A pagan dies...

I found this little story on another blog and I thought I would publish it here as well:

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The Pagan asks, “Where am I?”

Peter says, “You’re at the gates of heaven.”

The Pagan says, “But I don’t believe in heaven.”

Peter frowns at him. “You’re one of those Pagans, aren’t you?”

“Yes. I believe I’m in the wrong place; I’m supposed to go to Summerland.”

Peter says, “Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it’s temporarily closed for remodeling.”

“What should I do now?”

Peter says, “Well, since we don’t allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left.”

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. “Hello, I’m Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?”

“Yes, I am. What’s going to happen now?”

Satan says, “Well, the fishing’s pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There’s a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill.”

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, “And what was THAT ???”

Satan rolls his eyes. “Oh, just ignore them. They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Chapter II - Amoralism

Ok so its time for Chapter II on why some of my foundational beliefs clash with those of the religious men and women of the world. This time the article is based on the nation that there does not exist a objectiv morality.

I for one does not believe that morals have no use. I absolutely think that morals and ehics are of great use but I lack a belief in the absolute existence of moral laws.

Religious people often claim that there is a right and a wrong way to conduct oneself. This set of morals derive from a static source, it does not change. This source is God, in their minds perfection itself. Using perfection to describe their God is a way to further claim that God is totally static. Think of it for a second. Nothing that is perfect can become less or else it wouldnt be perfect in staying perfect. If it were to ecome something more than it already is then i wasnt perfect in the first place. Now my basic premise is that all is change and I cant see how one can say that this change is perfect. Maybe perfect imperfection or alike is a better way to say it. It is nothing and it is all but neither by itself.

With this in mind there cant ever be anything static and this is also true of morals. Apart from my disbelief in any personal, anthopomorphic, concious gods or godesses this basic premise of the universe is in great conflict with the notion of static values.

My firm belief is that humans create values for themselves. Some of it is very similar all over the world, other things are area specific and some are even specific in a very small circle like a family. These can appear static but are always in more or less change. We are brought up with certain values some of which we cling to for the rest of our lives and some which we leave at a very early stage.

For Immanuel Kant the importance lies within how one acts and not what the result is. This is because he believed in a static morality and the action itself is regarded to be good or evil even before one can see the results. For me the value does not lie in the action itself, even if the intent can have a great importance too, but one really needs to see what the result is before judging. Christianity, islam and judaism are all filled with static morality that one even gets punished for breaking. Even a system which I think at its core is amoral like taoism does include notions of objective morals, or at the very least alot of readers have made interpretations like that when reading the tao the ching for example. Hinduism is very multi-faced but does include alot of static morality as well, or morality derived from the gods.

Ayn Rand writes:

The clearest symptom by which one can recognize [the amoralist] is his total inability to judge himself, his actions, or his work by any sort of standard. The normal pattern of self-appraisal requires a reference to some abstract value or virtue—e.g., “I am good because I am rational,” “I am good because I am honest,” even the second-hander’s notion of “I am good because people like me.” Regardless of whether the value-standards involved are true or false, these examples imply the recognition of an essential moral principle: that one’s own value has to be earned.

The amoralist’s implicit pattern of self-appraisal (which he seldom identifies or admits) is: “I am good because it’s me.”

Beyond the age of about three to five (i.e., beyond the perceptual level of mental development), this is not an expression of pride or self-esteem, but of the opposite: of a vacuum—of a stagnant, arrested mentality confessing its impotence to achieve any personal value or virtue.

Do not confuse this pattern with psychological subjectivism. A psychological subjectivist is unable fully to identify his values or to prove their objective validity, but he may be profoundly consistent and loyal to them in practice (though with terrible psycho-epistemological difficulty). The amoralist does not hold subjective values; he does not hold any values. The implicit pattern of all his estimates is: “It’s good because I like it”—“It’s right because I did it”—“It’s true because I want it to be true.” What is the “I” in these statements? A physical hulk driven by chronic anxiety.

This is where I disagree. I personally regard myself as amoralist but in the sense that refer to a lacking that the concepts of moral right and wrong have any absolute and objective existence. This does not mean that there are no morals or that I dont have any values. I absolutely have values, morals and goals. I really look up to some of these values and try to shape my lif after what I think would be ideal, but that is what would be ideal for me. Not for everyone else or even for someone else. Morals are ever changing and subjective. To create a society the illusion of static morals are very much a necessity though. Somehow alot of people can seem smart when alone but become idiots in a group. Without any morals there would probably be raging chaos everywhere. But then again I do not believe that man can exist without creating morals and values for him/herself and everyone else. They may not be static but some way there will always be some kind of system to keep people in line.

What happens next?

Right now I am dealing with something I dont now how to handle. I sent my ex a card for her birthday a week ago. My life has been shaping up lately but I got a response today. A nice thank you, explaining why she didnt answer sooner and a line how she hoped I was doing good. There was nothing wrong with it, no surprises or anything of the sort an I just couldnt handle it. I broke down. I have developed a defense mechanism which is running so I immediately went out for a run. It was about twice as long as usual and I believe it did help. I'm just sad now since I realize I hadnt come further in my recovery.

I cant even see her write to me. It all still comes back to me in a bad way. And if a basic response like this makes me react like this what happens when they move in together, when they get married or when she gets pregnant? As it feels right now I really dont want to know. Im not sure I can even stay friends with her even on this level (which is basically not speaking at all unless someone has a birthday).

There has been several things that have helped me the past few months. I met a really nice friend who is a great listener. I have a great old friend who has helped me alot and I met someone to send a recieve cute text messages from. I think I really have to rely on all the good things because I dont want to loose any of them. I think I need them to get over what has happened in my past. I need new goals and new desires to keep me strong. Nietzsche once said that what doesnt kill makes stronger. In every instant of my life this has been true but this is the worst I have probably ever been (in general that is, I was way worse back in february than I am now). I really hope Nietzsche was right in this instant and that I will make it out of this stronger than before but right now I need to deal with everything and I am not sure how. I sure as hell dont wanna loose any of the people that keeps me going because I cling to the past. I hope they can all help me see a brighter future.

I may regret writing this but since the blog from time to time has been serving as a diary of sorts this is how I feel right now at this moment. Lets see what happens next....

Reflections on my life

I went away this past weekend. It was a very welcomed change from all the normal things I usually do. While not everything went as I would have liked it with one guy staying at home last minute things turned out great on the actual trip. Now this guy who decided to not go did so out of laziness and we actually didnt go two weeks ago because he couldnt go wth us that weekend which caused me to cancel a gig this weekend because we planned our trip. It just shows poor character to blow things off like that without regards to what one has said before. Now I wont ever plan things around him anymore because tis is not the first time he changes his mind in the last minute.

Now it was me and a couple of friends who went away. A really nice little house by a great lake. We had lovely weather and had a good time. Both I and one of my friends have had a rough time the past few months (with him being just where I was emotionally a couple of months ago). I think both of us needed to get away and we did end up having a good time. There wasnt alot of people there since summer isnt truly here yet but we didnt need that this time around. We just hung out, had a few beers and relaxed.

Now getting home wasnt the most fun thing but at least I got my storage room today (finally after being occupied by some unknown persons belongings since I moved in just before new years). I have come to a more clear understanding as to what I need to do though. I try to act on everything I want. I really try to be more forward and open to new people. I also have seen a need to try new things which is why I have been thinking of maybe taking up school again and maybe study in another country or another town. At the very least Im thinking of getting a new job. We'll see where things end up. Right now I need to renovate my kitchen (both for my own liking and to raise the value of my apartment) and thats priority number one. Still things are getting easier by the day now and I hope I can keep going at a good pace and be at the very least satisfied for the moment with what I have and what I want to do.

Chapter I - Egoism

Alot of the posts here have been quotes or reflections upon existing, living, breathing religious traditions. And while I find all of them inspiring I can not say that I am religious. There are parts I hold very dear and close to heart but alot of other tings which I can't seem to agree on. From now on my mission is to create a few posts that reflects things that I believe in that does bring me into conflict with alot of religious traditions. Behold chapter one - "egoism".

Egoism

Alot of religious traditions are hostile towards the notion of the ego. It's someting that is seen as a thing to overcome since it hides the reality of the world. Now there is a basic difficulty in regards to what is meant by "ego". The word itself comes from latins "egō" which supposedly means "I". Usual definitions of ego consists of it being the most concious part of our self, the individual as self-aware or, as this dictionary puts it (in regards to psychoanalysis), "that part of the psyche which experiences the external world, or reality, through the senses, organizes the thought processes rationally, and governs action: it mediates between the impulses of the id, the demands of the environment, and the standards of the superego."

Now in hinduism the ego is bad because they say it conceals the truth that what we ultimately are (atman) is in reality a part of brahman (the ultimate reality). The distinction between the two is a created one because the ego interprets things as seperate from eachother while all is, in reality, one. Buddhism has a different approach in that they claim that man does not have a self at all (anatman). This is not to say that people does not exist but they claim that the whole world in reality is change and there is nothing stable. Therefore searching for a self or a core within man (or anything else) is like pealing a onion. We remove layer after layer but when we come to the core there is nothing there (sunyata). This has a strong relation to modern subatomic physics which claim that there is no atom at all (atom in the original meaning of the word as the smallest material building block from the greek word ἄτομος noun use of an adjective ‘indivisible’). It seems like everything is just energy in constant change which makes things appear solid.

