Ephesos 2.0

Mitsuharu Misawa - R.I.P.

2009-06-14T10:36:00.006+02:00

Mitsuharu Misawa

June 18, 1962 - June 13, 2009

Jun Akiyama, Mitsuharu Misawa, Kenta Kobashi, Yoshihiro Takayama

The blog is still on hold. I was planning on doing a small update on how thing are going and whats up with my life right now. Then the news broke and for the moment I want to honour one of the greatest men in proffessional wrestling. This is no time for me to talk about myself.

I found out late yesterday just before the UFC 99 event. I'm shocked to say the least. Mitsuharu Misawa, maybe the biggest legents of puroresu (japanese pro-wrestling) poassed away at the age of 46 in the ring due to heart failure after a back suplex. Some reports say he could have died in the ring.

This is the man who has been in most classic matches and he has probably won more "match of the year" awards than anyone. He also had probably the most amount of five star matches in history of pro-wrestling. He wasnt in good shape the last few years and this might have been part of the cause of his early death. In hindsight I just wish he would have stepped down after his last reign as GHC champ or even before that.

He was essential to pro-wrestling NOAH since he was the one leaving AJPW (All Japan Pro Wrestling) to form this new group. AJPW's most recognizable name leaving to form his own group. Partly successfull but lately not so much. Still during the best days one of my favorite organisations ever.

I am very happy to have witnessed Misawa live in action almost exactly a year ago in the Coventry Skydome. It was a great experience and a fantastic match. I just wish he was still here with us.

Scenes difficult to watch from the awful accident:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwzeAG2kmB0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndp0NUplIDI

WrestleView (through the Wrestling Observer) reports:

Mitsuharu Misawa, one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all-time, was declared dead at 10:10 p.m. Saturday night at a hospital in Hiroshima from an apparent heart attack after being being given a back suplex in a tag team title match.

Misawa would have turned 47 on June 18th.

Misawa, the president of Pro Wrestling NOAH, was teaming with Go Shiozaki in a match challenging Bison Smith & Akitoshi Saito for the GHC tag team championship in Hiroshima. Misawa was given the move at about 8:45 p.m. and knocked unconscious.

According to eye witness reports, Saito gave Misawa a "routine" back suplex that was described as a "7" in danger on a scale of one-to-ten. He did not get up. It was chaos in the ring as they attempted to revive him using CPR and the crowd was hushed for a while, and began a "Misawa" chant. He turned purple in the ring and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.

His heart stopped beating in the ring.

The wrestlers were told on the bus that he had passed away.

While it is being reported that he passed away at the hospital, he may have actually passed away in the ring.

Misawa was the Japanese high school national wrestling champion at 187 pounds in 1980, and was recruited by Giant Baba into All Japan Pro Wrestling. He gained his first taste of stardom in 1984 when he was chosen to be the second Tiger Mask. After unmasking in 1990, he became an even bigger star after a series of singles matches with Jumbo Tsuruta.

He was Japan's biggest pro wrestling star of the 90s, and one could make a strong case for him as the top wrestler of the decade. He was the Wrestler of the Year in 1995, 1997 and 1999.

After the death of Shohei "Giant" Baba, Misawa wrestled a little over one more year for All Japan Pro Wrestling, while working as company president. After consistently butting heads with owner Motoko Baba, the widow of Shohei Baba, he and 90% of the All Japan roster quit the company to form Pro Wrestling NOAH.

Here are some of my pictures from the show where I saw Misawa wrestle. They arent great but Im no proffessional. I also have a couple of pics of me and him both holding the swedish flag which of course was a great moment. All pictures feature Mitsuharu Misawa and Kenta Kobashi:

Im on blogger vacation....

2009-05-21T17:57:00.002+02:00

Well, I havent been very active on this blog for quite some time now. There's several reasons for this. Work has been tougher with the restructuring we go through at the moment. I also try to decide on what to do and how to plan my vacation as well as trying to decide on my future. I will probably go to London this summer and basically get the feel of the city and see if I can get some input and/or insight into what might be the best action for me in regards to jobs and places to live. I will combine that with visiting a few friends of course. And will I sell the place I live in now or rent it out to someone etc? Theres just alot going through my mind and I havent felt inspired to write alot on here.

On top of all this Im trying to complete my studies in the science of religion which I hope I can manage before the summer starts for real.

Busy, busy, busy.....

Ny länk.

2009-04-29T15:46:00.003+02:00

This is one of few posts in my native language and it is written in swedish because it deals with a blog that mainly uses that language.

Jag fann en blogg idag av en medlem av Golden Dawn som jag fann mycket intressant. Jag är som bekant mest inne på vänstra handens väg och dess uttryck och fann då ett långt inlägg som beskrev Thomas Karlssons (Dragon Rouge) syn på saken och sedan inkluderade bloggarens egna tankar. Det intressanta här är att sammanfattningen är mycket kompetent och så obektiv som jag tror att man kan vara och att kritiken på det är mycket väl genomtänkt. Delar av kritiken, ja kanske den största delen, håller jag dessutom med om. Den vänstra handens väg och den högra handens väg är olika vägar mot samma mål. Det var så de uppkom i öst och hur och varför de omtolkades till att ha olika mål vet jag inte. Oftast verkar det dock härstamma från Julius Evolas tolkning. Var Evola fick sin information om detta från vet jag inte.

För min del var tex Satanismen alltid ett uttryck för något som inte var dualistiskt även om jag givetvis inte alltid i mina yngre år uttryckte det på speciellt komplierade metafysiska nivåer. Jag kom tidigt i kontakt med "The Dark Doctrines Crew" och de förespråkade alltid en icke-dualistisk syn presenterat i sataniska termer (jag bryr mig föga om deras politiska åsikter, det var alltid det metafysiska som var intressant för min del). För mig var detta tidigt skillnaden mellan kristendomen och satanismen. Jag är medveten om att det i alra högsta grad finns satanister som är dualister också men för mig var det aldrig så. DD Crews längre texter är att föredra men dessa finns inte på hemsidan (de går att köpa, eller hitta på "inofficiella sidor").

Baphomet ser jag fortfranade som en av de främsta symbolerna för helheten i min värdssyn tillsammans med den Heraklitianska elden. Och även om jag gått ifrån att kalla mig satanist då det är för snävt och samtidigt något jag utvecklats bortom så har det stor betydelse för mig på flera sätt. Mina egna tankar om detta går att finna här, här och här.

Detta mycket längre än jag tänkte. Här är iaf länken till bloggen jag skrev om och texten om den vänstra handens väg i synnerhet. En länk ska läggas till i den vänstra menyn också.

Gyllene Gryningen - Angående den vänstra och den högra handens vägar.

Some notes.

2009-04-29T00:10:00.003+02:00

As you can tell Im all healthy now which is why there was a slowing down in the posting compared to the amount of posts two weeks ago. Back at work means tired in the evenings but I hope to contribute more soon.

I made a Google Analytics account to see if people were really finding their way to this blog and to my surprise the blog has way more readers that I thought it had. The numbers arent amazing or anything but way more than the few I thought cared. Most based in Sweden, even though the blog is in english, but also from very varied parts of the world which is great. I just have a very low commentary rate on my posts and participation in my polls. I wonder why.

So anyway, I hope to be able to keep making people come back here and maybe to trick some new unexpecting victims into the Ephesos trap ;)

Barack Obama: We Are Not A Christian Nation.

2009-04-28T23:40:00.002+02:00

Its very nice and refreshing to hear the president of the United States of America acknowledge that the country he represent isnt in fact a christian nation. Of course all the conservatives and the influential christian right may be terrified. However, as much as they talk about the founding fathers and the constitution did they ever read what they had to say about Christianity? Here are some excerpts that may get some people thinking:

The Founding Fathers on Religion

As the quotes on this page illustrate, the claim that America was founded on Christianity is a myth. Many of the Founding Fathers and Revolutionary War leaders were Deists, and upheld a firm separation of church and state.

Webster's New World Dictionary -- Third College Edition

Deism: (1) The belief in the existence of a God on purely rational grounds without reliance on revelation or authority; especially in the 17th and 18th centuries. (2) The doctrine that God created the world and its natural laws, but takes no further part in its functioning.

United States Constitution

The First Amendment
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion..."

Article VI, Section 3
"...no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."

John Adams (the second President of the United States)

Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli (June 7, 1797). Article 11 states:
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion."

From a letter to Charles Cushing (October 19, 1756):
"Twenty times in the course of my late reading, have I been upon the point of breaking out, 'this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.'"

From a letter to Thomas Jefferson:
"I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved -- the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!"

Additional quotes from John Adams:
"Where do we find a precept in the Bible for Creeds, Confessions, Doctrines and Oaths, and whole carloads of trumpery that we find religion encumbered with in these days?"

"The Doctrine of the divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity."

"...Thirteen governments [of the original states] thus founded on the natural authority of the people alone, without a pretence of miracle or mystery, and which are destined to spread over the northern part of that whole quarter of the globe, are a great point gained in favor of the rights of mankind."

Thomas Jefferson (the third President of the United States)

Jefferson's interpretation of the first amendment in a letter to the Danbury Baptist Association (January 1, 1802):
"Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between church and State."

From Jefferson's biography:
"...an amendment was proposed by inserting the words, 'Jesus Christ...the holy author of our religion,' which was rejected 'By a great majority in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and the Mohammedan, the Hindoo and the Infidel of every denomination.'"

Jefferson's "The Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom":
"Our civil rights have no dependence on our religious opinions, more than on our opinions in physics and geometry....The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."

From Thomas Jefferson's Bible:
"The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."

Jefferson's Notes on Virginia:
"Reason and persuasion are the only practicable instruments. To make way for these free inquiry must be indulged; how can we wish others to indulge it while we refuse ourselves? But every state, says an inquisitor, has established some religion. No two, say I, have established the same. Is this a proof of the infallibility of establishments?"

Additional quotes from Thomas Jefferson:
"It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself."

"They [the clergy] believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition of their schemes. And they believe rightly: for I have sworn upon the alter of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."

"I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make one half of the world fools and the other half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the earth."

"In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to liberty; he is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own."

"Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear....Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of its consequences. If it end in a belief that there is no God, you will find incitements to virtue on the comfort and pleasantness you feel in its exercise and in the love of others which it will procure for you."

"Christianity...[has become] the most perverted system that ever shone on man....Rogueries, absurdities and untruths were perpetrated upon the teachings of Jesus by a large band of dupes and importers led by Paul, the first great corrupter of the teaching of Jesus."

"...that our civil rights have no dependence on religious opinions, any more than our opinions in physics and geometry."

James Madison (the fourth President of the United States)

Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments:
"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise....During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in laity; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution."

Additional quote from James Madison:
"Religion and government will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together."

Benjamin Franklin

From Franklin's autobiography, p. 66:
"My parents had given me betimes religious impressions, and I received from my infancy a pious education in the principles of Calvinism. But scarcely was I arrived at fifteen years of age, when, after having doubted in turn of different tenets, according as I found them combated in the different books that I read, I began to doubt of Revelation itself."

From Franklin's autobiography, p. 66:
"...Some books against Deism fell into my hands....It happened that they wrought an effect on me quite contrary to what was intended by them; for the arguments of the Deists, which were quote to be refuted, appeared to me much stronger than the refutations, in short, I soon became a thorough Deist."

Thomas Paine

From The Age of Reason, pp. 89:
"I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of....Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and of my own part, I disbelieve them all."

From The Age of Reason:
"All natural institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian, or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit."

From The Age of Reason:
"The most detestable wickedness, the most horrid cruelties, and the greatest miseries that have afflicted the human race have had their origin in this thing called revelation, or revealed religion."

From The Age of Reason:
"What is it the Bible teaches us? -- rapine, cruelty, and murder."

From The Age of Reason:
"Loving of enemies is another dogma of feigned morality, and has beside no meaning....Those who preach the doctrine of loving their enemies are in general the greatest prosecutors, and they act consistently by so doing; for the doctrine is hypocritical, and it is natural that hypocrisy should act the reverse of what it preaches."

From The Age of Reason:
"The Bible was established altogether by the sword, and that in the worst use of it -- not to terrify but to extirpate."

Additional quote from Thomas Paine:
"It is the duty of every true Deist to vindicate the moral justice of God against the evils of the Bible."

Ethan Allen

From Religion of the American Enlightenment:
"Denominated a Deist, the reality of which I have never disputed, being conscious that I am no Christian."

The founding fathers were not Christians. . .
Is America a Christian nation?
The U.S. Constitution.

This and that.

2009-04-18T12:07:00.003+02:00

You might wonder why I write all these posts all of a sudden. Well, this is my third day being sick. I feel like I have a fever but the thermometer says otherwise. These days I only get this sick about once a year so I hope this is it and that I keep fresh the rest of 2009.

It has dawned on me how boring it is to be home with nothing to do. I did manage to read some a couple of days ago but in general I avent been able to. What I have done is watching loads of football (the kind of football where the participants actually use their feet to kick the ball). I went to a game some days ago with friends and I got into it. I never really cared alot even though I do have a favorite team and all. However the game I went to combined with me having loads of time being home and sick made me watch it more. Been watching about 5 matches. 4 champions league and 1 från the swedish league and Im getting into it. I will attend a game on Monday as well. I hope Im well enough to enjoy it by then.

I answered an add that a band had put on the internet about possibly becoming a bass player for them. When they found out I played in another band they said that they wanted someone who would focus whole heartedly on their band. Ah come on... Just because I play in two bands doesnt mean time has to be taken from either of them. Sounds kind of like when James Hetfield didnt want Jason Newstedt to do anything outside of Metallica. I guess thats their loss...

I got myself google analytics to gain stats from this page. So far it seem like my left hand path posts gather most internet traffic. And here I am writing diary like posts. We'll see if I can manage to throw something new together on the LHP topic soon.

On the importance of production.

2009-04-17T15:54:00.004+02:00

This is just a link to an already existing piece but its a very good one and it explains on a low level why and how the production of an album is important. It all stems from the complete flop of Metallicas Death Magnetic in terms of the sound. It was awful. This article isnt so much focused on that but it does indeed touch upon that as well.

Was there anything wrong with the recording of the new Metallica album? How did Led Zeppelin revolutionize recording rock? Why do newer albums sound louder? For these questions and more, clink the link and discover why the production on albums matter! Read more...

New poll!

2009-04-16T17:37:00.002+02:00

So I finally created a new poll. Itsreally simple this time around. 2 choices, not multiple answers allowed (since it wouldnt make any sense). The question is if you are a moral absolutist or a moral relativist. For those not familiar with the terms in question you can do some basic research on them here and here.

The usefullness of emptiness

2009-04-16T12:01:00.000+02:00

Thirty spokes converge upon a single hub,
It is the hole in the center that the use of the cart hinges.
We make a vessel from a lump of clay,
It is the empty space within the vessel that makes it useful.
We make doors and windows for a room,
But it is these empty spaces that make the room livable.
Thus, while the tangible has its advantages,
It is the intangible that makes it useful.

I had a dream.

2009-04-15T05:19:00.002+02:00

I havent been here for a long time now - well long in the internet time frame at least. I fell asleep on the couch yesterday afternoon after a run and decided to go straight to bed when I woke up around 09:00 PM. So I woke up around midnight and felt awake but realized I had to go back to sleep. I then decided to get out of bed at 04.00 AM when I woke up the next time. At that point in time I had a a strange dream.

I dreamt that I was back in my parents house and that I was still back in regular school. My mother tried to help me with mathematical problem but started shouting when I didnt understand what she said and claimed it was my fault. My father sided with me but as the dream progressed he also turned on me and claimed I would loose my own place because I didnt have the ability to sort my bills. Or maybe he said I didnt have them sorted and that I would loose all I had.

Now I have no problem with either of my parents but I think it symbolized my fears at this moment in time. I picked up school again to try to finish my candidate exam. Im doing alright and Im probably doing better than I think I am. The goal is however to keep on studying abroad. When I was last in school they offered us to apply for a school in manchester I believe it was. If that is still something I can do I would love it. So my dream might connect these two, one being worry about school and the other worry about leaving my home. A home which I did spend the past 1.5 years to look good. And I like it so its not that I just need to get away. At least Im counting on getting my money back and then some when I sell it. Or maybe I will rent it out. That would work out nicely if I could trust the person getting it. And maybe there is a third aspect to it being to move away from my family. I live very close to all of them and get along with them just fine. Im sure there wouldnt be a big problem or anthing if I did move (for me or for them) but its one of those stupid things I worry about beforehand.

Yes, life aint easy right now. Well it hasnt been for a long time but now its put up or shut up time for me which might be why I havent given the blog so much thought.

To be right and to move on.

2009-03-23T06:03:00.003+01:00

Today I woke up early to make something for lunch later on in the day. Alot transpired yesterday and I feel empty yet quite satisfied. Its weird really how things happen. Someone let me down but I did kind of expect it so it didnt hit that hard. Its a shame though, I dont think she can help herself and in the end she ends up hurting people and then herself (even though she might not see that herself). I cant help to think how much better her life would be if she could be honest because when hanging out she is really nice and easy to talk to. Ah well, I cant do anything about it and my best guess is that she wont reply to my tries to contact her. So I guess this is good riddance and good bye. Im one experience richer and Im happy that me being careful and not get into things to much paid off. It kind of reassured that I wasnt off base. See you in hell miss ;)

Furthermore I have a good idea on my next philosophical post for the blog which will probably be about change. As usual the post will probably be influenced alot by eastern thought as well as western esotericism or left hand path pilosophy in one way or another.

I dont know when or if I have the time though. I decided to pick up my studies a few weeks back and registered. When I spoke to my teacher he immediately asked if I was interested in going for a phd. It gave me lots of ideas. Last time I was studying we got a few alternatives for further studies. One was in England (I believe it was in Manchester) and if they have something similar this time around and if things work out I will probably do something with it. And I know a couple of people in England who I have never met so it would be a good opportunity to start a relation t them in a non-online manner.

I would actually love to get paid to study and then getting away and try smething new is something I really need and I think the experience would be a good one for sure. Besides it would mean that I leave my current job which is close to my home, pay me alright and gives alot of security but is no future really.

