vote in the previous election).

Why would anyone take away the feelings of unsatisfaction with the current political climate if one doesnt vote. Sure the individual hasnt done anything to change the climate through voting but who took away his or her right to not me satified because of that?

Back when I was in school I remember what caused the most controversy was the amount of people not voting. Ever since I've seen these tendencies outside of just the school world as well. With less votes in general people worry about more extreme parties may thrive or the established parties finally get their head out of their asses and try to be creative to lure people back into voting for them. To just vote blank almost never gives anything. People just nod their heads and say "ok, so no existing party suited them, thats alrigh" and nothing is ever done about it. I think not voting at all is a bigger statement that one really doesnt believe on what the parties have to say.

And to make a extreme comparison no one ever say that the fans didnt have a right to be disapointed with say the Swedish football team in the world cup this summer. Very few outside of the team has probably had anything to do with their training, getting better and working to eliminate their weaknesses. Regardless people were so disapointed and starte to complain. Thing is even if we arent directly involved in a process I think we have the right complain about it if we see that it isnt any good according to our standards. Why shouldnt we?

Unplanned and unscripted.

I usually tend to plan out what I am going to write before I actually log in to publish it on the blog. This time however I havent done so. So if this post seems a little bit random and if different parts of it may not connect with eachother thats why.

I've been in the same place for several months now. Neither is it getting worse nor better. Im still feeling down which is also why I seemingly have no interest in reading up on heavy subjects such as religion and philosophy. What I have been able to read that makes me escape is Terry Funks biography. A good book I started on a year ago or so but never got through. Im almost done with it now and it has helped me to think of other things. While on the subject of wrestling even though I saw NOAH live this year I have not seen a whole lot of their product in 2008. However WWE have really been at it throughout the summer. Im really enoying thir stuff now probably more than I have since I started watching RAW and SD on ar egular basis (mate 2001). Just alot of things happening, new or fresh talent pushed (CM Punk, The Brian Kendrick, Edge and MVP) and old talent pushed just right (Undertaker and Triple H) etc. They are on a roll. Its just to bad William Regal messed up his push. I'd love to see that go somewhere.

I have also been worrying about the future. Of course I still cant let go of the past which really sucks and which makes me not being able to focus on what I want to do now. What I know is that I should look into getting a new job. I've been looking at some stuff in the hotel business. Its a little bit better payed and I think it wont tear as much on the body as my current job does.

I was also out to dinner with a friend a couple of days ago. It was a great storm that day but of course it came when I had already decided to go from the train to the sub-way station where we decided to meet. Sure, I had an umbrella but with the hard and heavy wind and the raining of cats and dogs I was soaked from the waist down when we got there. Not very pleasant. Anyway my friend and I spoke and he thinks I should get my education. I basically have 2 years of religion and one year of philosophy and just some small stuff to get the last remaining points in each course. If I read some more I could probably become a teacher. We will get together tomorrow to study sso we'll see how that works out.

However I also have a strong urge to move, and when I say move I mean far away. Im thinking London would be cool. However Im not sure I want that because of the right reasons. As you all know my ex is from England (not London though) and I was so set on moving there. If I do now Im scared it might still be because of her even though we do not speak to eachother anymore. A part of me want to do it to be free and come to something all new and start over. Another part of me wants to do it so I can be in the same country as my ex if things dont work out for her so I can easily go to her. I know its fucked up.

Last weekend my band played a show in Norway at the small Mölla festival. It was great and Knut (the man in charge) was great as always. It was intense though and I didnt enjoy much after the gig the same night. Its just people doing stuff that other friends also experimented with a few years ago and Im not really into that kind of stuff (I guess you know what I talk about). I hope they grow away from it eventually. My other friends did. However this being the music scene one never knows :-|

And also Im getting ready for my first run in over a week. I was of course busy the last weekend and then I have had a small pain in my leg the following week. Nothing serious I dont think but I dont wanna make it worse. Man I hate when I havent trained for a while and then start doing it again. Its never fun but maybe it can clear my mind somewhat. At least for the moment.

Im trying to think if there was more stuff I wanted to get of my chest but I cant think of anything. So over and out...

Votes for "other" in the poll.

I have seen that 5 people have voted "other" in the poll. Why not make a comment to this post and tell me what you consider is the best religious label for you?

Update!

I made a small update with a link list and the possibility to subscribe to the blog. The links do not necesarrily reflect my own thoughts and opinions but for one reason or another I find them worthy of a read. More links will be added as time goes by.

Edit #1: The Temple of Set website is listed because of the two excellent e-books Michael Aquino hs published there. One is his view on The Church of Satan from 1966 to 1975 and the other deals with The Temple of Set but it is a work in progress (i.e. uncomplete).

Two short texts are linked to, Tao Te Ching and Heraclitus Fragments. Both well worth a read but I may not agree with all they have to say. There is also a article on Sunyata and atman, the relationship between hinu and buddhistsic metaphysics. Interesting stuff.

The 600 Club and Abrahadbra websites have nice forums which I like to visit every now and then. At times there are some threads that are well worth a read.

I linked to Cavalcare La Tigre because the author sometimes touches on some really interesting subjects even though I dont agree with him(?) in general. The Stinas blog I found only yesterday and since I've been playing with the though of moving to London I found her story interesting and worth a read.

The extent of magick's power.

These are two posts from the abrahadabra forums. I love the response given to post numer one.

coma_gnosis:

Chaos magick can do many things, it seems. It can bend "laws" of nature, change what is considered unchangeable, and create things and situations that could be considered impossible by others...

I've encountered many people who claim that magick can only affect the mind, some who say magick can have only slight affects on the world, others who say magick can do some things but not others, and other people who believe magick can do pretty much anything. I am of the last group. I think that magick can do things considered impossible by others.

I believe magick can trigger physical effects instantly, I believe it can changes a physical shape into another, I believe it can break any "law" or "rule" that would limit a magician.

I don't believe these things so that I'll feel more in control of my life or so that I'll feel special. I simply don't see any point to not believing you can do something. After all, if you don't believe something will work, it probably isn't going to. But if you believe it can, there's a chance it can work and you can do things experience life in ways that those who doubt cannot.

Have any of you experienced an "impossible" thing because you believed?

Wolfman:

I've experienced 'impossible' things and I don't think it mattered whether I 'believed' in what was happening or not. I think that's the trick: Humans get so caught up in what they 'believe in' or what they don't - when all along the multiverse is doing exactly what it wants to.

Directionless.