Now I definately lean more towards the buddhist view that everything is all changing. The only thing that does not change is change itself. Therefore humans can't have a core self, a stale soul or anything along those lines. However I would like to argue that the use of sematicts such as "anatman", that there is no self at all, is misleading. In all this change of energy things do appear and while they may be maya (illusion) in regards o us not knowing what it really is (if there is no such thing as the smalles material building block) it does indeed exist. I exist, this table exists and you exist. My conciousness exists and is seated somewhere, somehow in this body that I call "myself". Therefore I argue that there is a self but that we need to recognize that it is ever changing, never standing still.

‘Ego’, sayest thou, and art proud of that word. But the greater thing—in which thou are unwilling to believe—is thy body with its big sagacity; it saith not ‘ego,’ but doeth it. (Nietzsche - Thus Spoke Zarathustra).

I prefer to look upon the ego as a part of this self. I have no exact definition but I do like the thought that it is like the tip of the iceberg. That part which interacts and gathers information from all things that is not "I" through the senses. Thst thing which is able to make distinctions. While all things come from the same source, that hidden dark force of change doesnt change the fact that all things can also be seen as seperate and it is indeed a critical need for us to even be able to live. In singularity there is multiplicity and reverse.

Egoism is the "doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action" (merriam webster). Now the word itself is very misinterpreted. Most people seem to equate it with "self interest without any regard for others". This would indeed be pure stupidity. Is it really self-beneficial to disregard everyone else? I think not. If one uses egoism like this that person will most likely fail to achieve his or her goals because they become to involved in their own world and loses the attachment to reality. So while they may think that they act in self-interest they are in reality making things worse for the own self which os course is never the goal of egoism.

One writer puts it in a really nice way which is better than I would be able to describe things:

In brief, egoism in its modern interpretation, is the antithesis, not of altruism, but of idealism. The ordinary man - the idealist - subordinates his interests to the interessts of his ideals, and usually suffers for it. The egoist is fooled by no ideals: he discards them or uses them, as may suit his own interest. If he likes to be altruistic, he will sacrifice himself for others; but only because he likes to do so; he demands no gratitude nor glory in return. (John Beverley Robinson)

Striving for self-preservation is natural and the want for growth for oneself is equally important or maybe even more important. I actually think that absolute altruism in itself is impossible which is also why the strife to destroy the ego never ever appealed to me. One can not ever do things without regard for his or her own self. Its not possible. One can help others, get injured while helping others and putting oneself in great danger because of others but it is never done without regard of ones own self-interest.

What would we be without a ego to interpret the world through? Ethical egoism claims that doing things in ones own self-interest is actually necessary but it say nothing on what one is supposed to do or how. In this way it is very amoral. It will not tell you what is good or bad. That is something that you have to decide or find out for yourself. Everything is relative in regards to oneself. Indeed everything, and I do mean everything, is relative according to my point of view. Well except change itself maybe ;-)

We are like individual waves on a ocean. Part of the big oneness of the massive amounts of water but also distinct from everything else since one can make out the individual waves. I say lets create a great wave for oneself, the wave in reality is change and movement in the water - with the water. Lets be as great as we can be until we roll up unto the shore and with a splash that ends our individual existence!

Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding.

25

There was something formless and perfect
before the universe was born.
It is serene. Empty.
Solitary. Unchanging.
Infinite. Eternally present.
It is the mother of the universe.
For lack of a better name,
I call it the Tao.

It flows through all things,
inside and outside, and returns
to the origin of all things.

The Tao is great.
The universe is great.
Earth is great.
Man is great.
These are the four great powers.

Man follows the earth.
Earth follows the universe.
The universe follows the Tao.
The Tao follows only itself.

Both the quote and the title to this post is from the "Tao The Ching" alledgedly by Lao Tzu.

The only thing that doesnt change is change itself.

She is naked and dark like a threatening rain cloud. She is dark, for she who is herself beyond mind and speach, reduces all things into that worldly "nothingness" which as the Void of all which we now know, is at the same time the All (purna) which is Light and Peace. . . . She stands upon the white corpse-like body of Shiva. He is white because He is illuminating transcendental aspect of Conciousness. He is inert because he is the changelss aspect of the Supreme, and she apparently changing aspect of the same. In truth, she and he are one and the same, being twin aspects of the One who is changelessness in, and exists as, change.

[quote by Sir John Woodroffe in the book "Kali - black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding]

On positives and neofolk.

I feel good today. Yes thats right the first time I have made a post dedicated only to feeling good. Now it doesnt mean it never happens its just that the blog became a way for me to express sadness, anger and other emotions in the same vein. I thought, "what the heck", and decided to go on and write a positive note. I had a few friends over for coffe just after I had been out running. Totally unexpected and very nice. We went ahead and planned a short weekend trip and it was just nice to sit and talk for a little while.

I also started to look into some new music. Folk, neofolk and dark ambient. Weird isnt it? Alot of that music has a melancholy feel to it and I search for it now when I feel really good. I found some good stuff in "Of the wand and the moon", "blood axis" and "omnia" to name a few. I will look deeper into music like this in the future.

The hole of isolation.

Isn't it weird how alone one can feel even though one has people around who are there for you? To experience this daily and also talk to these nice people daily. Being alone is not necessarilly something one is in the objective world but a mind set in the subjective world that one can't get out of and that tears one down.

How can one get out of the hole one digs for oneself? I don't know, but I try to go forward and if I hang in long enough I think I will learn a thing or two on my own self-rescue.

Satanism, Buddhism and Hinduism

Now I make a return to the religious quotations. This time on the connections between three religions that have had an effect on my way of looking at the world. The first quote comes from a message board and it deals with buddhist tantra metaphysics. It speaks about the void/sunyata/emptiness. The second quote is on hinduism and the tradition that looks upon the ultimate source as the mother, in this case Kali. The dynamic darkness that is the foundation of reality. The third quote comes from a organization called the satanic reds. I don't care for their political orientation but their metaphysical side is very interesting indeed. Here they use Satan as the ultimate symbol for, what I consider, to be the same thing as the void in buddhism, and kali in hinduism.

Originally posted as a part of the lashtal forums:
http://www.lashtal.com/nuke/PNphpBB2-viewtopic-t-2355-highlight-empty.phtml

You claim Dharmakaya is 'Wholly Other' but this is not held universally. Many Tantric Buddhists will claim "Nirvana is Samsara. Samsara is Nirvana." The point is the non-dual nature of it, I think. The idea of something being "Wholly Other" while devoid of duality (of "others") boggles my mind. Further, this enlightened consciousness isnt necessarily static. "Bede draws on a quote from a great Zen teacher, Suzuki, in which he said that 'Sunyata [what you claim is True Nature] is not static but dynamic.' ...In the void there is a constant urge to differentiate itself. And the whole creation is the differentiation of the void...At the very moment of the differentiation it returns to itself. It is always coming out and returning." The void flows out in differentiation and simultaneously returns to the void. "That is why the Buddhists say that Nirvana and Samsara are the same," says Fr. Bede. 'Ultimately they are one.'"

Really, I think contemplating whether a state that transcends dualities is dynamic or static, because it seems the description would transcend the dynamic/static duality as well, no? It is no doubt that if one manifests into the 'differentiated state' of normal consciousness there would at least appear to be a dynamic flow of things (time-space, causality, etc.) It is said, 'Before Satori, chop wood & carry water; after Satori, chop wood & carry water.'

The quote on hinduism comes from the book "KALI - the black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding:

You see her as black because you are far away from her. Go near and you will find her devoid of all color. The water of a lake appears black from a distance. Go near and take the water in your hand, and you will see it has no color at all. Similary, the sky looks blue from a distance. But look at the atmosphere near you; it has no color. The nearer you come to God, the more you will realize that he has neither name or form.

And:

In dense darkness, O Mother, Thy formless beauty sparkles;
Therefore yogis meditate in a dark mountain cave.
In the lap of boundless dark, on Mahanirvana's waves upborne,
Peace flows serene and inexhaustible.
Taking the form of the Void, in the robe of darkness wrapped,
Who art Thou, Mother, seated alone in the shrine of samadhi?
From the Lotus of Thy fear-scattering Feet flash Thy love's lightnings;
Thys Spirit-Face shines forth with laughter terrible and loud.

And now this is from the satanic reds:
http://www.apodion.com/vad/article.php?id=12&aid=145

1. Satan is the "dark force" that permeates all of nature and motivates all things to act according to their inner nature. The Boundless Darkness Itself is SAT. The ACTION of emanating out of, unfolding out of, springing forth, is TAN. The motivator and the act of motivating all things are together: Satan. Satan is that which is the origin of all and the unmoved mover, and it is described by both the unfolding and the thing unfolded: Satan

2. All things have a beginning where all was one.

3.The "big bang" came from a spark within the one Dark Presence and all that results from the "big bang" is permeated by the Dark Force. The universe was emanated by this force going from Chaos-Dark into Cosmos-Light.