I was also getting into alot of the norwegian black metal scene again the last week or so. It contains some really good suff and is actually very diverse and even if the scene often seems close minded its usually only the fans perspective. The bands are often quite experimental and they differ alot individually from eachother. My latest purchases have included Immortals "at the heart of winter", Mayhems "grand decleration of war", Gorgoroths "ad majorem sathanas gloriam" as well as Burzums "hvis lyset tar oss". Quite a far way from my last purchases that included Verdis "aida" and Miles Davis "bitches brew". Hey, diversity in music is a strength... :)

Nature

2009-03-18T20:17:00.004+01:00

I took these photos today. These are all surrounding I pass by in work from time to time. I have planned to photograph them for a long time but it wasnt until today that I actually did so. Im no proffesional and my camera isnt of the expensive kind but I am satisfied with what I got. Nature can indeed be impressive:

Poll results.

2009-03-18T20:13:00.002+01:00

These are the results of the poll. I was thinking of a more simple approach with the next poll with just a couple of answer alternatives. I just have to find a good question first.

Which kinds of music do you enjoy?

Blues 1 (7%)

Classical 3 (21%)

Country 2 (14%)

Dansband 1 (7%)

Electronic 4 (28%)

Folk 5 (35%)

Hip-hop 1 (7%)

Jazz 3 (21%)

Latino 1 (7%)

Metal 12 (85%)

Pop 2 (14%)

R&B 1 (7%)

Reggae 1 (7%)

Rock 11 (78%)

Number of votes: 14

How to cook an egg with a penn!

2009-03-17T15:19:00.002+01:00

I have been very bad at updating this blog. I have some ideas for future posts in the "wisdom" category but I dont feel like going to deep into that just now since my ideas for posts arent that positive. And right now I am kind of positive so Im not in the right state of mind to bury myself in deep negative stuff.

After some weirdness and misunderstandings (and me being abit plump) in the planning stages a friend of mine came over for the weekend. This was the first time we met - yeah, Im a computer child I make my friends online ;) - and things turned out very good. Whatever differences we had had online they were all blown away in real life.

I had a very good time actually and will keep alot of good memories of this weekend. It was definately a good thing for me to do and Im glad it worked out.

See you again soon miss G?

A day in the life of....

2009-03-04T15:33:00.002+01:00

This is just something I thought as quite funny.

This morning I started my day by insulting my mother in public, then punched out my father, my brother, and my sister. Then I gathered up all my clothes, sold them to a second-hand store, and with the proceeds bought a used Uzi and 50 rounds of ammunition. Next, I went down to the animal shelter and injected all the dogs with a drug that caused them to go insane and dive into the nearby canal where they all drowned. By this time I was hungry, so I went over to my neighbor's apple orchard and burned it down, because I wanted an orange and there weren't any. On the way home, I stopped at the local steel mill to discuss my philosophy of life with some of the guys. They laughed at me and said to stow it, so I tossed them all into the blast furnace. That night I discovered my son looking at a copy of Playboy. Concerned for his future welfare, I cut off his right hand. What historical character did my activities today most resemble?

Genghis Khan
Charles Manson
Adolph Hitler
Jesus Christ

Church of the Churchless

2009-02-28T07:22:00.002+01:00

I just thought I'd add some more attention to this new link I added to a blog called "Church of the Churchless". It contains some very interesting reading and alot of it resonates well with me. Its based on a more eastern approach whch I of course like but it also critiques some of the traditional ideas.

Melek Taus

2009-02-27T18:09:00.003+01:00

This post will be written in Swedish because it deals with a swedish radio show.

Idag rapporterade P1's "Människor och Tro" om Yaziderna. En folkgrupp och religion som ofta kopplas samman med ockultism och Satanism av både utövare, experter och motståndare. Mycket missförstådda är de och det här programmet klargör en del av dessa missuppfattningar. Det torde vara klart att dessa människor har en egen religion som inte är egentlig Satanism. Hursomhelst är det mycket intressant. Radioprogrammet kan fungera som en kort introduktion tll ett ämne som är mycket invecklat. Programmets hemsida hittar ni här, och inslaget börjar ca 8 minuter in.

Copper Wimmin

2009-02-17T20:53:00.002+01:00

This is a song that someone, who I am starting to get closer to, recomended to me. She said it made her think of her and me and when I heard it it really hit me. The vocal delivery is beautiful and the lyrics hits me straight in the heart. This might be one of the strongest songs I have ever heard actually and I would like to recomend it to anyone out there.

I know you've been hurt
Many a' time before
Your heart bleeds rivers
Deep enough to drown
Thought I could be the one
To swim against the current
Swim against the force
The force that pulls one down

But no matter how hard I try
I can't seem to win this fight
I seem to be further behind
Than I was when I met you

I know that you choose
Where you want to be
Choose the heart of gold
And not the one for free
Choose the heart of the past
Belonging not to me

But no matter how hard I try
I can't seem to win this fight
I seem to be further behind
Than I was when I met you
No matter how hard I try
I can't seem to win this fight
I seem to be further behind
Than I was when I met you

Stairway to heaven

2009-02-07T11:16:00.002+01:00

Made by blackgarlic.

Iconoclasm

2009-02-06T20:14:00.004+01:00

I have a document where I copy quotes I come by from around the internet. I just read through some of them and came by this one which I found interesting:

I really think many of you put way too much stock in the word Satanism, and being "Satanic"! Quit being a Satanist and grow yourselves outside the title. The very philosophy of this very base religion is to cast off that which has no value and grow oneself. I submit that the title "Satanism" has no value.

Satanism stagnates because the people who wear it as a title are stagnant in the title. Satanism is personal to each individual, thus if there is nothing new its because we are lazy and have not sought anything new. If you truly have followed an idea to its fullest conclusion, cast it aside for something fuller.

Quit being Satanists. Religious titles are nothing but food for our egos. It is when you can mold yourselves into any idea that you can really begin to expand. I meant what I said: Become Christian for a while! When you can become your own antithesis at will you will be astounded at what you find.

This post was made by someone going by the name of birdland at the 600 club forums. I actually find this very educating and its an approach I naturally take to this myself. Allthough I have to admit it often shows with me wantng to fit into a label or category. Things would be so good if that were to happen. It would truly be the easy way. However it never happens and I know it probably never will.

I often find myself reading things and really liking one or a few ideas and try to justify the rest based on these ideas. Of course it never happens but I always understand that. But every time I pick up a book Im ready to plunge deep into it and I try to be as open as I can and I hope I will find that philosopher or thinker that resonates with me 100%. As I said above that has never ever happened and if it will I might be scared to confront it. How freaky would that be.

I think Im to strong of an individual to ever accept just one perspective without adding my own thoughts and incorporate other ideas and traditions into it.

I just read the newest chapters of Michael Aquinos unfinished history on the Temple of Set. It dealt with the Ronald K. Barrets policies that he introduced to the temple once he became a high priest why it happened and why it chocked the temple and made it lose so many members (from around 200 to just 31 active Setians in 1982). It was an extensive test much based on litterature study from a fixed and set reading list. He might have had good intentions and I understand how he wanted to produce something special of the members that he was the leader of. But as Aquino put it, its hard to herd a group of cats. This approach seemed to me to be about molding everyone in the same way. The initiation wasnt being personal anymore but collective and the importance was with a fixed set of books.

This is the way I feel strangeled by labels. They are to often so exclusive that they become limiting. I just heard a interview with Peter H. Gilmore of the Church of Satan. Despite my main philosophy being more in terms with Anton LaVey than with the Temple of Set I just cant deal with the LaVeyans praise of their dead leader and past accomplishments (and indeed history revisionism as well). Nothing new has come from that organisation in years and years and even Anton wrote just 5 books. Its static and meaningless and afraid to include new influences. In this way I find the Temple of Set way more beneficial and interesting. Although because of my disagreements with their core philosophy I could never be a member of their organisation.

In my first serious search for philosophy end religion I took a stand against Christianity. I was never raised in a very christian way and I wasnt constrained by direct influence of christian rules but I somehow felt the need to break free from its chains. This was the most important charachteristic of Satan as I saw it back then (and still do but in another way - or more evolved way of thinking).

In the past few years the motto of "questioning all things" had gone from questioning Christianity to questioning Satanism. This is what I think the aove quote refers to. By changing the outlook one can learn alot about the label one wears. Now I didnt choos ethe christian perspective since Im familiar with that already. I instead coose to go deeper into eastern metaphysics and I learned more about Satanism that way when I compared the to than I ever did by re-reading The Satanic Bible, The Diabolicon or whatever other book/essay there is on Satanism.

My main problem with Satanism is the claiming of a symbol (or symbols) of change, of chaos in its metaphysical meaning, of becoming but never actually do anything. Well Im sure alot of people are actively seeking to develop but to many are just parroting words written down a long time ago. But that might be the nature of the beast. People are lazy and want comfort and taking the easy way. This is why I can see the logic in this point that the Cavacante la Tigre blog recently described.

16 random things about me.

2009-02-01T10:35:00.003+01:00

This is something I wrote for facebook. A friend wrote me 16 random things about her and the rules was to write her back with 16 random things about me as well as send it on to 16 other people. Given my nature I gave this alot of thought instead of just sitting down and writing 16 things off the top of my head. I think it turned out in a way that can be compared to a tattoo only less permamnent. Its a print of where I am just now and what is going through my head. Its pretty short and has no real structure but I thought it would be a good idea to re-publish these on my blog to keep it alive. So here we go:

1. I am often so caught up in my own "thing" that I cant understand how others cant even understand me - even if I dont demand that they have to agree with me.

2. Because of the above Im much of a lone wolf, for good and bad, and very few people really know me (if anyone these days).

3. I almost never read fiction. I tend to be bored with it and not think it has any significant value. I prefer books on philosophy and whatever connects to that.

4. I am an elitist but I cant live up to my ideals because they are too high and Im to lazy.

5. I think ignorance can be a blessing because that often means that youre happy. Knowledge on the other hand tends to be a heavier load and more often leads to unhapiness. Of course I always seek knowledge and tend to not be as carefree and do not take things in a very easy and relaxed manner.

6. I still love pro-wrestling. Its easy and it speaks to the most basic human instincts and it works as an escape from reality for me. Or as a return to an easier reality.

7. If I had to choose I would rather be mute than deaf or blind.

8. I wish I could start all over again and embrace the things I may not have dared to embrace in the past.

9. I strongly dislike people who claim that they listen to any kind of music. It usually means that they listen to anything that the radio burps out for them to consume. If asked if they like death metal, jazz fusion or opera they either dont know the genre or say they dont like it.

10. I on the other hand have a diverse taste in music but would never say "I like everything" or alike because I dont want to be categorized with those people I described above. The stuff thats been playing the most for me recently has been Rome (neofolk), Giuseppe Verdi (opera), Anthrax (thrash metal), Wardruna (folk), Weather Report (jazz fusion) and Black Sabbath (heavy metal/hard rock).

11. I cant really go out to bars/clubs because if I do after a while the music sounds distorted in my ears and I can never really hear what others are saying even if they are standing right next to me. I think its combination of loud music and so much other sounds. I think my ears have a hard time concentrating when there is to much and to loud sounds.

12. I dwell on things for way to long even if there is no reason for it. I really wish I could move on easier but I cant and I have to accept that.

13. I have a few dreams I'd like to come true but I am at the same time afraid to loose my comfort. The ironic thing is that much of what I want to get away from is the comfort and predictability of my life.

14. My main philosophical foundations for metaphysics tend to lie with Heraclitus work "fragments" and it is added to by concepts from eastern metaphysics (mahakali in vamachara tantra, sunyata in buddhism, tao in taoism), nietzsches worldview and ancient myths of now dead religions (ginnungagap in ancient norse tradition for example).

15. Despite me drawing influence from theistic religions and systems I myself am an atheist who like to describe the world in a theistic language to personalize it. Nietzsche also did it with Apollo and Dionysus.

16. I am to serious to often. Hey, take a look at the points above and tell me otherwise ;)

Update - Januray 28, 2009

2009-01-28T16:17:00.002+01:00

I havent written much in a long time now. I dont have any particular reason. I have been busy and have also been doing alot of thinking and some things may change my future quite soon. Alot going on at the moment both in the objective and subjective universe as Dr. Aquino would say ;)

I have a few ideas for posts but I havent decided on what to use or if to use any at all. We'll see.

I also thought about creating a new blog that would be like a diary of sorts. But I probably would keep it anonymous so I would not post the link on this blog if that happens. But as with everything else, I dont know what will happen with that.

Queen of Night

2008-12-28T00:04:00.003+01:00

Today I attended a musical called footloose. A friend invited me and I thought it ould be nice. I usually dont do these kind of things so I gave it a shot. On the way home we discussed doing thing we dont usually do. I remembered having attended the opera as a child and when I got home I decided to look up some opera. I havent been able to get into alot of classical music before but I remembered having a VHS-tape of "the magic flute". This was when I was really young and I remember liking it and watching it alot. So in my search I came across this clip. This is Diana Damrau as Queen of Night from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozarts "The Magic Flute". Im quite stunned to be honest. I may not be hugely into this kind of music but this performance really touches me. The aria itself is a masterpiece and Dianas voice is superb. Listen and enjoy:

What preserves the species.

2008-12-24T22:14:00.002+01:00

This is a quote from Friedrich Nietzsches "The Gay Science" (Book 1:4) which I recently started to read:

The strongest and most evil spirits have so far done the most to advance humanity: again and again they relumed the passions that were going to sleep- all ordered society puts the passions to sleep- and they reawakened again and again the the sense of comparison, of contradiction, of the pleasure in what is new, daring, untried; they compelled men to pit opinion against opinion, model against model. Usually by force of arms, by toppling boundary markers, by violating pieties- but also by means of new religions and moralities. In every teacher and preacher of what is new we encounter the same "wickedness" that makes conquerors notorious, even if its expression is subtler and it does not immediately set the muscles in motion, and therefore also does not make one that notorious. What is new, however, is always evil, being that which wants to conquer and overthrow the old boundary markers and the old pieties; and only what is old is good. The good men are in all ages those who dig the old thoughts, digging deep and getting them to bear fruit- the farmers of the spirit. But eventually all land is exploited, and the ploughshare of evil must come again and again.

Riot in Everyone!

2008-12-17T17:02:00.002+01:00

While at work I decided to listen to Crash Diets debut album. Im not a huge fan of them even if I do enjoy a little bit of sleaze at times. We used to rehearse in the same building as they did and they were nice guys. However I realized that what has shaped me more than anything else when it comes to my outlook on life are crtain kinds of lyrics. Sure, Crash Diet wasnt around when I was younger (they probably grew up around the same time as I did) but this song really represents the kind of lyrics that I always loved. Back then it was alot of Manowar for me. Despite what anyone says I still admire the ideals put forth in their lyrics from time to time (hold true to and fight for your beliefs, stand strong and alone but also recognize the ones that are like you etc). This however is "riot in everyone" by Crash Diet:

They think they can hold us down forever
But no one can beat us out of phase
We live hard, creatin' all the terror
The government is shaded by our craze

We take shit from no one
Breakin' free, never stop
Livin' rabid in the everland

Oooo we're the kids of the underground
There's a riot in everyone
We're the kids of the underground
And we're loud as we tear 'em down
Oooo we're the kids of the underground
There's a feelin' you can't deny
There's a feeling you can't deny
Coz there's a riot in everyone

They say you should live as you are told to
I say you gotta be strong and make up your own mind
Be yourself not a puppet in their freak show
Coz that's the way you'll end up when they beat you blind

Won't take shit from anyone (NO ONE)
Never played by the rules
Coz we're the kids of the underground

Our time, our ways, we're the wasted generation
Our life, we pay, with our nasty reputation
We will always be living free
Always on top of our misery
To live hard is a luxury
And to die of our prophecy

R.I.P. Dave Lepard

Nightmares...

2008-12-03T05:47:00.002+01:00

I woke up yesterday morning before my alarm clock had sounded and realized I had a bad dream. Now there is nothing extraordinary aout that, or there shouldnt be at least. However I almost never have bad dreams nowadays, and even less ones that cause me to wake up. Whatever tough times I have been though night is the one time I have never had any problems whatsoever.

Now Im not surprised. Things went pretty godd throughout my two week vacation but from this past weekend and then through monday and tuesday my mind hasnt been in the right place at all. Many thoughts have passed through, most of which I would rather not have at all. Its like if going back to work triggered it for whatever reason.

Just bring me peace of mind....

New poll and some thoughts on friendship.

2008-11-29T12:31:00.004+01:00

I'd like to start with a small note. I changed the poll. The was never satisfied with the political one since I honestly never have cared much for politics. I replaced it with a poll on which kind of music you most enjoy. Multiple answers are allowed of course.

Furthermore I have been thinking about something lately. Its basically loneliness but loneliness by choice. I have often considered myself to be a lone wolf. I have always had friends but usually just a few select ones. Right now that number is maybe 5 persons. Then I have some people I used to hang out with that I hope to regain some contact with and thats another 5 people maybe. Then there is the band but I pretty much only play music with them. And then there's friends friends that I can enjoy being around but arent that close to.

Anyways, this is what Im comfortable with. I have however realized something. I have never ever really relied on a friend until 5 years ago. That was when I met my ex girlfriend. yes the one I have a hard time getting over. I think I know why now. That was something that turned into a, for me, extraordinary friendship. I told her everything and we were in contact every day. It became a habit to tell her everything and anything that was on my mind. I never had that with anyone before. Not friends, not teachers in school and not my parents.

One of the hard parts with the break up was that now I had no one to talk to about these thing (no one that wouldnt get bored with listening to it anyway). That has been a huge thing for me. Unfortunately materializing in a negative way. The break up did cause me to get alot closer to two of my friends however which is good.

I never felt suffocated in my relationship but I can now feel it when contact with my friends get more intense. I mean I love them to death but Im just not the person who gives someone a ring and comes over for a cup of tea. I can feel restricted if things become to intense (and to intense to me probably aint nothing compared to what others think). If we go into town just to walk around and look through stores I can find myself being annoyed because things dont move along as fast as I'd like them to. Or maybe we go to a shop I dont have any interest in and I become restless and annoyed. I shut up about it of course, I can work in a team, but its just something I have become increasingly aware of.

Furthermore I start to notice small thing that annoys me about my friends if I spend to much time with them. One of my friends really wants to meet a new girl (he was dumped some months ago). And I hate it when he drinks and totally goes for it. Its so predictable and his attitude is "everyone should have a great time" but in reality he's closed in his own bubble and just care about pleasing himself and the girl or girls in question. If something non-comercial is being played on the stereo he's there changing it and saying "we should have music that suits everyone" not even thinking that the majority of people in the room probably prefer something a little more rock n' roll rather than some comercial pop stuff.