I have been rather unsure of what direction I want to take with my life as of late. Well, more than usual. I wrote on the blog about how I met this girl I had an interest in. I also wrote a post on how happy I was for stepping away from the whole thing in time. And I truly was even if I still enjoyed being friends with her.

However I made things complicated a few days ago and I think looking back at things that we both made some bad moves. In any case it seems like she doesnt want to speak to me anymore which is a shame because I really enjoyed her as a friend. I guess part of that is because of my behaviour of not being able to know what I want.

All of this is of course because of my mental state and Im always looking for things to break the pattern but Im still very much locked inside a bubble I seemingly cant break out of. Like right now for example. It really is to late for me to be up because Im off to work early tomorrow morning but when I went to bed my mind just couldnt relax. I have so much in my head right now and I dont know what to do about it so here I am writing to get my mind to rest. I know that it will work eventually.

They say after rain comes sunshine but its been raining for so long that I have almost forgotten how the sun looks. And everytime I have a good few days or a week I somehow fall back. Its not as bad as it was before but its pretty scary because it seem like its been flattened out. I see no improvement at all. I dont want this to be my "neutral state of mind" so to speak.
Im searching hard to find a way to keep on improving.

Human beings?

We are human beings not human doings.

(Norwegian woman on some tv-show)

Bertrand Russell quotes with comments.

I found more Russel quotes and I thought I'd include them here as well in a updated version of the original post. I will also add commentaries to them and how they apply to my life.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

This is just plainly a good quote and it shows us what the essence in life should be. If you enjoy something it is not wasted or unneccessary. The true meaning of life should be this. Do what you enjoy and enjoy what you do. Happiness is the key.

We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams.

This struck me as very true because today I am so very torn between the two. In many ways I remember and glorify the past but my dreams are still rooted in the past. Everyone who has read this blog for some time know of my situation. I have been miserable losing the girl in my past. I had the dreams of creating a family with her and moving from Sweden to England to be closer to her. It all came crashing down and I have been in a very rough condition for a long time now. However all I can seem to dream about now is that I still want to move. I dont expect to get my ex girlfriend back. That would be stupid considering all things that has went own. However I still want to live in England and for some reason I feel ready to give up my apaprtment (which is very nice) and maybe take a even lower job on the scale of pay and reputation. My mind was so ready for everything that a move would include that when the original reason for the move "went away" my mind was still not attached to the life I live here and now. Its still way off in some foreign country creating a new life for itself over there. Thus my memory and my dream is so much interconnected and in a bad way that I dont feel rooten in where I am today.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.

And of course this is the continuation of what I wrote before. I want to change the past more thn anything. I used to say that I didnt regret anything because it all made me what I am today. Well thats not how I feel anymore. Maybe I will feel like what Im going through now was necessary if I will be happy in the future but right now there are things in my past I would have liked undone. I wish I could go back 4 years in time or so and know all I know now and reverse a few descicions I made back then. Because I know I cant change the past Im worrying about the future. Im actually pretty scared that if I do something now and take a chance things will get even worse than the are now (mentally that is). Of course they could turn out to get better as well and the one who doesnt try will never know but the fear of things getting worse is unfortunately overwhelming.

Proof of an intellectual creator god!

Yes, the subject line if misleading. I came across a post on the Flashback forums claiming to have proof that science and religion talks about the same thing and tat science actually agrees with religion that there is a singular, intellectual creator god. As of right now I wont comment on it more than that I will say that the posters reasoning is highly stupid and simplified. If anyone is interested in the relation of science and religion I recomend Fritiof Capras "the tao of physics". He doesnt claim science justifies religion but that they try to describe the same thing. He never claims science accepts the thought of some kind of intelligence that created the universe but point to th similarities between mythics way to describe reality and what we with modern physics have arrived at in terms of knowledge.

Now this is the post from the Flashback forum. Once again this is a way to show the stupidity of some people that actually believes this stupidity. The post is in Swedish and I havent translated it yet. I might do so in the future. We'll see. Anyway here it is, originally posted by the the user srednabr at this location:

Bevis för existensen av en superintellektuell Skapare.

---

Forskare är överens om att materia slutligen består består av en kombination av rena krafter (kvarkar) som har sitt ursprung i en Ursprunglig Kraft, en Singularitet. Omvänt hävdat; den Singulariteten är ansvarig för allting fysiskt i universum, all materia och alla lagar som styr materia. Inte heller kan någon intelligent person fly slutsatsen att universum manifesterar, vid varje vridning/vändning [engelska "at every turn"], intelligent design; av en intelligens som långt övergår vår egen. Således så möter vi oundvikligen en superintelligent Singularitet. De mest eminenta vetenskapsmän, inklusive fysiker, tillstår det.

Det är inte logiskt försvarbart att hävda ”det är omöjligt för någon att helt och hållet bevisa att det finns eller inte finns en Skapare.” Som bäst kan du endast hävda att du inte känner till ett sådant bevis. Det existerar faktiskt ett sådant bevis.

Här kommer följande bevis att det finns en Singularitet-Skapare, det väkl kända reductio ad absurdum-beviset (engelska: proof by disproof; bevis genom motbevis).

-Antagande: Det finns ingen Singularitet (Skapare).

-Således: Det finns ingen materia eller fysiskt universum som fogar sig efter de kända fysiska lagarna.

-Fakta: Det finns materia och ett fysiskt universum som fogar sig efter de kända fysiska lagarna. (Motsättningen bevisar antitesen till antagandet; t.ex. bevis genom motbevis).

-Således: Det finns en Singularitet (Skapare)!

(källa: www.netzarim.co.il)

mvh Anders Branderud
Efterföljare till Ribi Yehoshua – Messias – i ortodox judendom.

On being happy even though things dont go as planned.

The last few days has been a rollercoaster in more ways than one but something good happened. I decided on something and it turned out to be the right thing all along. I've been talking about meeting someone but after we discussed something I wasnt sure. Lets just say there were personality traits that she had that I had a problem with. She was open with it to me and Im thankful for that.

A day after we had our talk she was listed as "in a relationship" with someone else on facebook. Im so glad I detached myself from that. One of her traits was to live double lives and being impulsive and such. This proves that she had something going on at the same time as she was coming on to me. I never let myself get caught up to much in this mostly because of my history but then also because it would probably be a bad fit if we ever got together.