4. All things, over time in the cosmos, become separate and change without ceasing to change.

5. All things are constantly motivated to change according to environment, and then they change the environment by being in it, of it: there is a dialectical interaction. If they do not do this they perish and go into dissolution; but this is not destruction; it is only more change.

6. All things are constantly motivated to change by inner urge. This is "Self Becoming" or "Self Evolving." All beings everywhere have it. Most living things have this solely and together with their own species, as if linked. When the individual becomes into, the species becomes into; in fact, large groups of similar living things speciate in this manner and diversify. A thing can not become what it is not already at it's inner core, at it's fundamental essence, nor can it resist becoming "what it is" as that center of itself moves forward in time. The thing "becomes into" what it is. One can have inner truth of what they are and actively increase their potentialities, or one can flow with what one is. If one resists it or tries to become, in the inner sense, what one is not, one will become Nothing - Klippoth.

7. All things have an individual characteristic, a unique identity that defines what they are and become. They are a singularly occurring event in time/space.

8. All things are ultimately connected, even if they appear to be separate, in the great web of life.

9. And all this is the esoteric meaning of "Do as Thou Wilt" for that truly is the whole of the Law, Cosmic Law and SAT-TAN-ic Law. The joyful act of Doing and Becoming-Into is Love. It is experienced as Joy. Being is Joy. Joy radiates Love just as the sun radiates light.

Now my belief is that they all describe the same reality but they all use different words. This of course has to do with traditions, geography and other such things. There are definately parts which are non-compatible between the different views but I think the base is the same. Non-dual, formless into form etc.

Now what differes the most is probably the practice. I for one do not want to be called a buddhist because I dont agree on the morals and the ethics that they subscribe to. The same may be said on the other two religions as well. In regards to hinduism I have a hard time with the very theistic bend. I never liked the word God or what it symbolizes as some conciousness, a being that acts upon his/her own will. Im not a theist and therefore I interpret hinduism symbolically. It does describe a reality that is very real but it is made into myth for people to easier connect with it. Fritjof Capras book "the tao of physics" describes this quite well, how religious myths can be connected to scientific discoveries and "truths".

The red hibiscus

After getting home from work and my every other day running I had a small breakdown. I decided to sit down and read one of my new books. I wont say which one or what it dealt with but it made me calm and I could loose myself in the book and what it described. The red hibiscus has something to do with this. For those who might know the connection - great. For those who dont - just enjoy the beautiful flower :)

In between sleep

I fell asleep earlier than planned today while waiting for a tv-show. Naturally I woke up and got ready for bed and couldnt go back to sleep. Im now up and I feel pretty good. Maybe Im tired enough for my brain to be relaxed but not as tired so that I can go ack to sleep. Whatever the reason I actually feel fine. Somewhat of a nice calm state of mind. Unfortunately there is work tomorrow and a few other things I need to do but right now that doesnt bother me that much.

I also helped a friend today who is experiencing much of the same stuff I do emotionally but for different reasons. I really recognized what this person said to me and while he reacted with anger and I usually react with sadness I recognized the ultimate source and thought patterns. In a way it was good for me to see someone react like I did. Not that I want my friend to be miserable but I think it was good for me to discuss things with someone who is doing alot of the same things I have been doing the last few months. It gave me some perspective and objectivity which may even become essential in my path towards future happiness. I just need to find that reason to keep on going.

On the future...

So I have been thinking of what the next move would be for this blog. I am somewhat going back to my interest in religion and philosophy after months when I have had other tings to deal with. I ordered two books on the godess Kali and Im looking for a swedish translations of "thus spoke zarathustra" in pocket format.

I've been thinking of doing an article on why this blog is actually called "Ephesos 2.0". I dont know when it will happen but thats been my intention since this blog started. Im actually surprised I havent gotten around doing it yet.

At the same time I havent gotten over what happened this year and all the emotional trouble I have had. Its been less and some things in my life has helped me getting over it. Some other things have, unfortunately, made it probably worse than if I had done something else. Anyway I am on the road to recovery. Yesterday I did the girly thing and went shopping. I was picking up a "anaal nathrakh" shirt however I didnt try it on and now I have to get it back. Gotta need to get it ina smaller size and the printing was misplaced on the one I bought (to my defence it was ordered and I just picked it up at a store, normally I do try on new clothes before I buy them).

I guess one can say that I dont know what the future holds. My ex's birthday is coming up and I dont know if I should send her a card. Last time we spoke we did make peace and said to eachother than we would be friends. However neither of us have said a single thing to the other since then. As I said to one of my new friends that even though I wish to be a good friend and not let my emotions control me to much I am afraid that I may get to hear information that I do not wish to hear if I do contact her. I dont wanna come off as an ass not caring either so at the moment I dont know what to do. I think I need something or someone that can make me look upon the future and wanting to experience it. Right now my outlooks are survival. I have no concrete positive goals other than that. It may sound harsh and maybe I use way to big words to describe it but I have lost my passion and flame. All I want is to regain it.

The positives of all this is that I started training again. I now run every other day and my pant are starting to magically become bigger so I need new ones. I also just started doing som strength stuff. No gymming just basic stuff at home. This makes me think of nothing at all except what Im doing and its really nice to be able to clear my mind. My greatest and worst attribute is that I think alot and in bad times it often becomes a bad thing.

Anyway its nice to write here again. For a while it became to much for me but I now feel alot better about this whole thing. Once again it helps me get things off my chest in a good way.

The rebirth....

After a pretty long break I have been thinking of going back to writing on this blog. I felt that the posts had become to similar and I also felt that the blog had turned into some huge negative thing where I would only complain about stuff. The original thought was for this to be absolutely non-personal. It was supposed to deal with religion and philosophy. Granted it was all _my_ views and _my_ interests but never on a more personal level. After a while and some happenings in real life this somehow turned into a diary of negativity. As of right now I hope I can blend both of these aspects into one whole. I realize that if I am to continue to keep this blog alive I have to include alot of different topics and not just a few selected subjects.

The revival of my bog also comes from the fact that I have realized its not just my personal forum but I now know others have been reading what I write and some, well it should read _one_, has actually commented on how she enjoys reading it.

I am still struggling to find my way again and even if the the lyrics in the post below (that belongs to an awfully bad song I might add) still somehow rings true things are getting alot better. I have some new contacts that has made me happier and a friend has moved back home after living in another country for a few months. I hope this is all signs of help for me to recover. I still slip occasionally but it is getting easier to stand up again. And if this doesnt kill me I damn sure hope it will make me stronger. To rise from the ashes like a phoenix even stronger than before.

Balads

Ever since you left me I just can't go on
No I can't even read the news today
'Cause everything reminds me of yesterday

Contradicting my self.

Now read the post just under this one and then come back and read this.

Done? Ok, I just wanted to say that this past night wasn't good at all. Every night since I started feeling bad has actually been ok. During the actual night when I have been asleep I have truly been asleep. Deep and good sleep (which may be why I never wanted to wake up in the mornings). However the night to today was very different. While I dont want to call it a nightmare it sure wasnt a nice dream. Actually I dont really remember what happened but it was one of those dreams where someone acted in a way and didnt understand that it really hurt me. Kind of doing stuff that made me feel really bad without them realizing they did it. Now I have had these kind of dreams with different people in them in the apst as well (we're talking years and years ago) but obviously it was different this time around in regards to my situation.

I truly hope that I wont be dreaming alot of non-good stuff in the future. I do not wish to wake up like I did today.


On another note, I was actually at a local hockey game last night. It was a big thing since it was free to attend and the sponsors gave the local team money for every person in the arena. It was full with over 2000 people there. Quite the turn out I would say. Im not a big sports fan and the two first periods were so so but the third actually picked up some pace and it was pretty exciting. It was an importan match and my team won with 5 to 4 in the end. Christoffer was there with me and overall I had a nice time. Its good to do things one doesnt usually do.

On the future of the blog.

I have been thinking and I think this blog has become a little bit to predictable. I seem to say the same things over and over lately. Its because I constantly think of these things and quite frankly I have a hard time breaking free from certain negative thought patterns. But I can only write about how bad I feel every morning before its not just boring to eventual readers but also serves no purpose for me. At first it was a great output but I feel like I dont need it at this moment. Im sure that I will write about certain things again but I will try to cut down on it because it no longer serves a purpose. And if I feel that I need to write to release certain emotions then I can always do so even if it contradics this post ;)

Anyway, I thought all my (imaginary) readers should know that.

Meshuggah

Lately I have been listening to Meshuggah alot. I dont know why but I think their music in combination with my mood is a great match. Its hard and heavy but also pretty meditative. I always appreciated their slowest stuff the most, like Catch 33. However I have been listening to Nothing as well as the more crazy stuff like Chaosphere. I have also been trying their new album ObZen and sometimes I like it and sometimes its just there doing nothing for me (positive or negative). I'll keep giving it a few chances to see what my final verdict will be.