Now I dont want to create any bad feelings. I doubt any of them reads the blog but I have to say that I like em all. This is just something I have been thinking about lately. I guess its just as much a reflection of my short comings as it is of theirs. So no hard feeling if you read this alright? ;)

The Cube

2008-11-25T17:15:00.002+01:00

I re-watched The Cube today. A relatively unknown movie, at least in my circles, that has become a favorite of mine. Its the archetype for the kind of movie I like. Deep, philosophical and concentrating on the story and being minimalist with no huge need for special effects. It absolutely has its flaws but in general a really good movie. I have copied a review of it below. Im not sure however if I would recomend a person who hasnt seen the movie to read the review first. I had no idea what kind of movie this was when I first saw it and it took me by storm so remember that you have been warned ;)

Compelling idea - poorly executed
Seven strangers are trapped in a deadly maze and must work together to escape. Each of the seven prisoners has a unique personality, background, and skill set; can they work together to solve the riddle of the cube and escape? I thought this was a very interesting idea for a film and is largely driven by character development among and interaction between the prisoners. In the end though, the characters are so unrealistic and uncompelling that there is little to hold your attention. The maze, or Cube, consists of a series of interconnected rooms. Each room contains six doors, one on each wall, one on the floor, and one on the ceiling. Some of the rooms contain deadly traps that the group must figure out how to avoid. They must also figure out how to exit the maze. The six persons trapped in the maze include a college math student, an autistic man, a policeman, a doctor, a fugitive from prison, and an architect. Initially the story is very compelling: why are they in the maze? who selected these individuals? who built the maze? how do they get out? A tense, claustrophobic atmosphere is created as we learn some initial details about the maze and about the prisoners. As the story develops though, the characters start arguing amongst themselves, ultimately fighting each other. The nature of the arguments is silly, and in the end I couldn't wait for the film to be over. Once they figure out how to escape, the film turns into more of an escape/evasion type of story as some try to leave the other(s) behind. The writers and producer took this film into a pit from which it couldn't recover. Some of the most enthusiastic reviews claim that this film is a microcosm of society or other such nonsense. Balderdash. The most enthusiastic reviews grossly overstate the quality of this film. This is strictly a watch once as a rental type of film, not bad, but could have been much better.
For people with an attention spanThis is one of the most intelligent films ever made. It is a metaphor for the prison that is the limitations of the human mind/western society.

The key to understanding the film is illustrated in the open scene when we see a lone guy get turned into dog food: they can't survive alone, they have to cooperate with others.

Unfortunately, the people in the Cube though are just like me and you, they are people who have individual skills but have individual flaws and this prevents them seeing the woods for the trees. They are prisoners of the individually and socially constructed limits of imagination, they are prisoners of society and the cube is just a microcosm of this.

I find it astonishing that so few people actually seem to understand this film.
The clues throughout the film are abundant. Each of the characters' names represents a prison:

Leaven + Worth = Fort Leavenworth Prison.
Holloway = Women's Prison.
Kazan = Prison for the mentally handicapped.
Rennes = Prison that innovated many prison norms and regulations used today (Hence Renne's creativity in dealing with traps).
Quentin = San Quentin, a prison known for it's brutality.
Alderson = A prison that focuses on isolation as a form of punishment.

Each of the characters has a skill that will help the group as a whole to escape but conversely each skill is tied to some character defect. Quentin is the leader (cop) who is also a bully when he doesn't get his way, Worth is, effectively, an insider who knows about the making of the Cube - he knows that there is no master plan or conspiracy but that the Cube is just a product of people like him who just do what they are told, accept a pay-cheque and don't want any trouble. Worth is not really that bothered about telling anyone else in the Cube because he is not really concerned as to whether he or anyone else escapes - he is indifferent, 'worthless'.
Holloway cares for the mentally ill but shows no care or tact towards her peers.
Wren is an escape artist but not interested in helping the others escape.
Leaven is a pretty, young and brilliant Maths student but tends towards apathy.
Kazan is a maths genius...perhaps...but has no ability to socialize (he is autistic).
Alderson is a loner whose faith above reason destroys him very early on.

The set of characters in the cube are bound by culturally constructed laws, rules and letters. There are 26(x26x26) rooms which may represent letters in the American-English alphabet. The rooms are all marked by 3-dimensional Cartesian co-ordinates (representing the limits of human spatial imagination). Traps in the rooms conform to a rule with respect to the particular coordinates and the prime numbers applicable to the 3-digit number.
The Cube and the technological traps within thus represents western society as a product of technico-cultural evolution and the individuals inside are trapped by a) the limits of their imagination as represented by the Cube logic, as well as by b) their inability to cooperate.

These two facets are the simultaneous products of historico-cultural evolution of western thought. The Cartesian perspective of "I think, therefore I am" projects a dualist, separatist view of the world - i am different and separate from that around me. This philosophy is, in itself, a product of the legacy of orthodox Christian theology - Christianity is at heart a religion that preaches separation and ego-centrism, e.g. I am special, if I behave i go to heaven, I have an inner-self which is in some sense separate from the material world.
This perspective conflicts with Eastern philosophical doctrines such as Buddhism that emphasize instead the oneness of beings and the (physical and social) world around them. The inability of the individuals to apprehend the Cube's limitations (and thus be able to escape) is a manifestation of their own inability to throw off the shackles of their own personal and inherited socio-cultural history - they are born free but everywhere they are in chains. They are trapped by their own separatist identities, perceived failings, and ego-centrism.
Furthermore, they are victims of being part of a society that rewards such separation. They are stuck in the "Prisoner's Dilemma" (Axelrod, 1984) - the simple premise is that cooperation can provide greater benefit than self-interested behaviour but only if others are willing to cooperate. If other fail to cooperate, it is better to be self-interested rather than a sucker.
This is a frequency-dependent phenomenon meaning that if a majority decide to cooperate, then cooperation will pay and cheaters may even be punished so as to encourage cooperation - tight-knit Eastern societies such as those in Japan and China work along these principles.

So, ultimately the individuals' skills are tied to their failings as this is all part and parcel of the separatist identity they have developed - an aspect of human nature that necessarily develops from infancy to adulthood in conjunction with basic self-consciousness and identity formation but has been prolonged into adulthood by a socio-cultural western tradition routed in Christian and Cartesian separatism and egocentrism.
The prisoners' inability to recognize that they are just elements in a bigger dynamical system which doesn't render them worthless (a perceptual side-effect of egocentric excess) but rather necessary elements of the macro state, the group, accounts for their failure to escape - the irony being that the one escapee is the one that is indifferent to his fate and not bounded by the rules and regulations of the Cube so representative of the western socially constructed world.

Through the overcoming of egocentrism the individuals have the potential to escape their personal prisons that the Cube represents and that is a manifestation of a symbolic, rule-based world in which they have developed - again a Christian legacy that has affected philosophical and scientific perspectives (e.g. information theory, gene-centrism, cognitivism) and governs western thinking to this day.
From this escape they can unravel possibilities that may take them beyond the constraints of current western intellectual imagination and free them from the hell of a world that is bereft of executive instruction (whether from God, aliens, or human dictators) and is instead a socio-culturally evolved accident.
Where such a liberated path might lead noone knows, but any path out of the inferno can't be bad, can it?

Matter = fluctuations in the quantum vacuum

2008-11-23T16:14:00.003+01:00

I found this interesting article from New Scientist magazine on matter confirmed as fluctuations in the quantum vacuum:

Matter is built on flaky foundations. Physicists have now confirmed that the apparently substantial stuff is actually no more than fluctuations in the quantum vacuum. Read more...

Quite interesting albeit not surprising for anyone who has followed the development of physics for a while.

On the left hand path.

2008-11-18T21:30:00.004+01:00

(Mahakala and the wheel of life)

The subject of what the left hand path really is is a controversial one. There seems to be at least two, maybe three, main theories and based on some of the books I have read on the subject. I will present them here along with references to the books I have used. I will start with the books that deals with the oldest traditions and work my way towards today.

I'd like to start with the most ancient notes on the term left hand path that we probaly have. It is based in what we today would call hinduism and my first point is being made in the book Encountering Kali by Rachel Fell McDermott and Jeffrey J. Kripal. They write that vamachara (left hand path) tantrism is the strife to realize the nature of the world as pervaded by the one shakti (the female force, in this book specifically symbolized by Kali). This is done through rituals of pancatattva with use of the 5 forbidden things in hinduism. This is an antinomian practice that is done to overcome the apparent duality of this world. It affirms radically the way of the phenomenal world.

Next up is the book Aghora - at the Left Hand of God by Robert E. Sveboda. This is the biography of an Aghori and self proclaimed pratitioner of left hand path hinduism. This book explains the left hand path as the perfect symbiosis of right and left. The left hand does however traditionally do the more "inauspicious activities". The left hand path is the faster but more intense and dangerous path towards the goal. And the goal of both the right hand and left hand paths are to realize the universe as atma. This is done, on the left hand path, by the use of traditionally forbidden things in ritual such as corpses, sculls, menstrual blood and the eating of human flesh. The reasoning is that the aghori shouldnt fear anything in samsara because all is atma and we too are atma. To eat ones own feces not as a perversity but as a sign of recognition of the unity that is the all. "Everywhere I see, everything is Me".

Moving along to Buddhism in the book The Tantric Tradition by Agehanda Bharati. The same kind of antinomian nature is described in relation to the practices of buddhistic vamachara tantra. Here however the goal is seen to be the realization of the world as sunya or emptiness and that nothing has a real individual existence at its core.

If we make a huge leap to modern day in Stephen E. Flowers book Lords of the Left Hand Path. This perspective is highly influenced by th deinition of the left hand path as described by Dr. Michael Aquinos Temple of Set. Flowers explains that in his opinion the right hand path is the uniting of the Self with the objective universe, God or nature. The Self is destroyed. The left hand path however would then be the path to free, empower and bring forth a more forceful individual existence of the Self. Often to a level that is seen as divine. Flowers does indeed touch on other perspectives such as the ones described above that the right hand path and the left hand path does lead to the same goal but in general he doesnt deal alot with it and does everything to prove his own point. That to me is one of the major faults in the book because in all my sources that are not not connected to the "satanic scene" it is the traditional view described above (hindu and buddhistic vamachara tantra) that reigns supreme. Im not sure where the idea of the total individuation of the self entered the left hand path in the equation before the modern era. If anyone knows, please contact me.

Furthermore we have the view of the relatively small Swedish magical order Dragon Rouge in Glimpses of the Left Hand Path. Their main symbol, the dragon, symbolizes the union of all opposites. The left hand path is seen as the revival of the contact with nature, with primordial atavistic chaos, that which has been demonized by, among others, the christian religion. The feeling here is that the left hand path is non-dualist and that light and darkness complements eachother (just like it does in taoism or hinduism) while the righ hand path seeks to destroy the darkness and then reign supreme as "the one". This is also explained in Mörk Magi by Tommie Eriksson. It explains how the author sees Chaos and Darkness as the base of our existence and thus the foundation for light. We shoud then embrace all of nature and not just small parts of it and not ty to destroy one part of it which he claims is a trait of right hand path religion.

This is also a philosophy that is described by Jeremy Christner in his Kosmology booklet (not related to Dragon Rouge as far as I know). However this incorporates another element where Chaos is the foundation of all and that light emerges out of necessity but that the Demiurge who appears with the light, and is a creative aspect of light, thinks he is the be all end all of everything that is. The "dark path" would then be to fight the delusional worldview of this demiurge.

Chaos magician Peter J. Carrol writes in his Liber Null & Psychonautthat: "the magician [in the left hand path sense] aims to become a center of creation and destruction himself, a living manifestation of Chaos force within the realm of duality, a complete microcosm, a god" They see Chaos as the ruling force behind the universe and to be as Chaos would then be to act in a left hand path type of way.

Furthermore we have the Temple of the Black Light. This too is a small organisation and they have a view on the left hand path that we cant really find anywhere else. In their world light and darkness is at odds with eachother. This world, the cosmos, is a creation of the light and as such the goal is to ultimately destroy it. This is very different from hinduism and related systems who see the dark force as permeating this cosmos and actually in itself giving rise to this world. The goal is to realize this. The TotBL however has a more dualistic view and seeks to ultimately destroy this world. How they fit this into the use of hindu godess Kali is beyond me as the destruction of the world is but one of her three main qualities. The other two being the one who emanates the universe and then as the one who nurtures it.

This was written as a small overview of the different perspectives that do exist on the term left hand path and how different it can be used by different religions or in some cases different people within the same religion (at least same in regards to the name). This is no claim to any truth even though my personal feeling did shine through a few times. I hope this might create some curiosity with some readers who decide they want to know more.

Bertrand Russells views on the self and the body.

2008-11-17T12:06:00.003+01:00

This is an excerpt from Bertrand Russells essay "do we survive death" that can be found in the book "why I am not a christian". The view on the self/soul is one which I would say I have to agree with. I also agree that its highly improbable that we can survive what we know as death. Purely linguistically its of course impossible to survive death because death means that which we do not surivive. However it is so commonly used to mean the same thing as "a life after this" or and "afterlife". It can also mean the survival of the bodys death but then they reason that what we truly are (the soul) doesnt die. This is of course far from my opinions since I am not a dualist. Anyway here's Bertrand Russells thoughts on this:

Before we can profitably discuss whether we shall continue to exist after death, it is well to be clear as to the sense in which a man is the same person as he was yesterday. Philosophers used to think that there were definite substances, the soul and the body, that each lasten on from day to day, that a soul, once created, continued to exist throughout all future time, whereas a body ceased temporarily from death till the resurrection of the body.

The part of this doctrine which concerns the present life is pretty certainly false. The matter of the body is continually changing by processes of nutriment and wastage. Even if it were not, atoms in physics are no longer supposed to have continuous existence; there is no sense in saying: this is the same atom as the one that existed a few minutes ago. The continuity of a human body is a matter of appearance and behavior, not of substance.

The same thing applies to the mind. We think and feel and act, but there is not, in addition to thoughts and feelings and actions, a bare entity, the mind or the soul, which does or suffers these occurrences. The mental continuity of a person is a continuity of habit and memory: there was yesterday one person whose feelings I can remember, and that person I regard as myself of yesterday; but, in fact, myself of yesterday was only certain mental occurrences which are now remembered and are regarded as part of the person who now recollects them. All that constitutes a person is a series of experiences connected by memory and by certain similarities of the sort we call habit.

If, therefore, we are to believe that a person survives death, we must believe that the memories and habits which constitute a person will continue to be exhibited in a new set of occurrences.

No one can prove that this will not happen. But it is easy to see that it is very unlikely. Our memories and habits are bound up with the structure of our brain. in much the same way in which a river is connected with the riverbed. The water in the river is always changing, but it keeps to the same course because previous rains have worn a channel. In like manner, previous events have worn a channel in the brain, and our thoughts flow along this channel. This is the cause of memory and mental habits. But the brain, as a structure, is dissolved at death, and memory therefore may be expected to be also dissolved. This is no more reason to think otherwise than to expect a river to persist in its old course after an earthquake has raised a mountain where a valley used to be.

Congratulations Brock Lesnar!

2008-11-16T16:55:00.005+01:00

NEW UFC HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Random thoughts 15 November 2008

2008-11-15T16:04:00.003+01:00

The blog has been quiet for some time but now I had the urge to let my feelings be known on a few things.

First off I was speaking to my mother yesterday about the issue of gay marriage. In Sweden we have 4 parties that joined in an alliance to rule the country. These are centrist and right wing parties. The opposition consists of one leftist party (formerly a communist party), one enviromental party as well as the largest single party (the social democrats). Now one party is againt the right for gays to marry. The problem lies with the word "äktenskap" (translation "marriage"). This pary is know as the christ democrats and while they to are way more secularised than they used to be they do have their roots in traditional christian values.

The feeling among these people is that God made man and woman to be with eachother and made marriage an institution between man and woman. Thus they are against gay marriage because they claim marriage as a word is something reflecting a union of man and woman not of man and man or woman and woman.

The other side claims that everyone has the same right to get married and show their love for eachother independent of what sex they are. They say love is love and nothing can stand against that.

Now where do I stand in all this? I think it is a non-issue really. Its just linguistics. Its all about one tiny word. I personally dont see the importance for either side to claim this word as their own. Get over it already!

*********************************

I was at a dinner with my colegues at work last weekend and some surprising facts were being brought up. I already knew that one of my co-workers used to be in the same class att school as the woman who played the lead role in the most classic swedish cult porno of all time, Fäbojäntan, but now I have yet another connection. A girl I work with told me how her grandmothers place was the actual place for filming this movie. They apparently had no idea what kind of movie this was and they were just happy to own the houses they used for a movie. s the story goes they invited their parents to the premiere (this was when pornos were being shown on the cinemy in Sweden) - apparently still not knowing what kind of movie it was. Sadly the girl I work with didnt know the reaction they had when they saw the actual movie. Still a great story!

*********************************

Tnoight is the big match in UFC with Randy Couture defending his heavyweight title against former pro-wrestler Brock Lesnar. While one has learned to never bet aainst Couture ever I really tink Lesnar has a chance here. However Lesnar is very much an untested fighter and we dont really know how much he has in him. He is a freak of nature. Very strong, very fast and heavy (outweighs Couture by 20 pounds I believe).

Now Couture has the routine and always goes in with great gameplans but he cant do what he's usually good at and thats controling his opponent close to his own body. Lesnar will be to strong for that. At the same time Couture has out-stricken a good striker such as Chuck Lidell (well at least he was on top for a long time and really only had the striking going for him).

I think Lesnar has a fair chance of winning but at the same time I wouldnt bet against Couture. I want Lesnar to win but man betting against Couture isnt very smart most of the time. besides somethime his age must show.

*********************************

And once again I was dealing with an ignorant person. It was in a thread where I wrote that I did indeed cry at the end of WrestleMania XX when Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero celebrated together. Best friends and bot world champions on their respective brand. Both their stories has now ended, both in tragic fashion but very different from eachother. Guerrero had a hear attack a few years ago and as a result Benoit broke apart. 1,5 years ago or so Benoit hung himself in his gym after having murdered his wife and son. I dont accepts what he did the last few days of his life but he was one of the greats - all time greats even - who's legacy is forever tarnished which is a damn shame.

In any case this person replied to my post with "So you get emotionally involved in something that has been planned from the start o_O?" My reply was:

Yes, just like people cry at the movies or laugh at a play in a theater. Whats so weird about that?