I know she reads the blog from time to time so I wanna say thank you because you did make me happier for a little while (even though I'll never know your real intentions) and Im happy that I made the right judgment about you. So even though Im looking for someone you clearly werent the one and Im glad I got out before you would hurt me. I gotta say I had my doubts about my descicion (as you know) but Im glad it happened. And the good thing is that I've gained a new friend. All is good :)

Now I'll deal with everything else again.

Good riddance!

Vacation

Yeah it's vacation time. I actually have nothing planned - not single thing. There has been some loose talk about a couple of things but right now it's all up to other people to decide what they wanna do. I'm free and I have said I'm up for it.

If nothing happens then I'm in for a pretty boring vacation. I only took 2 weeks in hope to find something more fun to do later on in the year. I've been thinking of going to some other country and catch a few concerts or something and I have loads of days to take to make that happen. A trip down to gothenburg has been talked about as well as a cruise so we'll see what happens.

Right now, Im writing here because Im bored though. I have some stuff to do but its all boring cleaning jobs so Im reluctant about doing it. It always feels good after Ive done it though so maybe I should start :/

Otherwise Ive been watching loads of movies the last few days. I'll give you some short reviews:

300 - This is the ultimate Manowar movie. Pumped up muscular men beating all odds. Lots of game blood (as in x-box or whatever - it disappears in this air) and lots of fighting. Overall I like the "cartoon style" but the movie itself wasnt very good.

American girl - about a white trash family with their father in prison and what happens on the annual picnick day. Not very good or convincing - at least not to me.

Definitely maybe - This one I liked. A man tells his daughter about his history with the girls he dated. Simplle comedy/romance/drama stuff. Probably what one would call a chick flick but I dig that kind of movie.

Hulk - the 2003 version I believe. Lots better than I remembered it as (I didnt even see it all the way through the first time around). Still nothing compared to the good superhero movies (Batman Begins, X-men etc) but alright.

13 - only saw the first 15 minutes or so. Crap to me.

Hitman - pretty much crap. I hate when movies even defy their own logic. Who walk around with swords on their backs anyway when they can just shoot the target with the guns they already hold in their hands? Ah well...


Oh and also I've just discovered how good the recent stuff Samael has released really are. Great industrial metal highly recomended to anyone that likes that style. I will buy a bunch of their albums for sure.

R.I.P George Carlin

George Carlin - Religion is bullshit:



George Carlin - Defrags the 10 Comandments:




There should be just one commandment - "Be excellent to eachother". Something I know Rufus, ehum, George did agree with me on.

How to be an online metal head!

I found this on the Ultimate Metal Forum. Not sure if non-metalheads find it funny but I do. Unfortunately it's true in alot of cases:

1. Every band you don't like sucks. You know the critically acclaimed band that revitalized the genre that you personally never got into? They suck. There's no room for debate; they just utterly blow ass. Make sure you're always ready and willing to point this out on various Internet forums/message boards/communities to fans of the band. In fact, you should take advantage of every opportunity and jump at any mention of the band, no matter how minuscule. Listen, it isn't enough to call an oft-praised band "overrated"; you must bring to light their extreme suckiness. No excuses.

2. Word play is a metalhead's best friend. Since you'll be frequently conversing in various online metal communities, it's important that you utilize the target band's name. A statement like "Band X sucks" is a good start, but if you want to improve your metalhead credibility, you're going to have to get more sophisticated than that. Never pass up the chance to twist and bend a band's name to include some negative word play. Some of the more effectual terms you can inject into a band name include, but are not limited to, "gay," "fag," "sucks," "shit," and my personal favorite, "turd." For examples, consider the following: "Trivicum" (Trivium), "Craptallica" (Metallica), "Blowpeth" (Opeth), "Lamb of Gay" (Lamb of God), "Iron Gayden" (Iron Maiden), "Mastodong" (Mastodon), "Panterrible" (Pantera), etc.

3. Make use of negative labels. Generalizing an entire group or thought process works in politics, so why not music? There's really no limit to what you can stick a label on. Bands, the members of a band, the band's fans – hell, even entire genres are up for a good ridicule by way of labeling. The best part about labels is that they don't even have to hold any significant meaning; they just need to sound unfavorable. "Mallcore," for example, doesn't need to carry a negative denotation, as long as it connotes a feeling of shitty music. Your use of "-core" doesn't end at "mall," so don't let an opportunity to use such gems as "fagcore," "shitcore," and "douchecore" slip by.

4. Adjust to tunnel vision. You may from time to time be tempted to listen to a band you once derided despite never having heard a single song of theirs. Resist the temptation! If you keep yourself in the dark and refuse to listen to any of the band's songs, you can still argue for their suckiness, and you won't be a hypocrite in the eyes of your fellow metalhead. This goes double for any of those fagcore genres; every single band that even so much as resembles that style of metal is shit. There's no two ways about it. If you can't resist the temptation, then make sure you never let anyone know you listen to the band in question, and fervently deny every accusation of hypocrisy.

5. The Internet is no place to be insightful. Make your point, and make it quickly. Rarely will you need more than a single sentence to describe how purely awesome a band is or how ridiculously awful another is. Don't get bogged down trying to think of something clever; leave the intelligent prose to the professional critics who, by the way, are always wrong. Keep your caps lock on, and don't be afraid to use an excessive amount of exclamation points.

6. Points are awarded for obscurity and deducted for popularity. So one of your favorite bands who you've listened to for years has just sold 100,000 copies of its most acclaimed album. This may go without saying, but it's time to drop those fucking sell outs like the greed-mongering posers they really are. Any CDs, posters, t-shirts, and magazines featuring said band must be burned immediately. Delete any trace of the band from your computer. Deny ever having listened to them. Once all this is complete, you can successfully rebound by finding the most obscure metal bands you can. Don't worry about quality – whether they're any good or show any potential isn't important; what's important is that you find that one band that no one has ever heard of. A good find will vary, but extra points go to the enthusiast who finds a band that only produced one song before breaking up indefinitely: a self-released demo only available on their now-defunct website.


That concludes my suggestions for being a metalhead online. Have fun, and remember, Internet anonymity is what keeps metal alive.

Opinions wanted.

I see that there have been a few hindus visiting the blog (well 2 according to the poll). Im interested to hear from you what you think of my interpretations of "your" godess. Im sure it differs and I am eclectic in that I use loads of different symbols from different traditions that to me ultimately tries to explain the same thing. Which actually makes me think that it would be fun if anyone would comment on the way I connect certain things like for example the post on hinduism, buddhism and satanism. In other places I have put taoism and old northern religion into the mix as well. I'd love to hear from people what they think about the stuff I write. Positive or negative doesnt really matter but I want it to be constructive not just random use of negative words or such.