The face

Its Monday and its morning again. That face is back in my head, mocking, making fun of me. Monday mornings are the worst. While I work Im usually so caught up in it that it feels safe and Im worrying about the weekend. While Im off work and have a good weekend (like this one that just passed) I hate going back to work. Even more so of course when my "morning illness" is back. While it isnt full force anymore it still sucks.

On a forum someone asked what one wuld ask for if you knew you would get to know the truth. Alot of people of course had big questions which regarded the secrets of the universe, the existance of God etc. My question would be the most important though. "How will I find happiness?" Remember kids one can live without alot of things but if you dont have happiness you dont really have a life worth living.

Synthesis of imagery.

A chaotic view on the current situation.

However, if you want a one-line definition with which most Chaoists would probably not disagree, then I offer the following. Chaoists usually accept the meta-belief that belief is a tool for achieving effects; it is not an end in itself. (Pete Carroll)

Now I have been increasingly interested in something I would like to call philosophical chaotism. Actually it was something I wrote when I was supposed to describe my religious views on facebook. I just wrote "philosophical chaote" without much thought. It was meant to be mysterious and not obvious. Now Im no magician so to call myself a chaos magician would be wrong but I really like the underlying way of thinking in this movement. Its the results that count and not if the way one goes about to get to them is true or holds a objective truth. They can invoke the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael in a ritual to move towards whatever goal they strive for. Now the actual existence in Raphael has nothing to do with anything. Whats important is if the desired effect of the ritual is gained.

Now these past few days I have been very comfortable in the thought that all things happen for a reason. This is something I turned to a few years ago when I was feeling down as well and somehow, some way it gave me comfort. Its not what I really believe but it doesnt matter. It gives me comfort to believe that for whatever reason there is a purpose to me going through what Im going through right now.

Now Im critical of that kind of deterministic thought - you know if I would speak in public on my beliefs in the universe and how things work. But with the increased pain I felt a few weeks ago my viewpoint changed. It has been mostly about the big picture for such a long time. Now I was feeling bad and suddenly all that mattered was that I wanted to feel better. All the big metaphysical theories was cast down, or left behind. Not that I didnt believe in certain things but that they werent important anymore. To long had I been focusing on transcendent thoughts, dreams and theories. So much so that when I lost one of my "safe pillars" I fell really hard and really fast. I needed to think about me, about relations between humans with differing opinions and just getting through life. Now not everything is based on the way I was thinking about stuff, "real world" situations also helped alot but I discovered, just like I did years before, that a basic view on life that "all things happen for a reason" was helping me mentally getting through certain emotions.

Now everything may have a reason as to why it happens. Im not so much against that as I am againt the general associations with that kind of view on life. The determination of all things through a "higher conciousness" or through cause and effect or any other belief like that. Now I dont believe in free will either so I guess Im not really a proponent of any side here (much unlike many religious people, at least christians, who somehow finds logic to believe in both determinism and free will at the same time). Its as easy as me feeling better in times of crisis with a view on life that there is some reason behind what has caused me pain. I probably somehow make up that reason as I go along the path of life but the belief that its already there is very much comforting. Once I felt better I abandoned that kind of thinking. Maybe I will this time around as well. maybe that will be the "reason" as to why this happened. Now that sentence was full of contradiction but it does make sense. Well it does to me at least. But then again this comes from a guy who believes the all come from none and that the core of all things we can see hear, touch, feel etc really is nothingness.

During a class in philosophy a person once said that he would rather be sad and know how things really were rather than be happy and be blind to the truth. Now its an admireable position to have but having just been through terrible sadness I can say that at this moment I would rather be happy and ignorant towards the truth rather than knowing all truths in the world (if there are indeed a things such as truth) and be miserable. I sometimes see my interest in metaphysics as a curse for just this reason. Because of my knowledge and extended ways to think about stuff that cant be grasped (probably ever) I think I have lost alot of the joy in actually living. One of the things I felt my ex was doing was to just accept life and to live it. Im not saying she never encounter bad things or never feel bad but her basic outlook is very much going with the flow and accepting things as they are. I really miss that part of my life and of course I miss her bringing that view into my life. I always overthink and overanalyze. Heck, just look at this long ass post. Its probably taken me close to an hour to think of how to write and express how I feel in a blog that no one even reads. Isnt that the truth?

The day after...

So as usual Im not really hungover the day after some good drinking. Sundays are usually pretty useless and even more so nowadays with my personal problems but I wont focus on that actually. Yesterday I bought a desk where I now have my computer and its fits inr eally well with my black and white wall. The one negative is that the surface is very easily damaged with skratches and such. I really should to something about it.

I also bought two carpets and they both fits in nicely. One of them will probably go well with the couch which has been ordered and will be delivered at the end of the month. I also bought a hat-rack which I hope to be able to screw up on the wall during the day (depends on my father and the screwdriver).

So things are starting to fall into place in regards to the design of the appartment. All the small stuff is still on the "to do" list but I dont want to do that until my couch arrives so I know how the curtains will go with the color of the couch etc. Im sure it will be good in the end. I am happy with how things have turned out so far.

However the renovation of the kitchen will take its time. I dont think it will be ready until the summer but we'll see. As of right now I dont even have any good ideas for how it should look. Oh well, I guess it'll come to me eventually.

I think today will be the big cleaning day. As things start to fall into place I get more and more annoyed when things are scattered all over the appartment. I pretty much have everything I need to put most things away and to keep things nice and clean. I still have to wait until I can get into my repository though. I dont really like that because it means that I still have some boxes in my appartment which really shouldnt be here.

I may post pics of the appartment when everything is in place (and if Im happy with it). Need to buy a proper camera first though.

Now playing - Machine Head "blood for blood".

Bloging under the influence part III

Yep, the second day in a row but not really any negative feelings this time around. Sure I was probably passed out for an hour or two before I got home but still I almost didnt think of the things that usually trouble my mind. It was really nice for a change. So I agtually doesnt have to much to write about now. I pretty much stay awake to not go to bed to drunk. Surprisingly enough I think my spelling is really damn good for having drunk several beers during the night. Nothings tronger though which may explain some stuff.

Oh well, we'll see when I write next. Hopefully its with good news :)

Bloging under the influence part II

I have nothing much to write this time around except that I felt like half a man when I sat alone on the train to get home from the pre-listening session of my band latest album. While I have almost never had the opportunity to hold someones hand on my way home I sure did miss it tonight. I guess its my mind playing tricks on me when Im drunk. We'll see what happens tomorrow when there will be more drinking going on.

Over and out.

An update!

So its been a while since I last wrote here (well compared to how much stuff I put up here the past few weeks anyway). So here's and update on whats going on in my life.

This past Monday my ex came online to talk to me. She started by wanting to discuss the past which I was against because I didnt want any more arguing about it. I was just trying to come to terms with the fact that we had very seperate views on what happened. Right now it doesnt matter, it has happened, it caused me great pain so I didnt want to talk about it. However she did and I kept calm and it went good. Then I proceeded to tell her I was sorry for my behaviour (I still regret acting to much "in the moment" when I first learned about her future plans). However she told me it was her who should appologize ("I am sorry I have hurt you so much without realising"). I accepted the appology and it did feel better.

After this chat I have been feeling a little bit better overall. Before the chat I had a hard time focusing with thoughts just running wild in my head. I could not hold on to anything except for a few days when all I had in my head was one thing. This one day it was the phrase "it should have been me". That has for the most part disappeared.

Now it still hurts but its good to know that I didnt make her my enemy (or even non-friend) in the process of the grief I felt over losing her. The dream I had was often so vivid. I imagined us getting married, getting a house and I cans till see her proud face in my head when I imagine that shes pregnant. Im sure she will be just as proud as I have imagined just not with me as the father. Thats probably what hurts the most. I really wanted to have a family with her.

Now we have put the arguing behind us and have said to eachother that we will be friends. I have no doubt that we wont argue much again but I dont know how much we will actually stay in touch. I guess the future has all the answers to all the questions regarding that aspect of things. I do want to be there for her but she has so many friends alot closer than I am (at the very least in regards to distance) and she now is in a very serious relationship. Ah well...

So just two months into buying my own place I fell into a depression because of this and even though Im feeling better every day now I still think of doing something about my dreams. No I will not hit on my ex but I am thinking of moving. Not right now or even within the coming year but I am searching for info on what to think of and stuff like that. Of course Birmingham wouldnt be very good or maybe even England as a whole. Even though I love that country. It would be weird and probably inappropriate. I have been thinking of the Netherlands though. I dont know why really but it just popped into my head one day. Im not a drug user and I dont pay for sex so that is not the reason ;) I dont even know how serious this is but it does help me getting through a tough time so I guess that so far its been constructive. I have even been thinking of taking a class in dutch this autumn (an after work kind of thing).

I have also lost almost all interest in philosophy and religion at the moment. The very subject this blog was designed to be about. I dont know if I willr egain the interest (probably) but right now all the speculation on the great mysteries seem so irrelevant when I personally aint on the top of the mountain so to speak.