People usually discredit pro-wrestling for all the wrong reasons since they themselves also enjoy scripted shows but they never think of it that way.

I just hate when peple critize me for thing they themselves have no knowledge of. This person never did respond to my comment so I guess he got the point but Im still angry that I I have to make it all the time. Learn to think bastards!

New poll!

2008-10-22T21:00:00.003+02:00

So a new poll is up and running. As with the other poll I have accepted multiple answers from one person seeing as one might not entirely be comfortable under just one label. I could not include every political ideology of course so therefore this selection that I've will have to do. If you're something else entirely just vote for "other".

Where do you stand in the political landscape (multiple answers are allowed)?

Anarchist

Communist

Socialist

Social Democratic

Enviromental (green)

Centrist

Liberal

Conservative

Fascist

National Socialist

Other

Poll results.

2008-10-18T23:47:00.003+02:00

This is the final result from the poll. While the response havent been overwhelming Im quite happy to see that the few who read this blog are from very different walks of life.

What are you (multiple answers are allowed)?

Atheist 3 (16%)

Agnostic 3 (16%)

Christian 0 (0%)

Jew 1 (5%)

Muslim 0 (0%)

Hindu 2 (11%)

Buddhist 2 (11%)

Taoist 1 (5%)

Satanist 4 (22%)

Pagan 3 (16%)

Other 6 (33%)

Number of votes: 18

The foundations of Satanism... as I would have it.

2008-10-18T21:34:00.004+02:00

In a recent comment to my post on the TotBL someone asked me what my views were on the LHP and Satanism. I did give him/her an answer but it also inspired me to make a post. I dont claim to hold this as a true version. I consider it the one that resonates the most with me and the one I think would be closest to the truth. I am however sick to death of the attitude in satanic circles about "True Satanism" and "Pseudo Satanism". This is how I would have it:

1. Non-duality. One of the things I immediately saw as a core with Satanism was the attitude of non-duality. This is hardly explained as deep as in hinduism or buddism and it doesnt even mean the same exact thing but I found it to be a fundumental principle whenever I thought of satanic concepts. Let me explain.

I regard Satanism as something seperate from Christianity but that grew out from it which is why we use the lingo we use today. Much like Christianity grew out of Judaism but really isnt Judaism anymore. Satan was the concept of what opposed the good, the perfect (i.e. God) to the christians. My conclusion was always that as a Satanist one wouldnt just accept the christian worldview but "choose the other side of the coin" so to speak. The real opposition would be to throw away the coin alltogether. That would be truly Satanic in my world.

This means that from opposition of a christian worldviewwe get something totally different. First of all one main tenets of Christianity is that they divide everything into good or bad. We have concepts such as hell, Satan, sin, chaos and material reality that opposes all that the christian views as being good. To me this means that a Satanist is one who doesnt accept the dividing of the world like this. As I have already been writing about I dont view the soul as seperate from the body. It is all one thing (or several things combining - depending on the language/explenation used - think of the difference between Nietzschean hindu "soulview"). They cant exist apart because they depend on eachother and the words sould, spirit and body are just distinctions of different processed within the whole. They cant exist apart from eachother because they are eachother.

The same way I dont believe there is a material and a spiritual world. It is all the same but we categorize the processed differently. One can say that this related to the eastern concept of the physical world as maya - or illusion. This wouldnt mean that this world doesnt exist at all only that its true "core" may be hidden. It isnt what it seems to be alot of the time. This can be strongly related to modern sub-atomic physics as well.

Furthermore Satanism would be a focus on the world we live here. Alot of religions do prepare for the inevitable death of the self and whatever they think happens after that point. Satanism would then be something quite different in that it doesnt necessarily have to deny that something can happen after this life but that the focus should be on this life because its the only one we can ever know of.

Chaos is another thing that is linked to Satan in the bible (from where we often take our words and concepts). Or more correct Leviathan and Behemoth. The christian worldview has it that chaos and darkness did indeed precede God, order and light but the two are at odds with eahother. I think you know where Im going with this by now. I wouldnt accept this at all. I do reognize both chaos and order but much like spiritual and material the two are entwined and essentially the same. Chaos with its full potentiality manifests itself in order which if we look deep enough isnt something apart or seperate but it is also chaos at its core. This too is strongly related to modern sub-atomic physics. And while things may appear as stable and unchanging everything does indeed change at all times. There is no exception. This is very Heraclitean. and this also leads to another opposition of Christianity and how it described God.

In Christianity God is actual perfection. To be perfect means to not change at all. The perfect is the highest state and to change would mean to depart from that. And something that isnt perfect at all times isnt really perfect at all. Satan and chaos would be concepts of change and dynamics that opposes concepts of an unchanging and static "anything".

On a less metaphysical side of things I would consider Satanism not as immoral but amoral. There would be no static moral laws. Morals do exist and they need to exist if we are to lie together and function well. However no rule can always be true in every situation. Some may be more useful at more times and during longer times but there are always exeptions. This would be very un-Kantian and also un-christian since both recognizes eteral laws and morals.

I may elaborate even more on this in the future but this will do for now. Any comments or questions? Feel free to ask.

Salvador Dali

2008-10-16T00:36:00.005+02:00

I was recently out looking for something to put on my walls. They are still pretty empty even though I moved in 9 months ago. I went through two whole stores with alot of pictures and without even knowing the three I really wanted were all Salvador Dali. Im not into art in a way that I know artists and their work well. I have heard of Dali for sure but never really gave much more thought to it. However here are the three paitings I found and liked:

Swans Reflecting Elephants

The Elephants

Metamorphosis of Narcisuss

Paradise Lost

2008-10-05T21:32:00.002+02:00

Farewell, happy fields,
Where joy for ever dwells! Hail, horrors! hail,
Infernal world! and thou, profoundest Hell,
Receive thy new possessor—one who brings
A mind not to be changed by place or time.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? Here at least
We shall be free; the Almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence:
Here we may reign secure, and in my choice
to reign is worth ambition though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven.

(Milton, Paradise Lost)

This quote is one of the all time classics. I stumbeled across this again a few days ago but today it really clicked with me. I think its the state of mind I am in as I write this that makes me see how true this statement really is.

Existence

2008-10-03T15:46:00.003+02:00

I found this little gem while searching for tests to take online. Im sure this isnt the original source but I found it worth putting on my blog.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

1000 Times Goodbye.

2008-09-29T18:25:00.003+02:00

MEGADETH
1000 Times Goodbye

[Dave Mustaine]

The tides of change pulled us apart
I feel a familiar pain
It seems like years since we've loved
Or even liked and that's a lonely way to be

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I will never take you back

- You know what? It's over
I just don't feel the same way as I used to
We've been together forever, but it's over

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

It seems nothing good is free
A good thing cost much more than the price
You were good but not that good
Don't kid yourself now it's time to beak up

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I'll never take you back

- Don't call me anymore. It's just not.
I don't feel the same way about you
Its not as good as it used to be

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

- I'll always love you but just not like that
- Like what?
- I want to be honest with you I met someone else
- You did what?
- And I really, I really love him like I used to love you
Remember the time that I told you that
I was going out of town for business?
Well I went to see him
- You know what? You suck!

Goodbye 1000 times
- You'll always have a special place
In my heart you know that
- It's just I can't be with you anymore it's over
Goodbye 1000 times
- Things may not work out with him
Goodbye 1000 times
- And if they don't
Goodbye 1000 times
- Then I'll certainly call you
Goodbye 1000 times
- You mean a lot to me
I still really want to be friends with you
I love you like you're my brother

*hangs up phone*

On different things...

2008-09-27T10:15:00.003+02:00

It seems like the month of September has been almost all about music posts on the blog. For some reason music has been more important to me that it has been in a while (its always a huge part though it just more now for whatever reason). There has been quite alot of Megadeth and their underrated record "the world needs a hero", I've been fighting the loudness was since Metallica released "death magnetic" and other stuff I've been into have been much in the same vein with the old classic thrash bands.

I also finally understood jazz (I think). Ive been drawn to the genre for a long time but its just now that Ive come to really understand it when listening to "The Black Box of Jazz". Perfect introduction for me.

And also this is my faorite time of the year. Autumn is so beatiful with all the colours and the fresh air. I really enjoy it. For me its better than any other season. Its a shame its so short though. But maybe that makes me appreciate it more.

There are still lots of thing going through my head and Im trying to find out the positives and negatives of some of my plans and I havent decided yet or spoken to anyone about it (and of course I wont say anything here until I know more on how I feel about it). However the last part of September has been good to me for the most part. I was down the first few weeks and then I slept two weeks away also causing headaches every day. So weird because I havent had any problems with headaches really since school and "högstadiet". I realized something was wrong so I cut back on the sleeping and feel better now.

And Im going to buy new running shoes. I think mine has done their job and wants to retire. Ive been experiencing a small pain in my right leg after running so I stopped a couple of weeks ago. Its kind of reminicant (sp?) of when I ran in bad shoes (but alot less). So new shoes it is.

Oh and my band started rehearsing new material. It was pretty fun but I prefer having heard the stuff before I try to play it. Ah well, at least were getting somewhere and out new cd will be out soon I think (delayed by at least 6 mnths at this point).

Well thats all for now.

Join the loudness wars!

2008-09-25T18:15:00.005+02:00

Lately Metallicas latest album "death magnetic" has made alot of people aware of the loudness wars that is going on in music today. It has gone so far that the dynamics of the music as well as overall sound quality is lost. In the Metallica example their retail version of "death magnetic" really is the worst sounding record I have ever heard. Now I like the songs but I am boycotting the album. I wont ever pay for a shitty product and that is what this is. Heres some information on the loudness wars:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loudness_war
http://turnmeup.org/

Now heres a video that compares the retail version of death magnetic and the guitar hero 3 version. The guitar hero version didnt go through the same mix/master (whatever it was that caused the problem) and thus sounds alot better. Remember this is from youtube so the quality is low because of that. However this will give you an idea of whats wrong but I recoment you to download the album and the guitar hero rip and compare on your home stereo or in your mp3-player. The difference is huge and after a while you will find the retail version hard to listen to.

Heres a petition to make Metallica re-issue the album with proper sound:

http://www.gopetition.co.uk/petitions/re-mix-or-remaster-death-magnetic.html

This is of course not only a problem for Metallica or metal but all music. So please join in and show that youre disapointed and want a change because as long as things happen as they do the record companies will keep doing what they are doing. Lets fight for good and dynamic sound!

I can always turn up my volume, but once the music is on the CD, I can't turn up the quality! Give the consumers quality and let us turn up the volume!

The Temple of the Black Light

2008-09-09T20:33:00.004+02:00

Now, TotBL has gotten loads of quasi followers ever since Jon Nödtveidt (of Dissection) was released from jail, reformed Dissection and the took his own life. In some way alo of people seem to think this is "the real deal", "real satanism" etc. Not so weird maybe considering the attitudes among alot of black metal fans in regards to music being "true" or "cult" or whatever.

Now I came into contact with Satanism long before I knew about TotBL (or MLO as they were known as) so naturally I have a different perspective. Alot different even. After seeing another blog link to Jason Kings you tube videos I remembered that I myself stumbled across his stuff a month ago or so. He has a video on TotBL which essentially reflects my views on them as well. I wouldnt have expressed myself quite like him but the critique is essentially the same. He however gives no time to their faulty use of Kali for example. TotBL's version of Kali is really only one third of her original meaning in hindu and tantric tradition and its a pretty laughable conclusion TotBL does in regards to her. And if they wanna reinterpret the old myths to something barely recognizable why not just make up new names for the god you wish to revere? The same thing goes for their interpretation of Set.

In any case here is the Jason King video on TotBL:

Am I unforgiven?

2008-09-04T19:27:00.003+02:00

Metallicas new album "death magnetic" was leaked and my interest in this release was pretty high even if my expectations were grounded. I've heard it 3 times and for now I'd say its good enough to buy (I always buy the music I like to support the band and the scene). The Unforgiven III has some really good lyrics and the chorus really connects with me. It's very beautiful and has alot of meaning and it hit me right in the heart when I heard it.

How can I be lost
If I've got nowhere to go
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold
How can I be lost
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive

Guns N' Roses - Patience

2008-09-02T00:00:00.003+02:00

This is one of my favorite songs ever and I like to listen to it when I'm not in that happy place I should be in. It brings out alot of sad feeling but it does contain hope as well and it's so good that I automatically feel better hearing it as well. It's a song that brings together two polarities for me and it's just beautiful.

Chaos magic II

2008-08-27T15:09:00.001+02:00

I found this post at the Abrahadbra forums. Its good, easy to understand and connects alot with my personal thoughts:

Chaos magicians do not believe in belief. There is no such thing as truth, so it's no use trying to find that one correct belief that corresponds to external reality. The core maxim of chaos magick is Hassan i-Sabbah's last words:

NOTHING IS TRUE; EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED

Yes, chaos magicians can be quite shallow and puerile (like Peter Carroll and others), but the philosophy of chaos magick, as I understand it and as I practice it, is mystic. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it is the foundation of all mysticism and all magick. Do I have your attention? Let me explain -

How is magick different from science or philosophy? Science and philosophy (analytic philosophy at least) seek to give a true account of the universe. They seek a set of propositions, sentences, mathematical equations and pictures that will give Knowledge. All you need to do is read the book and you know What's What.
Mysticism and magick, on the other hand, argue that reality and concepts are two different things. Reality is not a concept, so it can never be told. You can read The Book of The Law (and the commentaries too), but you haven't gained any insight into Truth. Truth must be experienced ('tasted' as the Sufis say), so we have all these practices to get to that state.
So aren't mystics basically just saying "Nothing is true"? That is to say, no sentence is Truth, no concept is reality. The Tao that can be told is not the true Tao.

It follows quite naturally from this that no moral law is true, therefore everything is permitted. (The teaching "Everything is permitted" is identical with the law of Thelema.)

The name 'chaos magick', in one sense, refers to the belief in Chaos as the being underlying everything. If something is Pure Chaos, then nothing can be said of it. If you can talk about it meaningfully, then it has order; it's not really Chaos. Chaos is the ineffable state from which everything emanates. It is therefore synonymous with Tao. (Compare Roman theogony, where Chaos is the father of all other gods.)

Other readings are "No thing is true", which is the Buddhist teaching of emptiness and impermance. Or "Nothing (i.e. The Void) is true", where "nothing" means something like Japanese Zen's "mu" or the Qabalistic zero.

You can, on the other hand, take the phrase "Nothing is True; everything is permitted" shallowly, to mean that there is neither mystic nor factual truth and that you should therefore follow your egotistical desires and drives like the Satanists do. Many chaos magicians do this and chaos magick has therefore gotten the reputation of being a shallow, materialistic system of sorcery. But that is just the shallowness of people with no insight and no interest in The Great Work. Similarly, I could take "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" shallowly and think it gives licence for violence, greed and pettiness, but I'd just be interpreting it wrongly.

Notting Hill

2008-08-24T20:01:00.004+02:00

I have just finished re-watching the film Notting Hill. Now people may smile or think Im just daft but I really like these cheesy love story kind of movies. And they have to have a happy ending of course. Not alot of films manage to make me laugh out loud but this one actually does. BUt it also brings forth a couple of joyful tears.

I really wish I could experience something like what they do in the movie and where things end up on a good note. I dont have a desire for it to be with a celebrity though I just want that great girl who in the end just wants to be with me. Now this may sound kind of corny but really who doesnt want that?

I thought I had it before. Walking down the street with my girlfriend just being so damn proud she was with me and not some other guy. Wanting to be with her and no one else and thinking she was in the same place. I want that feeling again but already having lost it once has made it harder for me to hope. Thats when movies like this comes in handy. They make me smile and feel better and they do manage to give me some hope even though they may be cheesy and in alot of cases unrealistic. You know at least I feel good after having seen them.

And Julia Roberts really is wonderful in this film :)

To vote or not vote.

2008-08-24T08:39:00.003+02:00

Just a small note before I go to a friend to study some. Yesterday I was thinking about a conversation I had at work with a woman who I think to a large degree summarizes the general Swedish standard outlook on things. Actually I get mad about her opinions alot of times but the thing this time around was about democracy and voting.

I dont know what other countries say but in Sweden alot of people is taught that if one doesnt vote at all (not even a blank vote) one has no right to complain about the political climate. I think that is totally wrong (and this comes from someone who did vote in the previous election).

Why would anyone take away the feelings of unsatisfaction with the current political climate if one doesnt vote. Sure the individual hasnt done anything to change the climate through voting but who took away his or her right to not me satified because of that?

Back when I was in school I remember what caused the most controversy was the amount of people not voting. Ever since I've seen these tendencies outside of just the school world as well. With less votes in general people worry about more extreme parties may thrive or the established parties finally get their head out of their asses and try to be creative to lure people back into voting for them. To just vote blank almost never gives anything. People just nod their heads and say "ok, so no existing party suited them, thats alrigh" and nothing is ever done about it. I think not voting at all is a bigger statement that one really doesnt believe on what the parties have to say.

And to make a extreme comparison no one ever say that the fans didnt have a right to be disapointed with say the Swedish football team in the world cup this summer. Very few outside of the team has probably had anything to do with their training, getting better and working to eliminate their weaknesses. Regardless people were so disapointed and starte to complain. Thing is even if we arent directly involved in a process I think we have the right complain about it if we see that it isnt any good according to our standards. Why shouldnt we?

Unplanned and unscripted.

2008-08-23T11:57:00.002+02:00

I usually tend to plan out what I am going to write before I actually log in to publish it on the blog. This time however I havent done so. So if this post seems a little bit random and if different parts of it may not connect with eachother thats why.

I've been in the same place for several months now. Neither is it getting worse nor better. Im still feeling down which is also why I seemingly have no interest in reading up on heavy subjects such as religion and philosophy. What I have been able to read that makes me escape is Terry Funks biography. A good book I started on a year ago or so but never got through. Im almost done with it now and it has helped me to think of other things. While on the subject of wrestling even though I saw NOAH live this year I have not seen a whole lot of their product in 2008. However WWE have really been at it throughout the summer. Im really enoying thir stuff now probably more than I have since I started watching RAW and SD on ar egular basis (mate 2001). Just alot of things happening, new or fresh talent pushed (CM Punk, The Brian Kendrick, Edge and MVP) and old talent pushed just right (Undertaker and Triple H) etc. They are on a roll. Its just to bad William Regal messed up his push. I'd love to see that go somewhere.