Of course anyone is free to comment on stuff I put in the "personal" category as well (which seems to be the part that intrigues most of my readers).

Überman!!!

To concentrate.

Just a quick note on something I always notice but have a hard time making go away. I am very restless. I have probably up to 10 books I have started to read without finishing a single one. I started listening to audio books and I have started with two but only have the patience to listen if Im doing something else at the same time (like sitting on a train going somewhere). I never have any real patience when it comes to practice my bass playing either or even watch movies or other things on the tv.

It has become quite a problem since I have a hard time finishing things, anything really. The things is I have nothing better to do and often I find myself bored but Im to restless to actually do and finish something. Any advice on how to overcome this kind of behaviour is welcome.

On showing weakness.

For a long time now I have been a person who's been very cautios about not projecting the "wrong" image of myself to people. Its not that I have lied to make myself look better but I might have not told them about certain parts of my life. This is probably something that has grown in my head because of some of my morals and desires not to be like veryone else or not to be like the common image of whatever I have labeled myself. Let me explain.

I have in the past been cautios to reveal to much personal thing because I dont want people to use it against me. I think this stems from debates on the subject of religion where the opponent might use my weakness or inconsitencies against myself. I have been attracted to Satanism alot and its ethics are often elitist. Either one considers oneself the elite as a static thing, like alot of the Church of Satan people, ("we are our own gods") or as a dynamic thing like the Temple of Set that seeks to perfect the self through hard work. In this case Im leaning more towards ToS for sure. I think its supid to have a static view in this case but thats beside the point.

Thus I sometimes have held back the personal me from the debater. Granted it has often worked well but eventually the two also got seperated in real life which is where Im at today. Im trying to find my way back to where the two can be one, at least in my private life. This blog was first created as a diary output but I erased it after just a few posts. Then I decided to make it purely about religion and pilosophy. As time moved on the two became one and today I think its a nice mix of the two and that gives the reader a more complete picture of myself as well.

I have always valued life as it is, the acceptance of what I am here and now. That means both positives and negatives. I used to say that I dont regret anything because Im happy with who I am today. At this moment I cant say the same, Im not totally happy or satisfied with how certain things have turned out but I do have a good acceptance of myself as I am. I dont give a shit anymore if someone would try to win an argument against me because "my philosophy has made me feel like Im not happy with life". Its not like that anymore. Everyone has their problems, and Im sure most have gone through really tough times either mentally or physical or both. These are the times we are shaped the most.

I have had two really hard times in my life that I can remember and both has had an enormous impact on me. The last one is still in progress in the way that Im still trying to find my way back. But the thing is that I am on the way to do that and while Im not happy with everything right now (how one can ever be is beyond me) Im shaping my future and things are way better now than they were before.

So I dont care anymore if I fall into a cliché category. I am me and dammit its my right to be me and to enjoy it.

Thus spoke a long haired, metalheaded, pro-wresting and mma fan who's into the less conventional side of religion and philosophy.

Yin/Yang picture

I came across this picture that depicted the yin/yang symbol in a different kind of way. I have no permission to publish it but hope its alright. If not the artist may send me a note and ask me to remove it.

Just stuff...

Just thought I should write to say Im still alive! Well thats no shock but I havent felt very inspired the last few days or even weeks. The fire has been (temporarily?) lost. I have no ideas as to what to write about on the blog so I will give it a rest until I find inspiration again. Im sure its sooner rather than later.

Not much has happened in my day to day life either. Been working as usual and I was out this Sunday with friends. We played some pool and some poker before going to see the championship match between Spain and Germany. However we didnt get into the park where they have the big screen (it was full) so we had to sprint through half of stockholm city to catch the train and get home in time for the second half. Im no big football fan (yes I want to call i football not soccer) so I didnt mind that much. It was fun regardless.

Got a few weeks off work pretty soon as well but still no plans set in stone. I have some ideas but I dont know what (if anything) will happen.

I have also been more serious to finish the university courses that I havent finished and maybe read p on one more subject so I get a degree so I can get myself a better job. I might actually do this during my weeks off work. It would be nice to finish up all the stuff thats been pushed back for so long now. The D level essay in religion is practically finished but I need to start working on a good subject for a B level essay in philosophy as well.

Ah well, thats all for now. Just random thoughts, nothing big, just like my life right now :/

NOAH in Coventry, England

So Im back from Coventry, England. I had a great weekend traveling with lots of cool people to see the japanese pro-wrestling group NOAH's first ever show outside of Japan. We went to a meet and greet and met alot of the wrestlers on the show. By far the coolest was to meet Kenta Kobashi, a living legend. I wont publish any of those phots here. I dont wish for anyone to see how I look :P + The pics didnt turn out that good and as usual my face is all red :)

The show was awesome as well. The best wrestling show Ive been to (up until today Ive been to 9 shows in total I think). So heres some of the better pictures I took during the trip:

Chapter III - Life after death

First a short note on the poll I put up. 6 people answered so far which is more than I originally though. So far a nice spreading of beliefs which is great. I hope to not appeal only to one kind of person. Lets see if I can get any jews, muslims or christians to read this as well :)

Now to Chapter III on why some of my foundational beliefs clash with those of the religious men and women of the world. This time the article is based on the nation that there does not exist a afterlife.

I value life as the existence of conciousness, the existence of me. Death is non-existence of that which I call myself just as a dead flower withers and rot so will I. Once rotten I become earth and take my place as something for worms to crawl in and for plats to grow in. In this sense one can say that "that which was me" becomes somthing else. However this something else isnt something that is ultimately concious. However it can and probably will feeed a concious creature in the future.

Most religions have notions of a life after death, or maybe more correct an afterlife. In some religions like christianity there are two alternatives. One good and one bad depending on how one has acted in this earth bound life. In other religions like buddhism and hinduism one is stuck in samsara, the cycle of life, and one wants to realize how the world is "founded" to escape reincarnation. Anton LaVey to spoke about a life after death through fulfillment of the ego. There are two interpretations here. One is the literal one that he actually spoke of a life after this through hard work and strenthening of oneself. This one is easy to see since thats what he writes about in the chapter that deals with afterlife in "the satanic bible". However as Satanism became more and more atheistic and non-mystical in its approach this has often also been seen as purely symbolical. These people usually point us in the direction of a sentence at the beginning of the very same book;

Thus shall you make yourself respected in all the walks of life, and your spirit - your immortal spirit - shall live, not in an intangible paradise, but in the brains and sinews of those whose respect you have gained.

