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Right now I am dealing with something I dont now how to handle. I sent my ex a card for her birthday a week ago. My life has been shaping up lately but I got a response today. A nice thank you, explaining why she didnt answer sooner and a line how she hoped I was doing good. There was nothing wrong with it, no surprises or anything of the sort an I just couldnt handle it. I broke down. I have developed a defense mechanism which is running so I immediately went out for a run. It was about twice as long as usual and I believe it did help. I'm just sad now since I realize I hadnt come further in my recovery.
I cant even see her write to me. It all still comes back to me in a bad way. And if a basic response like this makes me react like this what happens when they move in together, when they get married or when she gets pregnant? As it feels right now I really dont want to know. Im not sure I can even stay friends with her even on this level (which is basically not speaking at all unless someone has a birthday).
There has been several things that have helped me the past few months. I met a really nice friend who is a great listener. I have a great old friend who has helped me alot and I met someone to send a recieve cute text messages from. I think I really have to rely on all the good things because I dont want to loose any of them. I think I need them to get over what has happened in my past. I need new goals and new desires to keep me strong. Nietzsche once said that what doesnt kill makes stronger. In every instant of my life this has been true but this is the worst I have probably ever been (in general that is, I was way worse back in february than I am now). I really hope Nietzsche was right in this instant and that I will make it out of this stronger than before but right now I need to deal with everything and I am not sure how. I sure as hell dont wanna loose any of the people that keeps me going because I cling to the past. I hope they can all help me see a brighter future.
I may regret writing this but since the blog from time to time has been serving as a diary of sorts this is how I feel right now at this moment. Lets see what happens next....
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2008
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May
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- A pagan dies...
- Chapter II - Amoralism
- What happens next?
- Reflections on my life
- Chapter I - Egoism
- Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all under...
- The only thing that doesnt change is change itself.
- On positives and neofolk.
- The hole of isolation.
- Satanism, Buddhism and Hinduism
- The red hibiscus
- In between sleep
- On the future...
- The rebirth....
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4 comments:
Hang in there brother. If you survive you will come out a stronger man. Been there done that myself and i know it´s hell.
But it will not last forever and if I may, I´d suggest you cut all ties to this woman/affair.
Try instead to find a new partner, try to go on with your life...
I'll stick to englih even though both of us are swedes ;)
Thanks for the encouraging words. I keep hearing that I should cut all ties. Its really hard but lately I have found myself telling a friend who's in a similar situation as me the same thing. I think ties will be cut because I cant really talk/write to her and she, for whatever reason, doesnt contact me.
I'm good in many ways but attracting the other sex is not one of my "abilities". I'm working on it though and I have met someone of interest and we text eachother so we'll see what happens there. At least its nice to see someone kind of interested.
And I try to live up to a fit ideal and this whole situation has helpes alot in that since its my therapy. Running every other day and when I dont run I do this small scheme of strength excercises at home. Im alot more fit now than I was half a year ago (and I wasnt unfit then).
Anyway, I enjoy your blog as well. I believe I was reading it even back in the day when it was called "traditionalism" (or was it just "traditionalist" cant remember). Some good stuff there man :)
Thanx :)
U write:
"And I try to live up to a fit ideal and this whole situation has helpes alot in that since its my therapy. Running every other day and when I dont run I do this small scheme of strength excercises at home. Im alot more fit now than I was half a year ago (and I wasnt unfit then)."
I actually remeber going trough exactly this same phase. More power to you man!
Because of sickness a few weeks back and then a knee injury I havent been that active recently but I cant wait to get out there again. I really love to get out there and train when I see the good results it produces.
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