I have also been worrying about the future. Of course I still cant let go of the past which really sucks and which makes me not being able to focus on what I want to do now. What I know is that I should look into getting a new job. I've been looking at some stuff in the hotel business. Its a little bit better payed and I think it wont tear as much on the body as my current job does.

I was also out to dinner with a friend a couple of days ago. It was a great storm that day but of course it came when I had already decided to go from the train to the sub-way station where we decided to meet. Sure, I had an umbrella but with the hard and heavy wind and the raining of cats and dogs I was soaked from the waist down when we got there. Not very pleasant. Anyway my friend and I spoke and he thinks I should get my education. I basically have 2 years of religion and one year of philosophy and just some small stuff to get the last remaining points in each course. If I read some more I could probably become a teacher. We will get together tomorrow to study sso we'll see how that works out.

However I also have a strong urge to move, and when I say move I mean far away. Im thinking London would be cool. However Im not sure I want that because of the right reasons. As you all know my ex is from England (not London though) and I was so set on moving there. If I do now Im scared it might still be because of her even though we do not speak to eachother anymore. A part of me want to do it to be free and come to something all new and start over. Another part of me wants to do it so I can be in the same country as my ex if things dont work out for her so I can easily go to her. I know its fucked up.

Last weekend my band played a show in Norway at the small Mölla festival. It was great and Knut (the man in charge) was great as always. It was intense though and I didnt enjoy much after the gig the same night. Its just people doing stuff that other friends also experimented with a few years ago and Im not really into that kind of stuff (I guess you know what I talk about). I hope they grow away from it eventually. My other friends did. However this being the music scene one never knows :-|

And also Im getting ready for my first run in over a week. I was of course busy the last weekend and then I have had a small pain in my leg the following week. Nothing serious I dont think but I dont wanna make it worse. Man I hate when I havent trained for a while and then start doing it again. Its never fun but maybe it can clear my mind somewhat. At least for the moment.

Im trying to think if there was more stuff I wanted to get of my chest but I cant think of anything. So over and out...

Votes for "other" in the poll.

2008-08-16T06:36:00.003+02:00

I have seen that 5 people have voted "other" in the poll. Why not make a comment to this post and tell me what you consider is the best religious label for you?

Update!

2008-08-09T23:18:00.003+02:00

I made a small update with a link list and the possibility to subscribe to the blog. The links do not necesarrily reflect my own thoughts and opinions but for one reason or another I find them worthy of a read. More links will be added as time goes by.

Edit #1: The Temple of Set website is listed because of the two excellent e-books Michael Aquino hs published there. One is his view on The Church of Satan from 1966 to 1975 and the other deals with The Temple of Set but it is a work in progress (i.e. uncomplete).

Two short texts are linked to, Tao Te Ching and Heraclitus Fragments. Both well worth a read but I may not agree with all they have to say. There is also a article on Sunyata and atman, the relationship between hinu and buddhistsic metaphysics. Interesting stuff.

The 600 Club and Abrahadbra websites have nice forums which I like to visit every now and then. At times there are some threads that are well worth a read.

I linked to Cavalcare La Tigre because the author sometimes touches on some really interesting subjects even though I dont agree with him(?) in general. The Stinas blog I found only yesterday and since I've been playing with the though of moving to London I found her story interesting and worth a read.

The extent of magick's power.

2008-08-06T21:51:00.002+02:00

These are two posts from the abrahadabra forums. I love the response given to post numer one.

coma_gnosis:

Chaos magick can do many things, it seems. It can bend "laws" of nature, change what is considered unchangeable, and create things and situations that could be considered impossible by others...

I've encountered many people who claim that magick can only affect the mind, some who say magick can have only slight affects on the world, others who say magick can do some things but not others, and other people who believe magick can do pretty much anything. I am of the last group. I think that magick can do things considered impossible by others.

I believe magick can trigger physical effects instantly, I believe it can changes a physical shape into another, I believe it can break any "law" or "rule" that would limit a magician.

I don't believe these things so that I'll feel more in control of my life or so that I'll feel special. I simply don't see any point to not believing you can do something. After all, if you don't believe something will work, it probably isn't going to. But if you believe it can, there's a chance it can work and you can do things experience life in ways that those who doubt cannot.

Have any of you experienced an "impossible" thing because you believed?

Wolfman:

I've experienced 'impossible' things and I don't think it mattered whether I 'believed' in what was happening or not. I think that's the trick: Humans get so caught up in what they 'believe in' or what they don't - when all along the multiverse is doing exactly what it wants to.

Directionless.

2008-08-03T23:42:00.003+02:00

I have been rather unsure of what direction I want to take with my life as of late. Well, more than usual. I wrote on the blog about how I met this girl I had an interest in. I also wrote a post on how happy I was for stepping away from the whole thing in time. And I truly was even if I still enjoyed being friends with her.

However I made things complicated a few days ago and I think looking back at things that we both made some bad moves. In any case it seems like she doesnt want to speak to me anymore which is a shame because I really enjoyed her as a friend. I guess part of that is because of my behaviour of not being able to know what I want.

All of this is of course because of my mental state and Im always looking for things to break the pattern but Im still very much locked inside a bubble I seemingly cant break out of. Like right now for example. It really is to late for me to be up because Im off to work early tomorrow morning but when I went to bed my mind just couldnt relax. I have so much in my head right now and I dont know what to do about it so here I am writing to get my mind to rest. I know that it will work eventually.

They say after rain comes sunshine but its been raining for so long that I have almost forgotten how the sun looks. And everytime I have a good few days or a week I somehow fall back. Its not as bad as it was before but its pretty scary because it seem like its been flattened out. I see no improvement at all. I dont want this to be my "neutral state of mind" so to speak.
Im searching hard to find a way to keep on improving.

Human beings?

2008-08-03T14:10:00.001+02:00

We are human beings not human doings.

(Norwegian woman on some tv-show)

Bertrand Russell quotes with comments.

2008-07-26T17:43:00.002+02:00

I found more Russel quotes and I thought I'd include them here as well in a updated version of the original post. I will also add commentaries to them and how they apply to my life.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

This is just plainly a good quote and it shows us what the essence in life should be. If you enjoy something it is not wasted or unneccessary. The true meaning of life should be this. Do what you enjoy and enjoy what you do. Happiness is the key.

We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams.

This struck me as very true because today I am so very torn between the two. In many ways I remember and glorify the past but my dreams are still rooted in the past. Everyone who has read this blog for some time know of my situation. I have been miserable losing the girl in my past. I had the dreams of creating a family with her and moving from Sweden to England to be closer to her. It all came crashing down and I have been in a very rough condition for a long time now. However all I can seem to dream about now is that I still want to move. I dont expect to get my ex girlfriend back. That would be stupid considering all things that has went own. However I still want to live in England and for some reason I feel ready to give up my apaprtment (which is very nice) and maybe take a even lower job on the scale of pay and reputation. My mind was so ready for everything that a move would include that when the original reason for the move "went away" my mind was still not attached to the life I live here and now. Its still way off in some foreign country creating a new life for itself over there. Thus my memory and my dream is so much interconnected and in a bad way that I dont feel rooten in where I am today.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.

And of course this is the continuation of what I wrote before. I want to change the past more thn anything. I used to say that I didnt regret anything because it all made me what I am today. Well thats not how I feel anymore. Maybe I will feel like what Im going through now was necessary if I will be happy in the future but right now there are things in my past I would have liked undone. I wish I could go back 4 years in time or so and know all I know now and reverse a few descicions I made back then. Because I know I cant change the past Im worrying about the future. Im actually pretty scared that if I do something now and take a chance things will get even worse than the are now (mentally that is). Of course they could turn out to get better as well and the one who doesnt try will never know but the fear of things getting worse is unfortunately overwhelming.

Proof of an intellectual creator god!

2008-07-26T14:02:00.004+02:00

Yes, the subject line if misleading. I came across a post on the Flashback forums claiming to have proof that science and religion talks about the same thing and tat science actually agrees with religion that there is a singular, intellectual creator god. As of right now I wont comment on it more than that I will say that the posters reasoning is highly stupid and simplified. If anyone is interested in the relation of science and religion I recomend Fritiof Capras "the tao of physics". He doesnt claim science justifies religion but that they try to describe the same thing. He never claims science accepts the thought of some kind of intelligence that created the universe but point to th similarities between mythics way to describe reality and what we with modern physics have arrived at in terms of knowledge.

Now this is the post from the Flashback forum. Once again this is a way to show the stupidity of some people that actually believes this stupidity. The post is in Swedish and I havent translated it yet. I might do so in the future. We'll see. Anyway here it is, originally posted by the the user srednabr at this location:

Bevis för existensen av en superintellektuell Skapare.

Forskare är överens om att materia slutligen består består av en kombination av rena krafter (kvarkar) som har sitt ursprung i en Ursprunglig Kraft, en Singularitet. Omvänt hävdat; den Singulariteten är ansvarig för allting fysiskt i universum, all materia och alla lagar som styr materia. Inte heller kan någon intelligent person fly slutsatsen att universum manifesterar, vid varje vridning/vändning [engelska "at every turn"], intelligent design; av en intelligens som långt övergår vår egen. Således så möter vi oundvikligen en superintelligent Singularitet. De mest eminenta vetenskapsmän, inklusive fysiker, tillstår det.

Det är inte logiskt försvarbart att hävda ”det är omöjligt för någon att helt och hållet bevisa att det finns eller inte finns en Skapare.” Som bäst kan du endast hävda att du inte känner till ett sådant bevis. Det existerar faktiskt ett sådant bevis.

Här kommer följande bevis att det finns en Singularitet-Skapare, det väkl kända reductio ad absurdum-beviset (engelska: proof by disproof; bevis genom motbevis).

-Antagande: Det finns ingen Singularitet (Skapare).

-Således: Det finns ingen materia eller fysiskt universum som fogar sig efter de kända fysiska lagarna.

-Fakta: Det finns materia och ett fysiskt universum som fogar sig efter de kända fysiska lagarna. (Motsättningen bevisar antitesen till antagandet; t.ex. bevis genom motbevis).

-Således: Det finns en Singularitet (Skapare)!

(källa: www.netzarim.co.il)

mvh Anders Branderud
Efterföljare till Ribi Yehoshua – Messias – i ortodox judendom.

On being happy even though things dont go as planned.

2008-07-22T21:25:00.005+02:00

The last few days has been a rollercoaster in more ways than one but something good happened. I decided on something and it turned out to be the right thing all along. I've been talking about meeting someone but after we discussed something I wasnt sure. Lets just say there were personality traits that she had that I had a problem with. She was open with it to me and Im thankful for that.

A day after we had our talk she was listed as "in a relationship" with someone else on facebook. Im so glad I detached myself from that. One of her traits was to live double lives and being impulsive and such. This proves that she had something going on at the same time as she was coming on to me. I never let myself get caught up to much in this mostly because of my history but then also because it would probably be a bad fit if we ever got together.

I know she reads the blog from time to time so I wanna say thank you because you did make me happier for a little while (even though I'll never know your real intentions) and Im happy that I made the right judgment about you. So even though Im looking for someone you clearly werent the one and Im glad I got out before you would hurt me. I gotta say I had my doubts about my descicion (as you know) but Im glad it happened. And the good thing is that I've gained a new friend. All is good :)

Now I'll deal with everything else again.

Good riddance!

Vacation

2008-07-15T14:10:00.002+02:00

Yeah it's vacation time. I actually have nothing planned - not single thing. There has been some loose talk about a couple of things but right now it's all up to other people to decide what they wanna do. I'm free and I have said I'm up for it.

If nothing happens then I'm in for a pretty boring vacation. I only took 2 weeks in hope to find something more fun to do later on in the year. I've been thinking of going to some other country and catch a few concerts or something and I have loads of days to take to make that happen. A trip down to gothenburg has been talked about as well as a cruise so we'll see what happens.

Right now, Im writing here because Im bored though. I have some stuff to do but its all boring cleaning jobs so Im reluctant about doing it. It always feels good after Ive done it though so maybe I should start :/

Otherwise Ive been watching loads of movies the last few days. I'll give you some short reviews:

300 - This is the ultimate Manowar movie. Pumped up muscular men beating all odds. Lots of game blood (as in x-box or whatever - it disappears in this air) and lots of fighting. Overall I like the "cartoon style" but the movie itself wasnt very good.

American girl - about a white trash family with their father in prison and what happens on the annual picnick day. Not very good or convincing - at least not to me.

Definitely maybe - This one I liked. A man tells his daughter about his history with the girls he dated. Simplle comedy/romance/drama stuff. Probably what one would call a chick flick but I dig that kind of movie.

Hulk - the 2003 version I believe. Lots better than I remembered it as (I didnt even see it all the way through the first time around). Still nothing compared to the good superhero movies (Batman Begins, X-men etc) but alright.

13 - only saw the first 15 minutes or so. Crap to me.

Hitman - pretty much crap. I hate when movies even defy their own logic. Who walk around with swords on their backs anyway when they can just shoot the target with the guns they already hold in their hands? Ah well...

Oh and also I've just discovered how good the recent stuff Samael has released really are. Great industrial metal highly recomended to anyone that likes that style. I will buy a bunch of their albums for sure.

R.I.P George Carlin

2008-07-15T12:14:00.002+02:00

George Carlin - Religion is bullshit:

George Carlin - Defrags the 10 Comandments:

There should be just one commandment - "Be excellent to eachother". Something I know Rufus, ehum, George did agree with me on.

How to be an online metal head!

2008-07-14T18:38:00.002+02:00

I found this on the Ultimate Metal Forum. Not sure if non-metalheads find it funny but I do. Unfortunately it's true in alot of cases:

1. Every band you don't like sucks. You know the critically acclaimed band that revitalized the genre that you personally never got into? They suck. There's no room for debate; they just utterly blow ass. Make sure you're always ready and willing to point this out on various Internet forums/message boards/communities to fans of the band. In fact, you should take advantage of every opportunity and jump at any mention of the band, no matter how minuscule. Listen, it isn't enough to call an oft-praised band "overrated"; you must bring to light their extreme suckiness. No excuses.

2. Word play is a metalhead's best friend. Since you'll be frequently conversing in various online metal communities, it's important that you utilize the target band's name. A statement like "Band X sucks" is a good start, but if you want to improve your metalhead credibility, you're going to have to get more sophisticated than that. Never pass up the chance to twist and bend a band's name to include some negative word play. Some of the more effectual terms you can inject into a band name include, but are not limited to, "gay," "fag," "sucks," "shit," and my personal favorite, "turd." For examples, consider the following: "Trivicum" (Trivium), "Craptallica" (Metallica), "Blowpeth" (Opeth), "Lamb of Gay" (Lamb of God), "Iron Gayden" (Iron Maiden), "Mastodong" (Mastodon), "Panterrible" (Pantera), etc.

3. Make use of negative labels. Generalizing an entire group or thought process works in politics, so why not music? There's really no limit to what you can stick a label on. Bands, the members of a band, the band's fans – hell, even entire genres are up for a good ridicule by way of labeling. The best part about labels is that they don't even have to hold any significant meaning; they just need to sound unfavorable. "Mallcore," for example, doesn't need to carry a negative denotation, as long as it connotes a feeling of shitty music. Your use of "-core" doesn't end at "mall," so don't let an opportunity to use such gems as "fagcore," "shitcore," and "douchecore" slip by.

4. Adjust to tunnel vision. You may from time to time be tempted to listen to a band you once derided despite never having heard a single song of theirs. Resist the temptation! If you keep yourself in the dark and refuse to listen to any of the band's songs, you can still argue for their suckiness, and you won't be a hypocrite in the eyes of your fellow metalhead. This goes double for any of those fagcore genres; every single band that even so much as resembles that style of metal is shit. There's no two ways about it. If you can't resist the temptation, then make sure you never let anyone know you listen to the band in question, and fervently deny every accusation of hypocrisy.

5. The Internet is no place to be insightful. Make your point, and make it quickly. Rarely will you need more than a single sentence to describe how purely awesome a band is or how ridiculously awful another is. Don't get bogged down trying to think of something clever; leave the intelligent prose to the professional critics who, by the way, are always wrong. Keep your caps lock on, and don't be afraid to use an excessive amount of exclamation points.

6. Points are awarded for obscurity and deducted for popularity. So one of your favorite bands who you've listened to for years has just sold 100,000 copies of its most acclaimed album. This may go without saying, but it's time to drop those fucking sell outs like the greed-mongering posers they really are. Any CDs, posters, t-shirts, and magazines featuring said band must be burned immediately. Delete any trace of the band from your computer. Deny ever having listened to them. Once all this is complete, you can successfully rebound by finding the most obscure metal bands you can. Don't worry about quality – whether they're any good or show any potential isn't important; what's important is that you find that one band that no one has ever heard of. A good find will vary, but extra points go to the enthusiast who finds a band that only produced one song before breaking up indefinitely: a self-released demo only available on their now-defunct website.

That concludes my suggestions for being a metalhead online. Have fun, and remember, Internet anonymity is what keeps metal alive.

Opinions wanted.

2008-07-12T10:23:00.003+02:00

I see that there have been a few hindus visiting the blog (well 2 according to the poll). Im interested to hear from you what you think of my interpretations of "your" godess. Im sure it differs and I am eclectic in that I use loads of different symbols from different traditions that to me ultimately tries to explain the same thing. Which actually makes me think that it would be fun if anyone would comment on the way I connect certain things like for example the post on hinduism, buddhism and satanism. In other places I have put taoism and old northern religion into the mix as well. I'd love to hear from people what they think about the stuff I write. Positive or negative doesnt really matter but I want it to be constructive not just random use of negative words or such.

Of course anyone is free to comment on stuff I put in the "personal" category as well (which seems to be the part that intrigues most of my readers).

Überman!!!

2008-07-11T20:36:00.003+02:00

To concentrate.

2008-07-09T20:41:00.002+02:00

Just a quick note on something I always notice but have a hard time making go away. I am very restless. I have probably up to 10 books I have started to read without finishing a single one. I started listening to audio books and I have started with two but only have the patience to listen if Im doing something else at the same time (like sitting on a train going somewhere). I never have any real patience when it comes to practice my bass playing either or even watch movies or other things on the tv.

It has become quite a problem since I have a hard time finishing things, anything really. The things is I have nothing better to do and often I find myself bored but Im to restless to actually do and finish something. Any advice on how to overcome this kind of behaviour is welcome.

On showing weakness.