This passage is two-fold. It is usually said to be very un-spiritual since its all about gaining a afterlife not through actual survival of death yourself but through being remembered by others. At the other hand the author, originally Ragnar Redbeard and then Anton LaVey, have no problem with calling something "your immortal spirit". Im not gonna go deeper now but this is the two-foldedness of LaVeyan Satanism that makes it harder to pin down than one seems to think.

One important part though is that the LaVeyan does not wish to destry his ego or his self but sees it as of vital importance to keep living. Alot of religious traditions preach the annihilation of the ego, sometimes of the self and alot tells us that we either already are one with everything else or that the goal should be to regain a oneness (that is a loss of self) to unite with "God". Now I have touched upon this before in this blog. I see life as a web and all things are ultimately connected somehow. However this does not mean that doing individual distinctions isnt right. Its how we percieve the world and its not necisarrily wrong. I often talk about the self as a wave on the ocean. Its a part of the ocean and what constitues the wave is under constant change. What makes the wave is the energy manifesting in the material. But even being a part of the great ocean it is also distinct. We can follow a single wave all the way until it crushes into land and dies.

Now this is what I believe. We are a part of a big whole and when we die we do dissapear into this great whole and ultimately comes out as something else. The enery transforms into something else but it cant be said to be a new life in another dimension or a rebirth or reincarnation.

I find it of utmost importance to strengthen oneself in every contructive way in life. The annihilation of the ego is possible but only through death and death to me is the ultimate no-thing. There is no conciousness. When I die I wont know the difference. There wont be eternal bliss, there will be nothing for I do not exist to actually experience anything.

The strengthening of myself and my ego (the feeling of an "I") is also important in regards to living a creative life. A person who lacks this cant be living a good life either. Life starts and ends with me, the I. We are forever alone in our perception of the world. You can never know how any other conciousness experiences things. We may have an idea and can communicate experiences through language but we can never actually know. So without the self or the I we are nothing at all and cant act since action need both subject and an object. Or "something that influences something" therefore a view that things are obects. This is the great thing about this universe. The foundation is chaos, nothingness or subatomic energy (all physicists excuse me is thats not the right words for it, i believe you know what I mean). The big one-ness that gives birth or manifests in the particular. In taoism the "wuji" manifests in the yin and the yang (which are onething but two at the same time) and in science this is all represented in modern sub-atomic physics.

Second update

Just a small note on a couple of updates. I added a small poll to the left. If people vote I will keep it if not I will delete it. Simple as that. I have also been labeling my posts so its easier to find older posts. Right now there are just 3 categories "wisdom" (all things relating to religion and philosophy), "personal" (anything personal/my diary comments) and "other" (as of right now mostly updates and lyrics). I might specify the labels but for now this will do.

Over and out.

Small update

Yeah, there is no real substance to this post. I felt like I wanted to write something but I dont really have the strength to do so. I have been home sick for a few days now doing nothing but eat, sleep, breathe and shit. Its very rare that I get sick so I hope this is it for another few years. I bet it had to do with me bathing in a lake during the weekend.

Anyways things have happened in my life that has made me alot more happy as a person which is a great change from how things have been these past few months. While I dont, at this moment, know what will happen there are things Im definately looking forward to in the future. I met this great girl and I hope something good will come from that and I also have a trip coming up to see NOAH. Me and a couple of friends have also been very active in doing stuff together which has been great. Just this past weekend we went to Falun Mine which was well worth the money. Ive been in the Sala Mine before but it was a long time ago. Truly fascinating stuff.

Otherwise I have nothing else to report other than that Im thinking of what part III will be of my "why Im not religious" article. It ma be something regarding a life after this life or maybe something on theism, atheism and agnosticism (subjects Ive already touched on in this blog). We'll see what happens and when it happens. Right now I'll concentrate on getting healthy.

The part of the mine thats above the ground. Its alot bigger below what you can see in the picture (that I feel doesnt make reality justice).

A pagan dies...

I found this little story on another blog and I thought I would publish it here as well:

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The Pagan asks, “Where am I?”

Peter says, “You’re at the gates of heaven.”

The Pagan says, “But I don’t believe in heaven.”

Peter frowns at him. “You’re one of those Pagans, aren’t you?”

“Yes. I believe I’m in the wrong place; I’m supposed to go to Summerland.”

Peter says, “Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it’s temporarily closed for remodeling.”

“What should I do now?”

Peter says, “Well, since we don’t allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left.”

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. “Hello, I’m Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?”

“Yes, I am. What’s going to happen now?”

Satan says, “Well, the fishing’s pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There’s a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill.”

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, “And what was THAT ???”

Satan rolls his eyes. “Oh, just ignore them. They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Chapter II - Amoralism

Ok so its time for Chapter II on why some of my foundational beliefs clash with those of the religious men and women of the world. This time the article is based on the nation that there does not exist a objectiv morality.

I for one does not believe that morals have no use. I absolutely think that morals and ehics are of great use but I lack a belief in the absolute existence of moral laws.

Religious people often claim that there is a right and a wrong way to conduct oneself. This set of morals derive from a static source, it does not change. This source is God, in their minds perfection itself. Using perfection to describe their God is a way to further claim that God is totally static. Think of it for a second. Nothing that is perfect can become less or else it wouldnt be perfect in staying perfect. If it were to ecome something more than it already is then i wasnt perfect in the first place. Now my basic premise is that all is change and I cant see how one can say that this change is perfect. Maybe perfect imperfection or alike is a better way to say it. It is nothing and it is all but neither by itself.

With this in mind there cant ever be anything static and this is also true of morals. Apart from my disbelief in any personal, anthopomorphic, concious gods or godesses this basic premise of the universe is in great conflict with the notion of static values.

My firm belief is that humans create values for themselves. Some of it is very similar all over the world, other things are area specific and some are even specific in a very small circle like a family. These can appear static but are always in more or less change. We are brought up with certain values some of which we cling to for the rest of our lives and some which we leave at a very early stage.

For Immanuel Kant the importance lies within how one acts and not what the result is. This is because he believed in a static morality and the action itself is regarded to be good or evil even before one can see the results. For me the value does not lie in the action itself, even if the intent can have a great importance too, but one really needs to see what the result is before judging. Christianity, islam and judaism are all filled with static morality that one even gets punished for breaking. Even a system which I think at its core is amoral like taoism does include notions of objective morals, or at the very least alot of readers have made interpretations like that when reading the tao the ching for example. Hinduism is very multi-faced but does include alot of static morality as well, or morality derived from the gods.