I have been turning more towards music though. Lately quite alot of Meshuggah ("catch 33" and "nothing") for some reason. I have also been listening to quite abit of my own band. We have just been in the process of recording a new album so I've been listening to the first few mixes quite frequently. I havent been playing any instruments though I just prefer having sound around me. I think it makes me feel more safe and it lets me concentrate on the music instead of all the thoughts that fly through my head.

I have also found my way back to wrestling somewhat. I lost alot of interest last eyar and havent really been keeping up with the product this year either (except PPV's). However I have now been more interested than I have in quite a while. Not so much with WWE but I have two shows from AJPW and NOAH to watch and Chikara has also brought me entertainment. I couple of years ago I wouldnt apreciate Chikara. Sloppy wrestling and alot of comedy but its just what I need at the moment. Sure the wrestling could be better, alot better even but the comedy makes up for it and I do enjoy watching the product.

I have also kept myself much more busy than before so I dont have so much free time to just sit around and think. Today I will go to our vocalists place and hear the final mix over a few beers (I guess - I have prepared for that at least) and tomorrow I will get together with my friends and drink alot and watch the eurovision song contest. Yeah I know, its stupid and bad but its an excuse to see my friends and we always have a nice time when we get together so I look forward to that as well. I might go to IKEA tomorrow as well. Got some stuff I need to buy to make my home a little better. I also need to throw some stuff on the dump and I better start doing that tomorrow or it will take at least one more week before I do it.

Now that was a long post to compensate the last few days of silence. This has been turning more and more into my personal (and public!) diary. Im pretty sure no one ever reads it but its nice to ventilate some of my thoughts and feelings like this.

The bassics of a good joke.

Now I have been through a rough time lately so I thought it would be nice to include a little joke in the blog. Now not everyone will get this bus most bass players will so here ya go:

Bloging under the influence of alcohol

Yeah. so this may not be the mosthn throught through or best spelled post ever. I dont really give a fuckj. Yeah, Im drunk and I had a nice time with my firends for a few hours today. IT was nice to get my mind off of things. However some of that sadness is coming back as soon as Im left alone in my apartment. Soemtimes I think what started as a great thing for me (living alone) has turned to a curse. I know Im alone and that very fact makes me very sad.

I will never know what mnade things go wrong but I know they went terribly wrong compared to what I dreamed about and compared to what I wanted. What is the reason for all this. Im actually thinking of moving far away just to start a completely new life and that way start one part of the dream I have dreamed for quite a long time. Maybe a totally fresh start is just what I need. It wont happen for at least a year I think but maybe its the right thing to do. I have already looked into a few possibilitties. Well see what happens and how much of this I will regret writing when I wake up tomorrow .

On going to sleep and waking up

This has been one of the problems I havent been able to overcome yet. While I still have my good and bad days I always tend to feel like crap when I am supposed to go to sleep but even more so when I wake up every morning. I just feel really bad. This past week I have been waking up before my alarm clock every day (which is set for 06:00 AM) and today (Saturday) I woke up before 08:00 AM even though I went to bed after midnight after a visit in the studio where we record our new album.

I always feel so lonely in the mornings now so I usually sit down and write something. Right now the people of talkbass have been of great help in this. I can write whenever I want and I now have some PM-contacts that does their best to help me out.

Good thing about today is that I am fully booked. Im doing my laundry for 3 or 4 hours starting at 12 and I need to buy some food and buy some beer. Then its dinner att my mums and then a movie night or similar with a few of my friends. Hopefully the beer will make me sleep for a little bit longer on Sunday so I dont wake up early again.

Oh and also it is now one week since I made that phone call to my ex. A call that was supposed to not be about this situation at all but was thought to be me saying "Im sorry" and then go on and see if we could at least stay friends. Now things did turn into an argument instead of things we cant do anything about now (all the misconceptions of the past). I asked her if she thought we could stay friends aand she said "I dont know". When we said goodbuy she did however say "talk to you soon, Im sure". It may just be a polite phrase (if its one thing the english know about its being polite) but I decided that any contact between us should be on her initiative now. If I take up the contact again and shes not ready to speak to me (about whatever) I think the wounds will open up again and maybe wider that before. Now this doesnt mean I dont want to speak to her. I really do and at least talk and agree that we have to put the arguing behind us. Right now things arent good at all where I not only realize I have lost her as a lover and girl friend but also lost her friendship alltogether (thats how it seems at the moment). I tell you its really taking a big toll on me.

The girl of my dreams

Now I realize this is part of something I have already quoted in this blog but over the past few days it has become increasingly important for my recovery. Now Im still sad at times and I can feel really bad. I still fantasize and daydream about my ex but now I always have this in mind:

Look, what you imagined with your girl is just a DREAM. Based on things you imagine in your head, not based on what's actually there. I've been there, the dream is always beautiful and perfect. But she's not the person in your dream. OR else she'd be with you now.

And you know what its true and its something that I can both understand rationally and emotionally. She really isnt my dream girl if she doesnt want to actually be with me. Believe it or not but it does help me keeping my head up at least a little bit further than I did before. Its still a pain in the ass sometimes, especially in the mornings but this does make things a little bit better. I even added part of the quote just under the blog "headline". Its that important to me at this moment.

Right now I am getting used to the thought of not having this special girl with me in my future (at least not as a girlfriend or wife or anything of the sort). At this moment I cant see how anyone could replce her or the dream I had about how things would eventually turn out. However I have gotten loads of advice over the past few days and they all seem to say that I will come over this and find someone else who I will look upon as better than what I have had thus far with my ex. I just hope they are right.

With a little help from my (talkbass) friends

I made a post on the Talkbass forums about my problems. I wasnt sure if it was the right thing to do or if someone would actually care. But now Im very happy that I did write and ask for help and advice. There were two posts especially that put smiles on my face and really connected with me. I would like to quote them both here.

This post was made by the user called ubado:

First of all, I just like to say... my heart goes out to ya... most cats have been through those "hard to forget" breakups.

I'd gather that the age isn't the problem... if she wants kids, and you want kids... then her ticking baby clock is a moot point. It most likely boils down to the "Long Distance Relationship". They just don't work! For a short time sure... but not for the long run.

The idea that "distance makes that heart grow fonder" is complete BS!

I'm not gonna candy coat this... you will always love her... you will always wonder "what if"... but it doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there that can make you happy.

I myself have "the one that got away" in the back of my mind... but I've been married for almost 10 years and couldn't imagine myself not being married to her for another 10 (after that... I'm gonna trade her in for a newer model... instead of getting a Red Sports Car ). All kidding aside... you will find another. Who knows, maybe she'll be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know mine has.

Just know that many of us have felt the same way about someone... the pain will pass... the memories will remain... but all in all... You'll get through it.

Buck up little camper. There's other fish in the sea... you just gotta do some more fish'n. Maybe you'll snag one you can "mount" up aginst a wall.

This post was made by disenchant:

It's hard being in that situation, I've been there myself.

The hardest realization is that a relationship takes two willing people. If she is not willing--you don't have a relationship! Plus, if she can't see all the wonderful things about you, then it might sound cliché to say, but she doesn't deserve you. And do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?

A good friend of mine was in love with his high school sweetheart and always envisioned them married. He asked her and she turned him down. TWICE! She cheated on him, treated him like dirt and he kept coming back. Finally he "convinced" her to marry him.

He's married to her, just like he dreamed. But it's hardly a dream. He's miserable, she doesn't *really* want to be with him and spends a lot of time with her friends. Who knows if she's cheating on him still? He works long hours, filling up the time she is not home. He was a bassist, and gave up playing because he just couldn't put his heart into things anymore. Sometimes they go on vacation. She doesn't want kids, and he does. But he keeps trying to make the dream happen.

Look, what you imagined with your girl is just a DREAM. Based on things you imagine in your head, not based on what's actually there. I've been there, the dream is always beautiful and perfect. But she's not the person in your dream. OR else she'd be with you now.

I had met a guy that I thought was The One but he turned out to not want a serious relationship. I tried for a year to get back together with him to no avail. Finally I started looking elsewhere and that's when I met the TRUE man of my dreams, who wants the same things I do.

Don't talk to your girl at all. Every time you do it'll open up fresh wounds. Stop imagining her face in your dreams and find out within yourself what about the dream you really want. Chances are it's not HER, but qualities you want in a woman. Then seek out a woman who has those qualities, including the one that respects and loves you for who you are. She's out there, prolly looking for you right now.

I want to thank both of them for the lovely replies. As I said they put a smile on my face and made me want to stay in there a little bit longer. The whole thread can be read here.

Update

I have now transalted most of the blog to the english language. Only long posts in swedish is kept in the original language because of my laziness. I believe there are only 3 entries that still contain swedish. We'll see if I translate them another time.

Random thoughts on a rought day.

This blog was first meant to be a diary kind of thing but before I would publish anything I decided it would be my religious/philosophical outlet. However as my personal life has become more and more confusing to me I have felt the need to go more personal than before. I guess the blog is really here for me to write whatever I want and right now metaphysics isnt the top priority. Far from it. Right now mental health is the most important thing.