2008-07-09T14:37:00.003+02:00

For a long time now I have been a person who's been very cautios about not projecting the "wrong" image of myself to people. Its not that I have lied to make myself look better but I might have not told them about certain parts of my life. This is probably something that has grown in my head because of some of my morals and desires not to be like veryone else or not to be like the common image of whatever I have labeled myself. Let me explain.

I have in the past been cautios to reveal to much personal thing because I dont want people to use it against me. I think this stems from debates on the subject of religion where the opponent might use my weakness or inconsitencies against myself. I have been attracted to Satanism alot and its ethics are often elitist. Either one considers oneself the elite as a static thing, like alot of the Church of Satan people, ("we are our own gods") or as a dynamic thing like the Temple of Set that seeks to perfect the self through hard work. In this case Im leaning more towards ToS for sure. I think its supid to have a static view in this case but thats beside the point.

Thus I sometimes have held back the personal me from the debater. Granted it has often worked well but eventually the two also got seperated in real life which is where Im at today. Im trying to find my way back to where the two can be one, at least in my private life. This blog was first created as a diary output but I erased it after just a few posts. Then I decided to make it purely about religion and pilosophy. As time moved on the two became one and today I think its a nice mix of the two and that gives the reader a more complete picture of myself as well.

I have always valued life as it is, the acceptance of what I am here and now. That means both positives and negatives. I used to say that I dont regret anything because Im happy with who I am today. At this moment I cant say the same, Im not totally happy or satisfied with how certain things have turned out but I do have a good acceptance of myself as I am. I dont give a shit anymore if someone would try to win an argument against me because "my philosophy has made me feel like Im not happy with life". Its not like that anymore. Everyone has their problems, and Im sure most have gone through really tough times either mentally or physical or both. These are the times we are shaped the most.

I have had two really hard times in my life that I can remember and both has had an enormous impact on me. The last one is still in progress in the way that Im still trying to find my way back. But the thing is that I am on the way to do that and while Im not happy with everything right now (how one can ever be is beyond me) Im shaping my future and things are way better now than they were before.

So I dont care anymore if I fall into a cliché category. I am me and dammit its my right to be me and to enjoy it.

Thus spoke a long haired, metalheaded, pro-wresting and mma fan who's into the less conventional side of religion and philosophy.

Yin/Yang picture

2008-07-05T15:26:00.003+02:00

I came across this picture that depicted the yin/yang symbol in a different kind of way. I have no permission to publish it but hope its alright. If not the artist may send me a note and ask me to remove it.

Just stuff...

2008-07-02T18:56:00.003+02:00

Just thought I should write to say Im still alive! Well thats no shock but I havent felt very inspired the last few days or even weeks. The fire has been (temporarily?) lost. I have no ideas as to what to write about on the blog so I will give it a rest until I find inspiration again. Im sure its sooner rather than later.

Not much has happened in my day to day life either. Been working as usual and I was out this Sunday with friends. We played some pool and some poker before going to see the championship match between Spain and Germany. However we didnt get into the park where they have the big screen (it was full) so we had to sprint through half of stockholm city to catch the train and get home in time for the second half. Im no big football fan (yes I want to call i football not soccer) so I didnt mind that much. It was fun regardless.

Got a few weeks off work pretty soon as well but still no plans set in stone. I have some ideas but I dont know what (if anything) will happen.

I have also been more serious to finish the university courses that I havent finished and maybe read p on one more subject so I get a degree so I can get myself a better job. I might actually do this during my weeks off work. It would be nice to finish up all the stuff thats been pushed back for so long now. The D level essay in religion is practically finished but I need to start working on a good subject for a B level essay in philosophy as well.

Ah well, thats all for now. Just random thoughts, nothing big, just like my life right now :/

NOAH in Coventry, England

2008-06-23T19:52:00.004+02:00

So Im back from Coventry, England. I had a great weekend traveling with lots of cool people to see the japanese pro-wrestling group NOAH's first ever show outside of Japan. We went to a meet and greet and met alot of the wrestlers on the show. By far the coolest was to meet Kenta Kobashi, a living legend. I wont publish any of those phots here. I dont wish for anyone to see how I look :P + The pics didnt turn out that good and as usual my face is all red :)

The show was awesome as well. The best wrestling show Ive been to (up until today Ive been to 9 shows in total I think). So heres some of the better pictures I took during the trip:

Chapter III - Life after death

2008-06-16T21:34:00.002+02:00

First a short note on the poll I put up. 6 people answered so far which is more than I originally though. So far a nice spreading of beliefs which is great. I hope to not appeal only to one kind of person. Lets see if I can get any jews, muslims or christians to read this as well :)

Now to Chapter III on why some of my foundational beliefs clash with those of the religious men and women of the world. This time the article is based on the nation that there does not exist a afterlife.

I value life as the existence of conciousness, the existence of me. Death is non-existence of that which I call myself just as a dead flower withers and rot so will I. Once rotten I become earth and take my place as something for worms to crawl in and for plats to grow in. In this sense one can say that "that which was me" becomes somthing else. However this something else isnt something that is ultimately concious. However it can and probably will feeed a concious creature in the future.

Most religions have notions of a life after death, or maybe more correct an afterlife. In some religions like christianity there are two alternatives. One good and one bad depending on how one has acted in this earth bound life. In other religions like buddhism and hinduism one is stuck in samsara, the cycle of life, and one wants to realize how the world is "founded" to escape reincarnation. Anton LaVey to spoke about a life after death through fulfillment of the ego. There are two interpretations here. One is the literal one that he actually spoke of a life after this through hard work and strenthening of oneself. This one is easy to see since thats what he writes about in the chapter that deals with afterlife in "the satanic bible". However as Satanism became more and more atheistic and non-mystical in its approach this has often also been seen as purely symbolical. These people usually point us in the direction of a sentence at the beginning of the very same book;

Thus shall you make yourself respected in all the walks of life, and your spirit - your immortal spirit - shall live, not in an intangible paradise, but in the brains and sinews of those whose respect you have gained.

This passage is two-fold. It is usually said to be very un-spiritual since its all about gaining a afterlife not through actual survival of death yourself but through being remembered by others. At the other hand the author, originally Ragnar Redbeard and then Anton LaVey, have no problem with calling something "your immortal spirit". Im not gonna go deeper now but this is the two-foldedness of LaVeyan Satanism that makes it harder to pin down than one seems to think.

One important part though is that the LaVeyan does not wish to destry his ego or his self but sees it as of vital importance to keep living. Alot of religious traditions preach the annihilation of the ego, sometimes of the self and alot tells us that we either already are one with everything else or that the goal should be to regain a oneness (that is a loss of self) to unite with "God". Now I have touched upon this before in this blog. I see life as a web and all things are ultimately connected somehow. However this does not mean that doing individual distinctions isnt right. Its how we percieve the world and its not necisarrily wrong. I often talk about the self as a wave on the ocean. Its a part of the ocean and what constitues the wave is under constant change. What makes the wave is the energy manifesting in the material. But even being a part of the great ocean it is also distinct. We can follow a single wave all the way until it crushes into land and dies.

Now this is what I believe. We are a part of a big whole and when we die we do dissapear into this great whole and ultimately comes out as something else. The enery transforms into something else but it cant be said to be a new life in another dimension or a rebirth or reincarnation.

I find it of utmost importance to strengthen oneself in every contructive way in life. The annihilation of the ego is possible but only through death and death to me is the ultimate no-thing. There is no conciousness. When I die I wont know the difference. There wont be eternal bliss, there will be nothing for I do not exist to actually experience anything.

The strengthening of myself and my ego (the feeling of an "I") is also important in regards to living a creative life. A person who lacks this cant be living a good life either. Life starts and ends with me, the I. We are forever alone in our perception of the world. You can never know how any other conciousness experiences things. We may have an idea and can communicate experiences through language but we can never actually know. So without the self or the I we are nothing at all and cant act since action need both subject and an object. Or "something that influences something" therefore a view that things are obects. This is the great thing about this universe. The foundation is chaos, nothingness or subatomic energy (all physicists excuse me is thats not the right words for it, i believe you know what I mean). The big one-ness that gives birth or manifests in the particular. In taoism the "wuji" manifests in the yin and the yang (which are onething but two at the same time) and in science this is all represented in modern sub-atomic physics.

Second update

2008-06-12T20:01:00.002+02:00

Just a small note on a couple of updates. I added a small poll to the left. If people vote I will keep it if not I will delete it. Simple as that. I have also been labeling my posts so its easier to find older posts. Right now there are just 3 categories "wisdom" (all things relating to religion and philosophy), "personal" (anything personal/my diary comments) and "other" (as of right now mostly updates and lyrics). I might specify the labels but for now this will do.

Over and out.

Small update

2008-06-11T12:10:00.003+02:00

Yeah, there is no real substance to this post. I felt like I wanted to write something but I dont really have the strength to do so. I have been home sick for a few days now doing nothing but eat, sleep, breathe and shit. Its very rare that I get sick so I hope this is it for another few years. I bet it had to do with me bathing in a lake during the weekend.

Anyways things have happened in my life that has made me alot more happy as a person which is a great change from how things have been these past few months. While I dont, at this moment, know what will happen there are things Im definately looking forward to in the future. I met this great girl and I hope something good will come from that and I also have a trip coming up to see NOAH. Me and a couple of friends have also been very active in doing stuff together which has been great. Just this past weekend we went to Falun Mine which was well worth the money. Ive been in the Sala Mine before but it was a long time ago. Truly fascinating stuff.

Otherwise I have nothing else to report other than that Im thinking of what part III will be of my "why Im not religious" article. It ma be something regarding a life after this life or maybe something on theism, atheism and agnosticism (subjects Ive already touched on in this blog). We'll see what happens and when it happens. Right now I'll concentrate on getting healthy.

The part of the mine thats above the ground. Its alot bigger below what you can see in the picture (that I feel doesnt make reality justice).

A pagan dies...

2008-05-31T15:32:00.002+02:00

I found this little story on another blog and I thought I would publish it here as well:

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The Pagan asks, “Where am I?”

Peter says, “You’re at the gates of heaven.”

The Pagan says, “But I don’t believe in heaven.”

Peter frowns at him. “You’re one of those Pagans, aren’t you?”

“Yes. I believe I’m in the wrong place; I’m supposed to go to Summerland.”

Peter says, “Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it’s temporarily closed for remodeling.”

“What should I do now?”

Peter says, “Well, since we don’t allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left.”

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. “Hello, I’m Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?”

“Yes, I am. What’s going to happen now?”

Satan says, “Well, the fishing’s pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There’s a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill.”

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, “And what was THAT ???”

Satan rolls his eyes. “Oh, just ignore them. They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Chapter II - Amoralism

2008-05-28T20:49:00.002+02:00

Ok so its time for Chapter II on why some of my foundational beliefs clash with those of the religious men and women of the world. This time the article is based on the nation that there does not exist a objectiv morality.

I for one does not believe that morals have no use. I absolutely think that morals and ehics are of great use but I lack a belief in the absolute existence of moral laws.

Religious people often claim that there is a right and a wrong way to conduct oneself. This set of morals derive from a static source, it does not change. This source is God, in their minds perfection itself. Using perfection to describe their God is a way to further claim that God is totally static. Think of it for a second. Nothing that is perfect can become less or else it wouldnt be perfect in staying perfect. If it were to ecome something more than it already is then i wasnt perfect in the first place. Now my basic premise is that all is change and I cant see how one can say that this change is perfect. Maybe perfect imperfection or alike is a better way to say it. It is nothing and it is all but neither by itself.

With this in mind there cant ever be anything static and this is also true of morals. Apart from my disbelief in any personal, anthopomorphic, concious gods or godesses this basic premise of the universe is in great conflict with the notion of static values.

My firm belief is that humans create values for themselves. Some of it is very similar all over the world, other things are area specific and some are even specific in a very small circle like a family. These can appear static but are always in more or less change. We are brought up with certain values some of which we cling to for the rest of our lives and some which we leave at a very early stage.

For Immanuel Kant the importance lies within how one acts and not what the result is. This is because he believed in a static morality and the action itself is regarded to be good or evil even before one can see the results. For me the value does not lie in the action itself, even if the intent can have a great importance too, but one really needs to see what the result is before judging. Christianity, islam and judaism are all filled with static morality that one even gets punished for breaking. Even a system which I think at its core is amoral like taoism does include notions of objective morals, or at the very least alot of readers have made interpretations like that when reading the tao the ching for example. Hinduism is very multi-faced but does include alot of static morality as well, or morality derived from the gods.

Ayn Rand writes:

The clearest symptom by which one can recognize [the amoralist] is his total inability to judge himself, his actions, or his work by any sort of standard. The normal pattern of self-appraisal requires a reference to some abstract value or virtue—e.g., “I am good because I am rational,” “I am good because I am honest,” even the second-hander’s notion of “I am good because people like me.” Regardless of whether the value-standards involved are true or false, these examples imply the recognition of an essential moral principle: that one’s own value has to be earned.

The amoralist’s implicit pattern of self-appraisal (which he seldom identifies or admits) is: “I am good because it’s me.”

Beyond the age of about three to five (i.e., beyond the perceptual level of mental development), this is not an expression of pride or self-esteem, but of the opposite: of a vacuum—of a stagnant, arrested mentality confessing its impotence to achieve any personal value or virtue.

Do not confuse this pattern with psychological subjectivism. A psychological subjectivist is unable fully to identify his values or to prove their objective validity, but he may be profoundly consistent and loyal to them in practice (though with terrible psycho-epistemological difficulty). The amoralist does not hold subjective values; he does not hold any values. The implicit pattern of all his estimates is: “It’s good because I like it”—“It’s right because I did it”—“It’s true because I want it to be true.” What is the “I” in these statements? A physical hulk driven by chronic anxiety.

This is where I disagree. I personally regard myself as amoralist but in the sense that refer to a lacking that the concepts of moral right and wrong have any absolute and objective existence. This does not mean that there are no morals or that I dont have any values. I absolutely have values, morals and goals. I really look up to some of these values and try to shape my lif after what I think would be ideal, but that is what would be ideal for me. Not for everyone else or even for someone else. Morals are ever changing and subjective. To create a society the illusion of static morals are very much a necessity though. Somehow alot of people can seem smart when alone but become idiots in a group. Without any morals there would probably be raging chaos everywhere. But then again I do not believe that man can exist without creating morals and values for him/herself and everyone else. They may not be static but some way there will always be some kind of system to keep people in line.

What happens next?

2008-05-27T21:07:00.004+02:00

Right now I am dealing with something I dont now how to handle. I sent my ex a card for her birthday a week ago. My life has been shaping up lately but I got a response today. A nice thank you, explaining why she didnt answer sooner and a line how she hoped I was doing good. There was nothing wrong with it, no surprises or anything of the sort an I just couldnt handle it. I broke down. I have developed a defense mechanism which is running so I immediately went out for a run. It was about twice as long as usual and I believe it did help. I'm just sad now since I realize I hadnt come further in my recovery.

I cant even see her write to me. It all still comes back to me in a bad way. And if a basic response like this makes me react like this what happens when they move in together, when they get married or when she gets pregnant? As it feels right now I really dont want to know. Im not sure I can even stay friends with her even on this level (which is basically not speaking at all unless someone has a birthday).

There has been several things that have helped me the past few months. I met a really nice friend who is a great listener. I have a great old friend who has helped me alot and I met someone to send a recieve cute text messages from. I think I really have to rely on all the good things because I dont want to loose any of them. I think I need them to get over what has happened in my past. I need new goals and new desires to keep me strong. Nietzsche once said that what doesnt kill makes stronger. In every instant of my life this has been true but this is the worst I have probably ever been (in general that is, I was way worse back in february than I am now). I really hope Nietzsche was right in this instant and that I will make it out of this stronger than before but right now I need to deal with everything and I am not sure how. I sure as hell dont wanna loose any of the people that keeps me going because I cling to the past. I hope they can all help me see a brighter future.

I may regret writing this but since the blog from time to time has been serving as a diary of sorts this is how I feel right now at this moment. Lets see what happens next....

Reflections on my life

2008-05-26T19:59:00.003+02:00

I went away this past weekend. It was a very welcomed change from all the normal things I usually do. While not everything went as I would have liked it with one guy staying at home last minute things turned out great on the actual trip. Now this guy who decided to not go did so out of laziness and we actually didnt go two weeks ago because he couldnt go wth us that weekend which caused me to cancel a gig this weekend because we planned our trip. It just shows poor character to blow things off like that without regards to what one has said before. Now I wont ever plan things around him anymore because tis is not the first time he changes his mind in the last minute.

Now it was me and a couple of friends who went away. A really nice little house by a great lake. We had lovely weather and had a good time. Both I and one of my friends have had a rough time the past few months (with him being just where I was emotionally a couple of months ago). I think both of us needed to get away and we did end up having a good time. There wasnt alot of people there since summer isnt truly here yet but we didnt need that this time around. We just hung out, had a few beers and relaxed.

Now getting home wasnt the most fun thing but at least I got my storage room today (finally after being occupied by some unknown persons belongings since I moved in just before new years). I have come to a more clear understanding as to what I need to do though. I try to act on everything I want. I really try to be more forward and open to new people. I also have seen a need to try new things which is why I have been thinking of maybe taking up school again and maybe study in another country or another town. At the very least Im thinking of getting a new job. We'll see where things end up. Right now I need to renovate my kitchen (both for my own liking and to raise the value of my apartment) and thats priority number one. Still things are getting easier by the day now and I hope I can keep going at a good pace and be at the very least satisfied for the moment with what I have and what I want to do.

Chapter I - Egoism

2008-05-20T20:47:00.007+02:00

Alot of the posts here have been quotes or reflections upon existing, living, breathing religious traditions. And while I find all of them inspiring I can not say that I am religious. There are parts I hold very dear and close to heart but alot of other tings which I can't seem to agree on. From now on my mission is to create a few posts that reflects things that I believe in that does bring me into conflict with alot of religious traditions. Behold chapter one - "egoism".

Egoism

Alot of religious traditions are hostile towards the notion of the ego. It's someting that is seen as a thing to overcome since it hides the reality of the world. Now there is a basic difficulty in regards to what is meant by "ego". The word itself comes from latins "egō" which supposedly means "I". Usual definitions of ego consists of it being the most concious part of our self, the individual as self-aware or, as this dictionary puts it (in regards to psychoanalysis), "that part of the psyche which experiences the external world, or reality, through the senses, organizes the thought processes rationally, and governs action: it mediates between the impulses of the id, the demands of the environment, and the standards of the superego."