Ayn Rand writes:

The clearest symptom by which one can recognize [the amoralist] is his total inability to judge himself, his actions, or his work by any sort of standard. The normal pattern of self-appraisal requires a reference to some abstract value or virtue—e.g., “I am good because I am rational,” “I am good because I am honest,” even the second-hander’s notion of “I am good because people like me.” Regardless of whether the value-standards involved are true or false, these examples imply the recognition of an essential moral principle: that one’s own value has to be earned.

The amoralist’s implicit pattern of self-appraisal (which he seldom identifies or admits) is: “I am good because it’s me.”

Beyond the age of about three to five (i.e., beyond the perceptual level of mental development), this is not an expression of pride or self-esteem, but of the opposite: of a vacuum—of a stagnant, arrested mentality confessing its impotence to achieve any personal value or virtue.

Do not confuse this pattern with psychological subjectivism. A psychological subjectivist is unable fully to identify his values or to prove their objective validity, but he may be profoundly consistent and loyal to them in practice (though with terrible psycho-epistemological difficulty). The amoralist does not hold subjective values; he does not hold any values. The implicit pattern of all his estimates is: “It’s good because I like it”—“It’s right because I did it”—“It’s true because I want it to be true.” What is the “I” in these statements? A physical hulk driven by chronic anxiety.

This is where I disagree. I personally regard myself as amoralist but in the sense that refer to a lacking that the concepts of moral right and wrong have any absolute and objective existence. This does not mean that there are no morals or that I dont have any values. I absolutely have values, morals and goals. I really look up to some of these values and try to shape my lif after what I think would be ideal, but that is what would be ideal for me. Not for everyone else or even for someone else. Morals are ever changing and subjective. To create a society the illusion of static morals are very much a necessity though. Somehow alot of people can seem smart when alone but become idiots in a group. Without any morals there would probably be raging chaos everywhere. But then again I do not believe that man can exist without creating morals and values for him/herself and everyone else. They may not be static but some way there will always be some kind of system to keep people in line.

What happens next?

Right now I am dealing with something I dont now how to handle. I sent my ex a card for her birthday a week ago. My life has been shaping up lately but I got a response today. A nice thank you, explaining why she didnt answer sooner and a line how she hoped I was doing good. There was nothing wrong with it, no surprises or anything of the sort an I just couldnt handle it. I broke down. I have developed a defense mechanism which is running so I immediately went out for a run. It was about twice as long as usual and I believe it did help. I'm just sad now since I realize I hadnt come further in my recovery.

I cant even see her write to me. It all still comes back to me in a bad way. And if a basic response like this makes me react like this what happens when they move in together, when they get married or when she gets pregnant? As it feels right now I really dont want to know. Im not sure I can even stay friends with her even on this level (which is basically not speaking at all unless someone has a birthday).

There has been several things that have helped me the past few months. I met a really nice friend who is a great listener. I have a great old friend who has helped me alot and I met someone to send a recieve cute text messages from. I think I really have to rely on all the good things because I dont want to loose any of them. I think I need them to get over what has happened in my past. I need new goals and new desires to keep me strong. Nietzsche once said that what doesnt kill makes stronger. In every instant of my life this has been true but this is the worst I have probably ever been (in general that is, I was way worse back in february than I am now). I really hope Nietzsche was right in this instant and that I will make it out of this stronger than before but right now I need to deal with everything and I am not sure how. I sure as hell dont wanna loose any of the people that keeps me going because I cling to the past. I hope they can all help me see a brighter future.

I may regret writing this but since the blog from time to time has been serving as a diary of sorts this is how I feel right now at this moment. Lets see what happens next....

Reflections on my life

I went away this past weekend. It was a very welcomed change from all the normal things I usually do. While not everything went as I would have liked it with one guy staying at home last minute things turned out great on the actual trip. Now this guy who decided to not go did so out of laziness and we actually didnt go two weeks ago because he couldnt go wth us that weekend which caused me to cancel a gig this weekend because we planned our trip. It just shows poor character to blow things off like that without regards to what one has said before. Now I wont ever plan things around him anymore because tis is not the first time he changes his mind in the last minute.

Now it was me and a couple of friends who went away. A really nice little house by a great lake. We had lovely weather and had a good time. Both I and one of my friends have had a rough time the past few months (with him being just where I was emotionally a couple of months ago). I think both of us needed to get away and we did end up having a good time. There wasnt alot of people there since summer isnt truly here yet but we didnt need that this time around. We just hung out, had a few beers and relaxed.

Now getting home wasnt the most fun thing but at least I got my storage room today (finally after being occupied by some unknown persons belongings since I moved in just before new years). I have come to a more clear understanding as to what I need to do though. I try to act on everything I want. I really try to be more forward and open to new people. I also have seen a need to try new things which is why I have been thinking of maybe taking up school again and maybe study in another country or another town. At the very least Im thinking of getting a new job. We'll see where things end up. Right now I need to renovate my kitchen (both for my own liking and to raise the value of my apartment) and thats priority number one. Still things are getting easier by the day now and I hope I can keep going at a good pace and be at the very least satisfied for the moment with what I have and what I want to do.

Chapter I - Egoism

Alot of the posts here have been quotes or reflections upon existing, living, breathing religious traditions. And while I find all of them inspiring I can not say that I am religious. There are parts I hold very dear and close to heart but alot of other tings which I can't seem to agree on. From now on my mission is to create a few posts that reflects things that I believe in that does bring me into conflict with alot of religious traditions. Behold chapter one - "egoism".

Egoism

Alot of religious traditions are hostile towards the notion of the ego. It's someting that is seen as a thing to overcome since it hides the reality of the world. Now there is a basic difficulty in regards to what is meant by "ego". The word itself comes from latins "egō" which supposedly means "I". Usual definitions of ego consists of it being the most concious part of our self, the individual as self-aware or, as this dictionary puts it (in regards to psychoanalysis), "that part of the psyche which experiences the external world, or reality, through the senses, organizes the thought processes rationally, and governs action: it mediates between the impulses of the id, the demands of the environment, and the standards of the superego."