Yesterday I tried to make things right. I was making this one call to tells omeone I wanted her friendship still and that I was sorry our discussions had turned to arguing. One can say it didnt work out at all. I heard immediately that she expected another arguing session from me and while I tried to be as calm as I could we still drifted into the same old pattern again. I dont say it was her faul, it was a combination. I had hoped for a call to make things, if not right then at least ok for the time being. Maybe it was too early to try such a thing?

The past week or so have been very depressing for me. My feelings race like a rollercoaster on speed. I have cried, been angry and have been sad. And in between there has been times when things have been more ok. Mostly when something is distracting me (like a movie or tv series) or when I had dinner with my good friend Jocke. It was supposed to be a talk about my feelings and the whole situation Im currently dealing with but while we did speak of that we also stayed a long time at the resturant and had great talk about so many things. That did wonders for me that night. Thanks again for your support.

Today was rough at work though. I had a great sleep but felt really bad when I woke up. Loads of feelings of regret and pain. So when I came to work and I was placed somewhere I didnt want to I kind of got angry and I know people noticed (I dont shout or say bad things but I show it in other ways). Later on in the day I felt bad and told my boss Im going through a really rough time emotionally. I didnt tell him why but I felt he needed to know so he didnt think it was just a bad attitude or something like that.

That was pretty much what I had to say about today. No progress but less of a rollercoaster ride of feelings. Today everything has been equally sad in my head the whole day. I always long to get home but the loneliness of living alone is also getting at me. And Im not one to call people just to talk. As I said Jocke has been great but I cant call him every day when I feel bad.

Anyway thats it for now.

A lot like love

This is your life right now, it wont wait for you to get back to your feet.

Beliefnet Belief-O-Matic -- A personality quiz about your religious and spiritual beliefs

Now this is a test that is supposed to give you an idea of what kind of religious tradition your own throughts fit best into. I have found this test very enjoyable but sometimes its hard for me to pick one answer. I thought I would go through it here and explain why I choose the answers I choose:

1. What is the number and nature of the deity (God, gods, higher power)? Choose one.

Only one God--a corporeal spirit (has a body), supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.
Only one God--an incorporeal (no body) spirit, supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.
Multiple personal gods (or goddesses) regarded as facets of one God, and/or as separate gods.
The supreme force is the impersonal Ultimate Reality (or life force, ultimate truth, cosmic order, absolute bliss, universal soul), which resides within and/or beyond all.
The supreme existence is both the eternal, impersonal, formless Ultimate Reality, and personal God (or gods).
No God or supreme force. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now I have marked two alternatives and my own view is somewhere in between those two. While I agree that there is no God I'm not sure about what one might call a "supreme force". I tend to think that the only thing that is static is that everything is dynamic. All is change. This is the original chaos that minfests itself as order. Nothingness that is all things etc. Could this be called "supreme force"? Maybe, maybe not. I sure as hell dont think its personal or godlike or spiritual so that alternative is very wrong.

2. Are there human incarnation(s) of God (or of gods/goddesses)? Choose one.

God is (or gods/goddesses are) supreme, and no incarnations.
One incarnation.
Many (or countless) incarnations.
No particular incarnations because God is all and all are God (or God is in all).
No incarnations as there is no God. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now this is ultimately connected to the first question. As I see it everything is a manifestation of unchanging change. Therefore the all is one in that regard. So while saying that God is all is something I cannot accept since I really dislike the notion of a god or many gods the throught is appealing but on the concept of nothingness, chaos or change.

3. What are the origins of the physical universe and life on earth? Choose one.

As in the book of Genesis, God created a mature universe and mature life forms from nothing in less than 7 days, less than 10,000 years ago.
As in the book of Genesis, but "day" is not 24 hours, possibly refers to thousands (or even millions) of years, or to creation phases.
God is creating and controlling the phenomena uncovered by scientists. Or there are other spiritual explanations, but not in conflict with scientific discovery.
All matter and life forms are manifestations (or illusions) of the eternal Absolute (Ultimate Truth, Universal Soul or Mind, etc.).
Only natural forces (like evolution) and no Creator or spiritual forces. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now one should be able to see the thought pattern that goes into the answering of this question. I belive its all "natural forces" or something that is closely related to it (if the word nature isnt quite good enough). But all things are indeed manifestations or illusions of change. And remember "illusion" doesnt mean something doesnt exist only that something isnt what it may seem to be at first sight.

4. What happens to humans after death? Choose one.

Souls are judged immediately for a foretaste of heaven or hell. At the final judgment, God (or Christ) will resurrect and judge all for heaven or hell. (Or souls may also be judged for punishment and/or purification before heaven.)
Death results in unconsciousness until, at the final judgment, God (or Christ) will raise the living righteous to heaven; resurrect and destroy the wicked on earth; return the righteous to a paradisal earth for eternity.
Souls don't survive death. God (or Christ) will resurrect the righteous at the final judgment for eternity in heaven or on a paradisal earth; the wicked will remain dead.
The soul's spiritual development continues after death so that all may eventually experience the indescribable joy of closeness to God. Hell is not a place but the tormented state of remoteness from God.
Rebirths occur (continually, or until all life's lessons are learned and one merges with the life force, or until complete enlightenment and eternal bliss are attained).
There is definitely an afterlife, but the specifics cannot be known or are unimportant--most important is one's conduct in life.
No afterlife; no spiritual existence beyond life; no literal heaven and hell. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Now this one was really easy. No afterlife at all. Thats a firm belief of mine.

5. Why is there terrible wrongdoing in the world? Choose one.

Humans inherited sinfulness, or a damaged nature, or tendency to yield to Satan's temptations from Adam and Eve, who committed the original sin against God.
Wrongdoing results from God-given free will plus a weak side, or a drive to satisfy personal needs, which sometimes results in wrongful choices (and/or vulnerability to Satan's temptations).
Ignorance of one's true existence as pure spirit and as one with the Universal Truth (or soul, mind, etc.) can lead to wrongdoing.
Not listening to the voice of God, who resides within all, can lead to wrongdoing.
Egoism (self-importance) leads to desire, craving, and attachments, which can lead to unwholesome thoughts and behavior, i.e., greed, hate, and violence.
No supernatural or spiritual reasons. Human nature, psychology, sociology, criminology, etc., explain wrongdoing. Or not sure. Or not important.
None of the above.

Yeah there isnt a big spiritual reason behind "wrongdoing in the world". What is wrongdoing anyway and according to who. I am a moral relativist and therefore the whole question isnt applicable.

6. Satan's presence results in much suffering.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not applicable.

While I am influence by a tradition that likes to view Satan as that dak evolving force in nature. The state of ungchanging change et al I always answer "not applicable" since I know this isnt the Satan the test is refering to.

7. Why is there so much suffering in the world?
Choose ALL that apply.

The original disobedience of Adam and Eve caused all mankind to inherit mortality, which includes bodily imperfection, illness, and decay.
Suffering is part of God's divine will, plan, or design (to discipline, test, challenge, strengthen faith, strengthen character, promote moral growth, or for reasons that we cannot or may not know).
Suffering is a state of mind (or illusion); only our spiritual nature is real.
Spiritual or cosmic imbalance and disharmony may result in suffering.
Unwholesome thoughts and/or deeds (greed, hatred, and violence) in this or prior lives return as suffering (karma).
None of the above; human suffering has nothing to do with the supernatural or karma.

This one is easy as well. Se the above answer.

Respond to the following (Questions 8-12) based on how you believe a person attains salvation, exaltation, eternal reward, spiritual liberation/enlightenment, spiritual harmony, merger with God, etc.

8. Worship:

The Supreme Power, God, or Gods.
God--three persons of one essence.
God the Father, His Son, the Holy Spirit--each a distinct essence.
Not Applicable.

9. Baptism (or initiation) ceremonies:

Required.
Not required.
Not Applicable.




10. Regularly confess or repent:

All sins/wrongs to a cleric.
All sins/wrongs, but not necessarily to a cleric.
Not Applicable.


11. Doing good works (deeds) and acting compassionately is:

Necessary.
Not necessary.
Not Applicable.




12. Choose ALL statements below that represent your beliefs.

Adhere strictly to the rites, practices, precepts, commandments, prohibitions, laws, sacraments, or ordinances of the faith to be rewarded after life.
All, even the wicked, are rewarded after life (e.g., go to heaven, merge with God) as God(s) is infinitely good and forgiving.
Extinguish all cravings, attachments, and ignorance, or rid oneself of all impurities, to become fully enlightened.
Learn all life's lessons through rebirths.
Realize your true nature as purely spirit (or soul) and not body, as one with the Absolute, Universal Soul.
Live very simply; renounce worldly goals and possessions.
Tap the power of the Ultimate (God, or the divine) through intercessory methods such as psychics, channeling, tarot cards, crystals, magic.
Humankind is "saved" through human effort rather than through religious or spiritual means.