Now in hinduism the ego is bad because they say it conceals the truth that what we ultimately are (atman) is in reality a part of brahman (the ultimate reality). The distinction between the two is a created one because the ego interprets things as seperate from eachother while all is, in reality, one. Buddhism has a different approach in that they claim that man does not have a self at all (anatman). This is not to say that people does not exist but they claim that the whole world in reality is change and there is nothing stable. Therefore searching for a self or a core within man (or anything else) is like pealing a onion. We remove layer after layer but when we come to the core there is nothing there (sunyata). This has a strong relation to modern subatomic physics which claim that there is no atom at all (atom in the original meaning of the word as the smallest material building block from the greek word ἄτομος noun use of an adjective ‘indivisible’). It seems like everything is just energy in constant change which makes things appear solid.

Now I definately lean more towards the buddhist view that everything is all changing. The only thing that does not change is change itself. Therefore humans can't have a core self, a stale soul or anything along those lines. However I would like to argue that the use of sematicts such as "anatman", that there is no self at all, is misleading. In all this change of energy things do appear and while they may be maya (illusion) in regards o us not knowing what it really is (if there is no such thing as the smalles material building block) it does indeed exist. I exist, this table exists and you exist. My conciousness exists and is seated somewhere, somehow in this body that I call "myself". Therefore I argue that there is a self but that we need to recognize that it is ever changing, never standing still.

‘Ego’, sayest thou, and art proud of that word. But the greater thing—in which thou are unwilling to believe—is thy body with its big sagacity; it saith not ‘ego,’ but doeth it. (Nietzsche - Thus Spoke Zarathustra).

I prefer to look upon the ego as a part of this self. I have no exact definition but I do like the thought that it is like the tip of the iceberg. That part which interacts and gathers information from all things that is not "I" through the senses. Thst thing which is able to make distinctions. While all things come from the same source, that hidden dark force of change doesnt change the fact that all things can also be seen as seperate and it is indeed a critical need for us to even be able to live. In singularity there is multiplicity and reverse.

Egoism is the "doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action" (merriam webster). Now the word itself is very misinterpreted. Most people seem to equate it with "self interest without any regard for others". This would indeed be pure stupidity. Is it really self-beneficial to disregard everyone else? I think not. If one uses egoism like this that person will most likely fail to achieve his or her goals because they become to involved in their own world and loses the attachment to reality. So while they may think that they act in self-interest they are in reality making things worse for the own self which os course is never the goal of egoism.

One writer puts it in a really nice way which is better than I would be able to describe things:

In brief, egoism in its modern interpretation, is the antithesis, not of altruism, but of idealism. The ordinary man - the idealist - subordinates his interests to the interessts of his ideals, and usually suffers for it. The egoist is fooled by no ideals: he discards them or uses them, as may suit his own interest. If he likes to be altruistic, he will sacrifice himself for others; but only because he likes to do so; he demands no gratitude nor glory in return. (John Beverley Robinson)

Striving for self-preservation is natural and the want for growth for oneself is equally important or maybe even more important. I actually think that absolute altruism in itself is impossible which is also why the strife to destroy the ego never ever appealed to me. One can not ever do things without regard for his or her own self. Its not possible. One can help others, get injured while helping others and putting oneself in great danger because of others but it is never done without regard of ones own self-interest.

What would we be without a ego to interpret the world through? Ethical egoism claims that doing things in ones own self-interest is actually necessary but it say nothing on what one is supposed to do or how. In this way it is very amoral. It will not tell you what is good or bad. That is something that you have to decide or find out for yourself. Everything is relative in regards to oneself. Indeed everything, and I do mean everything, is relative according to my point of view. Well except change itself maybe ;-)

We are like individual waves on a ocean. Part of the big oneness of the massive amounts of water but also distinct from everything else since one can make out the individual waves. I say lets create a great wave for oneself, the wave in reality is change and movement in the water - with the water. Lets be as great as we can be until we roll up unto the shore and with a splash that ends our individual existence!

Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding.

2008-05-11T10:58:00.001+02:00

25
There was something formless and perfect
before the universe was born.
It is serene. Empty.
Solitary. Unchanging.
Infinite. Eternally present.
It is the mother of the universe.
For lack of a better name,
I call it the Tao.

It flows through all things,
inside and outside, and returns
to the origin of all things.

The Tao is great.
The universe is great.
Earth is great.
Man is great.
These are the four great powers.

Man follows the earth.
Earth follows the universe.
The universe follows the Tao.
The Tao follows only itself.

Both the quote and the title to this post is from the "Tao The Ching" alledgedly by Lao Tzu.

The only thing that doesnt change is change itself.

2008-05-09T20:49:00.002+02:00

She is naked and dark like a threatening rain cloud. She is dark, for she who is herself beyond mind and speach, reduces all things into that worldly "nothingness" which as the Void of all which we now know, is at the same time the All (purna) which is Light and Peace. . . . She stands upon the white corpse-like body of Shiva. He is white because He is illuminating transcendental aspect of Conciousness. He is inert because he is the changelss aspect of the Supreme, and she apparently changing aspect of the same. In truth, she and he are one and the same, being twin aspects of the One who is changelessness in, and exists as, change.

[quote by Sir John Woodroffe in the book "Kali - black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding]

On positives and neofolk.

2008-05-08T19:43:00.004+02:00

I feel good today. Yes thats right the first time I have made a post dedicated only to feeling good. Now it doesnt mean it never happens its just that the blog became a way for me to express sadness, anger and other emotions in the same vein. I thought, "what the heck", and decided to go on and write a positive note. I had a few friends over for coffe just after I had been out running. Totally unexpected and very nice. We went ahead and planned a short weekend trip and it was just nice to sit and talk for a little while.

I also started to look into some new music. Folk, neofolk and dark ambient. Weird isnt it? Alot of that music has a melancholy feel to it and I search for it now when I feel really good. I found some good stuff in "Of the wand and the moon", "blood axis" and "omnia" to name a few. I will look deeper into music like this in the future.

The hole of isolation.

2008-05-08T06:30:00.005+02:00

Isn't it weird how alone one can feel even though one has people around who are there for you? To experience this daily and also talk to these nice people daily. Being alone is not necessarilly something one is in the objective world but a mind set in the subjective world that one can't get out of and that tears one down.

How can one get out of the hole one digs for oneself? I don't know, but I try to go forward and if I hang in long enough I think I will learn a thing or two on my own self-rescue.

Satanism, Buddhism and Hinduism

2008-05-07T22:37:00.002+02:00

Now I make a return to the religious quotations. This time on the connections between three religions that have had an effect on my way of looking at the world. The first quote comes from a message board and it deals with buddhist tantra metaphysics. It speaks about the void/sunyata/emptiness. The second quote is on hinduism and the tradition that looks upon the ultimate source as the mother, in this case Kali. The dynamic darkness that is the foundation of reality. The third quote comes from a organization called the satanic reds. I don't care for their political orientation but their metaphysical side is very interesting indeed. Here they use Satan as the ultimate symbol for, what I consider, to be the same thing as the void in buddhism, and kali in hinduism.

Originally posted as a part of the lashtal forums:
http://www.lashtal.com/nuke/PNphpBB2-viewtopic-t-2355-highlight-empty.phtml

You claim Dharmakaya is 'Wholly Other' but this is not held universally. Many Tantric Buddhists will claim "Nirvana is Samsara. Samsara is Nirvana." The point is the non-dual nature of it, I think. The idea of something being "Wholly Other" while devoid of duality (of "others") boggles my mind. Further, this enlightened consciousness isnt necessarily static. "Bede draws on a quote from a great Zen teacher, Suzuki, in which he said that 'Sunyata [what you claim is True Nature] is not static but dynamic.' ...In the void there is a constant urge to differentiate itself. And the whole creation is the differentiation of the void...At the very moment of the differentiation it returns to itself. It is always coming out and returning." The void flows out in differentiation and simultaneously returns to the void. "That is why the Buddhists say that Nirvana and Samsara are the same," says Fr. Bede. 'Ultimately they are one.'"

Really, I think contemplating whether a state that transcends dualities is dynamic or static, because it seems the description would transcend the dynamic/static duality as well, no? It is no doubt that if one manifests into the 'differentiated state' of normal consciousness there would at least appear to be a dynamic flow of things (time-space, causality, etc.) It is said, 'Before Satori, chop wood & carry water; after Satori, chop wood & carry water.'

The quote on hinduism comes from the book "KALI - the black godess of dakshineswar" by Elizabeth U. Harding:

You see her as black because you are far away from her. Go near and you will find her devoid of all color. The water of a lake appears black from a distance. Go near and take the water in your hand, and you will see it has no color at all. Similary, the sky looks blue from a distance. But look at the atmosphere near you; it has no color. The nearer you come to God, the more you will realize that he has neither name or form.

And:

In dense darkness, O Mother, Thy formless beauty sparkles;
Therefore yogis meditate in a dark mountain cave.
In the lap of boundless dark, on Mahanirvana's waves upborne,
Peace flows serene and inexhaustible.
Taking the form of the Void, in the robe of darkness wrapped,
Who art Thou, Mother, seated alone in the shrine of samadhi?
From the Lotus of Thy fear-scattering Feet flash Thy love's lightnings;
Thys Spirit-Face shines forth with laughter terrible and loud.

And now this is from the satanic reds:
http://www.apodion.com/vad/article.php?id=12&aid=145

1. Satan is the "dark force" that permeates all of nature and motivates all things to act according to their inner nature. The Boundless Darkness Itself is SAT. The ACTION of emanating out of, unfolding out of, springing forth, is TAN. The motivator and the act of motivating all things are together: Satan. Satan is that which is the origin of all and the unmoved mover, and it is described by both the unfolding and the thing unfolded: Satan

2. All things have a beginning where all was one.

3.The "big bang" came from a spark within the one Dark Presence and all that results from the "big bang" is permeated by the Dark Force. The universe was emanated by this force going from Chaos-Dark into Cosmos-Light.

4. All things, over time in the cosmos, become separate and change without ceasing to change.

5. All things are constantly motivated to change according to environment, and then they change the environment by being in it, of it: there is a dialectical interaction. If they do not do this they perish and go into dissolution; but this is not destruction; it is only more change.

6. All things are constantly motivated to change by inner urge. This is "Self Becoming" or "Self Evolving." All beings everywhere have it. Most living things have this solely and together with their own species, as if linked. When the individual becomes into, the species becomes into; in fact, large groups of similar living things speciate in this manner and diversify. A thing can not become what it is not already at it's inner core, at it's fundamental essence, nor can it resist becoming "what it is" as that center of itself moves forward in time. The thing "becomes into" what it is. One can have inner truth of what they are and actively increase their potentialities, or one can flow with what one is. If one resists it or tries to become, in the inner sense, what one is not, one will become Nothing - Klippoth.

7. All things have an individual characteristic, a unique identity that defines what they are and become. They are a singularly occurring event in time/space.

8. All things are ultimately connected, even if they appear to be separate, in the great web of life.

9. And all this is the esoteric meaning of "Do as Thou Wilt" for that truly is the whole of the Law, Cosmic Law and SAT-TAN-ic Law. The joyful act of Doing and Becoming-Into is Love. It is experienced as Joy. Being is Joy. Joy radiates Love just as the sun radiates light.

Now my belief is that they all describe the same reality but they all use different words. This of course has to do with traditions, geography and other such things. There are definately parts which are non-compatible between the different views but I think the base is the same. Non-dual, formless into form etc.

Now what differes the most is probably the practice. I for one do not want to be called a buddhist because I dont agree on the morals and the ethics that they subscribe to. The same may be said on the other two religions as well. In regards to hinduism I have a hard time with the very theistic bend. I never liked the word God or what it symbolizes as some conciousness, a being that acts upon his/her own will. Im not a theist and therefore I interpret hinduism symbolically. It does describe a reality that is very real but it is made into myth for people to easier connect with it. Fritjof Capras book "the tao of physics" describes this quite well, how religious myths can be connected to scientific discoveries and "truths".

The red hibiscus

2008-05-06T17:51:00.003+02:00

After getting home from work and my every other day running I had a small breakdown. I decided to sit down and read one of my new books. I wont say which one or what it dealt with but it made me calm and I could loose myself in the book and what it described. The red hibiscus has something to do with this. For those who might know the connection - great. For those who dont - just enjoy the beautiful flower :)

In between sleep

2008-05-04T23:57:00.003+02:00

I fell asleep earlier than planned today while waiting for a tv-show. Naturally I woke up and got ready for bed and couldnt go back to sleep. Im now up and I feel pretty good. Maybe Im tired enough for my brain to be relaxed but not as tired so that I can go ack to sleep. Whatever the reason I actually feel fine. Somewhat of a nice calm state of mind. Unfortunately there is work tomorrow and a few other things I need to do but right now that doesnt bother me that much.

I also helped a friend today who is experiencing much of the same stuff I do emotionally but for different reasons. I really recognized what this person said to me and while he reacted with anger and I usually react with sadness I recognized the ultimate source and thought patterns. In a way it was good for me to see someone react like I did. Not that I want my friend to be miserable but I think it was good for me to discuss things with someone who is doing alot of the same things I have been doing the last few months. It gave me some perspective and objectivity which may even become essential in my path towards future happiness. I just need to find that reason to keep on going.

On the future...

2008-05-04T09:51:00.002+02:00

So I have been thinking of what the next move would be for this blog. I am somewhat going back to my interest in religion and philosophy after months when I have had other tings to deal with. I ordered two books on the godess Kali and Im looking for a swedish translations of "thus spoke zarathustra" in pocket format.

I've been thinking of doing an article on why this blog is actually called "Ephesos 2.0". I dont know when it will happen but thats been my intention since this blog started. Im actually surprised I havent gotten around doing it yet.

At the same time I havent gotten over what happened this year and all the emotional trouble I have had. Its been less and some things in my life has helped me getting over it. Some other things have, unfortunately, made it probably worse than if I had done something else. Anyway I am on the road to recovery. Yesterday I did the girly thing and went shopping. I was picking up a "anaal nathrakh" shirt however I didnt try it on and now I have to get it back. Gotta need to get it ina smaller size and the printing was misplaced on the one I bought (to my defence it was ordered and I just picked it up at a store, normally I do try on new clothes before I buy them).

I guess one can say that I dont know what the future holds. My ex's birthday is coming up and I dont know if I should send her a card. Last time we spoke we did make peace and said to eachother than we would be friends. However neither of us have said a single thing to the other since then. As I said to one of my new friends that even though I wish to be a good friend and not let my emotions control me to much I am afraid that I may get to hear information that I do not wish to hear if I do contact her. I dont wanna come off as an ass not caring either so at the moment I dont know what to do. I think I need something or someone that can make me look upon the future and wanting to experience it. Right now my outlooks are survival. I have no concrete positive goals other than that. It may sound harsh and maybe I use way to big words to describe it but I have lost my passion and flame. All I want is to regain it.

The positives of all this is that I started training again. I now run every other day and my pant are starting to magically become bigger so I need new ones. I also just started doing som strength stuff. No gymming just basic stuff at home. This makes me think of nothing at all except what Im doing and its really nice to be able to clear my mind. My greatest and worst attribute is that I think alot and in bad times it often becomes a bad thing.

Anyway its nice to write here again. For a while it became to much for me but I now feel alot better about this whole thing. Once again it helps me get things off my chest in a good way.

The rebirth....

2008-05-03T10:37:00.000+02:00

After a pretty long break I have been thinking of going back to writing on this blog. I felt that the posts had become to similar and I also felt that the blog had turned into some huge negative thing where I would only complain about stuff. The original thought was for this to be absolutely non-personal. It was supposed to deal with religion and philosophy. Granted it was all _my_ views and _my_ interests but never on a more personal level. After a while and some happenings in real life this somehow turned into a diary of negativity. As of right now I hope I can blend both of these aspects into one whole. I realize that if I am to continue to keep this blog alive I have to include alot of different topics and not just a few selected subjects.

The revival of my bog also comes from the fact that I have realized its not just my personal forum but I now know others have been reading what I write and some, well it should read _one_, has actually commented on how she enjoys reading it.

I am still struggling to find my way again and even if the the lyrics in the post below (that belongs to an awfully bad song I might add) still somehow rings true things are getting alot better. I have some new contacts that has made me happier and a friend has moved back home after living in another country for a few months. I hope this is all signs of help for me to recover. I still slip occasionally but it is getting easier to stand up again. And if this doesnt kill me I damn sure hope it will make me stronger. To rise from the ashes like a phoenix even stronger than before.

Balads

2008-03-13T18:48:00.000+01:00

Ever since you left me I just can't go on
No I can't even read the news today
'Cause everything reminds me of yesterday

Contradicting my self.

2008-03-12T06:22:00.001+01:00

Now read the post just under this one and then come back and read this.

Done? Ok, I just wanted to say that this past night wasn't good at all. Every night since I started feeling bad has actually been ok. During the actual night when I have been asleep I have truly been asleep. Deep and good sleep (which may be why I never wanted to wake up in the mornings). However the night to today was very different. While I dont want to call it a nightmare it sure wasnt a nice dream. Actually I dont really remember what happened but it was one of those dreams where someone acted in a way and didnt understand that it really hurt me. Kind of doing stuff that made me feel really bad without them realizing they did it. Now I have had these kind of dreams with different people in them in the apst as well (we're talking years and years ago) but obviously it was different this time around in regards to my situation.

I truly hope that I wont be dreaming alot of non-good stuff in the future. I do not wish to wake up like I did today.

On another note, I was actually at a local hockey game last night. It was a big thing since it was free to attend and the sponsors gave the local team money for every person in the arena. It was full with over 2000 people there. Quite the turn out I would say. Im not a big sports fan and the two first periods were so so but the third actually picked up some pace and it was pretty exciting. It was an importan match and my team won with 5 to 4 in the end. Christoffer was there with me and overall I had a nice time. Its good to do things one doesnt usually do.

On the future of the blog.

2008-03-11T21:40:00.001+01:00

I have been thinking and I think this blog has become a little bit to predictable. I seem to say the same things over and over lately. Its because I constantly think of these things and quite frankly I have a hard time breaking free from certain negative thought patterns. But I can only write about how bad I feel every morning before its not just boring to eventual readers but also serves no purpose for me. At first it was a great output but I feel like I dont need it at this moment. Im sure that I will write about certain things again but I will try to cut down on it because it no longer serves a purpose. And if I feel that I need to write to release certain emotions then I can always do so even if it contradics this post ;)

Anyway, I thought all my (imaginary) readers should know that.