Now in hinduism the ego is bad because they say it conceals the truth that what we ultimately are (atman) is in reality a part of brahman (the ultimate reality). The distinction between the two is a created one because the ego interprets things as seperate from eachother while all is, in reality, one. Buddhism has a different approach in that they claim that man does not have a self at all (anatman). This is not to say that people does not exist but they claim that the whole world in reality is change and there is nothing stable. Therefore searching for a self or a core within man (or anything else) is like pealing a onion. We remove layer after layer but when we come to the core there is nothing there (sunyata). This has a strong relation to modern subatomic physics which claim that there is no atom at all (atom in the original meaning of the word as the smallest material building block from the greek word ἄτομος noun use of an adjective ‘indivisible’). It seems like everything is just energy in constant change which makes things appear solid.

Now I definately lean more towards the buddhist view that everything is all changing. The only thing that does not change is change itself. Therefore humans can't have a core self, a stale soul or anything along those lines. However I would like to argue that the use of sematicts such as "anatman", that there is no self at all, is misleading. In all this change of energy things do appear and while they may be maya (illusion) in regards o us not knowing what it really is (if there is no such thing as the smalles material building block) it does indeed exist. I exist, this table exists and you exist. My conciousness exists and is seated somewhere, somehow in this body that I call "myself". Therefore I argue that there is a self but that we need to recognize that it is ever changing, never standing still.

‘Ego’, sayest thou, and art proud of that word. But the greater thing—in which thou are unwilling to believe—is thy body with its big sagacity; it saith not ‘ego,’ but doeth it. (Nietzsche - Thus Spoke Zarathustra).

I prefer to look upon the ego as a part of this self. I have no exact definition but I do like the thought that it is like the tip of the iceberg. That part which interacts and gathers information from all things that is not "I" through the senses. Thst thing which is able to make distinctions. While all things come from the same source, that hidden dark force of change doesnt change the fact that all things can also be seen as seperate and it is indeed a critical need for us to even be able to live. In singularity there is multiplicity and reverse.

Egoism is the "doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action" (merriam webster). Now the word itself is very misinterpreted. Most people seem to equate it with "self interest without any regard for others". This would indeed be pure stupidity. Is it really self-beneficial to disregard everyone else? I think not. If one uses egoism like this that person will most likely fail to achieve his or her goals because they become to involved in their own world and loses the attachment to reality. So while they may think that they act in self-interest they are in reality making things worse for the own self which os course is never the goal of egoism.

One writer puts it in a really nice way which is better than I would be able to describe things:

In brief, egoism in its modern interpretation, is the antithesis, not of altruism, but of idealism. The ordinary man - the idealist - subordinates his interests to the interessts of his ideals, and usually suffers for it. The egoist is fooled by no ideals: he discards them or uses them, as may suit his own interest. If he likes to be altruistic, he will sacrifice himself for others; but only because he likes to do so; he demands no gratitude nor glory in return. (John Beverley Robinson)

Striving for self-preservation is natural and the want for growth for oneself is equally important or maybe even more important. I actually think that absolute altruism in itself is impossible which is also why the strife to destroy the ego never ever appealed to me. One can not ever do things without regard for his or her own self. Its not possible. One can help others, get injured while helping others and putting oneself in great danger because of others but it is never done without regard of ones own self-interest.

What would we be without a ego to interpret the world through? Ethical egoism claims that doing things in ones own self-interest is actually necessary but it say nothing on what one is supposed to do or how. In this way it is very amoral. It will not tell you what is good or bad. That is something that you have to decide or find out for yourself. Everything is relative in regards to oneself. Indeed everything, and I do mean everything, is relative according to my point of view. Well except change itself maybe ;-)

We are like individual waves on a ocean. Part of the big oneness of the massive amounts of water but also distinct from everything else since one can make out the individual waves. I say lets create a great wave for oneself, the wave in reality is change and movement in the water - with the water. Lets be as great as we can be until we roll up unto the shore and with a splash that ends our individual existence!

Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding.

25

There was something formless and perfect
before the universe was born.
It is serene. Empty.
Solitary. Unchanging.
Infinite. Eternally present.
It is the mother of the universe.
For lack of a better name,
I call it the Tao.

It flows through all things,
inside and outside, and returns
to the origin of all things.

The Tao is great.
The universe is great.
Earth is great.
Man is great.
These are the four great powers.

Man follows the earth.
Earth follows the universe.
The universe follows the Tao.
The Tao follows only itself.

Both the quote and the title to this post is from the "Tao The Ching" alledgedly by Lao Tzu.

The only thing that doesnt change is change itself.

She is naked and dark like a threatening rain cloud. She is dark, for she who is herself beyond mind and speach, reduces all things into that worldly "nothingness" which as the Void of all which we now know, is at the same time the All (purna) which is Light and Peace. . . . She stands upon the white corpse-like body of Shiva. He is white because He is illuminating transcendental aspect of Conciousness. He is inert because he is the changelss aspect of the Supreme, and she apparently changing aspect of the same. In truth, she and he are one and the same, being twin aspects of the One who is changelessness in, and exists as, change.

[quote by Sir John Woodroffe in the book "Kali - black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding]

On positives and neofolk.

I feel good today. Yes thats right the first time I have made a post dedicated only to feeling good. Now it doesnt mean it never happens its just that the blog became a way for me to express sadness, anger and other emotions in the same vein. I thought, "what the heck", and decided to go on and write a positive note. I had a few friends over for coffe just after I had been out running. Totally unexpected and very nice. We went ahead and planned a short weekend trip and it was just nice to sit and talk for a little while.

I also started to look into some new music. Folk, neofolk and dark ambient. Weird isnt it? Alot of that music has a melancholy feel to it and I search for it now when I feel really good. I found some good stuff in "Of the wand and the moon", "blood axis" and "omnia" to name a few. I will look deeper into music like this in the future.

The hole of isolation.

Isn't it weird how alone one can feel even though one has people around who are there for you? To experience this daily and also talk to these nice people daily. Being alone is not necessarilly something one is in the objective world but a mind set in the subjective world that one can't get out of and that tears one down.

How can one get out of the hole one digs for oneself? I don't know, but I try to go forward and if I hang in long enough I think I will learn a thing or two on my own self-rescue.

Satanism, Buddhism and Hinduism

Now I make a return to the religious quotations. This time on the connections between three religions that have had an effect on my way of looking at the world. The first quote comes from a message board and it deals with buddhist tantra metaphysics. It speaks about the void/sunyata/emptiness. The second quote is on hinduism and the tradition that looks upon the ultimate source as the mother, in this case Kali. The dynamic darkness that is the foundation of reality. The third quote comes from a organization called the satanic reds. I don't care for their political orientation but their metaphysical side is very interesting indeed. Here they use Satan as the ultimate symbol for, what I consider, to be the same thing as the void in buddhism, and kali in hinduism.