One really has to save oneself. There is no redeemer to save you. Only you can save you and other people or animals or whatever may be a help in that process. But then again I dont like the choice of words here. Saved from what exactly?

13. Elective abortion should be accepted (not proclaimed or treated as immoral).

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

Now this isnt fundamental in the way I view the world. However I find this important. It should be ok to abort a pregnancy is one so wishes.

14. Homosexual behavior should be regarded as immoral or out of harmony.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

The same as above.

15. Roles for women and men should be prescribed.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

The same as above.

16. Divorce and/or remarriage should be restricted or punished or condemned.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

The same as above.

17. Social betterment programs (e.g., equality, anti-poverty, education) should be fundamental.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

18. Nonviolence (e.g., pacifism, conscientious objector) should be fundamental.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.


19. Prayer, meditation, or spiritual healing practices should be favored to the exclusion of conventional health treatment (for all serious conditions or certain types of serious conditions).

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

Im not in favor of this. While I believe things of this nature can help a person mentally if he or she really believes it I dont think it has any objective reality or substance and thus cannot really cure anything.

20. Revering nature or the environment should be fundamental.

Agree.
Disagree.
Not Applicable.

I ave always wanted to save nature from being destroyed and exploited. Of course it really isnt a required belief in my own personal philosophy of metaphysics but I find it very important. I have ever since I started to think about it (which I believe was back in 1994).

Depression and suicide

I have been thinking of making this blog more international for a while so this will be my first post all in english (except for earlier quotes and such that were already written in english).

I will start things off on anegative note. Lately I haven't been feeling very good. It's been a rollercoaster ride of different emotions and thoughts. I just learned that the woman I love is engaged. The whole situation is complex and filled with misunderstandings between the two of us but I always thought things would turn out good between us in the end. When I heard about this it came as a shock and it really felt like my heart was ripped out. Since then I have had a hard time controling my feelings. In my head it was supposed to be her and me and since our relationshp was a long distance one I was all set, metally to leave my current life with work, my band and my country to make this relationship work. I was so sure it would happen within the next year or so when we had sorted things out but now things look very different and it feels like I've lost all things I ever worked for. Despite this things has been going well in my life. I bought a appartment which slowley but surely starts to look really good. I got a full-time job and also got the most out of the raise of my monthly sallary just days ago. But this seemed to overshadow it all.

Since this blog thus far has been very religious/philosophical in its approach I think this fits in well with both the blog and of course the contex. Most of my foundation lies within LaVeyan Satanism. I may not be able to call myself a LaVeyan or maybe not even a Satanist anymore but the very core or starting point of my philosophical experimentation lies within Anton LaVeys work. One of the things I really agreed with him upon was the view of life and death. While one should accept death as necessary, and in many ways what gives life its meaning, suicide was looked upon very negatively;

It is a well known fact that many people die simply because they give up and just don't care anymore. This is understandable if the person is very ill, with no apparent chance for recovery. But this often is not the case. Man has become lazy. He has learned to take the easy way out. Even suicide has become less repugnant to many people than any number of other sins. . .

Life is the one great indulgence; death the one great abstinence. To a person who is satisfied with his earthly existence, life is like a party; and no one likes to leave a good party. By the same token, if a person is enjoying himself here on earth he will not so readily give up this life for the promise of an afterlife about which he knows nothing. . .

Self-sacrifice is not encouraged by the Satanic religion. Therefore, unless death comes as an indulgence because of extreme circumstances which make the termination of life a welcome relief from the unendurable earthyl existence, suicide is frowned upon by the Satanic religion. . .

This has always been my belief but its very scary once you realize that when you yourself are really depressed and in the middle of something where you can see no way out from how ones own morals and ethics can be thrown out of the window. This is hard for me to write but I have felt suicidal from time to time after all this happened. I have felt like my whole life has gone down the drain. All this because I have lost my one big love in life. Somehow Im very capable of seeing that not everything in my life is bad. As I said I got a raised sallary, I have a new appartment, Im in the middle of recording a album with my band, I have a family that loves me etc. Somehow all this is thrown out of the window and I cant help but to cry because I have lost the woman I love.

Now I believe most people have had thoughts about suicide but there is a huge difference between having them and realy having them. Im pretty sure, even during my depressions, that I wouldnt be able to take my own life. After all it would inflict huge pain on people who like me and I wouldnt ever be able to see if things will be getting better in the future. I do not believe in an afterlife so if I were to die I wouldnt know the difference so it would truly be a definite way out.

Now, sometimes I have actually been scared because I havent recognized myself in what I have been thinking. Its been like two sides of me in conflict with eachother. I am sure that my "good" side will win, it always does it seems but it still doesnt change the fact that its really scary when the bad side is strong. This is what I mean by it being a huge difference between having thought of suicide and really having thought about suicide. Im guessing the next step is even worse when the bad side really controls you and this is what ultimately leads a person to take his or her own life.

I am a firm believer in that suicide is wrong in almost all cases. Point blank its stupid. But I also know from my own experience how things sometimes seem so negative that it really hurts to be alive. My good side has already made up my mind. I wanna keep my friendship with my ex girlfriend. My reasoning is that if I cut all ties I wont ever see her again. If I keep in contact I ca still have a good time with her and quite frankly she knows me best out of anyone in the world. A friendship like that isnt built in rapid fashion and I want to nurture that relation to her. After all I dos till love her and I want, in some way, still be a part of her life.

All is one

Did you ever say Yes to one joy? O my friends, then you said Yes to all woe as well. All things are chained and entwined together, all things are in love;
if you wanted one moment twice, if you ever said: ‘You please me, happiness, instant, moment!’ then you wanted everything to return!
you wanted everything anew, everything eternal, everything chained, entwined together, everything in love, oh that is how you loved the world,
you everlasting men, loved it eternally and for all time; and you say even to woe: ‘Go, but return!’ For all joy wants—eternity!

Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Satanism and its relation to Christianity

I found an article by a person called Rex Monday. He wrote a article that among other things dealt with the relationship Satanism has with Christianity. I found his thoughts very interesting and they really point to some good information that not everyone might be ready to accept:

Since I have mentioned Christianity in passing, I will now deal with the question of the relationship between Christianity and Satanism. I make no bones of the fact that I was a Christian before I became a Satanist, as were, to varying degrees I suppose, my colleagues. I have seen, time and time again, the charge by modern neo-pagans that Satanists are merely inverted Christians. To some extent, this charge is fell-founded. The relationship between Christianity and Satanism is very much like the relationship between the various schools of Tantrism and orthodox Vedanta. After all, the tantric’s use of meat, wine, and sexual intercourse are only shocking within the context of orthodox belief. In the west, we think nothing of wining and dining as a prelude to sexual intercourse - providing of course that the lady pays! In the same way, Satanism rejects the Christian values of chastity, meekness, denial of pleasure and the flesh, and bending the knee to a God who is all-pervasive. What the neo-pagans miss of course, is that they themselves are as influenced by Christian values as anyone else. It is too easy by far to simply embrace something which seems to be the antithesis of normality, without examining how one is bound by those values which, on the surface, one is seemingly rejecting. Christian values have infected modern Satanic groups in much the same way. This can be seen in the way that modern exponents of Satanism have concerned themselves with ‘becoming strong, and crushing the weak’. This desire to project one’s own values onto other people masks a deep-seated insecurity, and is little more than the Christian desire to ‘save souls’ by another name. The Satanist does not merely ‘invert’ the Christian impulse to interminably bother other people, but overcomes it, so that he is not at all concerned with other people apart from his chosen colleagues. For myself, it is much more ‘satanic’ to have mastered the art of minding my own business, rather than setting myself up to pronounce the fate of other, ‘lesser’ mortals.

LaVey on Satanism.

I am not a LaVeyan Satanist anymore. Heck, it was a long time since I was. Nowadays I may not even want to call myself a Satanist at all. The main principles of his worldview is still something that lies close to my heart even though I have definately put a personal twist on them. Maybe even to the point where people might not recognize the origin. I also really dislike LaVeys organisation which, to a person who isnt a member, seemingly is made upp by pretentious people that likes to dress up and have their head up their own ass. Maybe that was harsh but thats how many of their official spokespeople come off.

This is a quote by LaVey which I happen to like:

My brand of Satanism is the ultimate conscious alternative to herd mentality and institutionalized thought. It is a studied and contrived set of principles and exercises designed to liberate individuals from a contagion of mindlessness that destroys innovation. I have termed my thought “Satanism” because it is most stimulating under that name. Self discipline and motivation are effected more easily under stimulating conditions. Satanism means “the opposition” and epitomizes all symbols of noncomformity. Satanism calls forth the string ability to turn a liability into an advantage, to turn alienation into exclusivity. In other words, the reason it’s called Satanism is because its fun, its acurate, and its productive.

Anton LaVey - the devils notebook (foreword).