Meshuggah

2008-03-10T15:43:00.000+01:00

Lately I have been listening to Meshuggah alot. I dont know why but I think their music in combination with my mood is a great match. Its hard and heavy but also pretty meditative. I always appreciated their slowest stuff the most, like Catch 33. However I have been listening to Nothing as well as the more crazy stuff like Chaosphere. I have also been trying their new album ObZen and sometimes I like it and sometimes its just there doing nothing for me (positive or negative). I'll keep giving it a few chances to see what my final verdict will be.

The face

2008-03-10T06:15:00.004+01:00

Its Monday and its morning again. That face is back in my head, mocking, making fun of me. Monday mornings are the worst. While I work Im usually so caught up in it that it feels safe and Im worrying about the weekend. While Im off work and have a good weekend (like this one that just passed) I hate going back to work. Even more so of course when my "morning illness" is back. While it isnt full force anymore it still sucks.

On a forum someone asked what one wuld ask for if you knew you would get to know the truth. Alot of people of course had big questions which regarded the secrets of the universe, the existance of God etc. My question would be the most important though. "How will I find happiness?" Remember kids one can live without alot of things but if you dont have happiness you dont really have a life worth living.

Synthesis of imagery.

2008-03-09T21:17:00.001+01:00

A chaotic view on the current situation.

2008-03-09T17:31:00.000+01:00

However, if you want a one-line definition with which most Chaoists would probably not disagree, then I offer the following. Chaoists usually accept the meta-belief that belief is a tool for achieving effects; it is not an end in itself. (Pete Carroll)

Now I have been increasingly interested in something I would like to call philosophical chaotism. Actually it was something I wrote when I was supposed to describe my religious views on facebook. I just wrote "philosophical chaote" without much thought. It was meant to be mysterious and not obvious. Now Im no magician so to call myself a chaos magician would be wrong but I really like the underlying way of thinking in this movement. Its the results that count and not if the way one goes about to get to them is true or holds a objective truth. They can invoke the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael in a ritual to move towards whatever goal they strive for. Now the actual existence in Raphael has nothing to do with anything. Whats important is if the desired effect of the ritual is gained.

Now these past few days I have been very comfortable in the thought that all things happen for a reason. This is something I turned to a few years ago when I was feeling down as well and somehow, some way it gave me comfort. Its not what I really believe but it doesnt matter. It gives me comfort to believe that for whatever reason there is a purpose to me going through what Im going through right now.

Now Im critical of that kind of deterministic thought - you know if I would speak in public on my beliefs in the universe and how things work. But with the increased pain I felt a few weeks ago my viewpoint changed. It has been mostly about the big picture for such a long time. Now I was feeling bad and suddenly all that mattered was that I wanted to feel better. All the big metaphysical theories was cast down, or left behind. Not that I didnt believe in certain things but that they werent important anymore. To long had I been focusing on transcendent thoughts, dreams and theories. So much so that when I lost one of my "safe pillars" I fell really hard and really fast. I needed to think about me, about relations between humans with differing opinions and just getting through life. Now not everything is based on the way I was thinking about stuff, "real world" situations also helped alot but I discovered, just like I did years before, that a basic view on life that "all things happen for a reason" was helping me mentally getting through certain emotions.

Now everything may have a reason as to why it happens. Im not so much against that as I am againt the general associations with that kind of view on life. The determination of all things through a "higher conciousness" or through cause and effect or any other belief like that. Now I dont believe in free will either so I guess Im not really a proponent of any side here (much unlike many religious people, at least christians, who somehow finds logic to believe in both determinism and free will at the same time). Its as easy as me feeling better in times of crisis with a view on life that there is some reason behind what has caused me pain. I probably somehow make up that reason as I go along the path of life but the belief that its already there is very much comforting. Once I felt better I abandoned that kind of thinking. Maybe I will this time around as well. maybe that will be the "reason" as to why this happened. Now that sentence was full of contradiction but it does make sense. Well it does to me at least. But then again this comes from a guy who believes the all come from none and that the core of all things we can see hear, touch, feel etc really is nothingness.

During a class in philosophy a person once said that he would rather be sad and know how things really were rather than be happy and be blind to the truth. Now its an admireable position to have but having just been through terrible sadness I can say that at this moment I would rather be happy and ignorant towards the truth rather than knowing all truths in the world (if there are indeed a things such as truth) and be miserable. I sometimes see my interest in metaphysics as a curse for just this reason. Because of my knowledge and extended ways to think about stuff that cant be grasped (probably ever) I think I have lost alot of the joy in actually living. One of the things I felt my ex was doing was to just accept life and to live it. Im not saying she never encounter bad things or never feel bad but her basic outlook is very much going with the flow and accepting things as they are. I really miss that part of my life and of course I miss her bringing that view into my life. I always overthink and overanalyze. Heck, just look at this long ass post. Its probably taken me close to an hour to think of how to write and express how I feel in a blog that no one even reads. Isnt that the truth?

The day after...

2008-03-09T11:29:00.000+01:00

So as usual Im not really hungover the day after some good drinking. Sundays are usually pretty useless and even more so nowadays with my personal problems but I wont focus on that actually. Yesterday I bought a desk where I now have my computer and its fits inr eally well with my black and white wall. The one negative is that the surface is very easily damaged with skratches and such. I really should to something about it.

I also bought two carpets and they both fits in nicely. One of them will probably go well with the couch which has been ordered and will be delivered at the end of the month. I also bought a hat-rack which I hope to be able to screw up on the wall during the day (depends on my father and the screwdriver).

So things are starting to fall into place in regards to the design of the appartment. All the small stuff is still on the "to do" list but I dont want to do that until my couch arrives so I know how the curtains will go with the color of the couch etc. Im sure it will be good in the end. I am happy with how things have turned out so far.

However the renovation of the kitchen will take its time. I dont think it will be ready until the summer but we'll see. As of right now I dont even have any good ideas for how it should look. Oh well, I guess it'll come to me eventually.

I think today will be the big cleaning day. As things start to fall into place I get more and more annoyed when things are scattered all over the appartment. I pretty much have everything I need to put most things away and to keep things nice and clean. I still have to wait until I can get into my repository though. I dont really like that because it means that I still have some boxes in my appartment which really shouldnt be here.

I may post pics of the appartment when everything is in place (and if Im happy with it). Need to buy a proper camera first though.

Now playing - Machine Head "blood for blood".

Bloging under the influence part III

2008-03-09T03:19:00.000+01:00

Yep, the second day in a row but not really any negative feelings this time around. Sure I was probably passed out for an hour or two before I got home but still I almost didnt think of the things that usually trouble my mind. It was really nice for a change. So I agtually doesnt have to much to write about now. I pretty much stay awake to not go to bed to drunk. Surprisingly enough I think my spelling is really damn good for having drunk several beers during the night. Nothings tronger though which may explain some stuff.

Oh well, we'll see when I write next. Hopefully its with good news :)

Bloging under the influence part II

2008-03-08T01:13:00.000+01:00

I have nothing much to write this time around except that I felt like half a man when I sat alone on the train to get home from the pre-listening session of my band latest album. While I have almost never had the opportunity to hold someones hand on my way home I sure did miss it tonight. I guess its my mind playing tricks on me when Im drunk. We'll see what happens tomorrow when there will be more drinking going on.

Over and out.

An update!

2008-03-07T16:02:00.000+01:00

So its been a while since I last wrote here (well compared to how much stuff I put up here the past few weeks anyway). So here's and update on whats going on in my life.

This past Monday my ex came online to talk to me. She started by wanting to discuss the past which I was against because I didnt want any more arguing about it. I was just trying to come to terms with the fact that we had very seperate views on what happened. Right now it doesnt matter, it has happened, it caused me great pain so I didnt want to talk about it. However she did and I kept calm and it went good. Then I proceeded to tell her I was sorry for my behaviour (I still regret acting to much "in the moment" when I first learned about her future plans). However she told me it was her who should appologize ("I am sorry I have hurt you so much without realising"). I accepted the appology and it did feel better.

After this chat I have been feeling a little bit better overall. Before the chat I had a hard time focusing with thoughts just running wild in my head. I could not hold on to anything except for a few days when all I had in my head was one thing. This one day it was the phrase "it should have been me". That has for the most part disappeared.

Now it still hurts but its good to know that I didnt make her my enemy (or even non-friend) in the process of the grief I felt over losing her. The dream I had was often so vivid. I imagined us getting married, getting a house and I cans till see her proud face in my head when I imagine that shes pregnant. Im sure she will be just as proud as I have imagined just not with me as the father. Thats probably what hurts the most. I really wanted to have a family with her.

Now we have put the arguing behind us and have said to eachother that we will be friends. I have no doubt that we wont argue much again but I dont know how much we will actually stay in touch. I guess the future has all the answers to all the questions regarding that aspect of things. I do want to be there for her but she has so many friends alot closer than I am (at the very least in regards to distance) and she now is in a very serious relationship. Ah well...

So just two months into buying my own place I fell into a depression because of this and even though Im feeling better every day now I still think of doing something about my dreams. No I will not hit on my ex but I am thinking of moving. Not right now or even within the coming year but I am searching for info on what to think of and stuff like that. Of course Birmingham wouldnt be very good or maybe even England as a whole. Even though I love that country. It would be weird and probably inappropriate. I have been thinking of the Netherlands though. I dont know why really but it just popped into my head one day. Im not a drug user and I dont pay for sex so that is not the reason ;) I dont even know how serious this is but it does help me getting through a tough time so I guess that so far its been constructive. I have even been thinking of taking a class in dutch this autumn (an after work kind of thing).

I have also lost almost all interest in philosophy and religion at the moment. The very subject this blog was designed to be about. I dont know if I willr egain the interest (probably) but right now all the speculation on the great mysteries seem so irrelevant when I personally aint on the top of the mountain so to speak.

I have been turning more towards music though. Lately quite alot of Meshuggah ("catch 33" and "nothing") for some reason. I have also been listening to quite abit of my own band. We have just been in the process of recording a new album so I've been listening to the first few mixes quite frequently. I havent been playing any instruments though I just prefer having sound around me. I think it makes me feel more safe and it lets me concentrate on the music instead of all the thoughts that fly through my head.

I have also found my way back to wrestling somewhat. I lost alot of interest last eyar and havent really been keeping up with the product this year either (except PPV's). However I have now been more interested than I have in quite a while. Not so much with WWE but I have two shows from AJPW and NOAH to watch and Chikara has also brought me entertainment. I couple of years ago I wouldnt apreciate Chikara. Sloppy wrestling and alot of comedy but its just what I need at the moment. Sure the wrestling could be better, alot better even but the comedy makes up for it and I do enjoy watching the product.

I have also kept myself much more busy than before so I dont have so much free time to just sit around and think. Today I will go to our vocalists place and hear the final mix over a few beers (I guess - I have prepared for that at least) and tomorrow I will get together with my friends and drink alot and watch the eurovision song contest. Yeah I know, its stupid and bad but its an excuse to see my friends and we always have a nice time when we get together so I look forward to that as well. I might go to IKEA tomorrow as well. Got some stuff I need to buy to make my home a little better. I also need to throw some stuff on the dump and I better start doing that tomorrow or it will take at least one more week before I do it.

Now that was a long post to compensate the last few days of silence. This has been turning more and more into my personal (and public!) diary. Im pretty sure no one ever reads it but its nice to ventilate some of my thoughts and feelings like this.

The bassics of a good joke.

2008-03-03T15:55:00.001+01:00

Now I have been through a rough time lately so I thought it would be nice to include a little joke in the blog. Now not everyone will get this bus most bass players will so here ya go:

Bloging under the influence of alcohol

2008-03-02T00:49:00.000+01:00

Yeah. so this may not be the mosthn throught through or best spelled post ever. I dont really give a fuckj. Yeah, Im drunk and I had a nice time with my firends for a few hours today. IT was nice to get my mind off of things. However some of that sadness is coming back as soon as Im left alone in my apartment. Soemtimes I think what started as a great thing for me (living alone) has turned to a curse. I know Im alone and that very fact makes me very sad.

I will never know what mnade things go wrong but I know they went terribly wrong compared to what I dreamed about and compared to what I wanted. What is the reason for all this. Im actually thinking of moving far away just to start a completely new life and that way start one part of the dream I have dreamed for quite a long time. Maybe a totally fresh start is just what I need. It wont happen for at least a year I think but maybe its the right thing to do. I have already looked into a few possibilitties. Well see what happens and how much of this I will regret writing when I wake up tomorrow .

On going to sleep and waking up

2008-03-01T08:23:00.001+01:00

This has been one of the problems I havent been able to overcome yet. While I still have my good and bad days I always tend to feel like crap when I am supposed to go to sleep but even more so when I wake up every morning. I just feel really bad. This past week I have been waking up before my alarm clock every day (which is set for 06:00 AM) and today (Saturday) I woke up before 08:00 AM even though I went to bed after midnight after a visit in the studio where we record our new album.

I always feel so lonely in the mornings now so I usually sit down and write something. Right now the people of talkbass have been of great help in this. I can write whenever I want and I now have some PM-contacts that does their best to help me out.

Good thing about today is that I am fully booked. Im doing my laundry for 3 or 4 hours starting at 12 and I need to buy some food and buy some beer. Then its dinner att my mums and then a movie night or similar with a few of my friends. Hopefully the beer will make me sleep for a little bit longer on Sunday so I dont wake up early again.

Oh and also it is now one week since I made that phone call to my ex. A call that was supposed to not be about this situation at all but was thought to be me saying "Im sorry" and then go on and see if we could at least stay friends. Now things did turn into an argument instead of things we cant do anything about now (all the misconceptions of the past). I asked her if she thought we could stay friends aand she said "I dont know". When we said goodbuy she did however say "talk to you soon, Im sure". It may just be a polite phrase (if its one thing the english know about its being polite) but I decided that any contact between us should be on her initiative now. If I take up the contact again and shes not ready to speak to me (about whatever) I think the wounds will open up again and maybe wider that before. Now this doesnt mean I dont want to speak to her. I really do and at least talk and agree that we have to put the arguing behind us. Right now things arent good at all where I not only realize I have lost her as a lover and girl friend but also lost her friendship alltogether (thats how it seems at the moment). I tell you its really taking a big toll on me.

The girl of my dreams

2008-02-28T15:51:00.000+01:00

Now I realize this is part of something I have already quoted in this blog but over the past few days it has become increasingly important for my recovery. Now Im still sad at times and I can feel really bad. I still fantasize and daydream about my ex but now I always have this in mind:

Look, what you imagined with your girl is just a DREAM. Based on things you imagine in your head, not based on what's actually there. I've been there, the dream is always beautiful and perfect. But she's not the person in your dream. OR else she'd be with you now.

And you know what its true and its something that I can both understand rationally and emotionally. She really isnt my dream girl if she doesnt want to actually be with me. Believe it or not but it does help me keeping my head up at least a little bit further than I did before. Its still a pain in the ass sometimes, especially in the mornings but this does make things a little bit better. I even added part of the quote just under the blog "headline". Its that important to me at this moment.

Right now I am getting used to the thought of not having this special girl with me in my future (at least not as a girlfriend or wife or anything of the sort). At this moment I cant see how anyone could replce her or the dream I had about how things would eventually turn out. However I have gotten loads of advice over the past few days and they all seem to say that I will come over this and find someone else who I will look upon as better than what I have had thus far with my ex. I just hope they are right.

With a little help from my (talkbass) friends

2008-02-25T21:03:00.000+01:00

I made a post on the Talkbass forums about my problems. I wasnt sure if it was the right thing to do or if someone would actually care. But now Im very happy that I did write and ask for help and advice. There were two posts especially that put smiles on my face and really connected with me. I would like to quote them both here.

This post was made by the user called ubado:

First of all, I just like to say... my heart goes out to ya... most cats have been through those "hard to forget" breakups.

I'd gather that the age isn't the problem... if she wants kids, and you want kids... then her ticking baby clock is a moot point. It most likely boils down to the "Long Distance Relationship". They just don't work! For a short time sure... but not for the long run.

The idea that "distance makes that heart grow fonder" is complete BS!

I'm not gonna candy coat this... you will always love her... you will always wonder "what if"... but it doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there that can make you happy.

I myself have "the one that got away" in the back of my mind... but I've been married for almost 10 years and couldn't imagine myself not being married to her for another 10 (after that... I'm gonna trade her in for a newer model... instead of getting a Red Sports Car ). All kidding aside... you will find another. Who knows, maybe she'll be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know mine has.

Just know that many of us have felt the same way about someone... the pain will pass... the memories will remain... but all in all... You'll get through it.

Buck up little camper. There's other fish in the sea... you just gotta do some more fish'n. Maybe you'll snag one you can "mount" up aginst a wall.

This post was made by disenchant:

It's hard being in that situation, I've been there myself.

The hardest realization is that a relationship takes two willing people. If she is not willing--you don't have a relationship! Plus, if she can't see all the wonderful things about you, then it might sound cliché to say, but she doesn't deserve you. And do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?

A good friend of mine was in love with his high school sweetheart and always envisioned them married. He asked her and she turned him down. TWICE! She cheated on him, treated him like dirt and he kept coming back. Finally he "convinced" her to marry him.

He's married to her, just like he dreamed. But it's hardly a dream. He's miserable, she doesn't *really* want to be with him and spends a lot of time with her friends. Who knows if she's cheating on him still? He works long hours, filling up the time she is not home. He was a bassist, and gave up playing because he just couldn't put his heart into things anymore. Sometimes they go on vacation. She doesn't want kids, and he does. But he keeps trying to make the dream happen.

Look, what you imagined with your girl is just a DREAM. Based on things you imagine in your head, not based on what's actually there. I've been there, the dream is always beautiful and perfect. But she's not the person in your dream. OR else she'd be with you now.

I had met a guy that I thought was The One but he turned out to not want a serious relationship. I tried for a year to get back together with him to no avail. Finally I started looking elsewhere and that's when I met the TRUE man of my dreams, who wants the same things I do.

Don't talk to your girl at all. Every time you do it'll open up fresh wounds. Stop imagining her face in your dreams and find out within yourself what about the dream you really want. Chances are it's not HER, but qualities you want in a woman. Then seek out a woman who has those qualities, including the one that respects and loves you for who you are. She's out there, prolly looking for you right now.

I want to thank both of them for the lovely replies. As I said they put a smile on my face and made me want to stay in there a little bit longer. The whole thread can be read here.

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