Originally posted as a part of the lashtal forums:
http://www.lashtal.com/nuke/PNphpBB2-viewtopic-t-2355-highlight-empty.phtml

You claim Dharmakaya is 'Wholly Other' but this is not held universally. Many Tantric Buddhists will claim "Nirvana is Samsara. Samsara is Nirvana." The point is the non-dual nature of it, I think. The idea of something being "Wholly Other" while devoid of duality (of "others") boggles my mind. Further, this enlightened consciousness isnt necessarily static. "Bede draws on a quote from a great Zen teacher, Suzuki, in which he said that 'Sunyata [what you claim is True Nature] is not static but dynamic.' ...In the void there is a constant urge to differentiate itself. And the whole creation is the differentiation of the void...At the very moment of the differentiation it returns to itself. It is always coming out and returning." The void flows out in differentiation and simultaneously returns to the void. "That is why the Buddhists say that Nirvana and Samsara are the same," says Fr. Bede. 'Ultimately they are one.'"

Really, I think contemplating whether a state that transcends dualities is dynamic or static, because it seems the description would transcend the dynamic/static duality as well, no? It is no doubt that if one manifests into the 'differentiated state' of normal consciousness there would at least appear to be a dynamic flow of things (time-space, causality, etc.) It is said, 'Before Satori, chop wood & carry water; after Satori, chop wood & carry water.'

The quote on hinduism comes from the book "KALI - the black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding:

You see her as black because you are far away from her. Go near and you will find her devoid of all color. The water of a lake appears black from a distance. Go near and take the water in your hand, and you will see it has no color at all. Similary, the sky looks blue from a distance. But look at the atmosphere near you; it has no color. The nearer you come to God, the more you will realize that he has neither name or form.

And:

In dense darkness, O Mother, Thy formless beauty sparkles;
Therefore yogis meditate in a dark mountain cave.
In the lap of boundless dark, on Mahanirvana's waves upborne,
Peace flows serene and inexhaustible.
Taking the form of the Void, in the robe of darkness wrapped,
Who art Thou, Mother, seated alone in the shrine of samadhi?
From the Lotus of Thy fear-scattering Feet flash Thy love's lightnings;
Thys Spirit-Face shines forth with laughter terrible and loud.

And now this is from the satanic reds:
http://www.apodion.com/vad/article.php?id=12&aid=145

1. Satan is the "dark force" that permeates all of nature and motivates all things to act according to their inner nature. The Boundless Darkness Itself is SAT. The ACTION of emanating out of, unfolding out of, springing forth, is TAN. The motivator and the act of motivating all things are together: Satan. Satan is that which is the origin of all and the unmoved mover, and it is described by both the unfolding and the thing unfolded: Satan

2. All things have a beginning where all was one.

3.The "big bang" came from a spark within the one Dark Presence and all that results from the "big bang" is permeated by the Dark Force. The universe was emanated by this force going from Chaos-Dark into Cosmos-Light.

4. All things, over time in the cosmos, become separate and change without ceasing to change.

5. All things are constantly motivated to change according to environment, and then they change the environment by being in it, of it: there is a dialectical interaction. If they do not do this they perish and go into dissolution; but this is not destruction; it is only more change.

6. All things are constantly motivated to change by inner urge. This is "Self Becoming" or "Self Evolving." All beings everywhere have it. Most living things have this solely and together with their own species, as if linked. When the individual becomes into, the species becomes into; in fact, large groups of similar living things speciate in this manner and diversify. A thing can not become what it is not already at it's inner core, at it's fundamental essence, nor can it resist becoming "what it is" as that center of itself moves forward in time. The thing "becomes into" what it is. One can have inner truth of what they are and actively increase their potentialities, or one can flow with what one is. If one resists it or tries to become, in the inner sense, what one is not, one will become Nothing - Klippoth.

7. All things have an individual characteristic, a unique identity that defines what they are and become. They are a singularly occurring event in time/space.

8. All things are ultimately connected, even if they appear to be separate, in the great web of life.

9. And all this is the esoteric meaning of "Do as Thou Wilt" for that truly is the whole of the Law, Cosmic Law and SAT-TAN-ic Law. The joyful act of Doing and Becoming-Into is Love. It is experienced as Joy. Being is Joy. Joy radiates Love just as the sun radiates light.

Now my belief is that they all describe the same reality but they all use different words. This of course has to do with traditions, geography and other such things. There are definately parts which are non-compatible between the different views but I think the base is the same. Non-dual, formless into form etc.

Now what differes the most is probably the practice. I for one do not want to be called a buddhist because I dont agree on the morals and the ethics that they subscribe to. The same may be said on the other two religions as well. In regards to hinduism I have a hard time with the very theistic bend. I never liked the word God or what it symbolizes as some conciousness, a being that acts upon his/her own will. Im not a theist and therefore I interpret hinduism symbolically. It does describe a reality that is very real but it is made into myth for people to easier connect with it. Fritjof Capras book "the tao of physics" describes this quite well, how religious myths can be connected to scientific discoveries and "truths".

The red hibiscus

After getting home from work and my every other day running I had a small breakdown. I decided to sit down and read one of my new books. I wont say which one or what it dealt with but it made me calm and I could loose myself in the book and what it described. The red hibiscus has something to do with this. For those who might know the connection - great. For those who dont - just enjoy the beautiful flower :)

In between sleep

I fell asleep earlier than planned today while waiting for a tv-show. Naturally I woke up and got ready for bed and couldnt go back to sleep. Im now up and I feel pretty good. Maybe Im tired enough for my brain to be relaxed but not as tired so that I can go ack to sleep. Whatever the reason I actually feel fine. Somewhat of a nice calm state of mind. Unfortunately there is work tomorrow and a few other things I need to do but right now that doesnt bother me that much.

I also helped a friend today who is experiencing much of the same stuff I do emotionally but for different reasons. I really recognized what this person said to me and while he reacted with anger and I usually react with sadness I recognized the ultimate source and thought patterns. In a way it was good for me to see someone react like I did. Not that I want my friend to be miserable but I think it was good for me to discuss things with someone who is doing alot of the same things I have been doing the last few months. It gave me some perspective and objectivity which may even become essential in my path towards future happiness. I just need to find that reason to keep on going.