The "Ur" rune

I have recently started to look through Thomas Karlsson book "Uthark - nightside of the runes" again. My interest grew as I came to the part where he explains the "ur" rune. Look at this:

Ur (u): The Ur rune denotes the primeval state and the origin. The Ur rune is the Ur (original)-ox or the Ur-cow which in many mths represent the state before creation. In Nordic mythology it is the cow Audhumbla. If we were to turn the Ur rune so that it would look like a normal "u" we can see how it illustrates the horns of the animal. From the udder of Audhumbla four rivers of milk are flowing, feeding the other primeval being Ymer. The rivers of milk are the inherent nourishing force of the original state that spreads out in the cardinal directions of space. From a saltstone clad with white frost Audhumbla licks out the god triad of Voden, Vile and Ve. The saltstone is the crystal shaped form in which gods and runes can be found. This is the potentiality of the original state which is actualized and manifested through the following runes of the Uthark. The crystal returns to the Hagal rune. The Ur rune also illustrated Ginnungagap, the wide-open crack of primeval chaos and the original emptiness. The Ur-rune is the womb from which everything is created and born.

Very interesting isnt it? I find it very inspiring to see its relation to other koncepts in different traditions around the world.

Satanism, djävulsdyrkan och legitimitet att en gren är mer sann än en annan.

Ja nu har jag varit i debatt igen på ett internetforum. Det är så ofta diskussionerna kommer in på Satanism kontra Djävulsdyrkan, likheter, skillnader och vem som har mer rätt till namnet Satanism - teisterna eller ateisterna/agnostikerna. Detta är vad jag skrev om ämnet:

http://www.flashback.info/showthread.php?t=603987&page=2

Ursprungligen postat av Fiant
Tillbaka till skolbänken, unge man. Det går inte att skilja på satanism och sk. djävulsdyrkan. Djävulsdyrkan är dessutom ett felaktigt begrepp och existerar endast pga fördomar och kunskapsbrist när det gäller teistisk satanism. Det du beskriver är pinsamt nog den typiska bilden som CoS har försök övertyga vilsna ungdomar med i ett par årtionden. Faktum är att den "satanism" som CoS och Belial.org/fd. svenska satanistkyrkan företräder inte är mer än ett sämre hopkok av idéplagiat. Det har inget med satan att göra, deras arketyp har inte heller något med det att göra och skulle lika passande kunnat ha kallats för "Tomten".

Även du måste läsa på. Både du och Dangerous_Mind försöker legitimera olika del ar av satanismen som den enda sanna. Så lätt är det givetvis inte. CoS har visst massor att göra med Satan (som jag skrivit om tidigare här se nedan) och det har också teistiska inriktningar. Om man själv är en del av någon gruppering tror man förståss på deras läror och anser dem då för sanna. För alla andra finns det massvis av inriktningar som alla legitimt kan gå under namnet Satanism precis som att alla religioner har flertalet inriktningar och tankeströmningar. Ofta kan de existera samtidigt, använda samma etikett men gå emot varandra totalt när det gäller läror. Detta gäller såväl kristendom och judendom som satanism och andra former av "ockulta religioner".

Satanismen har ingen historisk basis. Dvs det är inte som kristendomen som har en historisk bas och en text som beskriver påstådda händelser i historien. Kristendomen har sin grund, som en egen religion, i att jesus fanns, att han var/är Guds son, att han dog för människans synder osv. Detta är grunden i kristendomen och deras heliga bok beskriver, enligt de kristna själva, historiska händelser. Trots detta förekommer miljontals tolkningar om vad som är rätt och riktigt och hur man ska tolka bibeln.

Om vi går över till Satanismen så har den INGEN historisk bakgrund liknande den kristendomen har. Ordet Satanism har funnits i hundratals år men organiserad satanism verkar vara ovanlig ändå in på 1900-talet. Satanismen utvecklades dock och idag ser vi också hur andra kulturers kulter och liknande har eller fortfarande inspirerar sataniska strömningar. Men dessa kan vi inte med rätta kalla satanism (även om man som jag och andra tror att de kan ha samma källa). Att då uttala sig om vad som är äkta satanism eller ej blir praktiskt taget omöjligt. Om kristna har problem trots en skrift som faktiskt gäller alla kristna vad har då Satanismen? Satanismen har ingen gemensam grund alls och att därför tala om vilken gren som är mer eller mindre äkta ter sig väldigt idiotiskt.

Nu riktar jag kritiken mot dig som påstår att tesitisk satanism skulle vara mer sann eller korrekt gentemot CoS men betänk att jag fört debatt med CoS-anhängare som även de har försökt monopolisera Satanismen som begrepp.

Vidare är LaVeys satanism kraftigt inspirerad av vissa tidigare tänkare. Men helt ärligt, vem är inte det? Kan du säga något som verkligen är orginellt av de filosofier eller religioner som finns idag? Skillnaden är nog att CoS är ganska öppna med att de lånat väldigt mycket av sin filosofi från annat håll medan andra religioner håller tyst om det (så har det dock inte alltid varit angående CoS och deras öppenhet angående plagiat).

Vidare visar du på enorm okunskap när du påstår att "Det har inget med satan att göra, deras arketyp har inte heller något med det att göra och skulle lika passande kunnat ha kallats för "Tomten"". Det visar på en enorm brist på kunskap både vad Satan kan symbolisera och hur CoS använder arketypen Satan. Jag citerar mig själv från en annan tråd där jag skrev ett inlägg riktat till en person som i mångt och mycket verkade ha gått med på CoS's historiebeskrivning:

http://www.flashback.info/showthread.php?t=599262&page=2

Ursprungligen postat av TheInsane:
Jag har studerat Satanism på universitetsnivå och har varit delaktig och figurerat i dessa sammanhang sedan 1997. Jag är väl medveten om vad Satan står för inom LaVeys Satanism. Den har klara paraleller med den kristna Satan. Om du inte själv kan se det rekomenderar jag dig att läsa både bibeln och den sataniska bibeln.

Jag påpekade även förut att Satan inte ses som en entitet av den moderna satanismen men trots detta är deras SYMBOLISKA tolkning av Satan som "en avspegling av de mänskliga" (som du uttrycker det) starkt influerad av den kristna Satan. Varför skulle namnet annars användas?

Låt mig förklara närmare så att du kanske förstår. "Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit" för inte detta tankarna till ormen i edens lustgård som bjuder människan på kunskapens frukt? Och ordet satans egentliga betydelse - "motståndare". Satan representerar Guds motståndare i kristendomen och Satan i Satanismen representerar i mångt och mycket motstånd mot det kristna tankesättet. Kristendomen förespråkar att man ska älska sin nästa och vända den andra kinden till. CoS Satanismen anser att man enbart ska älska de som förtjänar ens kärlek och att man ska slå tillbaka om man själv blir slagen. Sedan har vi dualismen där vissa drifter ska arbetas bort enligt kristendomen. Satansimen är dock accepterande av människans natur och förstår nödvändigheten av även destruktivitet (men absolut inte enbart detta). Utan mörker ingen ljus. Min tolkning liksom många andras är att kristen människosyn är dualistisk på flera plan medan Satanismen är icke-dualistisk då den accpterar alla våra driften och kans e värde i dem alla.

Sedan har vi de starka paralellerna att Satan kan tolkas som extremt individualistisk i Bibeln liksom i CoS's Satanism. I Bibeln vill Satan frigöra sig Guds lagar och regler och skapa egna regler för sig själv. Satanismen har samma strävan att göra sig fri från skadlig flockmentalitet och att skapa en egen sfär. Oftast enbart moraliskt och etiskt men inom CoS finns/fanns det också tankar om arificiell intelligens och "custom made enviroments" (se dokumentet "pentagnal revisionism" på CoS's hemsida).

Vidare finns det i Bibeln ett stycke där någon, i äldre tolkningar ofta Lucifer, förklarar att hans mål är att höja sin tron över Guds stjärnor. Även om sektionen i fråga antagligen handlar om kejsare Nero har den under lång tid fått symbolisera Satans och/eller Lucifers mål att själv härska. Detta är precis vad CoS också förespråkar. En ständig strävan efter att höja upp sig själv och bli sin egen Gud. Att höja sig så pass att man blir så autonom som man kan bli - precis som Satan i Bibeln.

Vidare finns en karaktär i bibeln som kopplas samman med Satan, åklagaren, som visserligen agerar å Guds vägnar men vars uppgift är att ifrågasätta människors tro. CoS förespråkar att man ifrågasätter alla ting och LaVey hyllar tvivlet i sin sataniska bibel.

Även tanken om att Satan är "denna världs prins" finns i CoS där Satan står för vital existens här och nu utan tankar på ett möjligt spirituellt liv efter detta.

I vissa något mer progressiva grenar av modern satanism är det också viktigt att Satan står för det rörliga, fria, kreativa, kaotiska etc precis som tt den bibliska kan tolkas Satan stå för det rörliga och dynamiska i kontrast till Gud - den statiska.

Jag hoppas att du förstår mer vad jag menar. Satan för CoS är starkt infuerad av kristendom men precis som du säger är det inte som en entitet. Men symbolen är laddad med kopplingar till den kristna Satan. Annars skulle LaVey aldrig ha valt Satan i första taget. Och om du fortfarande inte är övertygad kan jag gå in ännu djupare på ämnet.